Sharing pronouns

[catcatcatcat]

Sorry if this has been done. How do I tell work/colleagues that I don't want to share my pronouns on the end of my emails without them assuming I'm discriminatory or wrong? I need help with the words. I just don't want to. I'm a woman, I've had children, I don't want to. I don't mind what anyone calls themselves etc - but don't want to put my own pronouns down.

legalfeminist.org.uk/2020/07/19/pronouns-compulsion-and-controversy/

There's a template letter somewhere (?) - can anyone remember where?

"I don't think putting pronouns down should be mandatory because it forces people who aren't really sure how to identify that they have to either pick one or other standard set of pronouns or come out and declare something non-standard and a lot of people might not feel comfortable doing that at work. I feel it's important that anyone in that situation feels that it's ok not to declare pronouns so I have decided to choose not to declare any pronouns because that provides a safe space for people in that situation, and I genuinely don't care what pronouns people use for me anyway"

If you don’t want to make a fuss, just smile shyly and say you aren’t ready to come out yet.

The last time I was asked, not at work tho, I just said I’m OK thank you. Fortunately it was at a sport event and we were running late, so I could style it out as helping things along.

Why do you need to tell them? Can't you just leave them off?

It's not legal to force you to do this, so I have wondered if asked at work to wonder out loud about this.

Yogyakarta principle 6:

'Everyone, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity, is entitled to the enjoyment of privacy without arbitrary or unlawful interference, including with regard to their family, home or correspondence as well as to protection from unlawful attacks on their honour and reputation. The right to privacy ordinarily includes the choice to disclose or not to disclose information relating to one’s sexual orientation or gender identity, as well as decisions and choices regarding both one’s own body and consensual sexual and other relations with others.'

I disagree with above suggestions which focus on gender identity .... a concept I'm inherently uneasy about.
My reason would be because I would prefer not to draw attention to my sex because women are often treated differently to men.

@ArabellaScott

Yogyakarta principle 6:

'Everyone, regardless of sexual orientation or gender identity, is entitled to the enjoyment of privacy without arbitrary or unlawful interference, including with regard to their family, home or correspondence as well as to protection from unlawful attacks on their honour and reputation. The right to privacy ordinarily includes the choice to disclose or not to disclose information relating to one’s sexual orientation or gender identity, as well as decisions and choices regarding both one’s own body and consensual sexual and other relations with others.'

I knew there was something really helpful that I forgot.

Tell them you’re working through some stuff and find it triggering. Look emotional..you’ll never be asked again.

Have you been asked directly? If not, ignore. Only say something if you absolutely have to, and even then, keep it to a minimum. Don't be tempted to fill expectant silences.

Thanks Arabella for the YP quote - saves me looking it up which I was going to have to do. I know I will be asked for them this week and am planning to say something link: in solidarity with people of all gender identities and none, I am following YP6 and creating a space where no one feels compelled to out themselves in any way. Please use whatever you feel comfortable.

If you don’t want to join ‘em, out-woke them!

That's an excellent reply. I might borrow that if ever I get asked!

Wouldn't a transgender person who is not out be using pronouns that are (how do i word this so it's not offensive?)
Is op hinting they are transgender? I've seen pronouns in others signature, only been asked once myself, which i just replied "yeah" to with a confused look my face lol like it had no relevance to anything at the time (face to face conversation while talking to me).

Ridiculous isn't it? What I'd want to ask would be "Do you believe that trans people should be instructed or compelled by their employer to declare their pronouns (thereby outing themselves as trans, whether they want to or not)?" If not, why on earth do you think anyone should be instructed or compelled to?

Anally - the point is that even asking the question might be traumatic to someone who is unsure or not out. Do they lie? Do they tell their truth? Are they unsure what the right answer is? Is it triggering and anxiety in them? So it is too personal a question to force people to answer in some misguided attempt to be supportive.

It’s virtue signalling nonsense that people are doing without thinking. And is literally against the Yogyakarta Principles.

Don't. Don't explain yourself at all. There isn't an explanation that will satisfy them and you don't need to justify yourself.
You are not doing anything wrong by not using pronouns. You are not hurting anyone. You cannot legally be compelled to use them.

Just don't use them, refuse to explain why and let it play out. If they escalate they will be bullying you, and at that point you can make a formal complaint.

Put different pronouns on every email.

It’s virtue signalling nonsense that people are doing without thinking. And is literally against the Yogyakarta Principles

I loathe the YP and want them rescinded at best or reissued in a new edition that has consulted women and integrated our concerns. (See Prof Wintermute, one of the authors who now recognises that women should have been consulted although they weren't.)

However, YP6 is currently useful until such necessary retraction or re-editing happens.

Just say all pronouns are ok. But don’t get upset if people don’t use the one you prefer if you don’t tell!
(my default for people who don’t tell is “they/them” as that is neutral.

No thank you.

@Itsanewdah

Just say all pronouns are ok. But don’t get upset if people don’t use the one you prefer if you don’t tell! (my default for people who don’t tell is “they/them” as that is neutral.

I note the instruction about governing the OP 's emotions and reaction if a refusal to participate in a compelled declaration should lead to such behaviour from a colleague/client/whomever. (I have in mind Naomi Cunningham's piece.) This would be irrespective of their position within an organisational chart.

I would be startled if people in an organisation/friendship group started to refer to me as "they/them" because I have never made a declaration of pronouns.

I am very troubled by the compelled nature of such interactions especially against a context of the suspicion that people are doing it for 'ally' points.

I would just ignore it. If pressed in person I would say something along the lines "people can use whatever pronouns for me they deem fit" and shrug. It's not important. Then "anyway, really must get on".

If pressed by email "I am unconcerned with how others refer to me with respect to pronouns, thank you."

If you have a preference, state it. If you don’t have one, state that. Its fine, people don’t need to have one.

Otherwise its like all these people who expect you to magically guess their title (Mrs, Ms, Miss, Dr, Mr for some less obvious first names) and get upset if you go with the safe option, or who don’t tell you they are pregnant and get upset if you don’t offer a chair etc (how am I supposed to know?).

my default for people who don’t tell is “they/them” as that is neutral

I don't think that makes sense at all tbh. I'm pretty sure if you randomly selected, say, 10,000 adults and decided to refer to them all as 'they', you'd be 'misgendering' and potentially offending an absolute shit ton more people than if you just went by what sex they appeared to be based on their outward appearance or their name. Why wouldn't you do what was likely to offend the smallest number of people?

@lazylinguist

my default for people who don’t tell is “they/them” as that is neutral

I don't think that makes sense at all tbh. I'm pretty sure if you randomly selected, say, 10,000 adults and decided to refer to them all as 'they', you'd be 'misgendering' and potentially offending an absolute shit ton more people than if you just went by what sex they appeared to be based on their outward appearance or their name. Why wouldn't you do what was likely to offend the smallest number of people?

Exactly - those who don't care what pronouns others use for them can state as much, those who are questioning can go with what works at the time but should have the flexibility to change later if necessary, and those who state their pronouns should have them respected so as to not cause offense :)

10 randoms names from the last mass email in our office: 2 are for somebody from western Europe clearly gendered. The rest - no idea. Because I know them I know one Andrea is she/her, one is he/him. Dan is she/her, Danni is he/him. Mika is she/her, so is Ryan. The rest - no idea, and I wouldn’t take chances with the names I consider to be clearly gendered either (I thought Ryan would always be he/him, apparently its neutral in the US).
So if you are in a even slightly multicultural organisation, they/them is the way to go with people who don’t state their pronouns. I’ll respect stated pronouns, I have nor problem changing them if required, but I can’t magically guess them. So they/them it is if people don’t state them as I will assume they want to stay neutral.