Some advice please?

[JKRismyhero]

I am having some CBT for my anxiety which stems from childhood experiences but also postnatal depression. I have a good rapport with my therapist, however today in passing conversation (whilst explaining something else), I mentioned that I read the Strike books and he said 'oh, I've not read those because of the whole trans thing - I watched a video about it and she's used a character who dresses as a women to lure victims in etc'. I said 'well, actually, I had read about that, and it's hardly a main theme at all, he's not a main character really, and I think they're very good books'.

As soon as he mentioned it, I thought oh god, what do I say and instantly felt like I had to be careful. I wish I'd had something more intelligent to say about it really. I also feel like I've lost a little bit of respect for someone for believing what a (most likely propaganda) video says with no extra research. He has helped me massively until this point.

@JKRismyhero

I would agree but I have definitely found comfort in talking about something that interests me, almost as a bit of a break from the difficult stuff. I find it really hard to speak about things that upset me because I'm not used to it so I guess it's a good way to get me comfortable. I'm not sure.

That makes sense. It's hard to find neutral topics. I wonder if he was regretting stating anything as you hadn't agreed, as breathandfocus (nice name!) says it might be that he thought that he was saying something that you had a consensus on. But either way, the responsibility lies with him to make you feel comfortable, not with you having to change any of your views about books/films etc

@CaraDuneRedux

Did he perhaps give his ‘opinion’ thinking that he was stating yours too? I mean that sometimes people make small talk by choosing a topic that they think there’s going to be an obvious consensus on and then state their ‘opinion’ thinking you’ll agree and be relaxed and encouraged to talk.

He shouldn't be a therapist then.

Anything beyond the weather is dangerous territory.

"Evangelical Christians who oppose gay marriage are just homophobic bigots," "ridiculous to claim that abortion involves the taking of a human life," "however they dress it up, leave voters are all racist bigots," etc. Conversational opening gambits which may be great for cementing solidarity at an Islington Labour Party pot luck supper, but which run a high risk of upsetting a substantial number of people in the wider world and leave them thinking you are judging them without even doing them the courtesy of asking what their views are and then listening - really listening - when they tell you why they hold those views. (Swap mutatis mutandis for views you think would be great conversational openers at a Tory party fundraiser in the Shire - "hunt sabs, smelly unwashed oils, don't really care about animals just there for a good ruck," etc).

Prejudice about some world views, looking down your nose at the people who hold them - that can't coexist with being a good therapist.

Yea- it sounds like an ill thought-out move on his part. I once worked in a team where over 50% of the staff were vegans, and there would be no-way they'd start a conversation with a client stating their views on animal products

@BreatheAndFocus

Did he perhaps give his ‘opinion’ thinking that he was stating yours too? I mean that sometimes people make small talk by choosing a topic that they think there’s going to be an obvious consensus on and then state their ‘opinion’ thinking you’ll agree and be relaxed and encouraged to talk. I hope that makes sense.

Did he think you were going to acknowledge that but say you still liked the books? Or, thinking again, did he actually guess you didn’t think they were transphobic and was trying to spur you on to defend them?

If it was neither of those things, I’d be uneasy at the casual way he dismissed the books and, by association, your reading taste. It would play on my mind and I’d be second-guessing his thoughts all the time.

I mentioned the books when explaining something by saying 'I don't know if you've read the Cormoran Strike books...' and he looked confused and asked which ones they were, so I said it's Robert Galbraith, JK Rowlings pseudonym and then he said what he did. Interesting point you make there. Perhaps he thought I didn't know? The more I think about it I suppose I did open myself up to it by mentioning it.

I mentioned the books when explaining something by saying 'I don't know if you've read the Cormoran Strike books...' and he looked confused and asked which ones they were, so I said it's Robert Galbraith, JK Rowlings pseudonym and then he said what he did. Interesting point you make there. Perhaps he thought I didn't know? The more I think about it I suppose I did open myself up to it by mentioning it.

I don't think you are in the wrong at all. I think your therapist has been deeply unprofessional, and I'm not surprised you're upset and wondering what the future for the therapy is. In fact, it's a textbook case of why therapist are taught from day one not to share personal information about themselves, their lives, their experiences, their beliefs etc etc. Both the therapists I know are extremely strict about social media etc so that nothing about their personal life/beliefs could be picked up by clients. It's a pretty epic fail that he not only shared his personal beliefs, but that he did so on a highly political and contentious issue.
I'm sorry. I don't know what the answer is - I just want to validate your upset and to dispute your last comment 'I suppose I did open myself up to it by mentioning it.' No, no you did not. Therapy is where you open up and don't have to second guess yourself. As this man has demonstrated - that is far more straightforward when your therapist knows when it's time to pipe up with his own thoughts and when it's time to keep quiet.

Thank you @dumpling23 , that makes me feel better.

I'm not sure how I will proceed with this. I don't think I'm brave enough to bring it up. I definitely have some hard thinking to do this week.

The more I think about it I suppose I did open myself up to it by mentioning it.

I see you've taken dumpling's point on board, but I just want to re-iterate this.

You're the one in therapy. Your therapist should not be putting you in a position where you're feeling guilty about your beliefs because of the impact they have on him.

Even if your views were wrong (they're not, by the way) he still shouldn't do this.

Suppose a therapist was helping someone handle repressed homosexuality driven by internalised homophobia. Would it help his patient if he simply said "your problem is your views are bigoted?" Of course it wouldn't.

Would it help a lapsed Roman Catholic woman who was struggling with the emotional aftermath of a series of miscarriages, but on deeper examination turned out to be beating herself up that maybe it was her fault for having had an abortion as a student "your problem is you actually agree with the misogyny of your religious upbringing"? Again, of course it wouldn't.

Therapists are not meant to sit in judgement on their clients ' belief systems. They may well want to help the client tease out internal inconsistencies and contradictions if the tensions between one part of their belief set and another is part of the reason the client is struggling to resolve past trauma.

But they're not there to impose their own belief system.

@CaraDuneRedux

The more I think about it I suppose I did open myself up to it by mentioning it.

I see you've taken dumpling's point on board, but I just want to re-iterate this.

You're the one in therapy. Your therapist should not be putting you in a position where you're feeling guilty about your beliefs because of the impact they have on him.

Even if your views were wrong (they're not, by the way) he still shouldn't do this.

Suppose a therapist was helping someone handle repressed homosexuality driven by internalised homophobia. Would it help his patient if he simply said "your problem is your views are bigoted?" Of course it wouldn't.

Would it help a lapsed Roman Catholic woman who was struggling with the emotional aftermath of a series of miscarriages, but on deeper examination turned out to be beating herself up that maybe it was her fault for having had an abortion as a student "your problem is you actually agree with the misogyny of your religious upbringing"? Again, of course it wouldn't.

Therapists are not meant to sit in judgement on their clients ' belief systems. They may well want to help the client tease out internal inconsistencies and contradictions if the tensions between one part of their belief set and another is part of the reason the client is struggling to resolve past trauma.

But they're not there to impose their own belief system.

Thank you for all your messages. They have been very helpful. It feels like such a shame to me because I had been feeling like I was making progress.

Hi OP,

Just read through the thread. So sorry you’re in this situation with your therapist, as others have said it really isn’t acceptable of him.
I would completely understand if you didn’t feel like you could, but, particularly if you choose not to see him again, I do think rather than feeling like you have to hide yourself you may feel more empowered if you explain in an email/note how you feel. There’s something in DBT about sometimes doing the opposite reaction to an emotion, so instead of running away from something you fear, sometimes it can be beneficial to address the issue.
I don’t know your background of course, but if I was in your shoes, having a male be so dismissive of JKR’s books and quick to pile on to her, would be pretty triggering, as so much trauma is bound up with experiences with men being abusive and simultaneously dismissive and gaslighting. You could say something like, I found it upsetting that you were so dismissive of the work of a woman based on hearsay, and felt that you were actually invalidating my actual reading of her words, this has made me feel like the trust we have been developing in therapy has been undermined. He cannot call you transphobic for saying anything like that, it should be a wake up call for him that he cannot treat women (you or JKR) like that. In the very unlikely scenario if he dared to say any such thing I would be contacting his professional body.
I think you will know deep down if you want to continue with this therapist or not, and no judgment on you if you feel sticking with him is the right course- and if you would prefer to carry on without saying anything- it is your call. When I had to change therapist, my long standing one just told me to follow my instincts and not stay with one who I didn’t feel comfortable with if I was to get the most from it.

I hope you’re doing ok and please don’t blame yourself for this situation, it is entirely his fault and it makes me angry that he was so unprofessional and has caused a client upset so unnecessarily!

@Cyberworrier thank you so much for your response. I had considered writing an email about it. I wondered if I was making a big deal of it but actually reading these replies it makes so much sense to me. I'm a little sad because it had been helping me but this does make me feel really, really uneasy.

You’re very welcome. I’m sure you would get support on here if you want people to help you with an email or to check through what you write.

It’s a horrible feeling, this uneasiness when other people, who you trusted, throw women under the bus. I have it with most of my friends who are all lib fems who listen to American podcasts, I feel like such an outsider and also so angry at being made to feel like there’s something wrong with me for caring about women’s rights! I can’t imagine having that from your therapist, it must be so destabilising.

It makes complete sense to feel sad. 💐 Maybe it’s a good idea to write down how you feel, whether or not you send it? Just to work through why it makes you so uncomfortable.

OP, an email is an excellent idea, because you can redraft it and edit it to get exactly what you want to say, without being hamstrung by anxiety or the fear of saying it to his face.
It is important to clear the air - it would be so difficult to continue therapy with this elephant in the room. You would be always monitoring your language to avoid any mention of women’s rights or the threat from invasion of our single sex spaces and protections, in case he took offence.
That would be counter productive to the whole process, when the therapy is supposed to be helping you be more assertive about expressing your needs.
His response to your email will be crucial in determining whether you can continue with him or whether you need a new therapist.
My feeling is that he’s probably a “be kind” woke virtue signaller, rather than a flagrant misogynist.
Men have no skin in the game, their spaces and safety are not threatened, and he may have never thought through the implications for women in the trans rights campaign. You will only find out by challenging his statement about JKR.
Think of it as a therapy homework assignment! “Pick a subject and practice assertiveness by challenging your therapist’s opinion on it.” If your therapy is successful, you will eventually feel confident about expressing your needs and opinions face face to face, not just in emails. Best wishes, OP. And if you feel ok about it, let us know how it went with your next session. We are all cheering you on.

@Cyberworrier @Babdoc thank you so much for the support. It's funny, my original reluctance to have a male therapist was my assumption he would have no proper understanding of pnd or motherhood (except what is read about and taught) but didn't expect this to be the problem in the end!

That is interesting. I was going to say earlier but didn’t that my lovely former therapist advised me to only try out/research other female therapists!
I heard something on the Radio about how there need to be more therapists from diverse backgrounds too, so that you don’t have to explain every experience/part of your background to the therapist for them to understand your issues, which totally makes sense. It’s not to say that a male therapist could never be useful/work with female clients, but there’s something really reassuring about knowing your therapist understands what it is to be a woman (or I have found that anyhow!).

Good for you for trying to seek help. Your therapist's comment was flippant and innapropriate, ie: not relevant to the therapy session. He crossed a boundary. His opinion based on a video was ignorant, as he hadn't read the book. Your response was fine, it was good you felt confident enough to respond. In general it seems your confidence needs a boost, keep speaking up for yourself in small ways, your confidence will grow. And keep reading books you enjoy and doing things you want, that's how to build the life that You want.

If you do bring this up with him, and it is a good idea to raise such things if they're going to impact on the therapeutic relationship, how he responds will tell you whether or not you can keep working with him.

Thank you all. I knew this was the right place to come. You have all made me feel much better and given me lots to think about.

I think it will be hard for you to concentrate on your therapy with him now and this could cause you more anxiety if you are unable to let it go. Could you try and get an appointment with someone else?
I've had CBT and you really don't want to waste your sessions. The relationship is very important.
How are you feeling about your next meeting? If this feeling is one of anxiety then it is worth starting with someone else. You don't need to feel guilty about that. Good luck in what ever you decide.

I feel maybe a little apprehensive but not as much as I did yesterday. I'm not sure if this will get worse on the day though. My nature is wanting me to not confront it, ignore/forget it. I'm not sure what the right thing to do is. I do think that the next session may make my decision for me. I'm wondering if he will have thought about what he said?

I suspect he thought about it much less than you have. I don't like conflict either and I wouldn't want a confrontation about it and that would be a distraction from the therapy.