Ok so eventually starting my own thread on this as I seem to chip in on other threads but with a obvious need to chat.
I’ll try to cut a long painful story short, although obviously context is everything (and sometimes nothing).
My life time feminism is fairly (well, very) anti prostitution/lap dancing.
If I was asked or if I read it on here I was say I have/had an absolute hard line in the sand about it in a partner- whether current or past.
I’ve been with my partner a few years, we don’t live together or share children.
I am in love with him, he’s decent, kind, intelligent, calm, sensitive, blah blah. He is not a meat head.
Almost a year into our relationship, I probed. And got info that devastated me.
Two decades ago, two prostitutes (in UK, in a group visiting a brothel after nights out). Never went with them again, not his thing (although maybe that takes one visit to work out?!). Also around that same time was a regular “drinker” in a lap dancing club. Just the one club (apparently). With mates, allegedly no dances (I know). Just opposite where they lived and his flat share was a regular, so they went to drink. Went for a few months in a group and says has never been to one since (I know).
He worked in an industry where this sort of thing was common, and also went with women (friends and even a girlfriend, double grim).
So, if you told me this story I would say, no way, doesn’t matter when, it’s unforgivable. The brothel. Obviously lap dancing to me has always been totally grim and the sanitised face of the industry, but I do realise 20 years ago for some people and industries it may have felt more normalised.
I’m not necessarily wanting people to persuade me it’s ok to live with this or not (although it's mumsnet so feel free 😁). I also realise LTB (I almost did at the time of the reveal) would be my response. I don’t think I’m necessarily looking for advice on what action to take.
I’m really interested in whether anyone who considers themselves a radical feminist has managed to live with knowledge about the past such as this, and whether you feel men (or anyone) can change that much. And if so, how did you integrate it?
For info, he did defend both things a little when he told me - not in a way that he wanted to or would do it again, or was proud of it, but in the sense that the lap dancing was just a bit of thoughtless meaningless opportunistic hedonism/fun (I know, gross). Of it’s time. Curiosity. Knew the owners. Thing is, if it had been a couple of drunken peer pressured stag nights I could probably deal with that, but it was a few times weekly, for months.
Obviously like every other 'busted' punter ( in the history of the world ever) story about the brothel... he was dragged to it inebriated (I know), his work mates (who were regulars) paid for them all. There were other “mitigating” factors too but that’s probably enough for here.
Most of the time I live with it, we’ve deconstructed it, he knows and honours my feelings, I don’t have any worries that he would do either again....he’s also quite a different man than he was 20 years ago. In all sorts of ways.
1% of the time. Well. You know. I feel it could be ultimately unforgivable for me. That knowledge. That whatever the circumstances, a woman who didn’t actually want to, did, for money. And he knew that, albeit when younger and less “conscious”.
On darker days it still feels ultimately deeply very rotten...