Best response when a man follows you

[penpalgal]

Hi everyone,
I'm a regular lurker and semi-regular poster who names changes frequently for privacy. I was recently in a foreign town alone and after doing a bit of sightseeing I sat down in the park with my map. It was daytime, the park was busy, full of life and there was a good atmosphere (for background). I felt like I was being watched and found a man on the bench adjacent to be staring at me with glazed eyes as though he had been drinking, though not necessarily drunk. He was in conversation with another man. I smiled back in a friendly but dismissive way, then decided I felt uncomfortable and it was time to go. I had been walking for at least five minutes, to the opposite end of the park and was at the traffic lights when I saw the man standing next to me. I stared at him to see where he would go next and waited for him to walk ahead of me to show I was onto him. He pretended to turn right as I went straight on, but then changed direction and started following me again. I went up to the museum doorway and stood there reading the information on the door so he would have to go in front of me again. He did so, but then stopped and pretended to speak on his phone a few metres ahead of me. I was really pissed off that as a single female traveller I can't even sightsee in Western Europe without this kind of shit happening, and as I was on a busy road and not down some dark alley I decided to confront him. I asked him in a loud voice if he was following me, and said to get the fck out of here before I called the police. He denied it and then started telling me to fck off and that I didn't belong in that country(which was strange as the man had an Indian accent and so not from that country himself). The man did clear off, but I was shaken up by it. I have previously been violently sexually assaulted in similar circumstances. When that happened, it was also in the middle of the day, but I didn't challenge the man, I just ignored him. I ignored him because I felt safe in my surroundings due to the time of day and the fact that street harassment happens all the time but it's usually a nuisance rather than turning into sexual violence - I thought I could handle it. Anyway, I'm a bit shaken up and I suppose it's brought back bad memories, but what I wanted to ask is what is the best response for when this happens? I thought it was best after what happened to me before to confront the man and embarrass him for his behaviour, as well as how him I was going to take action if he didn't clear off, but I realise this approach could also backfire. Is there any best way to deal with this kind of thing as advised by people who study abusive men and their behaviour? Sorry if this is long.

It's also a great way to keep fit and get rid of stress. But yes, I agree that rehearsing the moves many times is very important so that they become the instinctual response.

Similar to this, a friend of mine is a medic & has seen everything. when a guy flashed at her, she made a disgusted face and said 'Eeww, you should see a doctor about that' and he ran off.

OP you did very well. I don’t think there is a perfect response, and I’m no expert anyway, but I suspect the best thing to do is to behave in a way that contradicts the fantasy he has going in his head. So if he’s feeling like a big powerful predator hunting a sexy frightened victim or whatever, then the best way to puncture through that fantasy is to shout at him aggressively and tell him to fuck off etc, and probably the worst thing to do would be to lower head and sidle away looking scared. But 🤷‍♀️ at the end of the day if one’s alone with a psycho there’s probably no good option except run.

Sorry this happened to you and to so many other women. When it was me I was lucky to be able to get to a crowded area.

Ps another option if available is knock on a nearby door and ask for help. My friend’s teenage daughter did that when a creep was following her. She happened to knock on a door where an old lady lived with her very tough ex-con son who was only too delighted to have a pervert to chase off.

It is always best to a) not get into a bad situation to begin with and b) to get out of it if at all possible. I strongly support that, and this means being aware of the possible risks and planning things accordingly beforehand.

If neither of these options is feasible, and if screaming for help etc. are not working, either, it may be necessary to try to fight the attacker. Or not, as much depends on the situation, the characteristics of the attacker (what he wants, how likely it is that the victim ends up dead or not) and the person that is attacked.

I agree that nobody knows quite how they would react in situation like that, and I had in mind something more like years of training in martial arts or at least lots of repetitions of the moves the person has been taught (with willing partners, ideally, suitably padded).

I know two women who successfully used their training in martial arts, but every situation is different and sometimes not fighting and enduring, say, sexual assault, is the preferable choice to something worse happening. I would never judge anyone for what they end up doing in such a situation.

We are all going to end up wearing cameras recording people all the time aren’t we. We will never feel safe. Every time I walk home from the station at night (and it’s well lit and close) my heart is racing, I’m looking over my shoulder and trying to walk on the road not the pavement, getting the front door key in my hand ready to burst through the door and slam and lock it behind me. It’s always going to feel unsafe.

Only once have I ever been followed. So I'm Welsh and I have sort of that Gavin and Stacey accent, as I'm from South Wales and a fluent Welsh speaker.

I was in a English city on a work conference, I was walking back to my car in the evening and I just knew someone was following me, I tried crossing the road, changing direction but he still kept following. I didn't want to get in to the NCP dark, cramped stairwells and find him still following me. So once I had turned in to a quieter side street and he was still following me I just turned and faced him and yelled "ow! You! Follow me any more and I'm going to knock you the fuck out mate" (just say that in your mind like Nessa from Gavin and Stacey)

He ran away 😳🤣 the man on the other pavement yelled "you alright love?" And I just said yes all is fine now but thank you.

I've no idea where it came from, but I thought to myself "fuck this, I'm not running scared any more"

OP, sorry that this happened to you.
I would never, ever smile at a strange man, ever. They take that as encouragement and a come on. This isn't a criticism but observation.

I avoid eye contact with strange men. Walk purposefully.

I suspect the best thing to do is to behave in a way that contradicts the fantasy he has going in his head. So if he’s feeling like a big powerful predator hunting a sexy frightened victim or whatever, then the best way to puncture through that fantasy is to shout at him aggressively and tell him to fuck off etc

Yes, it's exactly this that made me angry enough to act. It's not only a violation in being followed, but that he's projecting some sad little fantasy onto me. I felt that very much from the way he was staring at me in the park - blonde woman in a summer dress, tourist, alone in the park, not sure where she's going, easy prey - his stare and smile was full of this fantasy, creepy AF. Nah mate, you can f*ck right off! When I was assaulted before I was so angry that this fantasy of a quivering female victim was what he was getting off on that I chased after him and tried to punch him. Unless you are a trained boxer - and I'm not - I don't recommend it!

I have to say I'm not keen on the 'walk purposefully' comments here, though. I was doing exactly that when I was sexually assaulted. If a man's a psycho, he doesn't care how purposefully you walk. Yes, it's good advice not to shrink away in fear and to show you're not scared, but don't assume women who have been attacked are shrinking violets afraid of their own shadow, sadly it really can happen to anyone. Perhaps this is part of wanting to feel safe and saying 'that would never happen to me because', but unfortunately it can.

I honestly think that one of the most effective things I could do to protect myself from this shit is to dye my hair so that it's not blonde, as I'm sure this is what attracts a certain type of creep and pervert. Especially when travelling to places where it's not common, it's like a beacon on your head for all the weirdos. I'm not prepared to alter myself though, fuck them.

This happened to me in Bergen of all places. Although I never once smiled at him. In the end I went inside a v. posh hotel and sat in the lobby (until I was thrown out by security despite me saying why I was there )

I'm sorry for what you have been through OP. It sounds absolutely awful. To have the courage to travel independently after that is brilliant and I think you did well here too. I probably would have gone into the museum and challenged him stood next to security as would have been scared he might lash out at being called out for his behaviour.

In the end I went inside a v. posh hotel and sat in the lobby (until I was thrown out by security despite me saying why I was there )
😮

Notaneffingcockerspaniel - that's not necessarily accurate. I don't know how many men who attack women are trained in martial arts in any way, but I'm guessing it's not that high - so if the unskilled but stronger man attacked a weaker but skilled woman, my money would be on the woman all the way. The whole point of many martial arts is to use the attacker's strength and weight against them. Aikido is a good example of that - you're literally turning the attack into the defence. One of my teachers is tiny, frail-looking with muscle wastage, elderly and has Parkinsons. I am tall, solid and strong, and they could absolutely kick my ass as both attacker and defendee all day every day because they have far better skill than me.

Nepta - My favourite martial arts video that I have ever watched was entitled something like "the best possible defence" and showed two martial artists squaring up to fight, and then the one guy turns and runs away quickly! 😆Yes, absolutely avoiding needing to defend oneself by either not getting into a bad situation, or being able to diffuse, or exit it is always always the preferable option, even to badass fighters.

Penpalgirl - I'm sorry the walk away confidently comments have landed badly with you. Every predator is different and as you've experienced, it's not going to be enough of a deterrent to every arsehole. I do still think there is merit in not making ourselves look like an easy target, as a first line of defence.

As Nepta says, each individual situation is so unique, that whether it's best to fight or passively allow an assault which you can't escape depends on so many variables. It's all proper shit and depressing that we even have to consider all this isn't it. What would best prevent women being followed is if men would stop bloody following women.

I once read some interesting advice - I think it was from one of the TV hypnotists (possibly Derren Brown). He was talking about when you are facing imminent physical violence from a stranger (as a man or woman) and the advice was to act crazy - basically babble about anything and act totally unhinged. I'd always thought it might be worth a go.

Sounds like a good plan!

Truthlikeness that's what I did when followed once. It was many years ago in Birmingham and this creepy man was following me round the city centre in broad daylight so I started talking weird nonsense to him. Not sure why I did it but luckily for me he walked off.

Yes sorry but totally agree with this. Lived abroad for donkeys' years. No eye contact and definitely no smiling at strangers.

I asked him in a loud voice if he was following me, and said to get the fck out of here before I called the police.

You are brilliant @penpalgal That was a really good thing to do. Hopefully, that sexually harassing twerp will think twice before trying it on someone else!

The knocking on a strangers door scenario doesn't always work.

A friend of mine was being abused by her partner. He kicked her out of the car one day, gave lots of abuse and tried to hurt her, she knocked an a door of what turned out to be an old couple. They seemed nice, let her into use the phone to call for a taxi but then the boyfriend turned back up. Told the old couple she was drunk and a nightmare and they supported him and told her she should just go home with him and be nicer to him in future do he doesn't do it again.

I think we need some sort of public campaign which focuses on people being supportive and helpful to women in vulnerable situations so we don't have to feel like a nuisance for asking for support.

Male violence is society's problem and society should take the responsibility for sorting it out