what will it mean to you if we lose the word "mother"

[vivariumvivariumsvivaria]

I am incandescent about the moves to make "mother" a gender neutral term, or to remove it entirely from documentation (see Nancy Kelly's comments on WH about Scottish Government)

My motherhood is not my identity or role - it grew INTO me like that fungus that grows on plant roots, which isn't a beautiful analogy.

My children grew in me, but, they also grew through me, like that fungus makes tiny roots that trail along the plant's in symbiosis - which is why when they were tiny my body responded to their needs before I did: my breasts leaked because my body heard their cry; I'd be aware of their sharp intake of breath and be sprinting to them before their scream.

It seems that this means I will forevermore only ever be as happy as my least happy child.

They left cells behind like a weird echo of when they were gestating, I am not aware of those cells but I do rather like that I have some tiny Y chromosomes floating around in my system because I have sons.

Before they were born I learned which was energetic, which was chill and which had terrible issues with hiccups - I "knew" their nature before anyone else could.

My kids are grown now and I STILL note "baby's kicking" before I realise it's a fart.

I loved them in a way that was different and animal. They are grown now and I miss them dreadfully. My job was to make them not need me and that is a painful success. They know they have a safe place to fall, that is what I have given them, it did not happen by accident, and that is really all any child needs, no matter how old they are.

Being their mother means I am loved in return - in a way that is never replicable by any other person.

I understand that some women do not wish children and some women are devastated to not have children. Me having mine is unremarkable and ordinary - at the same time as being personally spectacular and extraordinary.

Being a mother has become a short cut to building a relationship with other women who have children, or who would have loved to have children, or who have lost children. We understand something about each other that is above age, culture, language.

"Mother" is not a word, it's not an identity, it cannot be stolen and I will not allow it to be taken from me.

I fucking earned it.

❤️❤️❤️❤️

Beautiful.

We will not lose the word.

This stupidity shall pass.

I am not a mother, although I wanted so much to be one.

They can't have the word mother. We need to hold the line.

There is an unbroken line connecting me to my mother and all those mothers before her. And not one human is born without a mother.

I love your post and I completely agree. Being my dd's mother is one of the things I am most proud of in my life and I will not be reduced to anything else.

Beautifully put. Women, whether mothers or not, need to fight against this erosion of our identity.

@Pinkfairylights

I am not a mother, although I wanted so much to be one.

They can't have the word mother. We need to hold the line.

There is an unbroken line connecting me to my mother and all those mothers before her. And not one human is born without a mother.

As a woman your want to be a mother, and any feelings at no being one, is an entirely different thing to any tw claim they wanted to be a mother, and you have as much right as any woman does to not have that word redefined to reduce our and your experience.

It’s a word for woman, whether we are mothers or not, whether we identify as women or not. It’s possibly the most female centred word there is outside woman, and it’s the word that describes who we were all born from. That meaning deserves respect not written out of history.

vivariumvivariumsvivaria

What more can I add? You have said it so well and so beautifully.

Thank you for this thread, wipes away tears…

Had an interesting chat with teen DD 14 about this and ‘pregnant people’. I think I could take using ‘parent’ instead of mother in public discourse if this was also an indication that parenting duties and responsibilities would be equally shared regardless of sex. But that is very unlikely. So we will lose our specific label but none of our duties. Lose: lose. Either make parenting a equal or don’t dilute our specificity.

I won't be losing it. I and many others will just not enable this. It will take full participation to permit it, it takes agreement and co operation.

There has been a lot, people have been very generous about being willing to bend to pronoun choices and all sorts of new language and care to try and help people in this situation. We've now hit the point where good will is beginning to run out, there is no reciprocation, and it is very clear that some people get to say 'my language choices really matter to me' but others get told to shut up, put up and no one cares how their language choices matter.

That is not inclusion. It's not a reciprocal or even basically equal relationship. And sadly once people get tired of the take take take without give and equal interest in other people's feelings and needs and inclusion, the answer will start to be no.

This raid on this word is silly. It's not going to happen, and I won't be participating in it. I won't accept it from any agency on their paperwork either.

@DaisiesandButtercups

vivariumvivariumsvivaria

What more can I add? You have said it so well and so beautifully.

Thank you for this thread, wipes away tears…

100% agree. Absolutely beautifully written.

Beautiful post Viva. My proudest achievement is being a mother. And I will not let anyone take that word from me.

Thanks for this 💕

I agree that people are becoming increasingly annoyed at the finger wagging of the inclusivity police. I can’t say that I understand why the majorities gender pronoun selection isn’t being respected. It makes far more sense to call pregnant women and mothers just that. Then the very few that have different identities can speak up if they want to be called something else. Why the hell should we be misgendered when we are the majority? I don’t understand it. Doing that just offends more people than doing it the other way around.

Lovely posts. We won't lose the word mother. It's the typical overreach from these lobbyists that we see all the time.
The experience of being a mother, from conception, through pregnancy, birth and throughout our children's lives is so powerful and overwhelming that no sour faced, anti women activist groups will ever remove it.

Beautifully well put. Thank you for starting this thread. I think mother is one of the most beautiful and powerful words in our language, its not just a person. Its a place, its a feeling, its our home.

Its known that many people's dying words they call for their mother, even if she's no longer alive. Thats how important it is. So no, its not up for debate and its going nowhere.

Wow, @vivariumvivariumsvivaria, that's a stunningly beautiful post. Every word resonated.

And no, men don't get the word mother. Ever. They've made a massive error of judgment thinking they can.

Thank you and beautifully put ♥️ @vivariumvivariumsvivaria

It's like parenting a toddler, just because you want it, doesn't mean you can have it. Temper tantrums will not be effective against us mothers.

@vivariumvivariumsvivaria - your words gave me shivers. You have captured so much in that short passage.

I strongly identify as a mother. Motherhood has completed me, healed me and changed me for the better.

It's infinitely more than being the passive vessel of birthing parent.

Perfectly put vivariumvivariumsvivaria

I was 17 years old when I become a mother so was still a child myself. I had to grow up pretty fast but I wouldn't change it for the world and no one is going to take that away from me,

Also, what Artichokeleaves said!

Beautiful.

I read The Dictionary of Lost Words by Pip Williams recently and there was a beautiful and heartbreaking section about what it means to be a mother and the definition of the word. Here is an extract from a review of the book:

'She puzzles over the definition of “mother” and whether it excludes a woman who has a stillbirth, or who gives her daughter up for adoption, or whose son dies in the first world war.'

www.google.com/amp/s/amp.theguardian.com/books/2021/apr/16/dictionary-of-lost-words-by-pip-williams-review-a-gentle-hopeful-story

Beautifully put, @vivariumvivariumsvivaria. Becoming a mother has been a physical, physiological and personal challenge for me.
It has been the hardest work of my life, and, as a result, I am a far stronger and better person.

The analogy of the fungus and the tree is apt; the symbiosis moves benefits both ways.
Suzanne Simard has researched the role of the "mother tree" in a forest, and talks about how she initially baulked at using the terminology of "mother" - but that it is the word that fits.

All mothers know that any cost-benefit-analysis would land on the side of "hell no, I'm not doing that".

@MrsPleasant

I love your post and I completely agree. Being my dd's mother is one of the things I am most proud of in my life and I will not be reduced to anything else.

Me too. It's what defines me.

They will never take mother. They crossed the line and they know it. Hence the backpeddling/denying they ever suggested it by Nancy K on the Womens Hour interview.

No one is actually stopping you using the word

Beautiful post viv. Thank you

Thank you viv ❤

Being a mother has fundamentally changed me. It has brought me such joy, their joy is mine. It has also brought me such deep sorrow and pain after watching by boys fight for their lives and losing 3 of my babies.
I am broken and complete from my journey and I am a mother.
It's a bond I have with my own mother. I watched her carry my sister and she supported me in my 5 pregnancies, she held me when I couldn't hold my baby and she supported when I fought for my life and that of my surviving children.
I earned that title and so has every woman who has carried a baby, adopted, fostered or cared for a child like a mother.
Will they be erasing Father too?