Is #bekind unkind?

[vivariumvivariumsvivaria]

I've lost an hour on twitter looking at the debate around the IOC decisions in sport and how that impacts on female athletes. Laurel Hubbard is at the centre of these discussions, and the way Laurel is described is often quite far from hashtag-be-kind. I expect this is the cause of some stress for Laurel.

I'm thinking of the kids in my 14 year old's class - 3 female born children who are all either autistic or care experienced, who are causing a lot of drama in the school with demands to control other kid's speech. One of these kids was upset with my son because although he used the other kids' preferred pronouns and latest new name, the other kid didn't believe that my son believed they are actually a boy. And so my son was told off for not believing that a kid he has known since nursery has magically changed sex.

I think honesty is kind - it might be hard to hear, and it might cause distress which needs managed, but it is better than telling untruths. The worst scene scenario is that someone lands up being the poster-trans for the Olympics and at the centre of a frank and sometimes personal debate.

Laurel is now a story that is getting more attention than the effect of the pandemic on the Olympics. By saying "yes" to Laurel the IOC have created a horrible situation for Laurel.

When did we stop thinking that saying "no" can be protective? Are we, as a society, doing harm to people by agreeing to pretend that humans can change sex?

It's not being kind to your DS to force him to lie - it's compelled speech.

Whenever anyone tells me I'm not being kind these days I usually say 'I am, I'm being kind to myself' because that's usually true.

Usually 'be kind' means 'women, sacrifice yourself for others'. I don't know anyone who is deliberately cruel when it would cost them nothing to be kind (I'm sure these people exist, but think they're in the minority).

Be kind is a form of bullying, I've concluded.

Your son is being kind by saying something he doesn't believe to be true already. It is really sinister the school are not supporting his right to believe the truth. I do understand the temptation to just do whatever will calm things down fastest - for the teacher and your DS - but the teacher is the responsible adult and should see the longer term consequences of this.

The other day my youngest DC (preschool) was having a tantrum because they wanted something older DC had. DH was indicating to older DC that they should maybe just give it up (it was an insignificant thing) and I said no, because even if we replaced it for older DC, that's giving younger DC the idea that it's ok for them to tantrum to get what they want and just demand older DC to give things up. That they are more important. In the short term, even older DC was wavering because everyone wanted younger DC to just shut up, frankly, but I bet we'll have fewer tantrums as a result of not giving in on this occasion.

By telling your DS off it's implicitly saying that the other child has the right to act as thought police for the other children and that is NOT ok. As far as I can tell your son had DONE nothing wrong, used preferred pronouns etc. I really think it's a slippery slope and while I appreciate your DS's point of view, he's a child. He can't be expected to make these sorts of decisions and is unlikely to see the long term consequences.

I think I'd be raising this in an email so it's on record.

We call it #bekindtoME

IMO the concept of kindness is a bit to wishy washy to be of any use as an overall philosophy. I’ve just googled it “the quality of being friendly, generous and considerate” apparently.

I think being respectful and being genuine are both better aims.

I have the same concerns @Tibtom, a very vulnerable girl who really needs to be able to say “no” in whatever form that takes, #bekind is a disaster for her because her natural instinct is to please others, teaching her to stand her ground is very tricky.

It's a repulsive, potentially dangerous platitude (especially when used to children as it can't but make them vulnerable to predatory adults).

Its implicit meaning is 'roll over and capitulate'. #BeKind to everyone else who will not #BeKind to you, and to hell with your own safety, dignity and comfort.

Fuck that noise.

@Tesla73

anyone else of the opinion that the #bekind rule only applies to females?

i dont recall seeing shops stocking t-shirts with that slogan on for boys - only girls

Really? I should be surprised, but sadly am not.

This really does make me want to puke.

OP, I would contact the teacher regardless of your child’s wish not to make a fuss.
I would calmly point out to the teacher that the right to one’s own beliefs is enshrined in law, and that neither she nor the other child can force your child to parrot beliefs they do not share.
And I would request an apology, and that she makes the legal position clear to both children, and retracts her illegal advice.
Otherwise this destruction of free speech and safe boundaries will continue, to the detriment of the whole class.

Women are always being told to “be kind”.

'Women are always being told to “be kind”.

I'm tempted to have a t-shirt printed with #BeGone.

I like Helen Joyce's Twitter bio, which ends "Show me the third gamete, and then we can talk. And no, you be kind"

If Laurel Hubbard were a real woman, she'd be socialised to #bekind to the woman she stole a place in the Olympics from. Laurel Hubbard is a cheat. Simple as.

@MarieIVanArkleStinks 🤣

I don't think 'be kind' works on a societal level. It works sometimes on an individual level eg 'be kind to your brother' but 'kind' has within it a notion that the person being kind is being nicer than is strictly necessary. It also sometimes contains the notion that the person who needs kindness is unequal.

When you apply that to large groups of people it doesn't work over a long time period.

You could possibly say 'be kind to the interns on their first day'. But imagine saying 'be kind to the black people in your office'. If there is inequality, you don't counter that by 'kindness' you sort out the inequality.

Kind is something that at (some/many) times it is OK to stop being. So you should never build a system that relies on it. Saying 'OK kids, we are all going to be kind by NEVER mentioning that X is female' just doesn't work.

Because there will be times when knowing/saying that X is female will be important.

I despair, I really do.

What sort of lesson is it teaching anyone in that classroom for a teacher to - even performatively - tell someone off for not actually believing the same thing as the child sitting next to them? Or indeed for not doing a convincing enough impression of it?

I don't think it's over dramatic to say that this smacks of religious inquisitions.

An absolute cornerstone of growing up in a free and tolerant society is learning that other people are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Are they allowed to persecute you because of your beliefs? No. But, crucially, the same is true the other way round. Are they allowed to debate those ideas themselves? Absolutely, as are you.

It involves letting go of some of your ego and internalising the fact that other people matter just as much as you do, as well as learning to value yourself as equally important and entitled to a voice as those around you. Some children need more help developing their sense of the latter, some the former.

Both are crucial parts of the development of functional, secure adults, both being undermined by the actions of that teacher. She is doing neither your son not the other children any favours.

@OvaHere

I have no sympathy for Hubbard. Regardless of IOC ruling he chose to do this. To cause havoc to a women's sport, to shatter the dreams of numerous young women by taking their places, their medals and their opportunity.

As recently as the 1990s it was legal to rape your wife. I have no sympathy for those men either, for the pain they caused just because at the time they had the law on their side.

Just because you can do something doesn't mean you should.

Yes.

I'm sure there are more than a few TW who could qualify for various women's events, but who don't - out of 'kindness' or maybe just being a rational human being with a basic grasp of fairness.

And as to the school... maybe they need reminding of the Maya ruling. Your son has a protected right to believe that the other child hasn't changed sex.

But you're right - there's very little 'kindness' in this sort of appeasement, to either side.

OP, the teacher could have asked your son what he said, then confirmed with the other child that their chosen pronouns had been used and there was no issue, move on.

No one did something wrong to apologise.

Now the other child knows they can manipulate the teacher and control your child. I would email and ask the teacher to describe and explain the apology.

@ItsyBitsyTeeny

I despair, I really do.

What sort of lesson is it teaching anyone in that classroom for a teacher to - even performatively - tell someone off for not actually believing the same thing as the child sitting next to them? Or indeed for not doing a convincing enough impression of it?

I don't think it's over dramatic to say that this smacks of religious inquisitions.

An absolute cornerstone of growing up in a free and tolerant society is learning that other people are as entitled to their opinions as you are. Are they allowed to persecute you because of your beliefs? No. But, crucially, the same is true the other way round. Are they allowed to debate those ideas themselves? Absolutely, as are you.

It involves letting go of some of your ego and internalising the fact that other people matter just as much as you do, as well as learning to value yourself as equally important and entitled to a voice as those around you. Some children need more help developing their sense of the latter, some the former.

Both are crucial parts of the development of functional, secure adults, both being undermined by the actions of that teacher. She is doing neither your son not the other children any favours.

Agree wholeheartedly with this.

I do agree with you all - my instinct is to follow it up with the school.

Only, it is the last week of term after a dreadful year. The teacher did something that I think was poor, but, I'm going to cut her some slack because my DS isn't upset or been harmed. And the other kid is a bit emotionally friable and has a lot going on, I wouldn't be surprised if they come back in August with their old name.

My son's take on his classmate is that they are attention seeking and the more drama they can generate the happier they are. He doesn't want to be dragged into the drama vortex that follows this kid around, especially at the end of term, and I think he has made a good case for ignoring this one incident.

If it happens again in the new year then I'd not let it go.

The trans issue aside, "Be kind" was coined by a woman who had recently smashed a lampshade over her sleeping partner's head. Yes, she was troubled. Yes, she needed proper professional help. But also: smashing a lampshade over someone's head (unless it is in self-defence) is abuse.

I know her partner afterwards wanted the CPS to drop the case, many victims of abuse are frightened of the further consequences if the case is NOT dropped (further meltdowns on the part of the abuser, further violence). . . But what message would dropping the case have put out? It's okay to attack someone if you are feeling upset? It's okay to attack someone if you are a well-known television personality?

I can't know for certain what Caroline F meant when she wrote "Be kind" but it sounds like she was saying "I want people to minimize my negative behaviour." And, by extension, the negative behaviour of other people.

I agree with the posters who are saying that this meme is used almost entirely against women. It really has come to mean "Shut up."

Back to something very specific in the OP's post, It's a sad state of affairs when a school class is being held hostage by the unreasonable demands of several children who are control-freaks. (As many very anxious folk are. As many people on the spectrum are. We have some in the family.) Some demands made are unreasonable and should not be enabled. Whoever is making them.

Where does "Be kind", taken at face value, lead? Why not tolerate ANY behaviour? Child abuse? Fascism? Genocide? ("I want to kill people of a different ethnicity. Why shouldn't I? It's very upsetting when you say "No" and criticise me.")

My son's take on his classmate is that they are attention seeking and the more drama they can generate the happier they are. He doesn't want to be dragged into the drama vortex that follows this kid around, especially at the end of term, and I think he has made a good case for ignoring this one incident.

He sounds very wise, and aware of his own tolerance levels at the end of a difficult year. In your shoes I’d let this one drop but keep a note if it invade you do need to tackle it again next term. I also think it’s important, where possible, to let older children have some say in your interactions with school, especially as he’ll need to deal with any fall out - like being drawn into unwanted drama.

I’ve made a similar decision about a different issue (bullying in my DS case). Usually I’d be all over it but it just came to light this week and realistically nothing will happen before the end of term and with class changes it may not be an issue next year. If it is, I’ll weigh in then.

I think picking your battles is important, if it was the start of term and likely to continue I’d challenge it but with 2 days to go it feels easier to just watch and wait, for me and my child.

Your son sounds brilliantly mature and as though he has a wonderful grasp on reality. Well done OP!

That wasn't sarcastic, in case it sounded sarcastic!!

The Hubbard thing is insane. By allowing H to participate in women's sport, the IOC, and Hubbard are being UNKIND to women and girls the world over. If I were a girl who was interested in weightlifting and saw this, I'd give up, I would. What's the point?
Not to mention to the individual woman denied a place.

DH could probably compete at olympic level in some women's sports. What about being kind to him - it would literally be the only way he could ever compete in elite sport.

Be kind only ever goes one way in this debate.

OP, it's up to you - I really understand about the shitty year etc, but if I were you I'd perhaps just send a gentle email saying you understand why they did what they did in the moment but that going forward you'd prefer this approach not be taken as it so clearly is NOT kind to your DS or anyone, really. Denying reality isn't kind.

#bekind is a truly terrible message, it opens the door to exploitation of vulnerable people and is a safeguarding issue.

Boundaries are important and there is nothing wrong with making them clear and enforcing them.

I'd go as far as saying boundaries are essential for self esteem, self respect and respect of others. Lack of boundaries often leads to painfully dysfunctional relationships.

Knowing where you end and someone else begins is important for well-being, it allows us to ask for help without having unrealistic expectations of others.