A big part of grooming is the keeping of secrets from the main caregivers or adults who have a close relationship with the child. It’s a red flag for any adult to tell a child “don’t tell mom or dad or don’t tell this person or that person”. “It is just between us”. Red flag!
If it’s a piece cake of sweets and mom said no. And the child gets this snack.. ok fine. We can consider that innocent. But also be aware that grooming can start even as innocently as that. Keeping of larger secrets. Meeting in secret. Talking about sexual themes. Talking about sexual feelings etc.. these are extremely inappropriate and I would argue not in the scope of teaching. If we speak about sexual education in a class room setting then of course it is fine to dicusss in an age appropriate way. But even then personal discussions about sexual things for a child is inappropriate.
Another red flag is creating an enemy of the care giver. Telling a child that mom and dad will not understand, so tell me instead. Mom and dad will punish you if you don’t go along with what I say (discouraging “outing” a child so that parents won’t kick the child out) I would say is a manipulative tactic used to alienate the adult caregiver and person who is keeping the child safe. What is the assumption the child will be met with hostility? They just assume all parents will be hostile? That’s something a groomer does to make the child think they can only trust the predator.
Grooming is an insidious, often long drawn out, targeted attack on the psyche of a child. Never underestimate the tactics and willingness to go to any lengths to get and keep access to their victim.
Targeting vulnerable children, isolating them mentally and emotionally from their parents or guardian, keeping secrets, secret meetings, creating an air of mistrust for the child towards their parent or guardian.
There is no reason why a teacher should be asking a child sexual questions. Again.. if age appropriate sexual education is being taught in a classroom setting then even then, no personal sexual questions or anecdotes should be mentioned and the lesson should be taught purely in an educational, factual way.
Parents should also be aware of escalation tactics of grooming. And groomers will often gaslight the parent or guardian by saying you are over thinking, or suspicious of nothing. I would argue to be extremely vigilant of any adult wanting private access to your child, sending private messages, emails or any correspondence to your child without going first thru you.
Escalation tactics are an increase in the amount or intensity of the attention being shown from the groomer to the victim. Increase in communication, increase in private meetings.
There is no reason ever for an adult to be calling your child on the phone or emailing or messaging your child on social media.
Adults are not friends with children and adults do not ask children for help or advice. So if your child is facing an adult seeking friendship with them then this should put you to alert. And I stand by this.. there is no reason for a friendship between a child and adult to be. Can a coach or neughbour take a friendly innocent interest in your child and maybe play football with him or her. It’s possible but I always urge vigilance on the part of the parent. No adult outside of family (of course the most common abuser is relatives) should be allowed alone 1-1 access to your child ever. You might even consider vetting your relatives as blood relation does not automatically mean they are safe.
It’s better to err on the side of caution and risk the hurt feelings and offense of the adult over your child being victimized.
I personally don’t care what adult is offended. Your feelings don’t come before safeguarding a child and I would rather hurt a million adults feelings than have one hurt child.
So be vigilant, be strong and be willing to say no access when it comes to your child.
Believe me.. I’ve seen and dealt with horrific cases and the parents saw red flags and they assumed they were being irrational. It’s not worth the damage tk the child.
When in doubt. Say no.. and even when verified say no. Access to children is a privilege not a right! And most people have no business around children tbh.
And always question why this person needs access to your child. They don’t have a reason! A closed door , secret meeting, email, message.. all need to be looked into. Do not ever give the benefit of the doubt.
It might seem overly vigilant but predators go to amazing lengths to access children so you need to go to amazing lengths to protect them.
Think of it like this. A shark is an apex predator. They will always hunt for prey… a child predator will always hunt for prey. They will never stop. The only stop is to remove the access to the children.
Please please do not just assume that a teacher is wanting 1-1 access to discuss sexual themes is ok. This behaviour that these teachers exhibited is exactly the definition of grooming.
Stay vigilant. And remember.. access to children is a privilege. And it can and should be revoked as soon as any red flags are seen. Never give the benefit of the doubt and don’t assume that only men groom children. Women also do too.. as with these two teachers.
Internet access, emails, phones are all great isolation tools. Be especially prepared to monitor all access points. Predators will use them.