Title and name when married

[Nicknamegoeshere]

So when I marry OH I am remaining Miss Family Name. I'm 40 and divorced, this will be my second marriage.

My mum is shocked at this and says I will be Mrs Husband's Surname. She thinks anything else is "disrespectful".

My in-laws are less judgemental but also just assumed I'd become Mrs Husband's Surname.

The idea gives me the rage!

I know we're going to get cards to Mr and Mrs... eurgh!!!

Cards are fine. Perhaps in 2020 no cheques made out to Mr & Mrs his name.

I didn't change my name and genuinely don't care what title they use so I just say whatever I feel like when asked, although I do usually default to Mrs.

Everyone was a bit puzzled at first and i did get a few odd comments "what's the point in getting married?" and people justifying why they changed their name "I liked the idea of a family name" or "I needed to have the same name as the kids" and my personal favourite "i wanted us to share a connection"... That's fine, I chose differently no need to justify it to me!

If your hair with it then it really doesn't matter :)

Sounds fine to me! Do what you're comfortable with and, to a lesser extent, what your STBDH is comfortable with. My DH didn't really mind what name I went by, which is good as I kept my own

“I did get a few odd comments "what's the point in getting married?" “
I hadn’t realised the whole point of getting married was to change your name. What’s the point for men (who don’t change theirs) then?

EyesOpening that's what I said - if you're getting married for the sake of a name change there are cheaper ways to go about it!

I think being miss is a little odd when you're married, I've been a ms since I was old enough to use a title. Keeping your name - well you'd like to think no one bats an eye at that any more but they obviously do. Ignore them.

I also married in my 40s and by that point couldn't contemplate being anything else.

People do still default to Mr & Mrs though, which I can forgive in the older generation, but it infuriates me when my good friends do so. However i ignore it - there are worse things!

They probably just assumed because it's the most common outcome and they don't think much about it.

But yes. Your point is a good one. Why would you need to be anything else!

OP you say you’ll remain Miss Family Name, do you mean your maiden name or is it your first husband’s surname? Of course it’s entirely up to you what you do but I can understand their thinking if you took your first husband’s name but aren’t taking your new husband’s name

I use Ms and didn’t change my name OP.

I was bullied when I was a kid at school and it took many years and a lot of therapy to associate my name with positivity. Once I’d stopped cringing and started smiling at the sound of my own name, I wasn’t going to give it up for the sake of tradition.

Three years on from the wedding and I’ve never felt the urge yet.

Hope you have a lovely day :-)

It's a bit odd to keep your first husband's name if that's what you mean - I wouldn't like that as your partner unless there was good reason such as maybe you wanted to keep the same name as children from a first marriage. If it's your maiden name then do what you like. I changed my name when I married for my own reasons but its personal choice.

Why Miss and not Ms though. Miss definitely says "not married" to me. Whereas Ms is non-commital and doesn't say if you are either.

I didn't take DH surname. He didn't care and ILs have never commented and have always respected my choice in post/cards/the odd cheque etc.
Disappointingly the one person who really seemed to object is my DM - we live quite a distance and every single posted item from her is addressed to Mrs "DH surname", regardless of the numerous good humoured reminders I've offered up in the hope she'd get it. When I finally pulled her up on it in less of a more serious tone, she declared indignantly "but he's your husband". WTF. I despair.
So just because she gave up every modicum of her independence and identity when she married my emotionally unavailable, violent, misogynistic and abusive DF, it seems I'm also expected to do so. Right on mumsy.

@MiniMum97

It's a bit odd to keep your first husband's name if that's what you mean - I wouldn't like that as your partner unless there was good reason such as maybe you wanted to keep the same name as children from a first marriage. If it's your maiden name then do what you like. I changed my name when I married for my own reasons but its personal choice.

Why Miss and not Ms though. Miss definitely says "not married" to me. Whereas Ms is non-commital and doesn't say if you are either.

I still use my first husband’s name (double barrelled with my family name) and I’m up to husband number 3!

By the time I divorced number 1 I was published and exhibiting under that name and I like it (and it’s uncommon). Husbands 2 and 3 haven’t given a shiny shit (perhaps because they know it’s a cooler name then theirs?) and I wouldn’t marry anyone who would have a problem with it. It’s my name now, doesn’t matter where I acquired it!

Older relatives write whatever they like on cards and I’ve long stopped caring. It’s not personal, they do what they’ve always done.

Funnily enough, these days cards are most likely to be addressed to ‘Mr and Mrs Betty-Du’, which I think is a combo of refusing fo give up convention and call me ‘Ms’ but also forgetting which husband I’m on now (and perhaps not even knowing husband number 3s surname? Probably not worth committing it to memory, seeing as he might be replaced too)

would never, ever change my name, I don't belong to anybody!

@EyesOpening

“I did get a few odd comments "what's the point in getting married?" “ I hadn’t realised the whole point of getting married was to change your name. What’s the point for men (who don’t change theirs) then?

I got this comment from a colleague once. She asked "if you didnt take his name and dont like being called Mrs, why on earth did you marry him?"

To which I replied "because I love him. I didn't realise you only got married in order to call yourself Mrs, how does your husband feel about that?"

I use Ms and kept my surname. I married quite young but still didn't see why that meant I should change my name. (It annoyed me that there seemed to be an assumption on the Internet that only older women and women with amazing careers would want to keep their name on marriage.)

I find the whole name-change thing quite old-fashioned really. I'm surprised so many of my friends went along with it.

The older I get, the less I care what people think. After the initial 'what, you're not taking your husband's name' conversation, it ceases to come up much anyway. I really don't think people care.

Yep, I've done exactly this. Ms Maiden Name (because 'Mrs' technically means 'wife of', I understand, so would be slightly confusing if used with my maiden name). Now have children. Still haven't changed it.

No bother from husband who had known me so long he found the thought of me suddenly having a different name quite weird (but was happy for me to do what I liked). No bother from PIL. MIL did the same many moons ago and is still the name she was born to.

A slight 'hmm' from my mum but only because she thinks it's nice to take the husband's name (and she did. Or she was hoping to get rid of the association with me ).

I do get social cards addressed to Mr and Mrs Married Name and it doesn't bother me at all. Quite sweet. Just couldn't be doing with all the admin to actually change it / keep track of what I'm known as where!

I honestly don't think this has to be a big deal.

@missperegrinespeculiar

would never, ever change my name, I don't belong to anybody!

I regret changing my name, I miss my old name. Were I to have my time again I wouldn't change it. But, the above comment is just ridiculous, changing my name to match DH's doesn't mean he owns me, even symbolically.

@SenorFrog that’s EXACTLY what it means, symbolically. That’s where the entire tradition stems from. Ownership.

A man used to own his wife in marriage, no symbolism involved. A man doesn't own his wife anymore, no symbolism there either.

On giving it more thought, I concede symbolically it may appear more complex however I still think it's ridiculous that a modern woman would say my name means I belong to my husband. I own my name, I decided what my surname was, the fact I've changed my mind now is also my own decision. Dh asked why I don't change it back but essentially I don't care too much, I only think of it when a thread like this come up.

I never changed my name when I got married. I didn't see the point. I tend not to make decisions that aren't based on some kind of logic. (On the plus side, I didn't have to change anything back when I got divorced ).

You'll be fine. Stick to your surname and don't give a damn about what other people think.
I wouldn't get worked up about greeting cards etc... People will write what they write. It's not worth the hassle. I tend to give older people more leeway. I'd expect younger generations to be more respectful of your actual name and title preferences.

changing my name to match DH's doesn't mean he owns me, even symbolically

Strange how the vast majority of men would never take their wife's name and would balk at the suggestion. I wonder why...

Did you take your first husband’s name or have you always maintained your family name ?

I changed mine and took on DH name cause I preferred it to my own. Otherwise would have kept mine.

My husband and I merged our surnames but only because we were planning on kids and wanted the kids to have a name that was a bit of each of us.
If we weren't having kids I wouldn't have changed.
I've had lots of comments but frankly enjoyed the opportunity to help people understand that taking a man's name just because he's a man (rather than you both prefer the name for example!) is totally stupid.
I even had a teacher friend who changed her name to husbands on marriage - a name that had "poo" in it! What was she thinking!