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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Cottaging

111 replies

TimeAtTheBar · 05/10/2022 09:52

Is very much still a thing.

My best friend is an older gay man, long term single. Several times a week he visits the ‘naughty toilets’ at several locations around our (small, conservative) town to, er, get his needs met. It’s a whole thing. There are websites and an app to arrange encounters, but you can also just go to these locations on the off chance and there’s a system/signal.

I’m very open minded but I do find it pretty shocking. Also I didn’t know opportunist cottaging was still a thing with the advent of Grindr etc.

He is obviously horrified by the creeping trend for unisex toilets. And it got me thinking that this behaviour is EXACTLY why they are a horrible idea.

Men are just SO different from women. Different motivations, different needs, different boundaries. This drive to pretend we are exactly the same and can pick and choose which one we are is fundamentally a big fat lie.

Im just posting for thoughts really. A post on another thread (the one about wtf moments) made me think of it.

I also have another friend who is happily single but uses Grindr for one off encounters several times a week and from what they both say this is standard behaviour for many gay men. It’s not just the risk of assaults in mixed spaces, it’s the behaviour of men in general, gay or straight.

OP posts:
FunnyTalks · 05/10/2022 10:13

Yes there's a whole area of undergrowth in Brighton used for gay sex encounters. I don't really care.

What I do care about is the fact that lesbian women could never ever have the same for themselves, should they want it. Just imagine what men would do, if they did.

Yes this is never acknowledged by faux progressives.

TimeAtTheBar · 05/10/2022 10:19

What I do care about is the fact that lesbian women could never ever have the same for themselves, should they want it. Just imagine what men would do, if they did.

That is such a good point. Any lesbian cottaging site would be an absolute magnet for straight men. Another way in which men and women differ.

And saunas as well. Men have an absolute entitlement to privacy and don’t afford women anyway. I remember the furore with a trans man trying to access a sauna and given extremely short shrift. But lesbian bars are overrun.

OP posts:
sashagabadon · 05/10/2022 10:20

I was listening to a podcast with Louise Perry the other day and she made the point that if you want to see what male sexuality is like in all it’s glory look at the activities of gay men. Straight men generally can’t behave like this as women are the limiting factor and generally don’t do this sort of thing ( as more dangerous and consequences of pregnancy higher).
I thought that was interesting and very true.

girlmom21 · 05/10/2022 10:21

What happens if you completely innocently accidentally 'give the signal'? Confused

FunnyTalks · 05/10/2022 10:44

girlmom21 · 05/10/2022 10:21

What happens if you completely innocently accidentally 'give the signal'? Confused

I often wonder that about dogging, if we ever happen to be sat in a car park in the evening! My littlest kid likes to press allll the buttons. One day we'll probably accidentally summon a disappointed masturbator to the window.

TimeAtTheBar · 05/10/2022 10:47

DisappointedMasturbator would be a fabulous username.

🤣🤣

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TheClogLady · 05/10/2022 10:59

There has been a lot of online discussion (perhaps not here as not so relevant to feminism) of trans ideology on gay male bathhouse culture, which is obviously similar to cottaging but in a fully contained, designated space (which is better for the general public than randomly stumbling across someone else’s encounter!)

The creeping loss of single sex spaces/social activities is going to affect gay men more than straight men (because gay men need all the same things as straight men in terms of dignity, privacy, healthcare, mental health support, plus some extra services and spaces on top) which is perhaps why they’ve started to pay attention to terves, having largely ignored the lesbians who’ve been sounding the alarm for 20 years?

Hopefully a balance will be restored because while we don’t want women (or GNC men) to be completely shut out of old style members clubs where men network business etc, men should still be able to have their own hobby groups and support groups and yes, I suppose that DOES include fully-consensual-sexual-activity-culture without worrying about having their fully informed consent nullified (although frankly I am too tired out caring and advocating for women and children to offer an assistance on that!)

Lesbians haven’t generally wanted this particularly type of sex club/culture but they are being disproportionately affected by ‘transbians’ in social groups, in the publications for lesbian and bi women and on dating apps (because lesbians are a smaller percentage of the population than gay men and tend towards dating one person at a time, thus the number of single-and-looking lesbians within easy geographical dating range can be tiny. This means any male transitioners and/or part time gender fluid/cross dressers on the same dating app search result are really noticeable, which makes the apps unappealing and not very useful for any exclusively same SEX attracted women looking to find other same SEX attracted women).

That the looking-to-date-lesbians are a small percentage of the single-and-looking market as a whole further compounds the issues as the companies that build and run the apps don’t see them as an important factor in a financially viable business. Lesbians are seemingly no ones priority except other lesbians (and a few bi and straight women who stand with them) and even then, as women, they are socialised not to centre their own needs and desires from birth, same as all girls.

it’s a proper shit show. Lesbian social groups have had to go back underground like it’s still the 1930s, which is obviously shit for young lesbians who are growing up in isolation again (or automatically sucked into Q culture, because the L is almost invisible, bar the transitioned males who identify as lesbian).

I met a young German lesbian who told me that as a teen she assumed she couldn’t possibly BE a lesbian because amongst her generation Transwomen Are Women and she knew instinctively she would never, ever find a transwoman attractive.
instead, being naturally butch-of-centre, she assumed she was a transman, and as she was attracted to a similar look/attitude to her own in other females, she found herself identifying as a transman who exclusively fancied other transmen! Aka a ‘gay trans guy’ in TRA parlance!

it was only after her transman partner started looking into radical feminism that they both slowly came to accept that they were two naturally GNC lesbians! And subsequently detransitioned.

Sadly, by that stage both had had double mastectomies and experienced irreversible changes from testosterone.
Fortunately, like many of the current crop of detransitioners they are sensitive, insightful and intelligent and are coming to terms with what they’ve been through via friendship with other detrans people and hope to offer an alternative message of gender to teen girls and young women like themselves.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 05/10/2022 11:18

Posts like yours make me cry TheClogLady . When I think about all the places and groups that I was able to access in my early decades of being a lesbian - initially gay clubs (hidden down dark alleyways and with the bouncers checking you out through a slide window in the door) and then the heady days of women only spaces - via the women's movement and then increasingly lesbian clubs / groups. And to know that today young lesbians are not only denied this but are actively groomed to abandon their sexual preference and accept men as sexual partners with a side order of threats, violence & social exclusion if they ever protest.

Today I am despairing.

MrsOvertonsWindow · 05/10/2022 11:22

Sorry OP - didn't mean to derail the thread.

TimeAtTheBar · 05/10/2022 11:24

MrsOvertonsWindow · 05/10/2022 11:22

Sorry OP - didn't mean to derail the thread.

Not at all! I think it’s all part of the same discussion.

Men, especially gay men; are protective over their private spaces. Women, especially lesbians, are expected to allow men in.

The problem is men’s entitlement.

Also I will never again allow my 11yo son to take himself off to the public gents. I had jo idea cottage garden was so prevalent (and I was truly shocked at which toilets were in use, they are the nicer ones).

OP posts:
TimeAtTheBar · 05/10/2022 11:25

Cottage garden 🤦🏻‍♀️ Thanks autocarrot.

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DisappointedMasturbator · 05/10/2022 16:36

@TimeAtTheBar @FunnyTalks nothing to add to the topic but I can confirm as a 50 year old menopausal woman with no sex life with someone else and the effects of the menopause in full force I am a disappointed masturbator!

I Quite like it. The name that is not the disappointment. I may keep it I've been thinking of name changing for a while.

kisses
Disappointed xx

SphincterSaysWhat · 05/10/2022 16:47

girlmom21 · 05/10/2022 10:21

What happens if you completely innocently accidentally 'give the signal'? Confused

You get sucked off.

ChagSameachDoreen · 05/10/2022 18:24

Gross. No wonder diseases are so rife.

smallbutfaraway · 05/10/2022 18:25

sashagabadon · 05/10/2022 10:20

I was listening to a podcast with Louise Perry the other day and she made the point that if you want to see what male sexuality is like in all it’s glory look at the activities of gay men. Straight men generally can’t behave like this as women are the limiting factor and generally don’t do this sort of thing ( as more dangerous and consequences of pregnancy higher).
I thought that was interesting and very true.

Maybe it's just me, but bragging about how you find gay men icky and disgusting isn't a great look Sasha.

Birdsweepsin · 05/10/2022 18:31

That's not a fair accusation @smallbutfaraway , Sacha said nothing condemnation at all, just look at gay men if you want to understand male sexuality.

It seems axiomatic to me that the rise in trans m-to-f people is directly correlated with the widespread advent of graphic, unpleasant porn that depicts women as compliant and, importantly, always available.

Trans women pretending to be voracious, insatiable, female sex bunnies to satiate priapic men who aren't gay but who wish their potential partners were as loose with attachment as gay men often are.

Worriedaboutethics · 05/10/2022 18:32

@TimeAtTheBar

if this is everywhere with men is it a genetic thing?

BenCoopersSupportWren · 05/10/2022 18:44

smallbutfaraway · 05/10/2022 18:25

Maybe it's just me, but bragging about how you find gay men icky and disgusting isn't a great look Sasha.

Your reading comprehension let you down there I’m afraid. There was no value judgement in the PP’s post.

It is the case that in general gay men are more likely to indulge in risky sexy behaviours than straight men or women. It’s not a coincidence that the demographic which saw the greatest spread of monkeypox during the recent outbreak - a disease spread by close physical contact albeit not specifically sexually transmitted - was gay men, and particularly gay men who frequented communal sex spaces. (Indeed, the LGBA were calling at one point for bathhouses to be closed during the outbreak.)

BenCoopersSupportWren · 05/10/2022 18:46

sexual behaviours, not sexy 🙄

newtb · 05/10/2022 18:56

In Knutsford they were moved on, and transferred their 'social' activities to the gents in the centre, next to the conservative club. Letters were written to the local rag. One of their number protested they had nowhere for their social activities. Half an hour from Manchester's gay village. One early summer's morning, a concerned parent drove a JCB across the heath and took out nearly the whole of the end wall. I knew someone who knew who'd done it, but he never said.

TwoWrightFeet · 05/10/2022 18:56

you are going to get the shock of your life when you discover this behaviour is the exception and not the rule!

FunnyTalks · 05/10/2022 18:58

smallbutfaraway · 05/10/2022 18:25

Maybe it's just me, but bragging about how you find gay men icky and disgusting isn't a great look Sasha.

It is impossible to follow your line of thought, small.

Did you once think that about gay men? Perhaps your parents did? Because I'm wondering if you're projecting, so little sense did your accusation make.

PrawnofthePatriarchy · 05/10/2022 19:02

I'm somewhat surprised that cottaging is still a thing. I remember it back in the 80s when AIDS made it a lot riskier, but the need for anonymity/secrecy was much greater.

TheClogLady · 05/10/2022 19:09

TwoWrightFeet · 05/10/2022 18:56

you are going to get the shock of your life when you discover this behaviour is the exception and not the rule!

I think we’d be a lot more shocked to find out there were rules (as opposed to individuals and statistical averages), tbh.

FannyCann · 05/10/2022 19:20

I accidentally happened across a twitter # which is DEFINITELY NSFW .
Investigate at your own risk.
#Folsom

30 seconds will tell you all you ever need to know about untrammelled male sexuality.

But I do find it rather amusing (in a bitter way) that an argument against unisex toilets is that men find they have to restrict themselves to using toilets for toilet purposes. Confused