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Original poster

Help! Teen son's sexual confusion re: anime

58 replies

LizLinley · 20/05/2021 05:51

Lovely GC women: I don't want this post to be novel-length so I'll try and be quick, but I'd really love some advice. I found Magdalen Berns about three years ago and went from a completely blinkered leftist to politically homeless. My son is 14 years old about a week ago, and I've just found materials on his (my) computer that are very disturbing, along with posts on an LGBT reddit thread saying he's confused about his sexuality.

He's a masculine, terrific boy who has social anxiety. No other markers of being gay - he's not effeminate, likes rough sports, very physical, never preferred his friends to be girls, never wanted 'girl' toys or clothes. If anything, I think he's likely terrified of girls, due to his anxiety. He simply can't imagine romance of any kind. He's not ready.

But now, LGBT Reddit has told him that because he's attracted to Link — a video game character in anime style drawn like a woman but said to be male — he might be gay. Despite saying he has crushes on girls at school (with no indications that he has any real-life attraction to boys), this LGBT board is, predictably, affirming that he must be gay, which has sent him into a rapid-flowing current of anime porn, much of it gay/trans, but all the characters being penetrated depicted as extremely feminine. The sex in this porn is typically heterosexual, but with two dicks. I know. Weird thing to say. But it's not two men. It's just not. It's a trick.

Mumsnet, what the hell do I do?? I have no issue with gay people and would love my son either way, but he's getting swept up in a highly toxic online community. I'm talking to him tomorrow and am afraid of embarrassing him; saying something to make him think I'm homophobic; god, saying anything that's the wrong thing. The porn was awful, and I'm not a prude.

I came here because GC feminists have been instrumental. Gay or straight, I trust them more than anyone, lonely as I am being a free thinking, non-woke woman in a progressive bubble. There's no one else I can talk to about this. Please help. Thanks so much.

OP posts:
SapphosRock · 20/05/2021 15:35

You're possibly overthinking this. He won't become gay if he's not actually gay

This. And block the porn.

Original poster
LizLinley · 20/05/2021 16:05

Just a quick note to say thank you so, so much for all of you. I'm talking to him shortly and am extremely nervous but determined to make sure he knows he is loved no matter what (which he does already) and that we are taking major steps to change how our family interacts with the internet.

His dad and I are no longer together, but he lives very nearby and is an excellent father who has never pressured him at all in terms of expectations. He and I are on the same page and he knows what's going on. Thank you thank you so much...

OP posts:
QuentinBunbury · 20/05/2021 16:07

Good luck! Hope it goes well. Poor kids having to navigate all this at such a young age. I find it confusing and I'm old Grin

Bigwave · 20/05/2021 16:13

your reasoning for thinking he's not gay because he is masculine etc is way off.. there's plenty of rugby playing hairy muscly macho gay men out there . the only reason to think he is gay is if he likes men(boys at his age) not any of the other things you list. nor will he turn gay by watching any type of anime no matter how trans they look. u either are or you aren't.

LizLinley · 20/05/2021 16:41

This reply has been deleted

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SimonJT · 20/05/2021 16:55

@Bigwave

your reasoning for thinking he's not gay because he is masculine etc is way off.. there's plenty of rugby playing hairy muscly macho gay men out there . the only reason to think he is gay is if he likes men(boys at his age) not any of the other things you list. nor will he turn gay by watching any type of anime no matter how trans they look. u either are or you aren't.
Yep. Its attitudes like OPs in society that prevents gay lads succeeding in sport. I’m a semi professional prop, I used to be fully pro, the person you love has absolutel zero impact on your personality, interests etc. Thats why people like Keegan Hirst are so important, Simon Dunn, Gareth Thomas etc are so importsnt.
Lordamighty · 20/05/2021 19:29

The important thing at the moment is to get him off these internet sites. They really are poison to the teenage brain & some very unsavoury characters are behind most of it.
If you don’t know how to block this content yourself then get someone in to do it for you.

Dontbeme · 20/05/2021 20:47

www.nspcc.org.uk/keeping-children-safe/online-safety/
www.yourbrainonporn.com

I would check these links out OP, good luck with the talk. Maybe also have a word that any adult exposing minors to pornography (as may be happening to your son) could be grooming him.

NiceGerbil · 20/05/2021 21:04

Why was OP post deleted?

ContessaVerde · 20/05/2021 22:40

.

DreamingBe · 21/05/2021 00:23

If he's into anime check over any manga he's reading as well, some of the books are pornographic but have relatively innocent cover art.

SmokedDuck · 21/05/2021 00:39

Yes, his internet access needs to be severely curtailed.

And while questioning his sexuality is normal, I don't agree that this kind of deliberate attempt to sexualise a young teen is not going to make a difference. Kids can be affected by what they see sexually when it is so abnormal and out of context and almost designed to promote a kind of disembodied sexual arousal. The anime characters don't read as "normal" men or women which you've realised I think, OP, they are a kind of deliberate mix.

Chienloup · 21/05/2021 00:51

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Clymene · 21/05/2021 05:26

@Chienloup

Your son can't be gay because he never had girls' toys (toys are for all children btw) and likes rough and tumble? Riiiighhht. You do know that the ONLY thing that indicates someone is gay is a sexual attraction to the same sex? Not what games they played as a child, not what toys they had, not what they wear, not what they look like? Please don't talk to your child about sexuality - your attitude is at best ignorant, at worst dangerous.

As for the pp who used the utterly vile term "sissified" - you disgust me.

Or because he's never shown any interest in boys which you conveniently missed out Hmm
Chienloup · 21/05/2021 08:10

As far as she knows.
I'm just pointing out the irrelevancies and OPs stereotyped views.

QuentinBunbury · 21/05/2021 08:23

OMG leave OP alone. She didn't say he wasn't gay or couldn't be gay. She said she had no cause to think he was previous to this happening - I think to illustrate the risk of him being confused by the porn, rather than any homophobia or concern that he is actually gay.

She's posted for support, not a shoeing about not being gay friendly enough. These responses are horrible and totally unnecessary.

Einszwei · 21/05/2021 08:41

I find it utterly bizarre that you think all gay men are effeminate and hate rough sport. Please educate yourself.

Feel free to talk to your son about the dangers of porn, but leave sexuality out of it. He is at an age where he will be trying to navigate his own feelings and identity.

bitheby · 21/05/2021 08:44

Hope the chat went well and yes, agree with PPs that the stereotypes of what makes someone gay are just that, stereotypes. You can be gay and masculine and sporty. It's only about sexual attraction; none of the rest of it is relevant.

It's the porn that's the problem as this could influence what turns him on for the rest of his life and he's clearly distressed about it. Lots of boys are suffering due to what they're viewing online not to mention the girls or boys they go on to have real relationships with.

Ereshkigalangcleg · 21/05/2021 08:47

As for the pp who used the utterly vile term "sissified" - you disgust me.

This isn't a reference to being gay. It's a reference to a particular type of online porn culture.

AdHominemNonSequitur · 21/05/2021 08:58

Sexuality may be fixed but paraphilias sure as shit develop based on formative experiences. I'd advise you invest in a gryphon router and block the anime porn and keep an eye on internet activity. I'd add Reddit to the block list. It's not a human right for a 14 year old to be able to access any site they want.

Our gryphon router repeatedly blocks anime sites because it picks up on malware security threats. (Usually when a particular friend of my daughter's uses our WiFi) It was one of the best purchase decisions we have made. Just them knowing you are able to see the sites they visit is useful.

Chienloup · 21/05/2021 09:17

@Ereshkigalangcleg

As for the pp who used the utterly vile term "sissified" - you disgust me.

This isn't a reference to being gay. It's a reference to a particular type of online porn culture.

But the word sissy is deeply misogynistic.
bitheby · 21/05/2021 09:34

Sissy is a whole genre of porn though and straight men can be into it. It doesn't make someone gay to be into that and it doesn't make them trans.

The only person I know in real life with this fetish is deeply conflicted over it and it causes him psychological stress. If I had a chance to protect someone from discovering this at the same time as discovering their sexuality then I absolutely would do. Why risk associations being formed between extreme material and arousal?

Ereshkigalangcleg · 21/05/2021 09:40

Yes it is misogynistic. But that's the term the people who like the specific fetish porn use. It's a reference to that culture and it's bound up with liking hentai etc for many young males. Can you suggest a better way of getting across the same idea? The poster was talking about her own sons, and their online activity which ultimately ended in a police visit.

ChiefBabySniffer · 21/05/2021 10:36

@Chienloup

You are showing how little you know about this area of porn. I didn't name it "sissification" for gods sake. It's misogynistic? You mean like the vast majority of porn is? No shit Sherlock. But thanks for wading in on something you know balls all about to tell me I disgust you..... especially after I have laid out some of the most agonisingly painful, embarrassing and worrying things that have ever gone on with my children just so I could help the op see how this can get out of hand.

WinterTrees · 21/05/2021 10:50

ChiefBabySniffer I think that particular poster was a example of the phenomenon often seen in this parish of ignorant soundbite righteousness butting up against experience, insight and expertise. It's often topped off with an unintentionally ironic 'educate yourself.' Such contributions highlight the vast intelligence gulf between the mantra-chanting 'do better' crowd and women who are living with the real consequences of this misogynistic shit.

Your posts are extremely valuable. I imagine they will be read by many lurkers who will, as a result, be more equipped to deal with similar problems in their own families. As with many people who share their painful experiences here, you'll never know how many people you've helped.

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