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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Whose a good enough femminist.

56 replies

Gumbomambo · 02/06/2021 18:39

I work as a part time DV councillor. I’m a SAHM most of the time. I also work with a group of women, locally that support abused women. We are able to give them and their children immediate support. We aren’t part of a charity, we have a few ladies in our group that can give immediate care. I’ve read some of the threads over the last few days and I feel like the. “Clever” feminists just don’t want us to be part of the discussion. We are all working class women and do what we can, we have baby drives, and ask our groups for kids clothes, nappies, ladies clothes, pots and pans, bedding etc . I feel like some of these threads recently have lost the plot! We are just women and we work so hard for the women and children in our community to be part of our community and given a start. I think I’m saying that a lot of the posters here would have our backs but some have just made us feel thick and stupid and not able to join the discussion. The Posie Parker thread really shocked and upset me. We just want some help. Some people seem to do feminism on Twitter we just look after the casualties. Rant over.

OP posts:
WarriorN · 04/06/2021 12:28

Nosafe you don’t need to apologise. And I’m sorry if my post upset you, I can see how it does next to yours. You deserved to be treated equally and with respect when you were seeking help.

All stereotypes are harmful. My friend has a Scottish accent. I don't know what background was. Her ex sat on her chest and pummelled her face.

My point was that her own situation, as an employed teacher, gave her more ability to physically escape him quickly (the trauma can be life long) than the women in the local community where there was generational unemployment and actually, generational 'acceptance'/ normalisation of DV. Not least as the school had a connection to local SS and the police and she had so much immediate support from them. It doesn’t minimise the effects and impact of the abuse though.

People like that post think middle class accent means need less help and have money or job but they don't realise about financial abuse and disability.

No I think the opposite. All women are at risk of male violence and abuse. Another close friend became a sahm to Gp husband and suffered extreme emotional and financial abuse, which is still continuing via the children and maintenance despite their divorce and her working part time in education. I have another friend who went to Oxford and then did an MA who had to escape an emotionally abusive marriage to an Oxford lecturer, she was a librarian. It was actually hard for them to even begin to talk about it as their husbands were so well respected. They fear being disbelieved. They also didn’t see it as abuse for a long time. (The first friend still resists my encouragement to contact women's aid about a particular current issue as she feels she won't be taken seriously due to her background and, indeed, accent.)

There are so many intersections that cause different risks and barriers to seeking and accessing help, such as, as you say, such as disability.

Women absolutely shouldn’t be judged nor treated differently. And I’m sorry you were and had to fight so hard.

nosafeguardingadults · 04/06/2021 16:14

Sorry and thank you and sorry again to post but just wanted to be clear I didn't mean middle class accent means no physical abuse and only emotional. Been nearly killed several times. Just without help when need it. Nowhere to turn and don't know who to trust. People told me they'd help with then either was a lie or change their minds and then was suddenly left with no help at all. Nowhere safe to end up long term and going to refuge made it all worse as more angry and more unsafe. Sorry don't mean to ruin this thread just feel like no way out but not posting because of me. Just feel still in your post unconscious stereotype of middle class accent less likely to be violence but not always true and if disabled complete trap no way out.

nosafeguardingadults · 04/06/2021 16:32

They try to make you stay at home don't help you leave even if you at risk of homeless or being killed or both. They do everything not to help and then you feel like more alone than ever because without partner, need support from services but they don't want to help. They act like they think you're making it up even if there's evidence and maybe because they haven't got enough time to help but they should be honest and not trick to into trying to leave if then you end up more dangerous situation and without no one to help. Sorry again just frightened because finally trusted places to help and then turns out all tricks and lies and pretence to pretend officially they help but they don't. Too scared to even ask for help now and don't see how I'll get through it. Completely left with no one fighting for me no one helping they don't care if they leave you in a more dangerous situation and no one to turn to or trust. They tell to leave but then you end up homeless so obviously you need to be back with partner but leaving makes it more dangerous. Why is it ok to encourage women like me to be homeless. We shouldn't be told to leave. Better beatings and even death than nowhere safe to live and no support. They don't care and nowhere to turn or to trust.

Sorry again. Most are wonderful kind working so hard but I experienced what it is like when it goes wrong. Destroys you as much as violence and abuse. Nothing worse than asking for help and not getting it. There's been sexual abuse but asking for help and not getting it feels sort of more violating. Humiliating and like I'm dirty bad worthless undeserving person. Sitting here today wanting a chance to start again safe but not knowing where to turn just alone with the fear and lack of safety and no one to trust.

WarriorN · 04/06/2021 18:00

Posts on social media do not always communicate effectively what the poster means.

Your experiences are absolutely horrific and you were clearly let down Thanks

WarriorN · 04/06/2021 18:01

Do you have support now?

AnnaPa · 04/06/2021 18:44

@Gumbomambo

You’re doing absolutely fantastic work, most likely saving lives in the process.

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