Please help me pen a letter to school regarding my daughter TW/

[GCRules]

TW/ CSA

My daughter is 14.

She is on the SEN register at school for several reasons. She has massive food issues. She has anxiety. Depression. She goes through phases of school refusal.

She has had over a year of school counselling.
She's on the waiting list for 2 outside agency therapies.

She goes to art therapy for children on the autism pathway.

She has a CAHMS referral ongoing for food issues and autism/ADHD assessment referal.

She disclosed to the school last year that she experienced CSA in primary school. We've been through hell the last year.

She was very pink princess in childhood. From Highschool onwards she became a tomboy.

I believe this is a direct result of the CSA. She rebelled against her body and feminity because of what happened to her.

She is still waiting for CSA therapy, though I don't think she is ready to do it anyways.

So she is very androgynous in her dressing and she is attracted to both boys and girls.

In year 8 she had a non binary teacher. This influenced her greatly and she began talking about being NB.

When she started year 9 it ebbed off (new teachers, less influence) however she then made a new friend in year 10, a boy. However it turn out this is a trans boy, bio female.

The NB stuff starts up again

Months ago her teacher told me that she had been using a different name with her friends.

I'm planning on taking to DD this week, whilst she's at home on Easter holidays.

She knows I am GC and refuses conversations with me. But I need to air my concerns.

I also want to take it up with the school.

I want to write a letter outlining the reasons I do not want them to engage in DD being NB and to only use her birth name and female pronouns.

I believe this reaction to her body, growing into a young woman, is a direct link to her trauma, her questioning sexuality and her (undiagnosed) Autism.

I don't know where to start.

Mux, I think. To be honest, I think they mostly automatically called her Miss, anyway.

I think this issue is not such a hot potato being clear and to the point is the best approach. I would not write a long letter - just state what you want to happen and I would cite the recent report which has highlighted the issues.

In my personal view the fact act there are so many teachers who identify is a concern as this become the norm - children are impressionable and therefore they tend to follow. I am aware that appointment of staff has to be non-discriminatory, your choice of school can be for whatever reason. I understand that your daughter has lots of support at the school so a simple letter stating clearly you concerns which then means the school has to respond would be best

I do a table at antiques and collectors fairs and we always have a 50p rummage box. It attracts people to look at other stuff and i make money from stuff that’s just rubbish to me… but someone else’s treasure. Kids love it

To Headteacher's name
cc the chair of the board of governors

We are aware that X is experiencing anxiety and discomfort, and we are working with X at home with this, as well as x being on the waiting lists for specialist counselling. It is not difficult to empathise with children who have experienced sexual abuse feeling strong, complex and negative emotions in relation to their sexed body. Whilst it is of course devastating to see our child in pain there is no silver bullet or quick fix to this pain and far from helping we believe there is good evidence to support a concern that a 'social transition' to a boy's name and male pronouns is not a neutral or trivial thing but rather an active intervention with significant long term effects and would likely do more harm than good in X's case. You will I hope be able to understand that we are extremely protective of X both in terms of her privacy and that no clumsy and ideologically driven amateur interventions put her at risk of further psychological harm.

In short when an abused child tells you there is something terribly wrong with them it is in our opinion simply not true that the kindest and best thing to say is "you're right". We understand the schools stance on using preferred names and pronouns, however it is clear to us that it is absolutely not appropriate in this case. We are convinced that watchful waiting is the best approach whilst x remains on the waiting list for a qualified counsellor who can help her unpick the complex fallout of experiencing CSA.

The line we are taking at home is that being a girl is not a test you can pass or fail, her feelings are her own and that a girls like boys are 'allowed' to feel anything and everything they feel regardless of the sex of their body. Boys can cuddle babies and like art, girls can feel angry furious messy emotions and want to smash things and kill people (though they can't always act on these emotions or do these things of course) and we would very much like the school to support us in this

Many thanks for your time and attention to this matter
sincerely……..

Send your letter via the complaints process. Copy in your husband.

Sorry about your dd. Autistic young people are so at risk from this madness.

Pps are fairly measured in their suggested responses. I would be telling school that my letter puts on record that they are liable for any adverse consequences for DD in their eagerness to 'affirm'. Obviously you would never be able to sue them and you just want to avoid her transing full stop. But they won't like the the threat of adverse publicity, particularly now it is in public consciousness.

Get a meeting with the HT and bring a supporter along. Take notes and email your version of the meeting back to HT afterwards. (You probably know all that already if you have ASN child.

There was an article or something on Twitter really about a mother who had no social transition written into her daughter's ECHP. You don't need an ASD diagnosis for an ECHP, I wonder if that's a process you could start now.