I’m totally at a loss what to say or do.

[LostGCMum]

Sorry this is going to be long.
I’m very GC in that biology cannot be denied and that you cannot change sex by wishing it or even having medical treatment.
i don’t often put my head above the parapet but I have on occasion when I felt I had to, but it’s not an issue I think about on a daily basis.
I’m getting older and was a young adult at college in the 80’s when men wore “womens” clothes and vice versa and no one cared who you slept with. I knew people who cross-dressed ( as it was called then) and again no one cared. I had gay friends and still do in fact so I don’t think I am some sort of bigoted dinosaur who needs to move with the times, maybe I’m deluding myself?
Now my dilemma is my son in his 30’s has said to me that he wants to transition to a woman and he has been thinking seriously about it for about a year. Years ago he told us he was gay, okay not a surprise , then he said he was pan sexual so interested in the person not their sex, fine not an issue even though he wasn’t actually having any relationships, then he had a trans m t f partner who he met online. We were supportive used her name and female pronouns and were welcoming and saw them regularly as a couple. She knew I was GC so we didn’t really address the issue, but I remember saying to my son that it was easier for us to accept her, rather than her family, they are somewhat estranged.
My son and his partner have split up now.
I worry I am going to lose my son over this ( he has not asked us as yet to use a female name or pronoun).
i don’t believe that he does actually want to be a woman he has a history of mental health issues and has neglected a physical problem to the point he is almost disabled by it. He lives his life on-line playing fantasy games, works from home and has no actual interaction with people apart from us. He in no way tries to look feminine and would definitely attract looks if he wore a dress or similar. He’s going to want our support with this how can I say to him that I will never think of him as a woman, even if we use his chosen name and pronoun. Of course his on-line friends tell him he’s brave and cute.

Does he actually want to change his body because he believes that woman=female, or does he believe that you can be a woman no matter what you/your body looks like?

I know when he says 'wants to transition to a woman' that sounds to most people like he means adopting female physical characteristics but if he is fully immersed in gender ideology that view might actually seem old-fashioned.

the good thing about gender clinics in Scotland is the waiting list is currently about 4 years.

the really good thing is that he told you, so you know he trusts you.

the bad thing about that is that people seek support online and affirm each other.

id be asking his GP to organise a review at his psychiatrist to rule out other causes of his gender distress. Gender clinic won’t do that.

watch for him buying hormones online and ask him about where he is getting his information from. Try directing him to the counter points - but be careful about yourself, too. This will probably be hard, make sure you have support.

here is barracker’s essay about pronouns
Pronouns are rohypnol

You are not a bad parent, far from it. I am inclined to say I would make soothing noises, and let him get on with it; you know your son well, you know he is reticent to engage with professionals.

Transitioning does not need to involve any form of body modification, no meds/hormones or surgery are required (this info is for the lurkers and readers)

What Arabella says. Step one, oxygen mask on you.

It can be helpful to go back to the old idea of the three cs when someone you love is wrestling with mh: you didn't cause it, you can't change it and you can't control it. Mentally stepping back matters, as all you can really be is a safe place of calm, stability and support - and the support is for him, that doesn't mean the support is for the idea that currently feels to him like a way forward or a way out of distress and may or may not be right for him or long term. Try encouragement to talk to services and see what they offer, and encourage or help information on a wide range instead of the narrow ones he's likely to have frequently suggested may help, but the important thing is looking after you and keeping yourself stable and not on the rollercoaster with him.

How long ago did his relationship break up and was it his decision. It could be that this is what his ex wants him to do and he is hoping to get back with them.

I think you need a lot more information from him. It sounds like he's taking it as a casual thing as so many do these days but if he wants your support, I expect you would need to know whether he is serious or whether this is just a passing whim.

@LostGCMum this sounds very similar to a situation with a male family member of mine also in his 30s (closer to 40 in fact). His mum could have written your post.

It is unlikely your son is getting a full picture of the realities of transition, but you can find these things out and make him aware. It sounds like you have significant doubts that this is the right path for him and if you don’t mention this, no-one will. Sorry if that sounds dramatic but as you know from living in Scotland, it can be difficult to find unbiased counsellors/therapists and those with the best of intentions to help might not be what he needs.

There are an increasing number of male detransitioners speaking out and talking both of acceptance of their sex and regret at medical interventions, and many also talk of being a vulnerable adult with even fewer checks than for teens before starting on the medical route. If you are on Twitter, look out for TullipR, ShifterofShapes and others, many of whom are now popping up on podcasts, doing talks and writing blogs about their experiences. Watch the Regretters documentary on Netflix/YouTube - it’s two men who used to identify as women and have had surgery talking through their reasons for doing it and how they feel about it decades later.

Don’t rely on NHS waiting lists to buy you time. He could go private, order hormones online, bypass the NHS to a large extent, very quickly.

If you are able to get suitable counselling for him, self-esteem should be a priority. Some transitioners have talked of the attraction of a fresh start at life as someone new and that is probably appealing to most of us at some stage. But it isn’t possible to escape who we are and any pre-existing issues will likely follow him to his new life.

I hope you have a support network for yourself, a couple of people you can confide in. Don’t expect anything to change quickly and remind him he is loved but that you are allowed to be concerned about him and exploring this fully together would help you as well as him.

sending big hugs