Polyamory

[HelpMeRhondaYeah]

So Willow Smith says she's polyamorous.

www.bbc.co.uk/news/newsbeat-56852099

My first thought about these labels is that they always seem driven by males. But in this case, I wondered whether possibly polyamory actually does benefit women more... evolutionarily, this isn't ideal for men in all ways - they can't know a child is going to be theirs (so allocate resources accordingly). Also, it's women, not men, who get more sexually bored by monogamy. I'm sure this has been covered before, but I'd be interested to hear people's thoughts.

@lazylinguist

I'm just wondering when Newsbeat decided to focus so much on celebrities and whom they like having sex with tbh.

Good lord I thought you meant newsround for a second

Me too!

I thought Will and Jada Smith were polyamorous aren't they? Sounds like Willow is just copying her parents in a thoroughly normal way, though it sounds like hard going at her age. In the 50s my mum just dated a lot as a university student, nothing was exclusive until you agreed that it was, nobody had responsibilities to each other early on.

In theory I like the idea of more than one partner and think it has potential for women, but having tried it a bit, I found it extremely difficult, I think because I have quite a hierarchical cast of mind and disliked the way I ended up ranking my partners, one as more important than others. I'm sure proper poly people don't do that, though I see a lot of references to 'primary' and 'secondary' relationships and think that's pretty horrible. Formal polyamory sounds as if you spend a lot of time negotiating, and I've never liked committee meetings.

@LibertyMole

A global pandemic is not great time to be in a polycule.

mist "Good lord I thought you meant newsround for a second" so did I

I can't really see any benefits at all.

I'm slightly worried for the 'youth of today' that they could end up feeling like they have to go along with this.

I found it extremely difficult, I think because I have quite a hierarchical cast of mind and disliked the way I ended up ranking my partners, one as more important than others. I'm sure proper poly people don't do that, though I see a lot of references to 'primary' and 'secondary' relationships and think that's pretty horrible.

I don't think there's a thing as a 'proper poly person' although some types of poly people try to push their views as somehow more authentic or moral or superior to others.

There are two broad categories or approaches to polyamory - hierarchical and non-hierarchical / egalitarian.

I don't think relationships work out well in the long-term if you are trying to mix both types. Hierarchical approaches work best if everyone involved is happy with it rather than secretly harbouring dreams of some kind of utopian dynamic where everyone is 'equal'. It's quite naive and not pragmatic in my opinion, especially when children / families are involved. Everyone has priorities and responsibilities in their lives, and hierarchical dynamics work best if those involved set clear, definite boundaries on what they are or aren't able to commit to.

I see a lot of comments about sex but this seems to misunderstand what poly means. The meaning is in the name - many loves. Those I know who are poly are interested in having romantic or emotional connections with more than one person. If you're just interested in having sex with more than one person you would be non-monogamous not poly. I think people still use the term open relationship if they have a primary partner but have sex with others. I think typifying poly people as just being about having multiple sex partners is unfair.

I see a lot of comments about sex but this seems to misunderstand what poly means. The meaning is in the name - many loves. Those I know who are poly are interested in having romantic or emotional connections with more than one person.

I find the idea of multiple concurrent romantic relationships far worse, more potentially damaging, more unappealing and less comprehensible than the idea of multiple concurrent sexual partners though.

Besides, a romantic relationship is essentially a sexual relationship (with rare exceptions, I guess). We love all kinds of people- our friends, family members etc. What sets so-called romantic love apart is surely the sexual element. I don't see how 'unfair judgement' comes into it - that would presuppose that it's somehow superior or more acceptable to have feelings for multiple partners, rather than just having sex with them. And I don't think that's the case.

I was polyamorous for all of my 20s and a great deal of my 30s but I'm married with kids now 🤣🤣🤣 never heard of this person and couldn't care less who she shags tbh.

Thanks JustTurtles that does indeed sound like a good way to manage the relationships in your situations.

@lazylinguist I didn't say that sex wasn't involved, just that it's not the primary aim of poly. And I didn't use the phrase unfair judgment either - I said that typifying poly as being all about sex was unfair. It is. Not that there's anything wrong with wanting multiple sexual partners. Or anything wrong with being monogamous. I wasn't putting poly on a pedestal - I think it can work for some people that's all. It should be whatever setup works for the individual.

This thread is a masterclass in reactionary conservatism.

@Shizuku

This thread is a masterclass in reactionary conservatism.

I know a couple of older poly people - neither is very content as their various partners have now all moved on and found long-term relationships and lockdown has made it harder for them to meet people. I'm too busy enjoying my own sex life to care about what other people do sexually as long as they aren't trying to make me do it or make kids do it. However, the idea of Polyamorous Greens as some kind of political sexual group gives me the ick.

What is the story in Polymory?

Person has multiple partners. They are bisexual. Sorry but is that actually ‘news’?

I’m sure there has ever been people like this. Yaaaaawn.

This thread is a masterclass in reactionary conservatism.

No, it's just people with opinions about what constitutes something newsworthy and about whether polyamory would appeal to them or not. No kind of 'ism' needed. You can embrace whatever relationship style you wish, Shizuku, without any need to sneer at anyone who doesn't fancy it and doesn't see the need for you to announce it in the media.

😆😆 at Newsround. Imagine that?! How would John Craven have announced such things in the 80s?

“Come back at the same time tomorrow for another episode of Bananaman. Now, it’s time for John Craven’s Newsround.”

🎶Bi bi bi bi bi di bi bi🎶

“Hello. Kylie Minogue is now fucking Michael Hutchence. It seems she really should be so lucky .”

I couldn’t give two shits about a minor celebrity announcing their intention to shag several people, and cannot fathom how it’s worthy of an announcement and a news story on the BBC FFS.

If anyone wants to be poly, then it's up to them, all power to their elbow. What I find dull is those who endlessly tell me they are poly, make it a substitute for having a personality, and try to present it as somehow morally superior to monogamy.

I used to quite fancy John Craven.

For anyone this works for that's absolutely great, no judgement, we all need different things from relationships. I've noted a few men on dating sites stating they were 'poly'. What I imagined from that was that it was either a euphemism for cheating on their partners, or a way for them to try their luck in being allowed to cheat on you with as many women as they wanted, but you couldn't get upset about it because they'd been upfront about it from the start. Neither of which seemed like a good deal to me.

@Shizuku

This thread is a masterclass in reactionary conservatism.

Really? I'm poly as I've said upthread and I've not seen this. Mostly people have been either a) interested in how it works practically or b) interested in whether it is always fair for women considering traditional power dynamics in relationships but mostly c) think it's hilarious that multiple relationships is either new or news. I think there's been maybe one judgey post, two including yours.

@Shizuku

This thread is a masterclass in reactionary conservatism.

It's funny* you see it that way! Quite a lot of it reads as the opposite. Shagging more than one partner is not a new concept. What is new is the insistence of the boxes and labels and the insistence of this being newsworthy. If anything, it is this new way of obsessing about it which belies a Conservative, almost puritanical streak (not all of which is necessarily bad. The recent past wasn't a great time for women either).

Was it Abigail Shrier or someone else who discovered young people were having a lot less sexual contact than they used to? And yet popular culture is ever more sexualised. It's a weird paradox.

*actually it's quite old fashioned of you... Women who opposed porn for example always used to be painted as Conservative or prudes. Despite the fact porn consumption gives men death grip problems and leads to less shagging and crap sex! Maybe some those women opposed porn cos they actually enjoyed sex - just a thought!

Indeed. I read an interview with uni students recently where it was clear the students badging themselves as poly were having considerably less sex than those not badging themselves.

I remember something similar from being in my 20s - friends who talked about sex "outrageously" all the time tended actually to be the ones who were struggling with it in some way. The people having fulfilling sex lives felt no need to go on about it, or to present their sexual selves to the world at large.

Indeed. I read an interview with uni students recently where it was clear the students badging themselves as poly were having considerably less sex than those not badging themselves.

That makes sense.

Without naming anyone, my observation is that the relationship between an individuals 'sex appeal' and being polygamous or being a proponent of unusual relationship structures or niche sexual practices, is inversely proportional.

I find it hard enough to find even one man worth shagging tbh.