Feeling oppressed in discussions with DH.

[Greenmarmalade]

My DH says that I lecture him and speak at him about things when we’re debating (non-personal) things. He also says I rant, when in my opinion, I’m speaking passionately about things. He gets very annoyed or angry with me about this.

Previous problems: he doesn’t like when I delegate or ask him to do anything (eg when getting family ready for outing, asking him to get coats/drinks ready... because otherwise he wouldn’t).

He often says I’m “obviously just looking for an argument” when I disagree with him in conversations/discussions, and walks off, refusing to engage further.

He paraphrases what I’ve said, back to me- and changes it, so it sounds ridiculous and wasn’t remotely what I’d just said.

He’s previously told me I was banned from talking to him about transgenderism, gender or single sex spaces because it’s transphobic and he can’t understand my point of view. He has since changed his mind.

I find all of this oppressive- please can I ask what your views are on this? I don’t think I can stay in my marriage for this and other reasons.

He’s stonewalling you when he walks away and refuses to engage. It’s infuriating, rude and disrespectful.

It all sounds a bit heavy in your household if you are having many passionate conversations about issues like this. Perhaps he has heard your point of view and doesn't want to keep hearing it. I doubt he has changed his mind about single sex spaces etc he just can't be having the continued debates. I would miss all this out if you have covered everything. Just try to work together . It all sounds like too much debate fir day to day life . Perhaps you chose the wrong partner if this is what you want.

If you can't talk to someone, you can't relate, so how can it work?

He often says I’m “obviously just looking for an argument” when I disagree with him in conversations/discussions, and walks off, refusing to engage further.

He's dismissing you before hearing you out and then walking off.

That's not in many marriage guidebooks!

Hmm....when you and he discuss "hot" topics are they a two way street or are each of you just using the other as a soundwall?

When it's something you are passionate about it can be difficult to make sure the conversation is a conversation and no just a barrage of opinion with little room for discussion.

Politics or your marriage? Seesh. I think you guys need to figure out what you value most

Oh , just to say my husband has an annoying habit of sounding really cross/demanding when he thinks he is just talking . I think I might do it too if I am sharing my view point sometimes and it can become a monologue .

I’d be very annoyed by the attitude he has about supporting household tasks. If he doesn’t do it without being told and gets annoyed when you say what needs doing - you can’t win, can you.

He thinks he’s better than you.

With the debate thing, it doesn’t sound like it’s worth putting across your opinion as it’s obviously not respected. Just say - I disagree with you - and don’t waste your breath trying to explain why. And yes I would be making an escape plan.

You don't sound well suited

Thanks all, I will consider all your points.

@Sleepingdogs12 ‘perhaps you chose the wrong partner’... well, yes. This is what I’m thinking.

You don’t have to stay in your marriage, actually, if you are unhappy. From what you have said, your husband does not pull his weight, he talks down to you, dismisses your opinions and you don’t feel you can have discussions about things which interest you. Presuming you have tried to address these things with him, what you need to consider is

Can you afford to separate?
What about the children? Will you be able to co-parent amicably? Are you doing to end up the main carer and will you manage?
Do you think being single would be preferable? (Bearing in mind you might not meet someone else and if you do, stepfamilies can be hard to negotiate).

I am a single parent and the process of separating, particularly if the other party does not want to, is very difficult (I was leaving a controlling marriage and it was a nightmare). But preferable to the day to day feeling of being ground down and unhappy and the children are happier and have more autonomy as well.

If the marriage is otherwise good, you could try marriage counselling. But he'd need to realise he was refusing to listen, and you'd need to realise when to not get into these discussions in the first place. As would he.

There's a time and a place for hot debate. Both sides need to remember that, not just you.

Do you feel loved?
Do you feel supported?
Do you still like his company?

@KatySun thanks for your response. I have been a single parent before so I know what I’d be getting into, but I appreciate your point.

It sounds like he is belittling you and trying to keep you in your place as the uniformed woman, casting himself as the superior male. The lack of respect for your views and the unwillingness to pull his weight equally (eg in getting the kids ready) would be absolute deal breakers for me.

*uninformed

@FreddyTheFlute I know he loves me, but I rarely feel it. He has depression which probably affects this.

Supported? Sometimes. Good question for me to consider.

I often like his company, but depression means he has no sense of humour and this is a loss for both of us.

I've had similar arguments OP, not quite the same but my fears around self ID have been shut down several times.

I also recommend marriage counselling. It helped us so much and we now argue more effectively! If you do decide to separate, counselling can help with that process.

I think gender ideology/Self ID is such a threat to women that whilst male partners don't think they have skin in the game they actually do and if they show little interest if care around our justified fears and can't even listen then that says a lot about how little they respect the woman in their life they are meant to love the most. I'm glad your DH has changed his mind and it isn't a banned topic.

You may have other very good reasons to leave but I would try counselling first. Feel free to DM me x

He pulls his weight in domestic tasks, but I am always default parent. I have to organize stuff but then he gets annoyed if I make decisions about the children and don’t ask him, which is frustrating.

As I mentioned, there are other things that I’m unhappy with in out marriage, but this is an area that I feel really confused about so need some feedback.

I think gender ideology/Self ID is such a threat to women that whilst male partners don't think they have skin in the game they actually do and if they show little interest if care around our justified fears and can't even listen then that says a lot about how little they respect the woman in their life they are meant to love the most.

I can relate to this.

So do you have children from your previous marriage and children with him? That really adds another layer of difficulty. You are going to be the default parent for your own children, I think, and then that brings in issues of parenting for the children you have together, and then a whole other layer if he has children from a previous marriage or relationship. It is a very difficult dynamic, particularly if he then questions your parenting (despite you being the default parent) or suggests you are undermining him, or whatever. That is without adding in other difficulties and lack of respect/understanding.

Is he receiving treatment for his depression, and do you think marriage counselling would help?

I think few people enjoy feeling like they are being ranted at. Do you actually listen to what your DH says and try to understand why he thinks these things? Or are you just trying to convince him of your point of view?

There are some things he may find genuinely difficult. If he is depressed he may find the talking overwhelming. Walking off is a good strategy then. Better than getting to going to meltdown phase. If you have opposite opinions best agree to not discuss them.

Sorry swapped to the computer to type instead of trying to do short sharp sentences on teh phone. (now you get lack of capitals and spelling mistakes...

only you know the context of your post and the other things that make the marriage unacceptable. It does sound like you are not communicating in the same style and it does sound like you have got different opinions. We agreed not to discuss politics as we were of different opinions on some things. we do discuss things that we are of the same opinion on and it gets a bit ranty,

@Neolara I do listen to his point of view. Sometimes I definitely do want to convince him to shift to mine, yes. He feels he is being ranted ‘at’- I disagree. Sometimes I’m talking with emotion about something I feel strongly about and if he doesn’t agree, he takes it as a personal insult.

@BlackeyedSusan maybe, but it’s completely unfair of him to then state it’s me trying to start an argument when I’m just talking.

@katysun I’ve brought up counselling several times. I think it might help. He is receiving treatment for depression but it’s not working very well. When I suggest he contacts the doctor for a conversation about upping the dose, he gets very annoyed because “I’m not a medical professional” so I am in no position to suggest that.