Really sad Reddit thread about daughter of trans "woman" making her a part of "her" "second adolescence"

[Musicalfish]

www.reddit.com/r/asktransgender/comments/uztbr4/how_do_i_tell_my_dad_who_is_a_trans_woman_that_i/
She's being told that she needs to set boundaries when it shouldn't be her place to have to set boundaries with her parent and she just needs to stay away from "her"

Oh that poor girl

Being forced to participate in what her dad wants when dad doesn’t give two shits if it’s what their daughter wants

Lots of pressure to call the parent 'mum', despite the teenager and both parents agreeing that they would continue to call them dad. Absolute and total lack of empathy for mum's experience, mum has baggage and needs therapy and is criticized from pillar to post to the child for daring to not be thrilled by the radical change and loss in her life and have feelings instead of being all about the TW's needs and experience. Some good advice, but 'set boundaries' with a parent?? And the absolute low point is the suggestion to mention that the parent is triggering the child's gender dysphoria rather than say that putting on makeup, wearing highly feminine clothes and talking about periods makes them uncomfortable.

Just saw this on Reddit. Absolutely horrific. And so many posters saying the mum sounds horrible, why isn’t she calling the dad mum, it’s so hard going through ‘second adolescence’ etc. I wonder if the mum knows all this is going on? Hope the girl tells her mum.

And people saying ‘oh well lots of parents are like this, setting boundaries is part of growing up.’ But I certainly know that setting boundaries asking her dad not to talk about her boobs and period won’t be part of my daughter’s ‘growing up’ experience.

I think that it is important to look at this from the point of view of the daughter and use the language that would make most sense to the victim in all of this.

The father came back into her life when he decided to live his life as a woman. That child is nothing but a prop in the fathers fantasy. I would be very concerned about the questions he is asking her about her body and would wonder why he is trying to dress her on frilly girlie's things that are not her style. I would not let him be alone with her.

That poor girl. I hope her mum knows what is going on. The dad is being grossly inappropriate, and as @Mandodari says, I would not be letting her be alone with him.

Shes more forgiving than I would be and my dds would be.

She deserves so much better than someone who is clearly just using her. She needs to stop worrying about her dad's feelings as the dad sure as he'll isn't worried about hers.

I hope she tells her dad to piss off.

There is no way any of that was written by a 14-year-old. I acknowledge completely what the author is trying to achieve, but not the way they’re going about it.

Don’t see why not, I could have written that when I was 14. Not all children are the same, and given the situation described, I think adults calling her a liar is inappropriate.

Anyway. Poor girl. She’s in the middle of learning what it means to be a woman and her dad has decided he knows best and wants to make her fit his stereotype of a woman. I guess he has to, psychologically. Because if he does some actual parenting and gets to know his daughter, he’ll discover that becoming a woman has sod all to do with make up and frilly clothes… Then he might have to face the fact that he is just a dude in a dress.

The UK 'Children of Transitioners' group submitted evidence to the government consultation a couple of years ago about the need for boundaries/ privacy when fathers transition

childrenoftransitioners.org/2021/02/27/gra-inquiry-submission/

and some have child protection by social services (as would the children of any parents where there are safeguarding concerns). Not sure if it's the same in the US, but assume so?

Thank you for sharing that link, Watermonster

I was very saddened to see it was published in 2020, and despite the obvious significant needs of those children nothing noticeable has happened from government in response. We're still blundering around in 'single sex spaces but (muttered) be whatever sex you want'

Unacceptable behaviour by a man, becomes acceptable behaviour by a trans woman and everyone else becomes unreasonable for seeing through it all.

Why not?

*that’s why don’t you think the writer is 14

I don't know the rules for PMing people on Reddit but I'd be tempted to send her this

childrenoftransitioners.org

To be fair, some women do this exact same thing with their daughters (minus the period talk!).

That may be but it a girl moans to her friends about her mum doing this, they sympathise.

If she did this about her transgender dad, they call her a bigot and a transphobe.

Not quite sure why you think it is a really sad discussion. The girl has received a lot of good advice and everyone, so far as I can see, has been very respectful of the father's chosen pronouns. Hopefully the girl will be able to use the advice to establish a better relationship with her father.

It's very sad because it really is not the job of a fourteen year old child to establish a better relationship with a parent. They should not have to be burdened with that responsibility, they should not have to seek advice and learn at fourteen how to parent and manage those who should be caring for and prioritising them. This child is a carer. Under pressure to put the needs of her parent first and to meet them, while the one parent who she has retained trust in and who has put her first and is continuing to care for her, and whom the poor child voices that what she would really like is to just spend all her time with that one parent and end this difficult contact with the other, is criticised to her and her faith in that parent devalued.

All sorts of needs getting met here. None of them the child's. That is beyond sad to me.

Not quite sure why you think it is a really sad discussion. The girl has received a lot of good advice and everyone, so far as I can see, has been very respectful of the father's chosen pronouns. Hopefully the girl will be able to use the advice to establish a better relationship with her father.

It’s not a teenager’s job to take part in her dad’s fantasies. Get a grip.

This story is not unique. I have seen several slightly similar stories online, though of course nothing online can be verified or falsified.

One story I remember was about a transitioning male who wanted her/their niece to go for a shared bra shopping and makeup shopping trip, with awkward questions about the teen girl's body and a request to be in the same cubicle while trying things on. The niece felt uncomfortable with it and some other things of a similar nature.

These are not things that young female relatives should be asked to participate in, just as it would not be appropriate for a transitioning adult female to ask his/their nephew to go on an underwear shopping trip with similar features otherwise.

If any mother is asking their young teen daughter to describe how it feels to get boobs/what a period feels like then of course that’s equally inappropriate. I’ve never heard of a woman asking her daughter to describe having boobs though? Most of us have a fair idea.

Also, let’s not pretend to be so stupid we don’t know there’s a big difference between being asked a certain question by your mother and your father. It’s the difference between ‘I can help because I know’ and ‘you need to help me, I want to know.’ The difference between supportive and intrusive is intent.

Why does it have to be the child that has to do this? They are 14. She should not have to be seeking advice from strangers on the internet to have to cope with her father's choices like this.

That you cannot see this is a concern.

This is awful. This person is expecting to use their daughter’s navigation of her teenage development as a way to valid themselves and their idea of their own identity.
They have absolutely zero concern for the well-being of their child; only their own feelings.
Even suggesting being referred to as “mom” just shows how they’re happy to completely erase their child’s memories, experience and reality because their own ego is more important.

I taught in secondary school for 8 years.
There is absolutely nothing I see which indicated this could not have been written by a 14 year old.
Which parts in particular stand out to you as being fraudulent?