I’m totally at a loss what to say or do.

[LostGCMum]

Sorry this is going to be long.
I’m very GC in that biology cannot be denied and that you cannot change sex by wishing it or even having medical treatment.
i don’t often put my head above the parapet but I have on occasion when I felt I had to, but it’s not an issue I think about on a daily basis.
I’m getting older and was a young adult at college in the 80’s when men wore “womens” clothes and vice versa and no one cared who you slept with. I knew people who cross-dressed ( as it was called then) and again no one cared. I had gay friends and still do in fact so I don’t think I am some sort of bigoted dinosaur who needs to move with the times, maybe I’m deluding myself?
Now my dilemma is my son in his 30’s has said to me that he wants to transition to a woman and he has been thinking seriously about it for about a year. Years ago he told us he was gay, okay not a surprise , then he said he was pan sexual so interested in the person not their sex, fine not an issue even though he wasn’t actually having any relationships, then he had a trans m t f partner who he met online. We were supportive used her name and female pronouns and were welcoming and saw them regularly as a couple. She knew I was GC so we didn’t really address the issue, but I remember saying to my son that it was easier for us to accept her, rather than her family, they are somewhat estranged.
My son and his partner have split up now.
I worry I am going to lose my son over this ( he has not asked us as yet to use a female name or pronoun).
i don’t believe that he does actually want to be a woman he has a history of mental health issues and has neglected a physical problem to the point he is almost disabled by it. He lives his life on-line playing fantasy games, works from home and has no actual interaction with people apart from us. He in no way tries to look feminine and would definitely attract looks if he wore a dress or similar. He’s going to want our support with this how can I say to him that I will never think of him as a woman, even if we use his chosen name and pronoun. Of course his on-line friends tell him he’s brave and cute.

Forgot to say name changed for this but have been on MN for many years.

That's a lot to get your head around.

Good luck.

What help is he getting for his mental health and physical problems, OP? It's difficult to make good decisions if your mental health is all over the place. A lot of detransitioners have explained that what would really have helped them when they self-diagnosed as trans was to have had some in-depth therapy from someone who helped them explore everything that was going on. Perhaps this is something that he might benefit from. Can you encourage him to ask for help?

20 years ago we would have described your son's lifestyle as unhealthy — isolated, lonely and living much of the time in a fantasy world. Is there any way of getting him back into the real world?

I know he’s an adult but he sounds like he needs proper help with his real problems, and in engaging with life, before he embarks on anything as complex as transitioning.

God this must be so hard !!
How much is he on Twitter? There are a growing number of detransitioners on there at the moment wishing they hadn’t gone down that path, and wanting to sue the NHS for effectively butchering their bodies and putting them on medication. Same in US.
Loads of trans people are just changing their mind and realising they just needed therapy and living as another gender didn’t make them happy. Some still don’t know what will make them happy, but they know it’s not living as the opposite sex.
Could you present him with some facts. You have his best in interest at heart and don’t want him to go down a path so many are now regretting.

He is in his 30's. It is not the same as wanting to protect an under-18 from life-changing decisions. I guess I would see this in the same vein as all unwise decisions of your children once they are over 18- I would be worried, and try to support all at the same time. Try to keep in the loop with them, but I think actively trying to change his mind is not appropriate, he's an adult and even adults with odd lifestyles and issues are entitled to make those if they are not illegal.

Hiya.

This sounds a difficult situation for you all.

Can I ask you, is he living in his own place? Easier if he is, you won't be asked to lie, even from a place of kindness and love, every day, if he's not in your home.

If he's only been thinking about it for a year, I doubt he has gender dysphoria so this will be a social choice. What I would ask him is why he wants to transition, to what extent and what he thinks will change for him.

In your situation i would leave any conversation about being gc out at least initially and I would tell him that you will always love him.

At the same time i would offer to fund a really good counsellor to help him work through his feelings.

Has he ever had an assessment for autism? I hate armchair diagnoses but it is really heavily correlated with people reporting gender disphoria and also with some of the behaviour you’ve described

I think I'd need a proper sit down chat with him and get a couple of things straight at the start.

1. We will always love you, no matter what you wear or what you call yourself.
2. This is a huge decision and as caring parents we will ask you a lot about it and want to support you to the best possible life.
3. You will always be our little boy, and it will take a long while for us to get used to that changing- we will make mistakes and get it wrong, please be patient.

I would then be a bit watch/wait until I saw where it was going. I'd send articles about de transitioners 'just in case' he is unaware of the long term health impacts of inappropriate hormone treatment.

Don't take a hard line- it's not easy to back down from. There may be time in future to 'wonder' whether the women he bumps into may feel alarmed by a transitioning man in their space etc. but not yet.

He was diagnosed with Borderline Personality Disorder as a teenager we took him to the GP and he was referred to a young persons mental health unit. We did a family session then he saw a mental health nurse but they discharged him after a few sessions as he wasn’t engaging with the work that was needed. Honestly he has lurched from mental health crisis to crisis ever since I’d be here all day if I listed it. He has a history of compulsive lying ( although I don’t think he’s lying about this just confused) and or concealing quite serious things one instance stretching over years which we helped him get out of when he finally told us. I’ve begged him to go to the GP so many times about his mental health, my DH is on long term anti depressants and has tried talking to him as someone who knows how it feels, the physical problem he has he can self refer to get help I’ve sent him the contact details for this on more than one occasion. There is a local clinic for advice about this is which again you can just turn up for I’ve offered to go with him still he won’t go. He has just spoken to his GP who is going to refer him to gender services ( not sure what it is called) I was quite hopeful that that he would get counselling there, that he would actually attend and that would help him.

Whatever he is your child. Give him support and love your views do not matter

Thanks for all the replies, to answer a few questions he has lived in his own place since he was 17, unfortunately we had to ask him to leave home because of the consequences of the compulsive lying. He was in supported accommodation to start with but lied extensively to them as well. He didn’t pass college exams for a course well below his ability, partly because of lies, he’s actually very intelligent and is actually for the most part an extremely caring nice person you would like him if you met him. I don’t think he has Autism although if course I’m not an expert I have seen it in friends children and have volunteered with children who do have a diagnosis.
We partially supported him financially for many years fist when he lost his college funding and when he didn’t work for many years and we still do but to a much lower extent.

He needs therapy, not hormones.

Of course OP's views matter. She is human too.

I think the approach I would take with this is that he is clearly suffering from some significant mh issues, and that is what this is about. Tbh I might not be totally sure about the sexuality element either at this point either, as it could be part of a larger issue around online activities and isolation.

All that being the case, I would not be willing to comply with requests about pronouns and names and all the rest, because to me that would be feeding into a serious medical crisis, just as I wouldn't with a child dealing with anorexia, delusions of some kind, etc. I don't think that would be an acceptable response as a parent in this situation.

I'd explain all of this, and it is possible it would cause a break if he wouldn't accept it. But I think ultimately feeding into an illness like this is likely to be more damaging. He needs some reality that is constant.

Because of his age, there is nothing you can do about him transitioning OP, if that is what he wants. But there is a long way to go yet and if he has been thinking about it for a year, I am surprised that he hasn't already changed him name at the very least.

All the GP will do is put him on a waiting list for a gender clinic, if appropriate. There is a long wait so he may decide to get medication online which would obviously not be a good idea but most do.

But what I would want to know is what he thinks the outcome will be. What, in his mind, will it all look like.

Is he going to dress differently for example.

And I'd just note, there is I believe a significant cross-over with this kind of thing and BPD. There might be some material available on it that could be helpful.

What does he think living as a woman will mean for him? I would keep my reaction low key and encourage him to get support for his mental and physical health. Would any reputable doctor, in the current climate, be prepared to consider someone with unaddressed physical and mental health problems for transition.
Do you think he is serious given his history of compulsive lying or is there any other reason why he might say this?

I think as well that I'd encourage him to wait a while before doing things that can't be undone. I don't think that sounds like a rejection or a hard line, just a sensible 'look son, before you do anything final, take a little time to think.'.

I suspect he wants to do anything to be accepted. His last meaningful relationship was with a m to f trans so he wants to repeat that.

GP who is going to refer him to gender services

This for me is disappointing. Surely with your sons background in mental health he could get counselling first before approaching gender services.

Good luck but really think your son will be better off getting proper help for his mh, not gender issues.

Yes, how about starting a conversation about what he thinks he's going to gain from 'becoming' a woman and keeping that conversation going? The very first TW I knew (I knew him before he transitioned) had the idea that life was easier for women because they had husbands who looked after them, they could retire at 60 (ah, remember the old days?)
Does your son think like will be easier if he self-IDs as a woman?

It occurs to me that if he finds going out and socialising etc a problem now, things are going to be even more complicated for him after transitioning. There's a lot of evidence that transitioning doesn't make an awful lot of people any happier: mental health outcomes don't automatically improve. What was his relationship with his TW girlfriend like? What ideas did that individual give him?

I don't agree with all those people who are saying he's your son and you have to support him no matter what. I think there comes a time for many parents with children with MH issues when the healthiest thing for all concerned is to step back.

OP, this sounds so hard. Have you got some support in place for yourself? There's so much here to process, it sounds like it's been a difficult relationship for a very long time. You won't be able to help or support your son unless you are taking care of yourself - put your oxygen mask on first, as the saying goes.

Have you had any counselling, therapy, to help you navigate your own feelings around all of this?

Gosh thanks for all the thoughtful comments, I thought I was going to get flammed as a bad parent, there are a lot of helpful suggestions that I am going to think through. I’m definitely going to research any links from his mental health issues to the desire to transition.
I agree with everyone who has said that he needs help with his mental health issues rather than hormones. I wish that as his mum I could just march him to the GP and insist on some help for him ( like I could when he was a child) . We could fund some private therapy if necessary but I wouldn’t know where to start to find the appropriate help and tbh I don’t know if my son would go if it wasn’t about transitioning.
We are in Scotland and I worry that soon it’s going to be enough to say you are a woman and voila you are.

I strongly suggest that you look into some help for yourself as a priority. What do you have in place to ensure that you look after your own health and wellbeing? To a certain extent, you have to let your adult child make their own mistakes. I can understand that it must be very hard, but it's also important to have strong boundaries, and to recognise that beyond a certain point, your son is responsible for himself and his own life choices.