Feeling oppressed in discussions with DH.

[Greenmarmalade]

My DH says that I lecture him and speak at him about things when we’re debating (non-personal) things. He also says I rant, when in my opinion, I’m speaking passionately about things. He gets very annoyed or angry with me about this.

Previous problems: he doesn’t like when I delegate or ask him to do anything (eg when getting family ready for outing, asking him to get coats/drinks ready... because otherwise he wouldn’t).

He often says I’m “obviously just looking for an argument” when I disagree with him in conversations/discussions, and walks off, refusing to engage further.

He paraphrases what I’ve said, back to me- and changes it, so it sounds ridiculous and wasn’t remotely what I’d just said.

He’s previously told me I was banned from talking to him about transgenderism, gender or single sex spaces because it’s transphobic and he can’t understand my point of view. He has since changed his mind.

I find all of this oppressive- please can I ask what your views are on this? I don’t think I can stay in my marriage for this and other reasons.

He doesn’t seem to respect you or your opinions very much at all....

I read that and my immediate thought was that he doesn’t like you much. It might be the depression, in part. Depressed people are notoriously self-obsessed and hard to get along with. How were things in your marriage before he was depressed?

He likes me.

I don’t get a sense of respect always, no.

@Greenmarmalade

He likes me.

I don’t get a sense of respect always, no.

If you dont even feel respected, what on earth is your like in the sand?

Well, he's Mr Righty McRightface, isn't he!

You are 'looking for an argument' because there is no necessary or sensible discussion to be had, because he's right. Obviously.

I don't really think those two things are related.

But once you get to a point where someone in a marriage feels they are being lectured at, or you won't let something like politics or religion go when you can't come to an agreement, you will run into trouble. No one likes that and it's not sustainable.

You can't force people to agree with you or see things your way, and not only are their diminishing returns in trying to you may make them less sympathetic.

If he's depressed, he might find the effort of processing the thoughts needed to hold a discussion overwhelming. So he's shutting it down because he doesn't have the mental capacity / energy / agility to deal with it now.

HIs state of mind might make your 'passionate discussion' feel like a wall of rantiness, again because it's too much for his reduced, slower, more easily stuck, more brittle processing capacity to deal with.

Can you slow down, take one short point at a time, speak, then listen to his response, pause, then the next point?

It's possible his 'there is no discussion' line is really about saying he lacks the capacity to participate in discussion. Symptoms of depression include poor short-term memory and inability to make decisions. This may be relevant.

That's not to say he mightn't also believe he's right and has nothing to learn from you. But if he wasn't like this before, it might offer some explanation.

@SmokedDuck he feels he’s being lectured if I state my case about anything. If he doesn’t like me talking about politics, he should really have thought about this before marrying me because I have always been very political and vocal. Nothing is new- just his response.

We don’t debate religion- I respect our different views, there is nothing to debate.

@lottiegarbanzo thank you- that’s all very helpful to understand what might be happening.

I’ve talked it through with him and he has apologized. We are going to have counseling and may have a break, as I’m exhausted by it.

Depression is so difficult to live with for both partners, and it’s hard to know how much choice he has in his behaviour.