How do you cope with being a closeted gender critical feminist...

[bananatwain]

...in a really fucking woke workplace? Everyone attending mermaids training, putting their pronouns at the end of their emails, mostly in support of the likes of Lia Thomas etc. I feel so silenced and if I speak out I will be vilified, won't be promoted etc. I work from home so doesn't bother me day to day but deep down I have a huge issue with it. I worked so hard to get my job and can't leave as I'm a lone parent and won't find anywhere else that it so supportive and flexible, so need advice on how to cope day to day. I feel like such a coward.

I’m the same although I don’t think my workplace is as woke. Most people have the pronouns in their email and profile, I have managed to avoid it and will as long as I can! I notice a few other people also don’t have them but most do. I dare not speak out, the job I have is something I really believe in and I want to keep it. I justify it by thinking some issues are bigger than trans and I won’t let this trend towards everything being about identity ruin it!

I know as my children get older that I might have to speak out which does scare me but I will do it to protect them.

I live in quite a poor rough area , this is something I used to really resent and was desperate to leave. Now however I am happy to put up with it. The trans trend does seem to be a very middle class thing amongst teens. I don’t know of any friends or my kids friends who are trans. People are too busy keeping jobs, getting food on the table and helping their children do well so they can do better in life! I also live around a lot of minority religious groups who tend to have more old fashion values. I am grateful for it.

I am not in a closet whats the point in that?

I would write to your MP and employment about how you feel the current climate breaches your human rights and those under the EAL 2010 and causes you mental distress and fear, making you feel oppressed by this cultural imperialism that deems to redefine your identity and social statues and silence your opposition to having your identity redefined against your will.

www.equalityhumanrights.com/en/human-rights-act/article-14-protection-discrimination

I sympathise. I was in one face-to-face conversation about this stuff with an acquaintance and the whole thing felt quite threatening. I didn't want to start an argument but the person speaking kept looking at me like the expected agreement. I won't see them again.

I have lost a regular client over this. A huge blow to my income. But I felt it was important to stand up for the rights of women.

You never know. Perhaps I will get more gender critical clients in the future.

I’m the same to a point, I work in the third sector and the only people I’ve heard speaking about it are on board with self ID. But nobody there knows my views so I know I cannot possibly be the only one holding my tongue, especially when it comes to single sex exemptions for vulnerable people. I like to think of it came to it I would speak up but I don’t know, it would depend on the context.

Sorry not holding my tongue when it comes to exemptions,I mean I can’t be the only one with my views on them

[quote VelvetChairGirl]I am not in a closet whats the point in that?

I would write to your MP and employment about how you feel the current climate breaches your human rights and those under the EAL 2010 and causes you mental distress and fear, making you feel oppressed by this cultural imperialism that deems to redefine your identity and social statues and silence your opposition to having your identity redefined against your will.

www.equalityhumanrights.com/en/human-rights-act/article-14-protection-discrimination[/quote]
Exactly this.

I work in the public sector. It's so frustrating. I'm far too scared to say anything.

For those who are constrained by their job from speaking out I would suggest lobbying MPs. It won't affect work and it is a very effective way of raising the profile of this issue with those that can actually change things.

You can ask questions can't you? If others bring it up in conversation, you can still ask questions about the position they have brought to the table.

That's how I handle people expressing views I disagree with but don't want to stay silent on. I don't disagree I just ask questions. That way the gaps in their positions naturally start to open up.

@Ionlydomassiveones

I find it really hard as I get a little miserable heart jump every time I receive an email with pronouns (frustratingly always from women). I can no longer respect or trust those colleagues either - I feel they’re brainwashed and undiscerning. They jump on bandwagons to appease others and have no integrity. I just feel like it’s an enemy state that hates women and yet people are falling over themselves to subscribe to it.

The only way I can cope is to financially support the legal cases that fight it, write to my MP and be amongst the righteous angry women on the MN boards. (And latterly the Daily Mail comments - I’m unapologetic about that because as a paper they’re highlighting the issue and it shows it’s not ‘just feminists’.)

all women are feminists is just a lot of them dont know it yet.

and I dont think its surprising thats its mostly the young buying this rubbish, we dont live in a outwardly sexist society, its a creeping thing backed by unfair regulations, mechanisms and designs, that you notice when you are faced with the changes that facilitate the the separation of rights.

to the young theres not much difference on the surface between a single young working male and a single young working female, its only when you start being in a couple, having kids, thinking about a pension that the differences suddenly start to arise and then you start to look back and realize all the other stuff you didnt think about before it was laid bare infront of you, such as public safety, health conditions ignored etc.

I’m public sector and it’s the same. I honestly feel so many feel like us! I’ve got a secret GC instagram account as I can’t put my views on my own and I’ve got so many followers… people commenting and liking. Most are just normal women who probably have to keep their feelings hidden. Lots of people especially women are now starting to question all of this utter nonsense. Now and again I’ll mention something in work and I can see them thinking.
It’s ridiculous though. Women are fighting back

I've been thinking about this a lot lately. I'm starting uni in September, and whilst I'm super excited about the education side of things, I'm really very nervous about navigating the social side as a closeted TERF.

I wish I could be brave enough to be open and upfront about my views, but I don't want to risk being ostracised. I've had a hard time and I don't want my uni experience to be a difficult one.

Sorry I can't offer any practical advice. Just wanted to express my solidarity and understanding. It can feel so isolating and it really sucks.

I'm not in the closet and I've found the more honest i am about my views the more others have the confidence to say they share them.

You don't have to do anything OP. Just don't join in. Don't add pronouns and don't join in with all the performative fawning.

@Ionlydomassiveones My work place us about 70% pronoun people, and half if those are heterosexual men. They know damn well what a woman us when it suits them.

I am public sector too and know the ‘heart jump’ feeling every time something harmful to women and girls comes up. Buuuut I am quitting and soon I will be freee! I’ve been twittering away like mad and plan to become more active. I still feel scared of censure but at least not of being disciplined.

I get the heart jump too.

I was once called cis at work and really struggled not to wince.

I can hardly bear the diversity training because it is so uni-focussed and often inaccurate. That's the only thing I've ever been brave enough to bring up - inaccurate statistics and even then I was faux concerned rather than saying what I actually think and feel. But it did highlight the inaccuracy and inconsistencies.

I have had lots of convos with DH about whether I risk saying what I think in a more public way. He's concerned about risking violence and aggression, and of course not wanting to lose income. I think we both know that I'm likely to snap at some point and he will support and back me up. With the current debate around female sports the moment may be sooner rather than later.

OP thanks for starting this thread because it's a bloody good question affecting many of us.

I think for starters, regardless of whether you plan to do anything or not, start a log, take screenshots and log all harmful conversations and demands. by capturing it, at some point it might be useful.

@CarbonelCat

I get the heart jump too.

I was once called cis at work and really struggled not to wince.

I can hardly bear the diversity training because it is so uni-focussed and often inaccurate. That's the only thing I've ever been brave enough to bring up - inaccurate statistics and even then I was faux concerned rather than saying what I actually think and feel. But it did highlight the inaccuracy and inconsistencies.

I have had lots of convos with DH about whether I risk saying what I think in a more public way. He's concerned about risking violence and aggression, and of course not wanting to lose income. I think we both know that I'm likely to snap at some point and he will support and back me up. With the current debate around female sports the moment may be sooner rather than later.

you should have called it out dont allow yourself to be cis'ed

a simple I am not cis dont call me cis should surface, if they push you state you do not identify as cis as you do not believe in gender you are a woman that is all.

dont get drawn in just state your boundaries if being called something offends you call it out, and if they continue call out their hypocrisy and tell them to be kind and not label others against their will, it is offensive.

OP (and others) I think by not putting pronouns on your email signature you are saying something, I think it helps others who also don't want to do this feel they are not alone. Where I work (big NHS organision) I think only about 20% at most have pronouns on their emails, though it could vary between departments.

@velvetchairgirl - I really wish I had. It happened really fast, caught me by surprise and I felt sad and hurt and almost tearful all at once, plus worried as it showed they believe it all and I hadn't realised that before. I still kick myself and think about bringing it up again to point out how it made me feel.

There's no shame in not knowing how to respond to insane things. writing down how it made you feel might help if you discuss it in future.

I think pronouns are useful, I often can't tell how someone would identify from just their name. Your colleagues probably already know you don't have the same views as them since you're not participating in publicising your own pronouns etc.. I don't think your employer would do anything if you complained because what you are describing is quite normal in 2022.