How do you tell children what trans means?

[VeeringTowardsMuff1ns]

My son is nearly 10 and the other day was flicking through Netflix and came across a cartoon with a trans character as the lead and so asked me what trans meant. I answered his question but I don’t think it was particularly balanced as it was based on my own GC point of view. Any advice on how I can tackle this question fairly and objectively?

This is the show in question. He’s not watched it yet and I don’t know if he will but if it’s a good show he might (he wasn’t sure from the trailer, which he just found confusing).

www.digitalspy.com/tv/ustv/a40300139/dead-end-netflix-musical-queer-lgbtq/

My son was also left quite confused as I said that Barney was born a girl and now identifies as a boy and my son thought it was the other way round - “I thought it was a boy pretending to be a girl” to quote him directly - and I don’t think was convinced that I had it the right way round!

Obviously this is an issue that is going to come up more as he gets older and I want to be able to talk to him about it properly.

I think this is a good age to be having these conversations. Just keep talking. And listening.

I have done it in very basic terms on both gay and trans conversations/questions.

everyone is different, gay means girls like girls and boys like boys, sometimes people like both boys and girls.

trans means that sometimes a person feels they were born in the wrong body, a boy may feel like he really should be a girl and vice versa.

I’ve told them there are people out there who don’t like this and don’t think being gay or trans is right, but as far as I’m concerned everyone should be free to feel the way they feel and be who they want.

When this comes up I just explain what sex is and discuss human anatomy. If changing sex comes up I explain that's not possible, and then mostly ask questions to help them understand. My child knows boys and girls can like or do anything either one wants in life, and that's the main thing for us. She knows she's a girl but that doesn't limit her in any way.

We've had this conversation in my house on occasion and I've found it is most effective and sensible to just stick to the facts in an age appropriate way. I make sure the DCs know you can't change sex and that (for example) a boy saying he is a girl doesn't mean he is, but that some people are happier if they live and look something like they are members of the opposite sex. As the DCs have got older, it's been an easier conversation to navigate and they both understand the truth.

A trans person is a person who feels discomfort with their birth sex and would prefer to be treated as if they were the opposite sex.

I have done it in very basic terms on both gay and trans conversations/questions.

everyone is different, gay means girls like girls and boys like boys, sometimes people like both boys and girls.

trans means that sometimes a person feels they were born in the wrong body, a boy may feel like he really should be a girl and vice versa.

I’ve told them there are people out there who don’t like this and don’t think being gay or trans is right, but as far as I’m concerned everyone should be free to feel the way they feel and be who they want.

Same

I think this, but with the added point that in school single sex areas should be remaining single sex, and to tell me if that is not the case.

It helped me that my cousin is a female to male trans. I told my DC that he didn’t feel right in his female body, and thought he should have been born a male, so the doctors helped him to put his body right. They completely accept it. They didn’t really have too many questions actually, which surprised me.

Talking to my own DD I also framed the issues around sex/gender as a normal part of puberty and growing up. We're all just trying to work out who we are and where we fit in. Not everyone feels comfortable with their bodies, sometimes this changes over time and for some people it doesn't. Non conforming is not a new phenomena. The conversation we're having socially is different to that when I was growing up though and there are very polarised views.

Just to comment on PPs most people in the UK do not think people should not be gay. Being trans is not the same as being gay. Some people have a view on being trans because it may involve having to change your body , which may otherwise be working very well. Some people think we should change societies view of sex roles and not bodies and not have to involve doctors or medical treatment. I would be careful about conveying the impression that trans and gay they are the same thing. They are not.

Just to comment on PPs most people in the UK do not think people should not be gay
You can't possibly think that there isn't a lot of homophobia in the UK.
Of course there is.

I would be careful about conveying the impression that trans and gay they are the same thing. They are not.
Nobody's said they are the same thing though?

Yes, but a number of polls have shown that generally people are pretty live and let live. They just also prefer single sex spaces in some instances.

Actually for the first time ever homophobia is on the rise.

You can't possibly think that there isn't a lot of homophobia in the UK.
Of course there is.

Of course there is but it's nowhere near as bad as when I was a teenager and young adult in the 80s and 90s and, unlike in America, there is a clear majority (~75 %) who support gay marriage in this country and only a minority (~ 14 %) who oppose it.

Yes, but a number of polls have shown that generally people are pretty live and let live

Actually for the first time ever homophobia is on the rise

Those two comments are pretty contradictory, it can't be both

I went with a persons sex is the physical characteristics that they are born with and gender is a way that someone feels about themselves.
For most people, these go together, so male people typically feel like a man, and female people typically feel like a woman. But it doesn't always work that way.

For some people its the opposite, they were born into a male body but their mind feels like a woman. They might feel sad or uncomfortable when people think they should be a man in their head because thats what their body looks like.
So they might need help to make their body match the way they feel inside.
This can make them feel happy and more comfortable because their body matches how they feel inside.

They understood fine

Personally I don’t try to be impartial, I try to be factual.
I told my 7 year old that some people think that if they are a boy and they really like certain things like dolls or pink or singing or ballet, they should really be a girl or if they are a girl and they really like hoodies and football they should be a boy. Sometimes they even get operations to try to be more like the opposite sex.

But it’s wrong because boys and girls can like whatever they want and dress whatever they want. It isn’t what makes us a boy or a girl. What makes us a boy or girl is what body we are born with.

Lots of people including adults are very confused about it so you’ll probably hear people say all kinds of things. If you’re confused it’s best not to comment on them at the time because we don’t want to upset people, but tell me or daddy and we can talk about it.

That sounds a perfect way to explain it, Dancing

they were born into a male body but their mind feels like a woman

What do you mean by this @SpaceJamtart? How do women feel?

I find it very worrying that some posters are implying to their children that you can actually change your body to the opposite sex. Their body can never match the way they believe they should be, it can only superficially look like it.

@waterlego
Going off of talks with friends who are trans, I feel like a woman, because that has never felt wrong to me, I've never felt uncomfortable with the knowledge that that is what I am. It is not so much a feeling, as an absense of other feelings.
I grew up knowing I was a girl and thats never been something I have had any cause to question.

And that is not what it feels like to be trans. It's a difficult thing, to understand a feeling that you have never felt. Its like when someone who is colourblind is explaining what the world looks like, or telling a person who is red green colourblind with dominant green, what purple looks like, its not something that is easy to imagine because its not something you have ever felt.

Aside from the dysphoria, which can be massive its been described to me as just this complete inherent feeling that their gender is not the same as their sex.

So like I feel like a woman because that is what my sex is and for me, that is comfortable and fits.

Kids are very impressionable, I'm definitely doing the same as you @Dancingwithhyenas. My DH and I have different opinions unfortunately , but I'm putting my foot down when we get to that point. Just because you like playing with your sister's Cinderella doll doesn't mean you're really a girl.

That's brilliant, @Dancingwithhyenas

We've explained to DD many times as it's come up that both boys and girls can do anything, have either a boyfriend or girlfriend, and can dress and have their hair however they like. We've also talked about how people used to restrict what women could do, and prevented gay relationships. Kids TV and films actually bring this up nicely quite often (I love Kipo and the age of wonderbeasts!)

But we haven't had a reason to explain trans yet. I really want to raise it soon, before someone gets to her with the idea that you can actually change sex. I don't think she'd fall for it, but it would confuse her if it was a teacher or authority figure. I want to have given her context before that happens. But I've worried about how to explain TRAs, and the current cultural conflict, and cancel culture.

I'll use exactly what @Dancingwithhyenas has said - I think that's perfect.

That’s pretty much what I said to my son but then I thought I’d maybe not tried hard enough to explain the other side. However, having read the responses here I think it’s so important to counter some of attitudes he’ll be exposed to as he gets older online, at school etc. As oke says kids are very impressionable and a factual approach is the way to go.

Thanks for explaining @SpaceJamtart.

Gender dysphoria does make sense. I don’t personally have it, but I can understand that it’s a mental state in which a person intensely dislikes or feels uncomfortable with their body.

The other stuff makes less sense though. Like this for example:

this complete inherent feeling that their gender is not the same as their sex.

How can a gender be the same as a sex? There are an awful lot of genders. How can we know which genders match with which sex?