How to approach trans chat with DC

[ScreamALullaby]

First time OP on this board, but a long term lurker. I’m a regular name changer, but have been here for years. I love this board, and it has really opened my eyes to many things that I was vaguely aware of, but perhaps hadn’t fully realised the full extent and implications of.

I’m after advice on how to approach the subject of transitioning with my young (under 10) DD. I’ve been struggling with how to approach this for some time - really since I was randomly asked by another parent if she identified as a boy. I highly doubt this, she seems happy as a girl and is vocal about being a girl, but basically hates dresses and has the temerity to have short hair, so people assume she must want to be a boy

I really don’t want to drip feed but also am keen to not be too identifying. Basically, how do I tackle this? I want her to know that being trans is not the only option for her, but also am worried that she’ll face abuse and/or pressure to conform particularly as she gets older. How would you approach this?

Has your child mentioned anything or is she just happy with short hair and looking vaguely boyish?
Do you need to talk about transitioning if that's not something she wants to do?

@dementedpixie

Has your child mentioned anything or is she just happy with short hair and looking vaguely boyish? Do you need to talk about transitioning if that's not something she wants to do?

Agree with this. I had short hair for a while until late primary school and was sometimes mistaken for a boy. I've never identified as a boy or felt in any way that I wanted to be one. It was simply a case of wanting short hair and not liking dresses for a period of time.

She's happy afaik, and certainly hasn't mentioned any discomfort on her part regarding her own sex. I don't think she is transgender, I have no concerns that she is, but since being asked by someone else if she was transgender, my concern is that other people - including her peers, as she gets older - will make her feel pressured into thinking she is (rather than just being a tomboy).

I want to talk to her about it so she realises that not wanting to wear dresses etc is okay and doesn't necessarily make her trans, if that makes sense.

My daughter is a similar age and very gender non conforming. Everyone thinks she is a boy. The best thing to do I think is not to approach this directly - I never sit her down and “have a chat”. I do a lot of GNC role modelling (it’s hard at the moment in celeb culture as so many of them have transitioned, but she reads a lot so that makes it a lot easier). We talk a lot in the family about how gender stereotypes are bad. I keep a very close and watchful eye on what her primary school are up to and especially any outside agencies they get in. I’ve checked out their RsE resources.

PM me if you want more information or a longer chat. I’m also involved in various parent groups around this issue because there is a longer backstory I’m not sharing here as too outing.

I see what you mean. When I had my short hair phase it was the nineties so completely different to now. It's bizarre that someone would ask if she's transgender, but I completely get why you'd want to have a conversation about it in case someone else brings it up directly with your DD.

My DD had short hair and dressed like a boy for about four years. At no point did she ever want to be a boy. By 16 she was a fully fledged emo skater girl in mini skirts DMs and fish nets with a skater boyfriend. I’d just let your daughter be who she wants to be.

@NowtSalamander thanks for this - I hadn't thought to check what exactly her school is covering. I'll have a nose about now.

I think I am just letting her be who she wants to be, I'm just worried other people won't, by them assuming she is transgender (as I've already experienced). I want to try to make her aware of this before she actually encounters it herself so she is better able to manage it on her own.

I think the important thing is to constantly make clear that girls can wear what they like, girls can be great at maths, girls can love sport, girls can be more interested in football than horses.

I think if people suggest to her later that she might be a boy, I'd hope her answer would be 'Why on earth would I think that?'.

When you know girls can wear what they want, fancy girls or boys, love skateboarding and or fashion, then the question of 'Perhaps I'm a boy?' just doesn't arise.

@picklemewalnuts we've always tried to do that, and have noticed that she now questions why things are presented otherwise (she noticed the other day that there were no women or girls in a particular TV show which we'd not noticed, and were really pleased she was aware of it).

But I worry it's not enough. I worry about the effect of peers on her in her teenage years, and can see how she might be swayed to think that's what she wants.

OP, be prepared for an influx of posters who monitor these threads for “wrongthink” and will try to tell you that your child is almost certainly transgender, and that refusing to validate them makes you a bad parent.

@Warmduscher thanks. It had crossed my mind that might happen, but I was hoping for some decent advice first. It's that kind of blanket thinking without knowing the full story that makes me worried about how people are going to be around DD in the first place.

Make sure you introduce her to other women who are a bit gender non conforming as much as possible

Why would trans come into it? She’s just a girl who seems to have some interests that don’t neatly fit within female gender stereotypes. Like most girls, and adult women, I know.

Surely all you need to do is support her whatever her interests /preferences are, and ensure she never thinks that if girls /women like X, or do Y, or look like Z, that must mean they’re not a woman.

I wasn't saying I'd not had any decent advice btw, I just meant before any deluge of people telling me I'm wrong about DD!

Thanks @Branleuse, that's definitely something I could do and it could be a good thing to mention to her.

@Wigeon I agree totally, that's my point. I don't think trans DOES come into it, but unfortunately, as I've already seen, other people seem quite keen to pigeonhole her. As I've said, I accept her for who she is, but other people don't!

I think you're sensible to talk to her about the issues in a relaxed way now because I think it will inevitably come up in high school. It seems sad that that is the case but that is my experience. My son is 11 and has long hair and dislikes football. We have always made it clear that he can have any hairstyle, wear any colour, play with any toy, fancy who he likes etc and he is still a boy. He has always accepted this. He started high school in Sept, got new friends and now is starting to question whether he shares these views or not. I am glad I got to share my beliefs earlier as he is less and less likely to be influenced by me now, but at least he knows that there is another view on the transgender ideology. I won't push it now as I think that is not helpful as he is developing his own ideas, but it will be in the back of his mind I hope.

@Moorlander thanks for sharing - that is exactly my concern. And I want to make sure she hears it from me first, so like you say, she is at least aware of a different point of view. I know that once she gets to her teen years I may lose that influence and anything I say has the potential to be rejected just by nature of it being a parental opinion!

I've always worked really hard to make sure she knows people don't have to conform to gender stereotypes, but I think I need to be really clear about this for her. I think I'm just going to deal with it head on - but in a casual way.

I worry about the effect of peers on her in her teenage years, and can see how she might be swayed to think that's what she wants

Then thats the fundamental problem that you should focus on. You've already made it clear she can wear what she wants, and to be kind to others. Teaching them about peer pressure is about how its ok to have personal boundaries, even of others don't agree with them, and to have resilience to consequenses.
For kids to have boundaries they need to be able to hear and receive the word 'no', that 'no' is not a rude word. As they get older they can learn more sophisticated strategies so they dont stand out so much but also dont get dragged along.

I taught mine that its OK to not go with the flow, just because everyone else is. You can do your own thing, that people who pressure you to do things their way and threaten consequenses if you don't aren't real friends.
I reminded them why we don't buy friends with sweets or toys, and that peer pressure is just another attempt to force you to buy friendship, the payoff is approval, but its fake.

I taught them about peer pressure and how it works, for example when you are being pressured to use drugs or alcohol. You might want to try the drugs or alcohol, and if thats the case you need to do it sensibly, and not overdo it until you are aware of how they affect you.

It's all right teaching them to resist peer pressure if it's a one off thing they wouldn't normally consider (here, have a drink, one won't hurt).
Not so easy when it's constant including in the media etc and teens are being told "your parents are so old fashioned"

Tbh I wish I'd been more aware of this issue when my (now nearly 16yo) gender non-conforming dd was younger and beginning to conform less, so that I'd been able to anticipate and maybe encourage her to think a bit more before plunging into very woke TWAW pro-trans rights views. She is not trans, as far as I am aware, but I am extremely wary of talking about the subject with her at all, for fear of a huge row which might push her towards things she can't turn back from.

Don't make a big thing of it, OP, but also don't make the mistake of allowing her to be influenced by everyone else except you (especially once she is old enough to have access to social media, which willcone around faster than you think).It's really important for you to assure her that preferring short hair and not liking dresses makes her no less of a girl than any other girl on the planet. And maybe pointing out how insane it is that women fought for generations for equality,only to be told in 2021 that wearing dresses and having long hair is what makes you a woman.

They may just be a tomboy but it's so hard to tell when there's so much going around these days. I'd maybe try and do some more feminine stuff with them and see how they take to it?

@JennyinWales

They may just be a tomboy but it's so hard to tell when there's so much going around these days. I'd maybe try and do some more feminine stuff with them and see how they take to it?

Why? Speaking as a woman who works in STEM, lives in jeans & has a Grade 2 haircut, whether or not a girl likes ‘feminine’ stuff has nothing to do with her sex. It just means she doesn’t necessarily conform to tired old misogynist gender stereotypes.

And you’re misgendering the OP’s daughter with ‘they’. Isn’t that literal violence?

@EmpressWitchDoesntBurn I was just trying to give some advice since they were worried. I didn't see you share any advice so why don't you tell everyone what would work? As for using they, you're nitpicking I know they're a girl.