Is masking a survival instinct?

[YouWerePrettyIWasLonely]

I've been thinking about ASD and girls ( I've banged on about undiagnosed ASD girls a lot over the years and various name changes) . During lockdown my dd and I could happily stop masking and the relief from the exhaustion is immense.

Its widely reported that girls go undiagnosed because they mask their traits better but I'm wondering why this is a female thing. Obviously the main trait is having difficulty reading social situations and subtle cues. This difficulty leaves these girls and women vulnerable. We already know that there's a huge problem with rape culture, going back centuries and that sexualisation of girls starts young. Any vulnerability can and is exploited. So is masking a way to appear neurotypical to protect from rape culture and fit in with the pack ( protection in numbers) and why is it not so common in ASD boys?

This is a really complex area and I wish I could verbally chat about this rather than clumsily post on a forum!

We must be careful imo about linking autism "traits" (not sure why I don't like that word) to sex or stereotyping them.

Women and girls have been woefully under diagnosed wrt asd and certainly many more of them seem to be able to "cope" or mask in mainstream schools. Sen schools (I teach in one) with children with asd are full of boys. (I mention schools as that's how many children get referrals.)

At the same time I see many boys who also are capable of "masking;" in fact out of a boy and a girl who were twins, the boy was more capable than the girl, who suffered hugely from social anxiety.

I also know of men who were late diagnosed due to their ability to attempt to fit in.

I do feels it's better to say "these are the types of things we may see in a child or adult with autism." And it may be that more girls than boys are able to mask, but over all to "gender" the behaviour is still going to do a disservice to boys or girls who do the opposite of the stereotype.

My niece is undiagnosed as she's in a country where, due to her academic ability, it was better to stay in mainstream and a diagnosis would have put her in sen, and yet she's unable to "mask." She struggles in social situations, appropriate boundaries and conversations. Social problem solving.

She does "fit in" with female gender stereotypes though. She is calm and quiet and likes flowery dresses, long hair etc. If she didn't, I think she'd stand out even more.

There's an observation I've made over the years regarding the boys we have who are diagnosed autistic, especially those who come in to us from mainstream around year 3,4,5. They often also have adhd and can have a lot of difficulty managing their feelings, angry outbursts and lots of issues with concentration. We do also have girls diagnosed with both but again, it seems to be more common with boys.

So I think boys often get more referrals in primary due to additional issues that make the way our learning environments are set up very hard to access (OTs and SALT tell me they work with far more boys than girls.)

One boy I taught who later wanted to be a girl was extremely socially able and enjoyed playing with the girls in his class (who weren't autistic, moderate learning difficulties.) he was only diagnosed with autism after the Tavistock saw him. If he was an actual girl he wouldn't have ever be diagnosed till much later and would likely have been described as "masked really well."

Definitely widening the awareness of what types of difficulties a child or adult with autism can have is really important, especially for our girls. A colleague's daughter who's taught in our school for a very long time has recently been diagnosed with autism, after years of difficulties and anorexia. My colleague had a set idea about autism and was surprised. (But even Tony Attwood didn't recognise autism in his son.)

Nc in case colleagues reading!

If I don’t mask I get treated as a freak and outsider, even by other women. I get ignored, laughed at, excluded and most recently kicked out of a group chat because I admitted having ASD and being unable to follow so many messages (only admitted because I was called rude for never responding, except how the fuck are you supposed to respond when the convo moves so fast?!?).

Masking is a survival instinct, but it’s not just against men. It’s against women too.

The social pressures of school are the hardest thing for someone with autism to cope with.

I do think society holds girls up in a higher lens, to higher "standards" than boys.

@CatsHairEverywhere2

If I don’t mask I get treated as a freak and outsider, even by other women. I get ignored, laughed at, excluded and most recently kicked out of a group chat because I admitted having ASD and being unable to follow so many messages (only admitted because I was called rude for never responding, except how the fuck are you supposed to respond when the convo moves so fast?!?).

Masking is a survival instinct, but it’s not just against men. It’s against women too.

I'm sorry, that sounds exhausting and awful

Just to come back to this point:

So is masking a way to appear neurotypical to protect from rape culture and fit in with the pack ( protection in numbers) and why is it not so common in ASD boys?

I think it is as common in boys but boys are not as much at threat of sexual assault in contexts such as schools and out and about in society (obviously possibly are in other situations or residential contexts.)

Autism often comes with a dollop of impaired danger sense, which again, disproportionately impacts girls if they have just been left to intuit when someone is being sexually inappropriate around them.

I think this is key. Masking isn't a direct response to rape culture.

Any child or adult with autism who doesn't fit the social mould is at risk of emotional and physical harm in societies who do not accept differences.

Or deliberately manipulate those differences.

A colleague's daughter who's taught in our school for a very long time has recently been diagnosed with autism, after years of difficulties and anorexia.

The there is a definite link between ASC and eating disorders. A high number of girls, especially, with anorexia, for example, exhibit ASC behaviours. This could be due to many being rigid with what they eat anyway as many people with ASC have sensory issues around texture and taste. Added to this is the obsessive thinking that can occur as part of ASC. It may also be because anorexia helps in coping with the high levels of anxiety.

www.spectrumnews.org/opinion/autism-and-eating-disorders-may-have-an-emotional-connection/

I think this is key. Masking isn't a direct response to rape culture.

Any child or adult with autism who doesn't fit the social mould is at risk of emotional and physical harm in societies who do not accept differences.

I agree with this. Masking is a survival tool to help fit in with society's expectations.

I have ASD. I mask exceptionally well (scored almost full marks on the screening test for masking behaviours that was used at my assessment, compared to scoring strongly (well above average for autistic women) for ASD traits on the other screening tests).

I don't have a set opinion, but at the moment my reflections are some of what has been described above - I am easily-led / naive (which I can mostly catch by trying to always think of ulterior motives that people might have before I agree to things - exhausting!), I don't think it's a response to rape culture (and I have ended up in very dodgy situations because I didn't want to be there but had no idea how to get out of them - I was undiagnosed for a long while, so had no 'social stories' or people checking that I knew the rules).

But my observation is that people let 'boys be boys', and girls are constantly being told how to behave (sit still, knees together, make eye contact, smile, be 'nice', 'kind', 'share', make tea when people visit, always offer them food and drink). If you think about stereotypical girls and boys games, girls 'role play' real life events (eating, drinking, shopping, looking after people), so even if I didn't join in, I could see how to copy this stuff. At the school I went to boys played football, explorers, soldiers etc... I don't know many adult footballers, explorers or soldiers

So, if you have a talent for copying then you can do quite 'well' as a girl (at significant personal mental health cost, obviously). Lockdown has been great for my mental health overall, I'm less up and down / extreme. But I have realised the last few weeks that coming out of lockdown / the pandemic is going to be very tough. I have lost my higher-functioning social skills and find masking more exhausting than I remember it being.

Catching up with other posts. I agree with @CatsHairEverywhere2. I find women generally far more difficult to get on with than men. Men - in general - don't judge you for being blunt, straightforward, missing stuff. I have found that women hold other women to extremely high social standards. I sometimes read on this board (and others) about the 'sisterhood' and the feeling that women get when they are a group together, and I would love to feel that, but never have. Women as a group, frankly, terrify me because I've been ostracised and criticised so many times for not being 'normal'.

Also adding to other posts - I have had an eating disorder. In hindsight it was a form of copying; one of my friends (who again, with hindsight - for other multiple reasons - was not a friend!) developed anorexia... so did I. Eventually she was hospitalised (she's fine now) and moved away. A month or so later, something clicked in my head and I went back to eating normally again, overnight. There was no gradual recovery, and I didn't have any counselling for it - once she was gone, I stopped copying her.

I have lost my higher-functioning social skills and find masking more exhausting than I remember it being.

I think this is true for most people with ASC. My DS has had a really hard time fitting back into the social aspect of things at his mainstream school. He's had to see his mentor every single day, sometimes twice a day, about one thing or another to do with social interactions.

to you and everyone who are finding the changes exhausting.

I work in IT and we have a few people of both sexes who have difficulty fitting in with all the social norms of conversation, professionalism, etc.

However it is interesting because the guys get away with it more, because we expect it of them. It fits in with the Sheldon image we have in our head.

There is one lad who can be borderline rude to customers yet we just think that’s how it is. He’s an IT geek so what do you expect? It’s even endearing.

The women who lack social skills though are judged way harsher. It’s like we expect women to have a higher level of empathy and when they don’t we feel doubly disappointed.

There was one woman who was also borderline rude. I thought she was great fun but she eventually got the sack for her abruptness.

Oh and I do think society and individuals are less accepting of women and girls who don't necessarily fit in than boys and men. It's a double edged sword that women and girls find it easier to mask.