Help! Teen son's sexual confusion re: anime

[LizLinley]

Lovely GC women: I don't want this post to be novel-length so I'll try and be quick, but I'd really love some advice. I found Magdalen Berns about three years ago and went from a completely blinkered leftist to politically homeless. My son is 14 years old about a week ago, and I've just found materials on his (my) computer that are very disturbing, along with posts on an LGBT reddit thread saying he's confused about his sexuality.

He's a masculine, terrific boy who has social anxiety. No other markers of being gay - he's not effeminate, likes rough sports, very physical, never preferred his friends to be girls, never wanted 'girl' toys or clothes. If anything, I think he's likely terrified of girls, due to his anxiety. He simply can't imagine romance of any kind. He's not ready.

But now, LGBT Reddit has told him that because he's attracted to Link — a video game character in anime style drawn like a woman but said to be male — he might be gay. Despite saying he has crushes on girls at school (with no indications that he has any real-life attraction to boys), this LGBT board is, predictably, affirming that he must be gay, which has sent him into a rapid-flowing current of anime porn, much of it gay/trans, but all the characters being penetrated depicted as extremely feminine. The sex in this porn is typically heterosexual, but with two dicks. I know. Weird thing to say. But it's not two men. It's just not. It's a trick.

Mumsnet, what the hell do I do?? I have no issue with gay people and would love my son either way, but he's getting swept up in a highly toxic online community. I'm talking to him tomorrow and am afraid of embarrassing him; saying something to make him think I'm homophobic; god, saying anything that's the wrong thing. The porn was awful, and I'm not a prude.

I came here because GC feminists have been instrumental. Gay or straight, I trust them more than anyone, lonely as I am being a free thinking, non-woke woman in a progressive bubble. There's no one else I can talk to about this. Please help. Thanks so much.

Also - I'm so sorry if this is in the wrong place, or if there's a better place to post it. This is my first time on mumsnet and I'm very lost.

So does he know that you have an inkling? A lot of teens are ‘confused’ about their sexuality (thats as old as time) but these days the ‘advice’ they get online is just bonkers.

Link is discussed in my house regularly by all the kids because they love playing Zelda and they all want to be Link. Link looks like Peter Pan.
What’s distressing is that almost immediately he’s been groomed with the porn and it’s going to distort what he’s into... the anime and it’s more disturbing brother Hentai will often depict sex that has nothing to do with actual people but has the most contorted manifestations of it. Appalling if you are a malleable child.

Having a crush on an animated character at that age is also a sigh of immaturity and it’s this that makes them also vulnerable to the suggestive nature of the material being pushed at him. In all likelihood he doesn’t fancy Link, he just wants to BE Link and can’t stop thinking about him.

I think the narrative of boycrush and girlcrush has long been a way that people are defining the people they admire rather than actually want to have sex with.

Personally I would say to him that I’ve seen the material if it’s on your computer and having a frank and honest conversation about what is going on. Exploring his sexuality is fine and to be expected but I would be very clear about saying that when the porn is distorted like with anime, it’s confusing and not necessarily accurate to who he is. Sure he may turn out to be gay or bi but even then the kind of porn that he’s seeing isn’t going to give him a realistic expectation of women or men.

Talking about anime characters in a sexual way seems to be pushed on kids as part of this drive to desecrate their childhoods. One of my kids was told by her friends to talk about her favourite game characters in sexual ways and I was shocked when she was referring to her doll of this character as being “hot” and “my wife” when she was eight. This was the influence of the group of girls who are now all declaring themselves as gay men, confused anime porn soaked children.

Get internet blocks on ASAP. While he’s under your roof what he’s looking at can be monitored and filtered out. This includes his phone.

Ban redditt

There isn't a typical gay male.
Have you never spoken with your son about sexuality? It's a bit after the event now, but I do sometimes wonder why parents don't reassure their kids about their love and support before it's an issue (not saying you haven't OP but it's a major source of angst amongst some of DD's friends).
You're possibly overthinking this. He won't become gay if he's not actually gay
Cartoon porn is perhaps a reflection that he is becoming aware of sexual feelings but isn't ready to experience that with actual people yet?
Maybe a light conversation around porn use generally might be appropriate if you haven't broached that before? Would he be embarrassed by you talking to him - is his Dad around?

Anime porn is a bit weird and I think you're right to be concerned about what he's looking at. 14 is an impressionable age.

He’s 14. He should not be looking at porn, anime or otherwise. It might be internet control time.
Conversations about how you’re fine with him being gay if he should so happen to be in the end can be had. It’s easy enough for refer casually to his future wife or husband to make it clear you are not bothered either way.

I'd try blocking 'futa' and 'hentai' keywords on my home network for a start.

@sashagabadon

Ban redditt

This. Reddit have some real problems with moderators and their influence on the site

grahamlinehan.substack.com/p/the-grooming-gang-at-the-heart-of

Yes, I agree with pp. His sexuality is not the issue here at all, and doesn't really need to form part of the conversation you have with him. It's his use of porn which is the cause for concern.

Maybe a gentle discussion around porn and its effects on young men and their ability to enjoy a happy, healthy sex life. I just did a quick google search and there are so many articles which you might perhaps draw his attention to (many written by men who have been impacted by porn addiction) or just use to arm yourself with some facts and figures. I saw a guardian article which makes a direct link between porn use and increased anxiety around sex, which might be something of particular relevance to him.

You have much sympathy from me, OP. The teenage years have always been a bit of a parenting minefield but the internet has made it so much worse, especially as our kids are experiencing an entirely different adolescence to our pre-digital one.

Reddit has a real grooming problem, some of the moderators are very suspect.
Your son is being groomed, get him off Reddit.

I mean this in the kindest way possible but get some bloody content blockers or web restrictions in place. He should not be accessing these images at his age, full stop.
Also frank and open conversations with no judgement will help

At 14, I was incredibly curious and determined to seek content that the surrounding adults wouldn't agree with. I was also shy of girls, unsure about my body and struggling to find where I fit in. The big difference being, there was no internet back then. I had no parental figure I felt I could speak to about all this, and was envious of those children who seemed to have an open and comfortable relationship with a supportive adult. For me, if you're calmly letting him know that you're there should he wish to speak, and not making judgements, if he feels able, he'll come to you. Maybe. Possibly. Good luck.

Agree with PP about getting blocks in place asap.

If you want another good reason to do that then, at 14, he’s not going to know where the legal boundaries are for porn. The chances are that he’ll end up viewing or downloading something unlawful and if he’s tracked doing that by the Police...

This might be a terrible idea, not sure. But if you search the usernames of the people giving him advice or the mods of the communities he posts in you may find more information about them. Either on their profile page or if they’re particularly active Reddit “power user” types on other sites.

There is a good chance he’s not only talking to other teenagers, and if they’re adults they aren’t the kind of adults any teen wants to be. You might be able to show him what kind of person he’s been taking advice from.

He's a masculine, terrific boy who has social anxiety. No other markers of being gay - he's not effeminate, likes rough sports, very physical, never preferred his friends to be girls, never wanted 'girl' toys or clothes. If anything, I think he's likely terrified of girls, due to his anxiety. He simply can't imagine romance of any kind. He's not ready

He sounds like a stereotypical 'masculine' boy.........not that there is anything wrong with that ; but has he been coached into a certain way of expressing himself by his father, maybe?

I have two sons both who enjoyed 'masculine' activities as teenagers, but they also got on with girls and were liked by them. that your son sounds scared of girls is interesting?

I have spent 4-5 years on suicide watch with my sons. They have hated me and raged at me for not being tolerant. I have fully encouraged them to dress how they want and grow their hair etc. My eldest son has since come out of the other side. He was the one that shared the gross cartoon tentacle porn . He now identified as a gay man but has recently admitted he has sex with females. I don't care about the label as long as it's consenting and legal

Sounds horrendous! You will come through it, though, eventually!

I am so relieved that my children grew up before social media and anime and the lot of it was an overwhelming influence on their developing mind, sexuality etc.

I think you should talk to him about what you've found and the differences between porn sex and sex in loving relationships. I also talked to my son about the potential effects of porn on him (erectile dysfunction, wiring the brain to images rather than sensations so real sex isn't as fun etc) and I think that helped.
This is quite a useful video

He's probably very confused and if you can show him that you are "safe" to talk to and not judgemental he will know he has someone to talk to about this.

Another thing that really helped having an open relationship with my teens was watching Sex Education with them, it is funny and explores a lot of issues round teen sexuality in a way that opens debate without having to talk about you or your child's experiences. It is VERY explicit though

As someone who watched a lot of anime as an impressionable teenager I can see where your son is coming from. My parents had never heard of an internet content blocker and I used to spend hours on 4chan etc thinking I was really cool. It’s really easy to get sucked into such dark things.

The trouble is, even though I have grown up and am married with a kid etc I can never un-see what I saw and it will always colour my view of porn/sex/sexual fantasy.

TLDR my kids are not getting the internet!!

whats the big deal if hes gay. Lots of gay and bisexual guys arent effeminate. Hes not signing a contract. He can change his mind

Hopefully you have parental controls to stop most porn, but it doesnt stop what kids discuss with each other. Hes already shown hes interested in girls, and has now said to his mates that he kind of fancies a fictional character. Youre worried this is a slippery slope into sexual deviance?

Just agreeing with posters above who suggest filters on certain words and block sites such as Reddit, 4Chan, Tumblr etc. Your son has no idea who he is talking to online and what their motives are.

Just as an aside while I’m here, for any parents of younger children, please beware of some of the content on YouTube Kids.

I have just read your post again OP.
If you are going to talk to your son about this, I’m sure you will do well, but please tell him that watching porn is not for children and it is not appropriate for him or his friends (online or RL) to be sharing it. If others are making him watch it, they are not true friends.
Good luck 💐

There's a good website with advice for parents who want to talk to their kids about porn.

www.culturereframed.org/

They have free programs for parents and a number of videos.

Maybe you'll find some advice there on how to approach the issue with your son.

FWIW, I have one the same age and I would not hesitate to remove his access to the internet if he was watching porn. We talk about why it's not a good idea for him to watch it. We have also explicitly and repeatedly told him that whether he loves boys, girls or both makes no difference to our love for him.

Questioning their sexuality is normal for teens. It's only emerging and/or something they become properly aware of at this age, so I'd say have a chat about it being normal, being ok and then have a chat about not letting random people on the internet - who do not know you - tell you what or who you are.

Good luck!