Thank you for such a thoughtful reply @PomegranateOfPersephone
Everything you say here is true. Your phrase "the bitter experience of history has taught us that when men dress as women the majority of the time it is for very dubious reasons" is absolutely spot on!
This, also, could not have been put better: "Maybe the social mores which [stopped?] a man cross dressing as a woman were there for good reasons and are yet another example of a societal norm which it would be far better if we defended from deconstruction by queer theory."
I've been pondering Chesterton's Fence in relation to the now-defunct norm that men don't dress up in women's clothing in the workplace (unless their workplace is a stage). Men are doing this is kids' schools, with impunity. It can't be right. And of course women wearing men's clothing for comfort, durability & to deter sexual attention just doesn't operate in the same way - it doesn't vitiate safeguards.
The issue of girls clothing being sexualised is a really intractable one. I find it impossible, in practice in my own family, to draw a line between resisting sexualisation, and kind of stigmatising things that are for girls IYKWIM? I don't want, for myself or my daughter, a pretty dress to become taboo when wearing one can be one of life's pleasures.
Bio sex and the cultural practices described by social constructivists as "gender" do blur, and I suspect it's impossible to "abolish gender" without ending up accidentally trying to erase sex - exactly what we are seeing with gender identity ideology!
One thing I am sure of, though, is that I don't want men doing fetish at work or around kids. That's just basic safeguarding, and nothing to do with feminism per se.