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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Feeling bloody alone

35 replies

korimako90 · 18/12/2022 13:58

I’m in NZ. Self ID was voted in by the NZ green/labour govt last year, (even though 75% of the submissions were against). and they say, we live in a democratic society in NZ (yeh right).

I have been on these boards as a lurker and an occasional poster for 15 years.

I’m pretty depressed about my marriage tonight. I have been talking to my husband about the shit coming for women with the trans thing for about the last 7 years.

I always suspected he never gave a shit, but tonight he not only confirmed my suspicions, he turned on me.

He told me I should be ‘ashamed’ of myself when I told him men with long hair who ‘identified’ as women are not women, and they never will be. Feel shook. a And quite angry.

OP posts:
bellac11 · 18/12/2022 14:04

I dont have any specific advice about your husband but all I can ever think about this whole situation is that it will be like we look back now on how issues were dealt with 100s of years ago and we're flabbergasted that people acted that way or thought that way and that the truth will out in the end.

There are millions of women like us struggling with this, I know my colleagues also feel the same but the jobs we're in mean we cant really voice what we think, its whispered in jokey hushed tones that we'd end up getting sacked if we said what we actually think.

Not just the trans women are women (my preference is WTABM (women that are biologically male), but all the ideology being thrown at chilldren and the reinforcment of gender stereotypes about what a girl is and making girls who arent fluffy and sexual feel like they must be boys or non binary

Allthegoodnamesarechosen · 18/12/2022 14:06

That’s horrible. Hugs from me. I’m not a great fan of LTB, but I think I would start making plans.

Original poster
korimako90 · 18/12/2022 14:12

easier said then done.

OP posts:
Theeyeballsinthesky · 18/12/2022 14:14

So sorry OP. Your DH doesn’t remotely believe men are women either, he’s almost certainly not engaged his brain beyond beeee kind.

he’s the one who should be ashamed of himself

ErrolTheDragon · 18/12/2022 14:23

He should be ashamed of himself, for thinking he has a better idea of what a woman is than you do. He should be ashamed of his lack of critical thinking. He should be ashamed of apparently not caring about womens rights.

You have nothing to be 'ashamed' of for not buying into this antiscientific, anti-womens rights, pro gender stereotyping dogma.

RoyalCorgi · 18/12/2022 14:25

Very sorry, OP - I can see why you're lonely. Are there any feminist support groups in NZ who could make you feel less alone?

FictionalCharacter · 18/12/2022 14:31

It’s been a miserable experience, finding out how many men think like this, including our husbands, sons, and brothers.
You could try asking him if he’d have a sexual relationship with a tw if you and he split up. Bearing in mind that many of the people he’s calling women have a 100% male body including male genitals, and are now women just because they say so. Some people who parrot twaw really have their heads in the sand about this. Some seem to vaguely think that tw have had magical surgery that turns them into an actual woman in every way. Others think hormones do the same. Like David Lammy, saying that a tw can have a cervix.

EndlessTea · 18/12/2022 14:47

💐 OP. I feel so bad for you.
In my experience, blokes who take this position are best ‘shocked out of it’ by the strength of feeling.

Eg- one such fellow was going on about a male cyclist, he was full of the unacknowledged misogyny of ‘imagine how crap a man must feel, and how authentic and sincere his motivations must be, it he were to degrade himself to the status of a rubbish female, all my sympathies lay with him’. The sexism of the whole thing would take ages to unpick and argue. I sort of lost my shit. I took the hard line, showed my anger and the strength of my feeling, saying (probably quite loudly) “ no man has the fucking right to call himself the same sex as me and to claim to enter everything that is made for me. No. He can fuck right off. Just fuck off. Just fuck off the fucking pisstaking #@&£”. This guy was wide-eyed, open-mouthed and seemed blasted back in his chair by the force of my tirade.

I think he realised at that point that it’s not some kind of abstract hypothesis for women. It’s our lives.

That might work

picklemewalnuts · 18/12/2022 14:48

I'm afraid that a lot of men double down on 'you are the problem' because they are bone idle.

They don't really believe it, but it does them no harm to go along with it, especially if they are married. Therefore they shut you up by shutting you down.

Is there any area he'd care about? Your DC having surgery or being vulnerable in changing rooms? Sports? Prisons?

Who does he care about, how will they be impacted? He's managing to make it abstract and unimportant. You know it isn't.

Original poster
korimako90 · 18/12/2022 14:50

Royalcorgir I feel really lonely. My govt has betrayed women, as per usual. My husband … he has hurt me

OP posts:
Blondlashes · 18/12/2022 14:53

Maybe show him the case of the woman in the Uk hospital who was raped and the gaslighted by being told there were no men on the ward. Ask how would he feel if that was his mother or you and see what he says. Was quite effective with my husband. Or use a daughter example.
Find what he cares about. There will be something.
If you died and he met a transwomen he would be transphobic if he refused to date that person. There are loads of examples to draw from.

Backstreets · 18/12/2022 14:59

I had a discussion with a good friend yesterday (she said jk Rowling was “horrible” and I just couldn’t pretend to agree as I’ve been feeling very emotional about Beira’s Place) and my strategy is basically to harp on about the indefensible, like men in women’s prisons and cases like “Karen” Walker or the Loudoun County rape case. But yeah standing up for women has never felt this lonely or risky in my lifetime - it’s horrible.

Reallyatthelimit · 18/12/2022 15:03

I really feel for you too OP. Its the sense of betrayal, isn't it? The sense of realising that they never really understood what the world is like for women, or cared at all. The sense that they will quite happily shove us all to hell to keep in with the in crowd and think of themselves as the nice guy.
I have contempt for them all. I'm so sorry your H has let you down so badly. How dare he?

Ask him to prove his commitment to his belief by having sex with a TW with a penis, preferably one whose 'expression does not match their identity' as it does not have to, after all.
If he won't, tell him why its your sex that has to take the hit for believing TWAW, but not him? If he wants to believe it, then he has to put his money where his mouth is, not just women.
If he will never have sex with such a TW its because he knows they are not women, just like you do.

bluejelly · 18/12/2022 15:03

I understand the loneliness and disappointment.
Unfortunately you can't change other people. You can try but you can't make them see the world you as you see it. You can only change the way you react to them. If he is otherwise a good and loving human, can you maybe accept that he is earlier on his journey than you and will get there eventually?

Lcb123 · 18/12/2022 15:09

Because he’s right.

Original poster
korimako90 · 18/12/2022 15:09

That is what I’m hoping,

OP posts:
Abccde · 18/12/2022 15:14

I don't know your DH obviously so he might just be an actual twat.

But I think sometimes it can be that they just haven't engaged with it as it doesn't impact them.

I don't think my husband really gets it and whenever I speak to him I always mention our daughter.

We were chatting the other day after the court decision in Scotland and me explainong a bit about the GRA - he just kept repeating in shock - 'But how can they change their birth certificates. I don't understand how that's possible'.

onedayiwillmissthis · 18/12/2022 15:20

I think some/many men just don't want transwomen in their spaces. Cos in their minds 'men like that are weirdos' and 'just not right' make them feel uncomfortable. So telling us that we, women should accommodate them (pushing the problem on to us, as usual) makes their life easier.

unwashedanddazed · 18/12/2022 15:24

Kellie Jay Keen is coming to NZ in the new year. Dates mentioned in this short video: m.youtube.com/watch?v=DGrwSHYUQEE

Maybe you could get involved in organising or supporting the tour? If would definitely make you feel less isolated.

Original poster
korimako90 · 18/12/2022 15:31

I would love to be as brave as KJK.

OP posts:
NeighbourhoodWatchPotholeDivision · 18/12/2022 15:31

I'm sorry. It's not you. It's him.

NeighbourhoodWatchPotholeDivision · 18/12/2022 15:37

Some funny images for you

Feeling bloody alone
Feeling bloody alone
Original poster
korimako90 · 18/12/2022 15:52

Every post on this thread has given me food for thought and makes me feel less alone. Thank you xx

OP posts:
postcardpuffin · 18/12/2022 15:55

Lcb123 · 18/12/2022 15:09

Because he’s right.

@Lcb123 care to tell us what magic transforms a man into a woman merely by “identification”?

A man puts on a dress and bingo, he’s a woman purely by wishing it, is that it?

You know as well as anyone else does that it’s unmitigated bollocks (quite literally).

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