Guardian Article - ‘I thought my boyfriend of 10 years was going to propose – then he told me he was trans’

[PriamFarrl]

Young woman whose partner came out as trans. Interesting reading.

Sorry if it’s already been posted. www.theguardian.com/society/2022/oct/08/i-thought-my-boyfriend-of-10-years-was-going-to-propose-then-he-told-me-he-was-transgender?CMP=twt_gu&utm_source=Twitter&utm_medium#Echobox=1665224311-1

Thoughtful article, it must have taken a lot of strength to get through that shock. It's heartening to read that she's moved on with her life and thinks it possible to reminisce and be positive about their relationship with her ex.

But what these kind of articles don't address, is the bigger picture. Of course, it's a personal profile about one person's dissolution of a relationship. But the trans element encompasses so much more than just the two people in that relationship. I would have found it equally interesting to know what the author thinks about the socal impact of gender transitioning - it's not enough to say "I loved this person, a shock happened, we dealt with it, we're both happier now (together or apart)".

Of course it's always better for both sides to turn out happier than before, we all wish each other happiness, don't we?

But analysis and discourse about the wider repercussions of transgenderism needs to be brought to light, and how these issues need to be reconciled with the desire for personal freedom and happiness.

I want my trans child to be happy, I'm supportive of them. But I don't want their actions to impact negatively on other people in society - this is not something we actively discuss, because it diverts from the #bekind framework. But it's a necessary discussion for us all to have i believe.

Isn't it odd that #bekind only goes one way? What is wrong with transwomen being expected to be kind to others, too?

But reality soon careered into view. “If I was going to be a beautiful woman I’d have had to have transitioned when I was a teenager.

Women don't all get to be "beautiful women". That's not what being female is about.

But reality soon careered into view. “If I was going to be a beautiful woman I’d have had to have transitioned when I was a teenager.

Is that a nod to children need to medically transition in order to pass successfully?

Interesting timing.

Good point!

A few months ago, that article would have been labelled hateful and not published. The partners and family members of transing people are supposed to disappear as the new "authentic" self emerges. So Phoebe McDowell writes about her disbelief and rage (it wasn't that wonderful a relationship as her ex was essentially dishonest with her) and she is not selfless nor stupid enough to sacrifice herself by staying in the relationship as the other female mentioned does. Still, her progressive brainwashing doesnt allow her to look deeper into the phenomenon of why?

I want my trans child to be happy, I'm supportive of them. But I don't want their actions to impact negatively on other people in society - this is not something we actively discuss, because it diverts from the #bekind framework. But it's a necessary discussion for us all to have i believe.

Very much so. Reality cannot be held off outside a small bubble, no matter what some support groups tell trans people.

When my now teen was younger, we tried to develop resilience where it was appropriate. It does seem that in some support groups there is a reversal of the focus on resilience, leaving significant mental health issues to develop or to be unsupported may be a better wording.

Either way, the discussion is necessary I agree.

All the women I know are beautiful, but perhaps not in the way this quote refers to.

". A few months ago, that article would have been labelled hateful and not published"

And some other trans widow stories will never be of interest to the guardian.

It is a good article and is very expressive of the hurt felt by someone who has discovered their ex has an authentic self that they kept quit for a decade but these first person accounts are selected to push whatever line the guardian is promoting at the time.

She is a young attractive woman who writes well. Hopefully she will, if she wants to, meet someone new and move on. On the plus side at least he was honest before marriage and kids were an issue.

All the women I know are beautiful, but perhaps not in the way this quote refers to.

I think the way most people define "beauty" is objective physical attractiveness, and this male person certainly.

All humans are beautiful, yes, but we can't all be stunningly attractive.

Do you think 'beautiful' in this context means 'passing'.

I'm sure I've heard that the rush to puberty blockers is actually <whisper> for aesthetics. Allthe talk of pausing, thinking time, is just a fig leaf.

Also the aside to castigate 'conversion therapy' seemed a bit shoe horned.

Any road up, all the best for the pair of them. It seems to have been an awful time and I'm glad they're both in a better place.

So she was so devasted that 7 months later she's in live with someone else and now happy fie him.
Not quite the same impact as trans widows with kids etc. Still good to see, apart from the agreeing with medical transition for children bit.

The Guardian is so up itself these days, and its gradual possible change in stance is embarrassing to witness. Does it have any integrity?

Interesting, but still left with the feeling that she has been brainwashed. The ban on "conversion therapy", which in reality is a ban on talking therapy and technically her questioning whether her partner was actually trans would be considered "conversion therapy". He is not living as his "authentic self".

Like with all of these, I do have sympathy for the man in question. He is a heterosexual male who has a particular form of gender dysmorphia (see Blanchard's theory), but doesn't know it and is instead being led down the garden path of half-truths and impossible dreams. He won't be happy and will in 10 years question why he was allowed to do this. He should make piece with his dysmorphia and understand life is better without (the soon to be regretted) transition.

It's really a story of two individuals who have been lied to by society, and the schism between gut-feeling and what politically looks like the right thing to do.

Isn't it odd that #bekind only goes one way? What is wrong with transwomen being expected to be kind to others, too?

This, a thousand times over.

Well yeah, especially given that WOMEN are generally expected to be kind and put everyone else first.

Really it's almost as if transwomen are men, given the rules of behaviour are so very, very different.

The thing is though, for girls wanting to be boys, blockers will stunt their growth and make it even less likely they'll 'pass' in adulthood. So what's that about?

A declaration of "I'm trans" from an adult these days is far more problematic than it might have been 20 years ago.

Twenty years ago it would have been something about gender dysphoria, and an intent to undergo some sort of cosmetic procedure.

That's a big deal sure, but kind of straightforward, as it wouldn't require you to detach from reality.

These days though it also often implies a huge religious/ideological commitment, and an expectation that others play along. It's effectively equivalent to "I'm joining the Scientologists, and we expect you to come along too."

Your second sentence made me laugh

I think it's been pretty well established that girls/women are just there to validate the men.

Yeah, I think this is true. Bombshells in marriages suck, but they do happen sometimes. A relative of mine was going along happily, had noticed her husband was acting a bit oddly, it tuned out he was a narcotics addict who was taking his patients prescriptions and replacing them with placebos, and had been getting into all kinds of other addiction related problems. His, and her, whole life fell apart.

Sucky, but it was recognized by all as a tragedy and one where he had behaved badly, even if there was sympathy for the addiction.

Now the expectation around transition is totally different and doesn't really recognize the pressure and effects on the family who are expected to be supportive and on board with the whole ideology.

I'm glad.

It is rather absurd though, isn't it? Soooo strange that this one group of 'women' are expected and encouraged to behave so very much like entitled men isn't it? Like the most very toxic masculinity you could possible imagine. Trampling over everyone's feelings, demanding things, denying the most basic accommodations to others and not giving even the tiniest thought to the impact on others of their behaviour. Just so very, very strange and so different to most women. I do WONDER what it is about these women that is SO different to the vast majority of the 50%?

Funny how becoming a woman mainly seemed to involve banging on about make up and skipping off to the nail bar. Would have been more authentic if they'd suddenly started doing more housework and remembering their mum's birthday. (Based on the main gender differences in my own relationship!)