NCT and surrogacy - two men tell us about the birth they wanted

[OhHolyJesus]

The National Childbirth Trust, the place that is often your first introduction to a group where you make friends with other mothers-to-be, the place that tells you about bonding with your baby in the womb, here tells us how two men used a woman's body and how it was for them.

It's thankfully brief, and their 'special friend' gets a mention as their 'surrogate' but sadly not as the 'surrogate mother'.

www.nct.org.uk/labour-birth/dads-and-partners/your-experiences-having-baby-through-surrogacy

'Our birth plan'

The worlds gone mad.

“Their birth plan”???

Under his eye

Entitlement level 11

It's the National childbirth Trust. I was somewhat surprised that the classes focused mainly on precisely that, with one on breastfeeding iirc - nothing really on parenting after the event. The partners were there to learn how to be supportive before and during the birth.

If anyone in the surrogacy arrangement should have the support of the NCT it should be the woman who is going to go through childbirth. If anyone is going to have a "birth plan" (for what they're worth!) it should be her.

I'm not surprised. The NCT was always awful.

I hope the actual person actually giving birth was consulted about the "birth plan".

The NCT was always awful.

I think it probably depended on the luck of the draw with the other people and leader - mine was lovely, and of practical help with the process of labour. Still meet up regularly with a couple of them.

This quote particularly irritated me
"It was also important that everyone involved understood that it was Mike and I who were Lucille’s parents."
It shows particular insensitivity towards the birth mother and their attitude towards the baby as a possession. Ugh, I think I’m going to blow a gasket!!!

You can leave feedback on specific parts of the article. Apparently they “really appreciate it”.

Imagine turning up to you NCT childbirth classes, to find two men who have bought a baby joining in. Did they practice massaging each other, and breathing through contractions with each other.

Did the woman giving birth to the baby they commissioned get to join in with the meeting with the head midwife to discuss "their" birthplan.

I'd walk out. I would not be in the same room as them.

This is so rage inducing.

It was also important that everyone involved understood that it was Mike and I who were Lucille’s parents

This is the sentence that I left feedback on. Just chilling.

fannycan I don’t know if I’d have walked out 12 years ago when I did the course...

Now I certainly wouldn’t stand for it. I’m older and wiser. Better able to stand up for my rights I guess. It’s awful. My NCT course was quite graphic and was all about the birth process. To imagine two blokes sitting there weighing in their opinions on how women should birth their babies makes me so angry on behalf of those in their group. They are clueless if they don’t think every couple went home aghast at the situation.

I'm really confused. The men went to nct but not with the woman who was having the baby? If she was there it might make some sense but it doesn't seem that she was?

I did NCT with DD1 and the woman didn't like me and it was all a bit awful tbh. But what I remember is it was about late pregnancy/ labour, birth choices, loads about giving birth, bf session...

It's about the woman giving birth, surely? And what to expect and so on.

I cant see what the point would be at all in people attending who are not pregnant/ supporting the pregnant woman. I was going to write pregnant person there for a minute. Blimey.

I don't get it? I mean. Huh???

Jesus wept. 'Our birth plan'. I know use been said upthread but the absolute ignorance and entitlement on display here is unbelievable

Its not the National Childbirth Trust and hasn't been for years. The letters don't stand for anything these days....and you can take that statement in a number of ways. The focus is no longer on mainly birth and there is equal focus on postnatal topics which would be relevant with surrogacy. There are as many opinions on surrogacy and the use of 'inclusive' language as there are NCT practitioners and then there is the official line. The grass roots NCT which is the volunteers and self employed practitioners are a feisty, knowledgeable and argumentative bunch and I am sure lots of the topics discussed on this board with cause friction in the organisation in the near future. The main concern for the NCT as an organisation though is staying financially viable as it is for most charities at the moment.

So the ante natal classes at NCT don't go through birth options, relaxation, breastfeeding etc any more?

What's the point of them then? For pregnant women?

I had a shit experience with them though. Like. Appalling. I was going to complain but. New baby etc.

@NiceGerbil

So the ante natal classes at NCT don't go through birth options, relaxation, breastfeeding etc any more?

What's the point of them then? For pregnant women?

I had a shit experience with them though. Like. Appalling. I was going to complain but. New baby etc.

Yes they go through all that but they also go through safer sleep, coping with lack of sleep, where to get help, what the days might look like, relationships, mental health, practical baby care etc etc etc.

But let's face it the main draw for most people is meeting other local people having a baby.

This is actually a really nasty thread. In fact this is borderline homophobic. Are these two men not entitled to be parents? Can they not make other parents friends? Can they not be interested in the birth and safety of the child that they will raise?

This is not homophobic. This is child centred, mother centred concern.

No one is 'entitled' to be a parent, are they? No one is 'entitled' to the use of another person's body.
It's the way the woman who is giving birth is sidelined and treated pretty much like a commodity in surrogacy which is the irritant.

I'm sure no one here has any issue at all with same-sex couples adopting and being fully supported as parents. Does the NCT support adoptive parents nowadays?- if so, then that's great. But the actual childbirth part ... not so much.

Well they can’t make a birth plan as neither of them are giving birth.

Nobody is entitled to be a parent.

The NCT can support adoptive parents. Its not common because few small babies are adopted these days. I don't think any NCT Practitioner would be anything supportive to any client on their transition to parenthood. Part of our training is about being non-judgemental.

They are still permitted their own personal opinions though.

That should have said 'anything but supportive'.

To be fair to them, it is mostly the way it has been edited. They probably never said ‘getting the birth we wanted’ - it has just been put in as a subheading.

The bit about them attending antenatal classes is really confusing, as it is unclear if they attended them without the surrogate. If they did that really is full on Handmaid’s tale - the bit where the infertile wives lie on the floor pretending to be giving birth while the real mother is hidden away upstairs birthing in secret.

@Stripesnomore

Well they can’t make a birth plan as neither of them are giving birth.

Nobody is entitled to be a parent.

I have known a couple having a baby by surrogacy make a birth plan with the surrogate. For example do they couple want to be there, does the birthing woman want them there, who will the baby go to straight after birth, who will do skin to skin, in case of emergency caesarian who will go into theatre with her.