Best response when a man follows you

[penpalgal]

Hi everyone,
I'm a regular lurker and semi-regular poster who names changes frequently for privacy. I was recently in a foreign town alone and after doing a bit of sightseeing I sat down in the park with my map. It was daytime, the park was busy, full of life and there was a good atmosphere (for background). I felt like I was being watched and found a man on the bench adjacent to be staring at me with glazed eyes as though he had been drinking, though not necessarily drunk. He was in conversation with another man. I smiled back in a friendly but dismissive way, then decided I felt uncomfortable and it was time to go. I had been walking for at least five minutes, to the opposite end of the park and was at the traffic lights when I saw the man standing next to me. I stared at him to see where he would go next and waited for him to walk ahead of me to show I was onto him. He pretended to turn right as I went straight on, but then changed direction and started following me again. I went up to the museum doorway and stood there reading the information on the door so he would have to go in front of me again. He did so, but then stopped and pretended to speak on his phone a few metres ahead of me. I was really pissed off that as a single female traveller I can't even sightsee in Western Europe without this kind of shit happening, and as I was on a busy road and not down some dark alley I decided to confront him. I asked him in a loud voice if he was following me, and said to get the fck out of here before I called the police. He denied it and then started telling me to fck off and that I didn't belong in that country(which was strange as the man had an Indian accent and so not from that country himself). The man did clear off, but I was shaken up by it. I have previously been violently sexually assaulted in similar circumstances. When that happened, it was also in the middle of the day, but I didn't challenge the man, I just ignored him. I ignored him because I felt safe in my surroundings due to the time of day and the fact that street harassment happens all the time but it's usually a nuisance rather than turning into sexual violence - I thought I could handle it. Anyway, I'm a bit shaken up and I suppose it's brought back bad memories, but what I wanted to ask is what is the best response for when this happens? I thought it was best after what happened to me before to confront the man and embarrass him for his behaviour, as well as how him I was going to take action if he didn't clear off, but I realise this approach could also backfire. Is there any best way to deal with this kind of thing as advised by people who study abusive men and their behaviour? Sorry if this is long.

I think you did well. You were assertive and taught him that you were not going to be an easy mark.

I'd be interested to hear how others deal with this too. Over the years I've done my share of changing routes, diving into shops, stopping to read signs, check my phone, etc, when I've suspected someone was following me, or when someone has taken to walking beside me and staring at me. Nothing quite as bad as you've experienced: I've only once had to announce to random passers-by that someone was following me (and that did put him off).

I saw this on the BBC about staring: www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-61263393, but again no suggestions on how to actually deal with it when it's happening to you.

Thank-you, I wanted to show I wasn't afraid and would call for help. If I was in a more secluded spot though I'm not sure what I'd do for the best, as I'd be in a more vulnerable position.

I've done something similar to what OP did. First I made sure to run towards the busier part of the street where I could see more people and then I said that I'd call the police if they didn't leave me alone (two drunks who suddenly appeared from a bar had started following me as I was walking by, pushing me a couple of times and calling me names).

An elderly gentleman also came to stand by me. (I still remember that with gratitude).

And yes, if the spot is more secluded this is trickier. I recommend learning more about the best responses and some basic self-defence moves. I did, after that experience.

A couple of years ago, I was walking my dogs in a field in broad daylight. This guy started to walk beside me and tried to start a conversation. I got a bad vibe so politely said I had come out to clear my head so would he mind not walking with me. I could not repeat the stream of abuse directed at me, it was so frightening. One of the dogs started to bark at him, he tried to kick her, then I found my courage and he learned the true meaning of verbal abuse. I turned heal with the dogs, got back to the car and was shaking in fright. Bad language, sheer temper, the threat to rip the boll*x of him and two snarling Jack Russells worked for me but for weeks afterwards I kept thinking how bad it could have all gone. I think we are dammed no matter what we do.

You kept your cool OP. Considering what happened in the past, I just wanted to say that. I have no advice though. You did what I probably would have done.

Well when I did self defence classes at school many many years ago, we were told to say loudly “oh my god I think I know your mum, it’s been so long how is she?” Apparently it totally horrifies any weirdo and they go away…?

realistically though I think you have to judge it on each situation and where you are and who is around you. I think I would probably find a busy place and potentially tell a member of staff in a shop that I’m being followed and can they call the police if he’s still around?

I also think you handled it really well. You challenged him in a public, populated place. Of course he’s going to deny it and get angry and tell you to fuck off or call you a crazy bitch…you’ve got to expect that and not see it as you making a mistake. You made him stop following you, so you won and you protected yourself. You did right too by not shouting abuse back…no sense inciting violence. Can’t think of any better way to be honest.

Man. I didn’t realise the levels of spycraft ladies had to deploy on the day-to-day.

Sorry but that’s the word the descriptions I’ve read of the methods you’ve learned to lose tails puts me in mind of.

Incredibly disturbing and eye opening in equal measure. You have my respect and I’ll be more mindful in the future if even my good natured attempts to offer a joke/greeting could cause intimidation.

Thank you for sharing OP.

You can walk into a bar and ask for 'Angela' which iscode to alert staff that you are in an unsafe situation and they have trained staff to deal with it/call the police. Most chain bars are part of this

No use abroad though re the OPs specific circumstances, so I guess general stratagems would be helpful to supplement this.

Loud voice training really helps and although it feels embarrassing at first, better to be embarrassed and safe than kind and followed. Others may stand by you if they are made aware. Well done OP

Agree on loud voice and also on learning how to take up space rather than shrink back into yourself as we've all been socialized to. (One more thing patriarchy chicken is useful in training for!)

Thanks for all the responses and commiserations for everyone else who's had to deal with this. Yes, he denied it but was definitely following me, he even went back in the direction we'd come from after I shouted at him so he wasn't even subtle about it. I wish there was a sure fire response, but I guess you can only judge it on a case by case basis and follow your gut. The article posted above about staring was interesting. I can totally imagine some blokes responding by saying "you can't even look at a woman nowadays", but men know full well that staring is used for intimidation - if a man was staring at another man in the same uninterrupted way it would be indicating that he's going to start a fight.

Tricky call, OP. I suspect I would be more inclined to ask other people for help. Sticking to populated/busy spots is good. I wonder even if just pretending to know someone else and going up and starting a loud, fake conversation might work? Preferably a woman?

I wore a wedding ring while travelling but it didn't really have much of an effect. And in the end learned to studiously avoid any type of eye contact/friendliness, because it almost inevitably led to similar situations as you describe.

"And in the end learned to studiously avoid any type of eye contact/friendliness, because it almost inevitably led to similar situations as you describe."
Yes, unfortunately I've had this at the gym. I simply smiled and said goodbye to a bunch of guys hanging around at the desk as I left, one of them followed me for a few minutes then when I saw him there asked me for my number and if I wanted a massage(!?) As I live near the gym he followed me to my front door, which was disconcerting. It's a shame I feel I can't be friendly now with fellow male gym goers, but that's the way it is, eyes down, no conversation or else get followed. Pathetic really.

I mean, you can't win. If you don't smile to the required degree you'll get ribbed/aggressive approaches for it. We've all had the 'smile, darlin' lines a thousand times.

Bottom line is some men are going to see women as an opportunity to bully, threaten, coerce or intimidate. Or worse.

Oh yes! The "smile or not to smile" dilemma. Familiar to many of us, I bet. I have been called a bitch for not smiling at the sexist taunts of a group of construction workers, I have had someone misinterpret a friendly smile and a greeting with a sexual invitation, resulting in unpleasantness etc. It's impossible.

Yes. We think that we can reason with people who are out looking to harm others. Sadly that's not always possible.

I know it's off topic but years ago, a friend of my mum, a lady in her late 60s was flashed by a guy who stopped her to ask directions. I asked her what she said and her response was ' I looked him in the face and said, ah son, would you put it away and stop embarrassing yourself'. She said he instantly ran off. Withering pity obviously works with some creeps.

It’s bloody impossible.
Smile. Don’t smile.
Run. Don’t run.
Confront. Don’t confront.

This worked for me, but in another scenario it might not.

We had to have our beloved dog put down two years ago. He was a big softy, but I’d always felt safe when out walking with him. Out of habit I still went for the two walks a day (this was during the lockdown) one of which was in the evening. It was summer so still light.

When I saw this bloke across the field it was instant bad vibes. I looked back after a few minutes and he had changed direction and was now following me. I felt cold when I realised how idiotic I’d been, my phone was dead and there was no one around. I was about twenty minutes from my house.

I came up with a stupid plan and I was fairly certain it wasn’t going to work. I got my (dead) phone out, pointed it at him and started walking quickly towards him while yelling to my ‘mum’ that this guy is following me and for her to take a screenshot of his face while I put him on Facebook live.

It worked, he turned on the spot and started walking very quickly away while saying something about me being a crazy bitch. I’m thankful nothing happened, but I HATE how it has left me feeling even a year plus later, and how I don’t go out in the evening unless I’m with a group of friends or DP.

Possible courses of action depend so much on you, him, and the situation. It sounds like you did perfectly, OP.

Other possible options: Head to and into the nearest public building and ask for help. Don't let pride prevent you from asking for e.g. an escourt to the taxi rank.

Stop, turn and stare.

Get on the phone (either pretend or real, to a friend or the police.

Take photos of them with your camera phone (even as somebody else has said if pretending).

Approach a stranger and ask for help.

When I got followed in the dark, my instinct has gone to both fight and flight. Once, I ran. Another two times I squared up to the potential threatening man and gave them a full of attitude "WHAT do YOU want??" and they backed down, but that's not always sensible.

I walk with confidence and I think that helps prevent a lot of potential hassle.

In terms of self-defence, forget carrying your keys in your fist or doing a few weeks of self-defence course. If you're interested in physical self-defence, learn a martial art - ideally with somebody who gets you to practice off the mat and in real life.

So sorry OP and others, I agree that ordinary friendliness is often assumed to be an invitation for sex.
Bit different, but a couple of decades ago I was going home from the local pub, wintertime so I was wrapped up, when I became aware I was being followed by a man. I walked on till under a railway bridge (tall on height and quite short in length so reasonably open) then said in a loud voice which was amplified by the acoustics provided by the bridge: 'I don't know you, I don't want to know you, leave me ALONE' and thankfully he scarpered. The area was close to a red light district which bizzarely reassured me: I just thought he was in the wrong place.
So I do think speaking loudly helps, also helps that when I get scared I get angry.

I spent some time working/volunteering in a South East Asian country as a student on my own. I had to walk to/from the hospital each day and it was still relatively unusual at that time for a European woman to be walking on her own in some parts of the city.
On one occasion a man did try to engage me in conversation, ignored repeated referrals to my (fictitious) husband and in the end I didn’t want him to know where I was staying so went into a shop and waited until he was gone and then carried on.
The advice from the guide books was that if as a lone woman a man did anything inappropriate in public you should shout at him loudly about it as this is what culturally women in that country did. I never had to but I think that I probably would do in future if needed.

OP I think you were amazing, especially given your previous experiences