Should I tell a potential employee I am pregnant?

[Twiggles36]

I had an interview today with a start-up in another European country. I would be working with them as a freelancer, remotely. They are quite a small company and are looking for someone who can guarantee about 15-18 hours per week. As I'd be a freelance collaborator and not an employee, I'm quite sure I wouldn't be given formal maternity leave/pay, I would just not accept any projects for a few weeks when I have the baby. In the interview I did not mention I was pregnant, as I didn't want to hinder my chances, but I also feel a bit deceitful accepting an offer when I know I wouldn't be available for a month or so after my baby is born in the summer, and this could create serious problems for them as I am offering a very specialist service and it wouldn't be easy for them to find someone to fill in for me while I'm away. If they make me an offer, should I tell them I am pregnant and won't be working for a month or so after the baby's born?

How pregnant are you?

If it's freelance, can you cram in as much work as possible in the next 6 months or so, show them you're amazingly shit-hot at what you do & then after a decent period of maternity leave they'll want to use you again?

If it's regular work, I think you need to take it & find a way around it when the time comes.

Maybe you could reduce hours for a short while, but still keep your hand in until you can take more.
Can you collaborate with someone else in the industry to 'share' the contract for a short while?

Hell no. Do not tell them. You're a part-time freelancer!

I've been a freelancer since before my kids were born (although rarely part time). With both, and both with fairly harrowing EMCSes, and one very needy baby and one absolute angel, I was still able to check email, do a few bits within a couple of weeks. Sure, housework wasn't a priority, and I stopped making ex packed lunches, but it really wasn't an issue (DS1 even joined me at a few meetings!)

My kids are fantastic, well behaved, well liked, well loved, despite ex basically leaving me to raise them (and I thank my lucky stars I kept up the freelancing, despite him encouraging me to give it up, so I could end the relationship when it became clear what he'd been up to|)

They are well used to me occasionally having to close the door and go on a call (and they're not scared, they'll gently open the door, establish if I can chat, before asking for a snack for instance - very reasonable kids).

Being freelance (also remote) means that I have mitigated the risk of losing my career, but I can still take them to school/pick them up, go to sportsday etc. and generally be the present parent they need (I could make a dig about their father here, and I will, since he's a lazy coward who doesn't deserve the wonderful kids they are, and he sees once a week!)

I didn't want to put them in childcare until they're about 2 or 3, but maybe it would be better for them if they had 2/3 full days with a childminder, having lots of fun and attention.

Your initial plan is good, OP. On the whole, babies need their mums, not 'fun' with a childminder.

I would be open and honest with your potential employer if you want a long term working relationship with them.

It is a bit hard to say how things will be before you have the baby, tbh! I know, this makes planning difficult. Big life change!

@DomesticatedZombie

I didn't want to put them in childcare until they're about 2 or 3, but maybe it would be better for them if they had 2/3 full days with a childminder, having lots of fun and attention.

Your initial plan is good, OP. On the whole, babies need their mums, not 'fun' with a childminder.

I would be open and honest with your potential employer if you want a long term working relationship with them.

It is a bit hard to say how things will be before you have the baby, tbh! I know, this makes planning difficult. Big life change!

Do you think it's better for them to not go to a childminder, but stay with me, even if I will be busy working?

@QuinkWashable

Hell no. Do not tell them. You're a part-time freelancer!

I've been a freelancer since before my kids were born (although rarely part time). With both, and both with fairly harrowing EMCSes, and one very needy baby and one absolute angel, I was still able to check email, do a few bits within a couple of weeks. Sure, housework wasn't a priority, and I stopped making ex packed lunches, but it really wasn't an issue (DS1 even joined me at a few meetings!)

My kids are fantastic, well behaved, well liked, well loved, despite ex basically leaving me to raise them (and I thank my lucky stars I kept up the freelancing, despite him encouraging me to give it up, so I could end the relationship when it became clear what he'd been up to|)

They are well used to me occasionally having to close the door and go on a call (and they're not scared, they'll gently open the door, establish if I can chat, before asking for a snack for instance - very reasonable kids).

Being freelance (also remote) means that I have mitigated the risk of losing my career, but I can still take them to school/pick them up, go to sportsday etc. and generally be the present parent they need (I could make a dig about their father here, and I will, since he's a lazy coward who doesn't deserve the wonderful kids they are, and he sees once a week!)

Thank you for this! :)

Just realised I put employee in the title... I meant employer, or better, collaborator

I've had a mixture of childcare - from working on the dining table while DS1 sat in bouncer/napped/crawled/wandered around the flat where I could see him, to nannies, to childminders, to nursery when he was younger.

Although they do prefer being in our house to being in someone else's. Eldest was fine with all of it and enjoys clubs and socialising, from when he first went at about 2 to now, he'll walk into any situation without even needing to say goodbye!, Youngest has disapproved of all of it, and would prefer to be in the house while I work to having fun at the childminder's or even having an aupair/nanny looking after him while I'm in my office. That's just their personalities rather than anything else though I think (and it was DS1 who was high needs! DS2 was such an easy baby!)

Perhaps weirdly, never wraparound school-provided childcare though - maybe because I moved country a lot, and it wasn't generally available, and now we've settled, they just don't like the idea. Right now they go to a childminder 2.5 afternoons a week (they alternate one day, so they each get some time alone with me). I don't know what I'll do when DS1 goes to secondary next year, I have to talk to DS2 and decide what's going to be best.

Do you think it's better for them to not go to a childminder, but stay with me, even if I will be busy working?

There are lots of variables in there, OP.

You may be breastfeeding or not, this will have a huge impact. And babies can vary enormously - some are happy to lie and burble, some need a lot more attention. Some sleep all night from the off, some ... don't. And age matters enormously, as does the baby's temperament. So nobody can really say definitively, I'm sorry!

I know I had various plans (I work freelance) that all went pear shaped as soon as the baby arrived. But every birth, baby and mother is different (and it's all constantly changing). Gosh, this is not good advice at all, I'm sorry!

If you can, try and build in as much flexibility as possible, and consider whehter there are family or friends you can ask for help. Also consider that any change/decision will have a period of readjustment, very often. It took a few weeks for my 2nd to adjust to being left with a childminder, for example, I couldn't just leave her and run off, I had to build up to it gradually.

I was a childminder..The youngest baby I had was 6 weeks old.she was a really good baby and to be honest happy with a cuddle/ bottle..
You might find a couple of morning a week help.you get on with work- could your partner take some paternity leave..

The very young ones i have all had have all settled really easily.

Don't tell them till the offer it finalised and about 3 weeks after that tell them you've just found out to your own suprise. Continue to work, explain the 8 weeks you'll be unavailable for at the end of June and just carry on.

I went back to full time work when DS was 16 weeks old, he went to nursery. It all worked out in the end. Some people just don't have the luxury of a year off, it's just the way it is.

I mean women in the US only have 2 weeks off which I find madness but they all survive.

If you are a true freelance contrator then you are providing a service and have the right to substitute another person in to complete the work. Do you know anyone you could subcontract to during your mat leave so that the service isn’t interrupted?

@DomesticatedZombie @QuinkWashable Interesting, thank you. I am planning on breastfeeding. My work would be very desk-based, just solid writing really. I wouldn't have many meetings or phone calls... so I was hoping, when they are small (like a few months old), they could just stay with me in a sling or something... but to be honest I really have no idea how it will be.

As in, how the baby will be.

Yep - I breastfed, and I'm a programmer, so desk based, and yes, sometimes he just sat in a sling, or a highchair, or the raised bed of a portable cot, or a door bouncer near me too.

As the others say - it entirely depends on the baby, and TBH, if you enjoy your work or not - I remember sitting with my massively swollen legs propped up, baby on boob, checking my email and thinking about the next bit of work I wanted to do, because I do enjoy my job and didn't see it as a chore, but more just a part of my life.

It could work out fine like that, OP. It really just is hard to know in advance. Babies nap (most babies), so you can try and work round those. If you're breastfeeding, that can take a few weeks to establish, sometimes, which might mean frequent feeding (like, every couple of hours). You can wear a baby in a sling, yes, that can be great (although some don't like slings). I used to have mine on a breastfeeding pillow sleeping on me (some babies will only sleep on a parent) while working, but it wasn't great for the back and may depend on your body shape etc.

@DomesticatedZombie

It could work out fine like that, OP. It really just is hard to know in advance. Babies nap (most babies), so you can try and work round those. If you're breastfeeding, that can take a few weeks to establish, sometimes, which might mean frequent feeding (like, every couple of hours). You can wear a baby in a sling, yes, that can be great (although some don't like slings). I used to have mine on a breastfeeding pillow sleeping on me (some babies will only sleep on a parent) while working, but it wasn't great for the back and may depend on your body shape etc.

Thanks for all this :) is it normally possible to breastfeed and type on a computer at the same time? Or does breastfeeding require 100% attention?

Sorry but as you know it will cause them serious problems (your words) I think it's awful if you didn't tell them.

@Kshhuxnxk

Sorry but as you know it will cause them serious problems (your words) I think it's awful if you didn't tell them.

Yes. I agree. I think all things considered, as one business to another, I should tell them that I will not be available for a certain period after the baby is born.

Thanks for all this smile is it normally possible to breastfeed and type on a computer at the same time? Or does breastfeeding require 100% attention?

You're going to get tired of hearing this, but - it depends.

In the early days, you may take a bit of time to work it out (as may the baby) - so you may need to concentrate to latch on. Some dyads get the hang of it very quickly and all is smooth, but it can take up to a few weeks to get fully established. I did a little work in the week post-birth but it was bloody hard.

Normally once breastfeeding's established you can just get the baby settled and it will be happy to get on with it - but posture and so on may not work for everyone to type. Depends on size of boobs, baby, your frame, etc.

You may also be tired in the early weeks - anything from a bit of broken sleep to very sleep deprived. Again, depending on so many other factors.

If possible I'd try and be gentle with yourself, and factor in time to rest and recover and adjust. It is a huge change, both physically and mentally - hormones are wild, you have to recover from pregnancy and birth, work out how your baby works, etc.

I was told when I had my first baby, in a mentoring session from an older woman, to forget about my work for a couple of years and focus on my baby. It was actually very good advice. I'm now mid 40s and picking up my career again - I've lost time, undoubtedly, but on the plus side I am SO much better at working with focus - I just hardly procrastinate these days, I work much more efficiently. (I say that, and notice I'm sitting here on MN when I really need to get back to work and my 7yo is being babysat by the tv ...)

You'll work it out, OP. All the best with it!

If you’re a contractor, you can just sub-contract out to work to someone else to cover your leave.

I think you’re probably being a bit unrealistic about only taking two months off. What if you have a section and take longer to recover? Or it the baby has to spend some time in NICU before coming home? If you don’t want them in childcare until they’re 2 or 3, are you happy to dedicate all of your evenings to working? Will you still need to try and get other clients just in case the work with this one dries-up at some stage?

As you’re not an employee, you don’t have to tell them apart from giving reasonable notice that “I’m on leave from now until X and Emily will be handling your account in my absence so please contact her on this number”.

I’m a freelancer and do about 12 hours a week. I have two children, my youngest is 17 months and there is no way I could do even half an hour of work when I am at home with him during the day. I do all of my work during the evenings/weekend when my husband is at home and in charge of the kids. It would be slightly easier to work with a very young baby as they sleep so much… but as soon as they are on the move it’s just not practical.

In terms of your original question - no I wouldn’t tell them in advance about the pregnancy.

If they are looking for someone for 15-18 hrs a week wfh that sounds perfect to balance continued with having a young baby. Before maternity leave provision was extended it was normal to return to work very quickly.

Much depends on how you intend to handle it and what support you will have available.

How would holiday time be handled today? It’s not unusual for people in some European countries to take best part of a month off in summer.

Who would mind the baby whilst you do the work? You won’t be able to fit in 15-18hrs a week whilst you look after a baby.

If you really want this work and are really prepared to ensure it can be done I’d say go for it and don’t tell them.

Can you do the work on your phone? I spent ages on my phone when I had a young baby - it was all I could do, as baby would feed to sleep and nap on me (and wouldn't nap alone). I probably could have done a part time job in those hours!

If not, I'd only take the job on if you could fit it in when your husband is around or if you can get other childcare (and even then, you might need to drop everything to feed the baby, if you are breastfeeding). The thing with babies is they don't have a bedtime in the way that toddlers do. You only really get your evenings back later on.

I wouldn't really worry about the effect on baby in this case. I don't believe they need to be with mummy 24 hours a day, and you'll still be spending most of your time together. It is good if they are able to build other bonds too, especially with their dad of course.

Best of luck.

This is a job that you want and could secure your income stream in the near future, keep your career going long term and have a big impact on your future earning potential. Do not bear this burden alone, share it with your husband.

There are women who go back to work after a very short time off when they have a baby. They do this with support. Could you get a nanny with experience of care of a newborn, a post natal doula or some other form of at home care for the first few months? It could be done with regular housekeeping and food preparation support, but it is likely that having someone who can hold your baby while you work will also be required. Yes, in the first month, breastfed babies can feed 8 to 12 times a day for 45 minutes at a time.. this can mean you could be feeding 50% of the time. (That is one end of the spectrum). After a month, there will be guaranteed longer gaps.

You have a husband. The financial impact and logistical adaptation required resulting from your pregnancy and the care of your baby should be shared between you and your husband.

Does your husband's place of work offer flexible working, work life balance, shared parental leave or any other options for him to take a role in taking care of your child so that you can do the 15 to 18 hours work required? If he could share the paternal leave, then he could have up to 50 weeks of leave and 37 weeks of pay. If he could request parental leave (unpaid leave in blocks of 2 weeks, giving the required notice etc) and use this to help. He could also arrange to have one or two days holiday per week which would get you through around 3 months where he can support you through those days to carve out enough time to work - if you really can get your content done without needing to be totally focussed.

Yes, family time together at weekends would be nice, but there are 24 hours in the day and 7 days a week.. your husband has to work for 40, you have to work for 15 and your baby needs care for 168 of those hours, though they will likely sleep for large portions of that, however there is no guarantee that they will sleep without company. You can prioritise your work and have some family time together without insisting that you stick to father goes to work Monday to Friday, Mother has baby clean and happy, food on the table when he gets home and pretends all of her needs are met and weekends are some blissful time where you look lovingly at each other and your baby and nothing else gets done. Real life is not like that... housework, baby, contracting work all needs to get done as and when it fits... I work part time, flexibly, this often happens when my husband is home. We still make time for each other but I also make sure there is time carved out for my work. My kids are older and I did not work when they were babies.. but people do... find them and find out how it works for them! Get help and do not compare the cost of help with the income you earn. By being at home, you are facilitating your husband's income too.

You could let your prospective collaborator know that you have a prior commitment during the month of June where you would not be available for work for 4 weeks when they offer the job. The challenge will be that your baby could arrive 2 weeks early or 2 weeks late. However, depending on how they react to that knowledge and the fact that you will have 3 months to make a good impression on them, they might be able to be flexible in their demands and requests around that time. You might also be able to get someone to help you meet their requirements.

There are many ways to solve this situation... keep brainstorming!! Maybe ask this in the freelancing section too..

Also, I think it's not worth scenario building around what happens if your baby is in NICU etc.. if that happens you and your husband will work that out at the time and while it is a possibility, it is not a likely scenario.