How do you tell children what trans means?

[VeeringTowardsMuff1ns]

My son is nearly 10 and the other day was flicking through Netflix and came across a cartoon with a trans character as the lead and so asked me what trans meant. I answered his question but I don’t think it was particularly balanced as it was based on my own GC point of view. Any advice on how I can tackle this question fairly and objectively?

This is the show in question. He’s not watched it yet and I don’t know if he will but if it’s a good show he might (he wasn’t sure from the trailer, which he just found confusing).

www.digitalspy.com/tv/ustv/a40300139/dead-end-netflix-musical-queer-lgbtq/

My son was also left quite confused as I said that Barney was born a girl and now identifies as a boy and my son thought it was the other way round - “I thought it was a boy pretending to be a girl” to quote him directly - and I don’t think was convinced that I had it the right way round!

Obviously this is an issue that is going to come up more as he gets older and I want to be able to talk to him about it properly.

If I am one of those I would like to clarify, what I meant.
The definitions of sex and gender are different, factually and legally they are seperate things.

When I explain to my children that a person who is trans can have help to look the way they feel inside, I mean that they have a different gender to their sex.
When a person socially transitions, they are asking to have their gender recognised by the people around them. Whilst potentially altering their physical apperance to be in line with how they want to express that gender. That could might be so other people 'read' them as their gender, so they are called Sir or Miss in public because those terms align with their gender. It might just be so they feel comfortable in themselves.
As part of that you can have your gender legally recognised on document like a driving licence or a passport.
That feels like as much as my kid (and anyone really) needs to know about a stranger, i.e their name and whether they should call them Miss or Mr or whatever.

Seperately, medical transition is different thing, but is still about having the physical traits that they have, that may be asocciated with another gender, to become congruent with the with the way they wish to express their gender.
Honestly my kids are a bit young to have chats about sex chromosomes and the role of hormones in secondary sex characteristics as they wouldnt understand yet. But thats not that relevant to the way most people live their lives, I dont ask people on the street about their genetics or genitals and I hope my kids never do either.

They can understand that a person can change socially, legally and physically to a degree, and I think thats enough for them now.

Personally I don’t try to be impartial, I try to be factual.
I told my 7 year old that some people think that if they are a boy and they really like certain things like dolls or pink or singing or ballet, they should really be a girl or if they are a girl and they really like hoodies and football they should be a boy. Sometimes they even get operations to try to be more like the opposite sex.

But it’s wrong because boys and girls can like whatever they want and dress whatever they want. It isn’t what makes us a boy or a girl. What makes us a boy or girl is what body we are born with.

Lots of people including adults are very confused about it so you’ll probably hear people say all kinds of things. If you’re confused it’s best not to comment on them at the time because we don’t want to upset people, but tell me or daddy and we can talk about it.

Great answer!

@waterlego
I hope this makes sense, its hard to explain when its not my personal experience
When I said gender being the same as sex I mean that my sex is female and my gender is female.
Whilst there are multiple genders, the most common ones are male and female. That is what being cisgendered means, that your gender is the same as your sex, i.e you are physically born male and your gender is male, you feel like a man. Or you are physically born female and your gender is female, you feel like a woman.

When someone has a gender that is not the same as their sex, they may be trans in the way that they are physically born male but their gender is female. Or vice versa.
When someone has a gender that is not the same as their sex but is not exclusively male or female, thats when they are one of the other genders e.g non binary. I don't know much about that, as I haven't spoken much with anyone who is. But I know some people who are non binary refer to themselves as trans as well as they have that inherent feeling that their sex is not the same as their gender.

It should be called sex dysphoria because they have an issue with their sexed body which can have many, many causes.

There is no inner, innate gender essence. That's just religious belief.
There is no such thing as a 'woman' or 'man' gender. It's just sex role stereotypes
Children should be taught facts not political dogma. They certainly shouldn't be fed the rubbish that everyone has a 'gender identity'. They should also be told it is perfectly normal to feel uncomfortable in their changing body during puberty and that the majority of people grow out of any dysphoria. A tiny % will want to continue with drugs or surgery.

@SpaceJamtart, I do appreciate you trying to explain but it just doesn’t make sense to me as I am someone who has no sense of my own ‘gender’. And I am not the only one; there are an awful lot of us who don’t have a gender. For me, my gender doesn’t ’match’ my sex, because I don’t have a gender. I have a physical body which is sexed, and then I have a personality. I don’t believe in male/female brains. Nor do I believe in souls or unexplainable essences making us who we are. Thank you though for your efforts in explaining. I’m just wondering how those explanations might be interpreted or understood by a child.

I tell mine its utter nonsense . people can't change sex.

When I said gender being the same as sex I mean that my sex is female and my gender is femaleWhilst there are multiple genders, the most common ones are male and female.That is what being cisgendered means, that your gender is the same as your sex, i.e you are physically born male and your gender is male, you feel like a man. Or you are physically born female and your gender is female, you feel like a woman

Yes, that would be similar to the definition I’d give, but it’s still meaningless without explaining a bit more about what you mean by “gender” and what feeling like a man (or woman) involves? I’m female, I am a woman - how would I know whether my gender was female or not, and what does ‘feeling like a woman’ involve?

I said pretty much this. But I said some children have been told that if they liked certain toys or preferred particular games, that means they should be the opposite sex. But that isn't true.

I think it's important to make it clear to children that it's external influences that are making children feel like they're 'born in the wrong body'.

My kids are now teens and are very respectful to the multiple non binary and trans identifying kids they're at school with but they think it's all hokum.

I don't want to derail so I'll answer the main question first. How would I explain trans issues to a kid? Like it was a religion I didn't follow, I would treat it with the same respect as e.g. explaining 'what Buddhists believe' whilst making it clear that because I wasn't a Buddhist there was probably nuance I didn't understand and that probably not all Buddhists believe the exact same thing but here's a general overview of the gist of it.

I believe ... because... but I do respect other people's right to think things I do not and to think things through for themselves.

And on to deadend park (only watched episode 1) - Arrgh!

I thought it was sexist twaddle after episode 1. The plot summary of season 1 was not changed my opinion.

I too could not 'accurately sex' Barney as he is a cartoon character. But I thought this shot summed up (one of) my issue(s) perfectly - Barney's fist is huge, many many times than the girl. In real life boys fists are not this much bigger than girls (I believe they're both under 18) 6.8inch average handspan to 7.4 inch average handspan. Classic Disney style weirdness to have such a disparity.

There is no contradiction there. Homophobia has increased slightly, but for the most part, people are pretty live and let live - both statements are true.

I thought it was a boy pretending to be a girl

pretty much sums it up himself.

Just add a girl pretending to be a boy

It’s easy when you have trans relatives, friends, neighbours, colleagues.

Something I've never understood is why people don't talk about the XX and XY chromosomes- it's pretty simple you're born with xx or xy (in majority of births) you can't change your chromosomes only your body. You can take everything off and replace it how you like but you can't change the chromosomes. I'd go with biology to explain- born xx but they want to look and be spoken to as if they were xy. It makes them happier so all is fine.

I kept it simple and told mine 'some people wish they could change sex.' They just accepted it.

I think the religious analogy is the best one, especially as the vast majority of people don't feel like they have a gender. It's important for children to realise that they don't have to agree with different beliefs as long as they are polite and respectful.

We talked a lot about stereotypes with mine. So when a trans character came up in a book, DC didn't need much prompting to recognise the sexism of child saying they must be a girl because they loved pink. Which indeed most girls DD's age (10) have gone off anyway, pink princesses is really very preschool and infants.
We have talked about some people believe that you are a boy if you feel like you should be one, even if physically you are a girl. And that I think this is muddled thinking, and girls and boys don't have to feel any particular way or act any particular way, it's just a difference in our bodies.

I’ve taken a particularly direct approach because my son had a teacher in reception confuse him by saying that boys could grow up to be a woman. At that point he really didn’t understand and thought maybe he would spontaneously became a woman.

I told mine that some people believe they can change sex. But, emphatically, that they can’t. I also explained to my 9yo what my interpretation of non binary was (people who believe they are neither male nor female but rather something in between). She said “They’re not snails, mum.”

@Dancingwithhyenas has it spot on. That's the approach we've taken with our DC.

Op if you find a coherent definiton, please let us know.

I've never seen a satisfactory definition and certainly not one that doesn't rely on regressive sex-based.

As others have said, I would explain it in the same way as I would explain a religion: some people believe x and other people think that's utterly bonkers because it is

Gah! *stereotypes

I have done it in a couple if ways so far but never really talked about Trans per se.

When eldest mentioned sex education and how they split the class up by gender - I pointed out that sex determines the type of puberty you have.

When youngest asked if men can have babies I said no. Why lie?

My son asked me if I was trans 2 years ago when he was 10. I replied with 'what makes you think that?'. He said 'because your a mum but you sometimes wear makeup and sometimes dont, you wear jean's and ride a bike, your favourite colour is blue and you play football and do all the diy'. I said, 'that's because I'm capable and I can do what I like and enjoy what I like.' I replied that being trans is not about what you like, its about feeling very, very confused about what you think you should like. He seemed happy with that.

"How do you tell children what "trans" means?"

I would recommend you tell them that there is no such thing as "trans"; that it is something that some people have made up because they cannot deal with life as it really is.

Tell your child the truth: that every human is born as either female or male; that no-one is born "in between" those two sexes and no-one is born outside of those two sexes.