Is masking a survival instinct?

[YouWerePrettyIWasLonely]

I've been thinking about ASD and girls ( I've banged on about undiagnosed ASD girls a lot over the years and various name changes) . During lockdown my dd and I could happily stop masking and the relief from the exhaustion is immense.

Its widely reported that girls go undiagnosed because they mask their traits better but I'm wondering why this is a female thing. Obviously the main trait is having difficulty reading social situations and subtle cues. This difficulty leaves these girls and women vulnerable. We already know that there's a huge problem with rape culture, going back centuries and that sexualisation of girls starts young. Any vulnerability can and is exploited. So is masking a way to appear neurotypical to protect from rape culture and fit in with the pack ( protection in numbers) and why is it not so common in ASD boys?

Having both an ASD son and daughter, I can see the huge effect of female socialisation on her. There's a whole list of things which are more 'acceptable' for him to do, and a whole list of things which she's supposed to be worried about.

You could argue that becoming a trans boy is the most extreme way of masking the vulnerability of being an ASD girl.

I never thought of it like that but yes it would make sense. It offers the protection of a pack and also makes sense of "differences".

Being quite a hippyish and non conforming family dd really only masks at school and we've been very open in what masking is. I can easily see how being undiagnosed and conforming she could deduce she is trans. Her interests, style, preferences are of the stereotypes associated with males.

I don't understand masking. Do you mind me asking what sort of things you do when you mask and what you do when you don't? What was it you could stop doing in lockdown behaviour wise?

Mask or continually end up in difficult situations. There’s a much larger weight of expected social behaviour and understanding of nuance on girls/women. It begins getting more difficult with peers at about 8 and gets harder every year.

www.spectrumnews.org/features/deep-dive/costs-camouflaging-autism/

This is quite good at explaining it. It’s a bit like continually translating in your head what goes in and what comes out. Like being in a interview level of consciousness but for every interaction.

Not sure it is only or mainly about rape risk, but certainly a safety in numbers element. I think there is a bit of a tit-for-tat thing in attention to other women that means you are either 'in' or 'out' if there is an unspoken tipping point consensus in a group where women hold sway. Men may compete more for attention from some women, without a huge amount to lose socially, whatever the women's attention to them/ liking/ social behaviour may be.

Its like trying to translate everything going on around you into a language you understand and then translate yourself into a language they understand but no ones taught you the language and you have to learn it as you go along but are expected to be at the same level as native speakers.

@YouWerePrettyIWasLonely

Its like trying to translate everything going on around you into a language you understand and then translate yourself into a language they understand but no ones taught you the language and you have to learn it as you go along but are expected to be at the same level as native speakers.

And the rules keep changing and it’s impossible to know which ones apply.

Not to mention it’s doing all of that at the same time as sensory overload is going on. But only for you. Not anyone else.

Something like sitting in an interview in a second language while wearing an itchy jumper, with lights flickering, weird smells and an intermittent nearby trombone player. All of which is undetectable to everyone else.

I would describe it as constantly trying to be someone else in a play. Imagine a film character that you really admire and think is good at handling life in the film, and you have her role in a stage production.

Except no-one gave you the script and you didn't get a chance to rehearse. You only find out you've got your lines wrong when the audience boo you.

It's like that whenever other people are around. Every emotion or reaction you have has to be filtered through "What Would Film-Heroine Do Now" and you have a constant, well-founded fear of what will happen if you slip up and respond too spontaneously.

I don't know that it's true that boys mask less. My ds1 masks more than me. Hence, 'asd traits' rather than a diagnosis of autism.
I would think that in the same way girls struggle to get a diagnosis, boys who mask will struggle.

I think masking is about lots of different kinds of safety.
For girls I think that masking and echopraxis could sometimes look like going along with sexual behaviour that is unwanted.
So it could lead to being more vulnerable.
Plus the huge risk of suicide.

I mask because I got tired of being bullied and mocked - it has nothing to do with rape culture.

Really interesting thread.

Perhaps all girls are expected to mask, with that being a much bigger task for girls with ASD.
'Boys will be boys', they get a lot longer to learn to moderate their behaviour around others.

Hmm.. Still don't quite get it - though I wonder if that is me. I have never quite fitted in socially and accept that. People think I am very clever - I probably am but not very quick processing so although I think things through more deeply I arrive after everyone else has moved on IYKWIM. Your interview analogy is hard too as I find interviews easier than most social interactions as the rules are more straightforward. At least I have learnt when people laugh at my Tibtom-ism they are mostly doing so kindly. So I guess I struggle with the concept of masking to fit in as I don't understand how you do that.

DS1 has Asperger’s/ADHD and, when he was diagnosed, the clinical psychologist said ‘I think we’ve got a masker here’. It’s not sex specific.

Having said that, DS1 doesn’t seem to have the same level of anxiety and exhaustion that I felt throughout my childhood (I’m undiagnosed but 99% sure I’m similar to DS1 in terms of profile).

I wonder if girls internalise their sensory stuff a lot more, and boys are able to meet their sensory needs with their behaviour? DS1 is always chewing/spinning/jumping. I just always had a knot in my stomach/chattering teeth because I was trying to hide how freaked out I was by everyday life.

For me it was realizing the judgment and even shame that came from certain behaviors, so I quickly learned to hide them. I’ve never felt like it had anything to do with sexism or rape culture.

Its an interesting theory. It makes a lot of sense. Especially with the number of undiagnosed girls transitioning.

I have noticed that many boys mask well at school until year 4 and girls until year 7 then struggle more to keep it going (my son literally imploded and was diagnosed with ptsd from the stres of masking at school) i dont know why there is that age gap trend and a difference in the way the difficulties show up though.

I do think there are a lot of things my son needs to do like spend time alone, focus on a hobby and do certain types of exercise that society gets a bit fed up with gjrls who do the same. We are supposed to be with other people being kind all the time.

Masking or performing as being neurotypical can lead to high anxiety levels. It's not surprising that OP, you it found lockdown easier to handle. Girls and women are better at masking. Perhaps because it's more important that they fit in more?

I think girls with ASC are also more vulnerable because they are less likely to be diagnosed and, their ASC behaviours are different to boys. eg they want to please more.

However, as a mum to a DS with ASC I can say that he finds masking exhausting and has had problems in school and his anxiety levels are high.

Oh, the ASC children I've taught and know personally tend to be easily led too.

In my case it had nothing to do with rape culture but everything to do with fitting in. However I think finding it harder to detect the intentions of others creates a greater vulnerability. When I was younger I tended to believe what people told me.
The explanation of masking as having to translate simultaneously while dealing with sensory overload no one else is aware of is spot on and it is utterly exhausting. I have found lockdown stressful in many ways but I certainly don't miss having to put on a front in social situations

My interview analogy was aimed at neurotypicals .

I like an interview myself. I’d rather do that, or sit an exam, or pretty much anything that is structured rather than unstructured.

I’m told this is not the case with neurotypicals who appear to enjoy unstructured interactions

If girls do this more than boys, I don't imagine it would be a socialised difference.

I think I misunderstood! I thought it was wearing masks in covid! It's something I don't know about that you're talking about.

We all wear masks though in life don't we? To an extent.

I have found it really nice in a way having to wear a mask for covid. As a girl/ woman your face gets judged so much. Smile! Etc.

It's nice to be a bit hidden.

I know that's not what you asked. As someone with no experience. My guess would be that the masking you talk about, would be much stronger in girls. We are observed and judged so much more.

I am not sure I would say it is a product of rape culture specifically but it is out of an instinct to hide a vulnerability.

In my opinion girls are expected to be way more chatty when interacting. My husband is autistic too and remembers hanging out and playing video games and not having to talk much at all. Men in general would be considered stoic, strong silent types but people consider a quiet woman as strange in my experience or at least take it as a challenge and insist you "come out of your shell."

Yeah, I think OP has a point. Masking isn’t exclusively female but autistic girls do it a lot more, and ‘it is less safe to stand out while female’ is a compelling reason why.

Autism often comes with a dollop of impaired danger sense, which again, disproportionately impacts girls if they have just been left to intuit when someone is being sexually inappropriate around them.