Would you consider this bisexuality or hetrosexuality?

[invisiblecats]

I do have a reason to be asking this, it isn't just naval gazing, honest!

I'll explain why in a bit, but first of all I'd like to ask, is it OK for me to call myself bisexual or is it being dishonest?

I'm in a relationship with the father of my children. All the relationships I've had have been with men.

However in the past I've (very happily!) had sex with a few women. Were I single although I'd be looking for a relationship with a man and not actively looking for one with a woman, I wouldn't totally rule out the idea of a relationship with a woman if the right one happened to come along.

If asked if my sexuality on forms I usually (but not always) say I'm straight, because feel it's unfair for me to claim to be bisexual when I'm living a hetrosexual life, I don't experience any of the discrimination that women living as a bisexual woman do. Also I'm conscious of a lot of straight people claiming to be "queer" for bullshit reasons and it must be really fucking annoying for LGB people to have to deal with this nonsense. I want to be respectful.

So, if I call myself bisexual, is that unfair? Or simply describing reality given I do actually really like having sex with women, even if I don't do it very often or have any intention to do so in the near future?

I think it’s fine to say you’re bisexual (if you want to).
If a gay man wasn’t currently in a relationship (or had never even had a relationship/sex at all) he could still say he was gay.

I think you would be fair to choose whatever seems right to you with this.

Filling out a form, I might keep in mind what the purpose of the question was, and answer accordingly. Or, I just wouldn't fill out that part if I didn't think it was really relevant.

Some ppl would argue that by not saying "bi" you're decreasing visibility of bisexual ppl (lots are in hetero relationships so wouldn't "obviously" be seen as anything other than straight).

It's an interesting question that I'm sure others will have more to say on! But also will depend on the aim of the form? If it was to survey prevalence of sexualities I'd say bi. Probably also anything to do with diversity monitoring.

@GemmaRuby

I think it’s fine to say you’re bisexual (if you want to). If a gay man wasn’t currently in a relationship (or had never even had a relationship/sex at all) he could still say he was gay.

This ^

Identity, orientation and behaviour are all different. It’s fine for you to describe yourself as bisexual.

I always refer to myself as bisexual, although in slightly different circumstances to you as I’ve had longer relationships with women in the past and would be unlikely to decide to pursue a future relationship with only men (or only women, I suppose). It’s definitely fair.

Appreciate your concern for Also I'm conscious of a lot of straight people claiming to be "queer" for bullshit reasons and it must be really fucking annoying for LGB people to have to deal with this nonsense. but for filling in forms, that’s not an issue!

Well i don’t intend to ever have any kind of relationship again but I’d still call myself heterosexual as I find men physically attractive and all my relationships have been with men. I don’t think I’ve become something else, so if you’re still attracted to both I’d say it’s fine to say bisexual.

Yes that's absolutely fine to call yourself bisexual. I'm currently in a relationship with a man (and actually carrying his child as we speak!) but I've had sex with plenty of women in the past as well as men. It doesn't make me any less bisexual just because I happen to be in a relationship with a man. I don't think you need to have had an equal number of relationships with men and women to be truly bisexual. Hell, my poor Dad thinks that to be bisexual you need to have at least one boyfriend and one girlfriend at the same time at all times else you have to lump yourself in with the gays or the straights depending on who you're banging at the time 🙄

Bisexual visibility is about breaking down the misconceptions and stereotypes surrounding bisexuality - including those held and expressed by some lesbian and gay people - so it’s perfectly fine to state that you are bisexual even if you are currently in a heterosexual relationship. Your sexuality isn’t determined by who your partner is, it’s an image part of your identity.

I'm kind of the same OP. I'm in a relationship with a man and I've only ever had relationships with men, I've kissed a few women, never had sex with one but had serious feelings for one which I was too scared to act on. I have kids with my dp and often feel like I've missed my chance to explore my attraction to women properly, if I became single again I'd only be looking to date women in the future. I've never described myself as bi except when discussing it with my dp. He suggested I put down bi as my sexuality on the recent census but it felt dishonest. I don't experience any of the discrimination that comes from being bi, with the small exception I suppose of being "in the closet" to a degree. It's definitely complicated, I feel like I don't have the right to describe myself that way unless I've actually had a relationship or sex with a woman, and since that is unlikely to happen soon if ever it feels like a moot point either way. I often think of myself as "functionally straight". Sexuality is definitely a complicated thing.

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

I'm kind of the same OP. I'm in a relationship with a man and I've only ever had relationships with men, I've kissed a few women, never had sex with one but had serious feelings for one which I was too scared to act on. I have kids with my dp and often feel like I've missed my chance to explore my attraction to women properly, if I became single again I'd only be looking to date women in the future. I've never described myself as bi except when discussing it with my dp. He suggested I put down bi as my sexuality on the recent census but it felt dishonest. I don't experience any of the discrimination that comes from being bi, with the small exception I suppose of being "in the closet" to a degree. It's definitely complicated, I feel like I don't have the right to describe myself that way unless I've actually had a relationship or sex with a woman, and since that is unlikely to happen soon if ever it feels like a moot point either way. I often think of myself as "functionally straight". Sexuality is definitely a complicated thing.

Same here. Your post resonated with me @invisiblecats

Sorry by quoting above I meant to be quoting both of you

Thanks for all the replies.

The reason isn't filling in a form.

It's because I want to complain about the new diversity and inclusion policy at work which looks like it's been lifted directly from the Stonewall school of thought.

There aren't a lot of obvious active TRAs at my work, and I don't think HR are particularly well informed on the issues. I want to be able to have a constructive conversation on the topic.

My best guess at this point is that they're just keen to do the right thing and have lifted their policy from somewhere. The head of HR is a straight man, his deputy (who I think is leading on this) is a lesbian women in her 40s, from conversations with her I don't think she's particularly well informed either way, she's certainly not an activist.

I mentioned something mildly critical in passing to the deputy about the new policy, and she didn't ignored my point and mumbled something about understanding that 'some people find LGBT initiatives challenging' (implying this was me!), but this was a positive move to support staff members. So, I think she has me pigeonholed as a bigot, basically.

I want to put my concerns in writing and I think it will help describe myself as bisexual to signal that this isn't about bigotry! I'm not objecting to LGBT support, I'm specifically objecting to gender identity inshrined as fact in our policies.

But I don't want to do this if it would be considered unfair or misrepresentation.

I am in the lucky position for it not to matter if I lose this job, although I don't want to (I work there part time and have consultancy work on the side which will keep me if the shit hits the fan!) so I want to speak out.

WWYD?

@ComtesseDeSpair

Bisexual visibility is about breaking down the misconceptions and stereotypes surrounding bisexuality - including those held and expressed by some lesbian and gay people - so it’s perfectly fine to state that you are bisexual even if you are currently in a heterosexual relationship. Your sexuality isn’t determined by who your partner is, it’s an image part of your identity.

Interesting food for thought, thanks :)

I think if you have sexual attraction to women as well as men you are bisexual. So that's the truth. Disclose this however you choose.

You're bisexual. There's no reason to feel guilty or hesitant about your sexuality when it's clear you are sexually attracted to both sexes and have enjoyed having sex with previous partners. There isn't some threshold of how many women and men you need to have sex or a relationship with to qualify.

A heterosexual person who has never had sex with or had a relationship with someone of the opposite sex is still a heterosexual person because they know they are sexually attracted to the opposite sex.

Realistically unless you are poly and are in both a relationship with a man and a woman simultaneously, then surely this is the case for all bisexual people.

Of course that’s bisexuality OP!

I want to put my concerns in writing and I think it will help describe myself as bisexual to signal that this isn't about bigotry!

No offense OP but if Simon Fanshawe, an openly gay man who confounded stonewall and campaigned for LGB equality his entire life, is still getting accused of bigotry I don't see that identifying as bi will help you much. And whilst I agree with your position of gender ideology, being bi doesn't mean you can't also be transphobic or even homophobic. Look at how homophobic TRAs are, being part of the "LGBT community" doesn't stop them being bigots. Lots of gay men are also openly prejudiced towards lesbians, and so on, so I don't think your "I'm not a bigot because I'm bi" arguments will be helpful on any level. Don't fall into the trap of trying to defend yourself because it'll never be enough for the people who have already bought into this nonsense. For the people still able to be reasonable and think critically the fact that you aren't saying anything bigoted should be enough to show you aren't a bigot.

Of course you can say you're bi!

I spent a little time in NE Brazil and my understanding (which might of course be coloured by who I spoke to) was that this is the normal status for women there. They would regard themselves as heterosexual however. I think all I am saying is that the answer to this sort of question is heavily culturally dependent.

Thanks everyone

Looks like I was overthinking (wouldn't be the first time). I'll include that I'm bisexual without feeling like a fraud!

@ByGrabtharsHammerWhatASavings

I want to put my concerns in writing and I think it will help describe myself as bisexual to signal that this isn't about bigotry!

No offense OP but if Simon Fanshawe, an openly gay man who confounded stonewall and campaigned for LGB equality his entire life, is still getting accused of bigotry I don't see that identifying as bi will help you much. And whilst I agree with your position of gender ideology, being bi doesn't mean you can't also be transphobic or even homophobic. Look at how homophobic TRAs are, being part of the "LGBT community" doesn't stop them being bigots. Lots of gay men are also openly prejudiced towards lesbians, and so on, so I don't think your "I'm not a bigot because I'm bi" arguments will be helpful on any level. Don't fall into the trap of trying to defend yourself because it'll never be enough for the people who have already bought into this nonsense. For the people still able to be reasonable and think critically the fact that you aren't saying anything bigoted should be enough to show you aren't a bigot.

Oh yes, I'm under no illusions!

I don't think I'll win the argument by declaring a sexual identity.

But I'm pissed off about her patronising dismissal of my valid, evidence-based concerns with a suggestion that I find LGBT initiatives "challenging" because it's unfamiliar territory for me. Which it's not, so she can bog off with that line of thinking!

I'm under no illusions that I may still be framed as a bigot. And I understand that same sex-attracted people can still be homophobic (Stonewall etc I'm looking at you!).

I don't think I'll win the argument by declaring a sexual identity

Or, sexual orientation, rather!

The identity angle is the root of all the problems isn't it!

Bisexual - attracted to both sexes.
Hetero - attracted to the opposite sex
Homo - attracted to the same sex

Which one are you? (PS, Bi doesn’t mean having sex and being in a relationship with M and F at the same time)

Thanks for this OP. It’s made me realise I have never considered filling in anything other than heterosexual on a form before, yet my circumstances are similar to yours. It’s made me reflect that I haven’t considered that having sex with a woman “counted” when it clearly does.