Some advice please?

[JKRismyhero]

I am having some CBT for my anxiety which stems from childhood experiences but also postnatal depression. I have a good rapport with my therapist, however today in passing conversation (whilst explaining something else), I mentioned that I read the Strike books and he said 'oh, I've not read those because of the whole trans thing - I watched a video about it and she's used a character who dresses as a women to lure victims in etc'. I said 'well, actually, I had read about that, and it's hardly a main theme at all, he's not a main character really, and I think they're very good books'.

As soon as he mentioned it, I thought oh god, what do I say and instantly felt like I had to be careful. I wish I'd had something more intelligent to say about it really. I also feel like I've lost a little bit of respect for someone for believing what a (most likely propaganda) video says with no extra research. He has helped me massively until this point.

I suppose the advice I'm after is some lines to say in case this comes up again. Am I being a bad feminist if I continue the therapy ??

No advice but I have also found myself loosing respect for people I really like over this! I’m trying very hard to keep an open mind and just accept that we are looking at it from different angles, but it does make me sad. It’s funny really because I know people from all across the political spectrum and am generally pretty tolerant of all sorts of nonsense.

Maybe point out to him Op, that you're there for therapy, not to hear his opinions. Best not to hide it if it's causing you ruffles, it will only get in the way.

@TheMarzipanDildo

No advice but I have also found myself loosing respect for people I really like over this! I’m trying very hard to keep an open mind and just accept that we are looking at it from different angles, but it does make me sad. It’s funny really because I know people from all across the political spectrum and am generally pretty tolerant of all sorts of nonsense.

It's difficult isn't it.

@highame

Maybe point out to him Op, that you're there for therapy, not to hear his opinions. Best not to hide it if it's causing you ruffles, it will only get in the way.

It was only after I had sat down and thought about the session after that I thought it seemed a little inappropriate. We've chatted about things like tv shows before etc but very lighthearted. This was different.

As soon as he mentioned it, I thought oh god, what do I say and instantly felt like I had to be careful.

I think this is the crux of it. You'll now be forced to hide parts of yourself in order to fit in with his agenda and avoid his judgement. I couldn't deal with that. If I found out my therapist thought this way, I'd have to terminate and go elsewhere.

I feel the same about my therapist. We get along great, but I know she deals with transgender issues based on her website. It is actually something I'd like to discuss with her (being made to feeling inferior for being female growing up) but I don't think I can approach the topic.

He's a poor therapist and the character in the book isn't trans, it's a man dressed as a woman, a plot device that has been used hundreds of times in literature and films. Bloody hell, Shakespeare is full of cross dressing!

Yep, I think you should say something. Explain that hearing his opinion on this has had an effect on you, and could you discuss this, please? If it's made you think again about his respect for/commitment to the protection of women, for example, tell him. You might be able to work around a difference in opinion (depending on the magnitude and relevance of the difference), but if it's unstated it's likely to get in the way. Good luck.

It depends whether you think you value the therapy you are getting enough to continue.
I have pnd and CBT as well but have a female therapist through Mimh's. Is this something you could get? I wouldn't suggest jumping ship straight away as it took me months to get a therapist.
Have you heard of the socratic method? I bet your therapist has. You could explore the issue in a light hearted way using this technique.
I'd only suggest this if you are really brave though. I'd never have the confidence to do it.
Another thing would be to completely deadpan and say jk has experienced trauma like me which influenced her motivation to write her essay. I respect dealing with trauma and coming out the other side.

By the way, the quality of the relationship between client and therapist is one of the strongest predictors (if not the strongest predictor) of whether the therapy will be effective. If you think he's a dick, that's not trivial.

I'm not particularly brave - part of what this therapy is about. Huge social anxiety and unable to communicate for fear of judgement or reprimand. I think I would struggle to bring it up again.

You're right, the character isn't trans at all. I did say to him that it was exaggerated and it wasn't about that at all. And he seemed to take it on board but you never know.

I would say something. I don't think you have to agree with each other on everything but if nothing else, he's demonstrated that he tends to judge people based on no evidence whatsoever - not a quality I would want in a therapist.

@OatlySchmoatly

By the way, the quality of the relationship between client and therapist is one of the strongest predictors (if not the strongest predictor) of whether the therapy will be effective. If you think he's a dick, that's not trivial.

I agree. I don't particularly think he's a dick. We've spoken about and agreed on many subjects - he's read a couple of the books I have enjoyed (invisible women for example). He is younger than me and also a male so in the beginning I was a little sceptical he could empathise with a difficult upbringing with a male family member (particularly because I was female), and pnd however he has not let me down so far and I felt like the therapy was doing me some good. This felt like a bit of a surprise.

@JKRismyhero

I suppose the advice I'm after is some lines to say in case this comes up again. Am I being a bad feminist if I continue the therapy ??

You are definitely not a bad feminist for continuing therapy! It wasn't really appropriate of your therapist to judge your book choices- he probably should have thought about how that would have made you feel, especially if he has personal knowledge of your childhood (and therefore vulnerable) experiences. If the therapy is overall helpful then I would continue, but notice if you find it harder to open up if his statement has made you feel uncomfortable.

Ps 1) I love the strike books 2) the character literally is wearing a disguise- and fetishizing having control over women/ crossing their boundaries- they are NOT trans, and 3) for people to say that these are transphobic tropes are denying the reality that serial killers are often men who have a sexual component to their crimes and a power dynamic against women.

And

4. I like the wink to the witches in that book (the feminist women stepping out into male dominated workplaces in the 80s)

Very personal decision.

I have a bit of a Thing about people who join in the denunciation of books, TV series or films they haven't read. It always makes a fool out of you when someone who has read or watched it comes along, and the Strike series is no exception to that. I wouldn't be able to respect him as a therapist, having found out he didn't know that. It's something that I could ignore if I was employing him as an accountant, but I think it would interfere with talking to a therapist.

But that is my Thing (the capital letter is well deserved!), not yours.

Thank you all for your responses. I think I will mull this over for the next week while I wait for my next appointment.

I bloody love the strike books, can't wait for another.

I find it inappropriate that he shares his opinions on books and TV in therapy sessions. I would not feel comfortable on that basis. Better if the politics and other opinions of the therapist are withheld to enable the client to speak 100% freely. It is a professional-client relationship and unlike friends or other social connections it should be rather one sided in favour of the client.

@DaisiesandButtercups

I find it inappropriate that he shares his opinions on books and TV in therapy sessions. I would not feel comfortable on that basis. Better if the politics and other opinions of the therapist are withheld to enable the client to speak 100% freely. It is a professional-client relationship and unlike friends or other social connections it should be rather one sided in favour of the client.

I agree. Have you seen Afterlife? Ricky Gervais writes the most horrendous therapist character- who demonstrates the over-share very well. (Apologies for the minor de-rail OP!)

I would agree but I have definitely found comfort in talking about something that interests me, almost as a bit of a break from the difficult stuff. I find it really hard to speak about things that upset me because I'm not used to it so I guess it's a good way to get me comfortable. I'm not sure.

I didn't watch most of afterlife as my h powered through it after I fell asleep in a couple of episodes! I should try again.

That's a really shit situation.

It seems to me like the problem is that his throwaway comment (born out of ignorance, I might add) has actually undermined the therapeutic relationship.

A central part of therapy is that you should be able to talk about your issues and how they intersect with the rest of your life and your sense of self without judgement. You now feel there are parts of yourself and your beliefs you have to hide or he will judge you.

To be honest, I don't see how the therapeutic relationship can be rescued from this, which is a great shame because it sounds like in other respects he was helping you a great deal.

But this is one of those "once you've seen it, you can't unsee it" moments, I fear.

Did he perhaps give his ‘opinion’ thinking that he was stating yours too? I mean that sometimes people make small talk by choosing a topic that they think there’s going to be an obvious consensus on and then state their ‘opinion’ thinking you’ll agree and be relaxed and encouraged to talk. I hope that makes sense.

Did he think you were going to acknowledge that but say you still liked the books? Or, thinking again, did he actually guess you didn’t think they were transphobic and was trying to spur you on to defend them?

If it was neither of those things, I’d be uneasy at the casual way he dismissed the books and, by association, your reading taste. It would play on my mind and I’d be second-guessing his thoughts all the time.

@RadandMad

As soon as he mentioned it, I thought oh god, what do I say and instantly felt like I had to be careful.

I think this is the crux of it. You'll now be forced to hide parts of yourself in order to fit in with his agenda and avoid his judgement. I couldn't deal with that. If I found out my therapist thought this way, I'd have to terminate and go elsewhere.

Exactly this. I’d find it hard to trust him as I’d be having to police my language now in my therapy sessions.

Did he perhaps give his ‘opinion’ thinking that he was stating yours too? I mean that sometimes people make small talk by choosing a topic that they think there’s going to be an obvious consensus on and then state their ‘opinion’ thinking you’ll agree and be relaxed and encouraged to talk.

He shouldn't be a therapist then.

Anything beyond the weather is dangerous territory.

"Evangelical Christians who oppose gay marriage are just homophobic bigots," "ridiculous to claim that abortion involves the taking of a human life," "however they dress it up, leave voters are all racist bigots," etc. Conversational opening gambits which may be great for cementing solidarity at an Islington Labour Party pot luck supper, but which run a high risk of upsetting a substantial number of people in the wider world and leave them thinking you are judging them without even doing them the courtesy of asking what their views are and then listening - really listening - when they tell you why they hold those views. (Swap mutatis mutandis for views you think would be great conversational openers at a Tory party fundraiser in the Shire - "hunt sabs, smelly unwashed oils, don't really care about animals just there for a good ruck," etc).

Prejudice about some world views, looking down your nose at the people who hold them - that can't coexist with being a good therapist.