Divorced couple, shared custody, one fully affirming their child....

[TheHighNotes]

I'm writing this on behalf of my brother who is experiencing a very complicated situation which I outline below, in order to get your thoughts and advice.

So, brother got divorced 4 years ago when his wife declared she was a lesbian (obviously other issues too). They have two children aged 9 and 6, both boys.
The younger of the two has always enjoyed wearing dresses and the like which my brother has, and continues to have no problem with.
However, a few months ago he had an email (from the ex) saying that he ought to prepare himself as she was pretty sure they might be raising a daughter in the future.
A week after this, another email where she now asks him to refer to their son by an alternate name and also to use neutral pronouns.
On the first day of last term at a new school she proudly dressed him in the 'girls' uniform (the school had no problem with this) and introduced him to everyone by the new name. She also sat down with the school to inform them that she could help with their policies regarding trans inclusion in the school.

She is (apparently) best placed to know about all this because she is part of the LGBT+ community, and also that her long term partner is autistic - their son may indeed have autistic traits, so what my brother believes holds no sway.

Fast forward to today and things have fully progressed to addressing the child as Daughter/girl/she, correcting the sibling when he slips up, and demanding that my brother also does this, which he refuses to do.
He refuses to do this on a number of grounds, not least that he doesn't believe that his son realises what any of this means, especially at age 6. There have been instances in the past where when being in a restroom another child has entered and said, 'you shouldnt be in here' and he has replied, 'yes I can. I'm a boy, I just dress like a girl'.

My brother honestly doesn't mind the free attitude to clothes or 'gender', and will put both uniforms out to give him a choice on school days etc, but he doesn't believe that any of this is being led by his child.
An incident today has prompted this message, where he went to drop off some items at her house. On arrival his youngest runs out and gives his dad a hug, and proudly lifts up his unicorn t-shirt to reveal a bralet. 'I have a boob vest' he proudly declares.

My brother can continue to assert that his son is a boy and say to him that 'girls' things can be played with or worn by boys too. However, the longer this continues he really fears the damage being done within this little childs head with the affirmation within the other household during the alternate week she has custody.

None of this adresses the fact that the older brother is also really being affected by the situation and finds it harder to cling on to his own reality.

So, over to you for thoughts, suggestions, help.

Most appreciated.

What a difficult situation OP. The interim review from the Cass Report has some pointers about the undesirability of transitioning young children and ignoring their other issues. There are now lots of organisations with advice. I attach an excellent piece from Transgender Trend by a psychologist about the harm done to young children by socially transitioning them.
I'd advise him taking advice from an organisation like genspect or Transgender Trend in deciding how to proceed and how to sensitively support his son.
Below is also also a link to a lengthy court judgement about Child J who was removed from his very unwell mother's care after she tried to transition her son despite there being no evidence that this was in his best interests. The details might have some relevance at some stage.

www.transgendertrend.com/childhood-social-transition/

www.bailii.org/ew/cases/EWHC/Fam/2016/2430.html

This is a powerful thread where Mumsnetters discuss a lesbian mother who tells her story about socially transitioning her very young child and then realising of course that she's made a terrible mistake. There are lots of useful links and comments on the thread:

www.mumsnet.com/talk/womens_rights/4620054-parents-with-inconvenient-truths-about-trans

Is this in England?

It can be very difficult for a child to live across two homes that are vastly different. I sympathise with your nephews, and your brother.

Opinions aside, ultimately I think the best thing for your brother to do is insist that no professional diagnosis of gender Dysphoria = no social transition.
One parent cannot make these decisions when there are two parents with legal responsibility for the child. Your brother needs legal advice - perhaps Legal Feminist can point him in the direction of a GC solicitor working in the family court sector?

thanks to Cass your brother is in a much better position to argue this with both his child’s mother and the child’s school than he would’ve been at any other time in the past few years.

best of luck.

Doesn't your brother have any say with regards to how the school deal with this?
He could surely meet with the head to discuss the inappropriateness of their immediate affirmation approach.

If your nephew wants to play around with different dresses etc that's completely fine and should be encouraged. His ex wife is wrong in dogmatically insisting this makes the child "really a girl". It's a form of child abuse really. The ex wife sounds completely deranged.

Thanks already for your input and pointers.
I agree the Cass report may have a significant impact on social transition as a concept and hopefully it will make businesses / institutions think twice about following that path.
The school have actually been quite good. Whilst they agreed to him being able to wear a uniform of his choice they refused to bow to the pressure of pronoun changes. It remains to be seen whether this continues in the coming term with both a new headteacher and the full adoption of female pronouns by the mother.
Yes, this is in the UK. And yes, he wonders at what point something like this constitutes abuse.

The most frustrating thing is that he has no bias as to his sons sexuality or longer term choices. He just doesn't understand why there is this need to label him as something so definitively - other than some form of virtue signalling, aren't I a progressive parent. Questioning it, as he did in the begining, only leads to himself being labelled transphobic which of course negates any meaningful discussion.

My advice would be to read and understand the child J report above, maintain contact with the children at all times and put no pressure on them to either persist or desist but to give space.

The school is another matter though. He also has parental responsibility so he probably needs advice from a good family solicitor to approach this.

A bralette on a child of six? The mother sounds deranged.

If i was your brother I was seek legal advice on where he stood legally 1/ regarding custody and 2/ what happens if he does not agree.

The worst thing for both his children would be to lose him on their life.

But he needs to gear up for the real battles that may be ahead.

This is happening more and more - parent is essentially forcing the child to become the gender of their choosing. Its essentially child abuse but how do you prove it (if it is driven by the child then its not child abuse, but young children.....really!)

But the mother sounds so far gone that your brother needs to tread really carefully especially if she is the main carer.

Yeah the bralet thing is pretty weird. No six year old needs to wear a bralet and I would have said no to a daughter.

Is this the UK? If they were married safe to assume his name is on the birth certificate.
It sounds like they're rumbling along trying to make the best of it at the moment but probably an idea for him to get legal advice. He may need to put it before the courts to prevent decisions being made without his input.

It sounds odd that 6yo have separate sex toilets leading to this child being challenged about which one he's using. It's usual for such young children for both sexes to use the same loos at school and I've never been aware of anyone objecting to it out in the wider world.

The toilets were just public ones and he was with his father so not school related.

What is the deal re posting a link to an Instagram page? The mother has just posted a picture of their son in the bralet. It's really disturbing.......

A bralette is underwear. What does your brother say about the picture?

The image is tagged as 'X wanted to show her first crop top experience'.

Brother frankly rather shocked and doesnt quite know how to object to it.

Myself - I don't believe that a 6 year old has willingly decided to buy that item of clothing and I don't believe he chose to share that decision on social media.

I agree with you. I don’t think my did knew what one was aged 6. Can your brother fill out a form on Instagram to try to get the photo removed? I hope the links prove useful for your brother.

"She is (apparently) best placed to know about all this because she is part of the LGBT+ community"

Lot of truth in this! Certainly the child is lucky to have at least one supportive parent.

Contact Bayswater group.

Contact safe schools alliance U.K.

Get some legal advice

Speak confidentially to school? Describe social media - unsure about this though

I'd consider reporting to ss especially with the social media post

Regarding the school, I wonder if the Suella Braverman speech / guidance will be helpful. School aren't obliged to go along with this.

Does the have a formal diagnosis and medical referrals for GD?

Father needs all Cass review info to hand too.

(Meant to say above as well as transgender trend, contact these groups.)

I certainly didn't post pictures of my son having his 'first cricket box experience' and I would have expected serious pushback if I had.

I'm not sure there's a thing he can do, except ask his ex in no uncertainterms to take pics if his child in their underwearoff Instagram. I actually wouldn't push to get a diagnosis - why medicalise this? We are in a phase now where a big minority of children are going to be socially transitioned for a chunk of their childhoods. His child won't be the only one. In fact having a different house where the child can if they want have a different name or pronouns might be a good thing. I'd keep doing what he does with the child and let them take the lead. And I'd get legal advice quietly.

He should point out that 6 yr old girls don't get photoed and put on Instagram in their underwear/ a bra let and point out how abusers could target the child.

In fact I do think dad could raise this point with school as this does come under some of the points in keeping children safe in education. Online harms, risks of SM, everyone's invited.

None of this adresses the fact that the older brother is also really being affected by the situation and finds it harder to cling on to his own reality.

This is also so worrying. The harm to other children - siblings, friends and classmates - is largely being ignored.

WTF?! Posting a picture of a child in underwear is a huge red flag!

He really must raise the photo as a safeguarding issue. I don't know how he should do this though - can he raise it with school? Can he get a solicitor to write a letter to his ex? Would he want to apply for full time custody of his children?

So awful for the Mum to be pushing her dangerous ideology on her children. Child abuse.

It may help to avoid direct conflict on the gender identity issue.

No 6yr old should be pictured in underwear on Insta. So I'd raise that as a start.

I'd also keep assuring my child that they can wear whatever they like.

I'd remind them of basic privacy/consent rules, that other people don't get to touch them without consent, that we all like privacy etc. there's a pants song, I think, and a good rule about what's inside our swim suit is private and we don't talk to other people about it.

I'd say lots of boys like dresses and sparkles, lots of girls like football, what you like doesn't change who you are.

You can give lots of affirming messages without confronting the gender issue at all.