Surrogacy gone wrong - Parents split and left the mother pregnant with twins

[OhHolyJesus]

I'm pleased to see some news coverage of surrogacy arrangements that aren't all magical, representing the surrogate mother a simply generous woman. This is a very sad story, not fluffy at all.

Here a young Canadian woman inseminated herself so the twins were formed with her egg. The commissioning parents ceased making payments and didn't make contact. A private investigator was required to track down the biological father in order for the twins to be adopted.

www.thesun.co.uk/fabulous/12905371/pregnant-surrogate-twins-parents-pulled-out/

Holy fuck - so Canada has rules round "altruistic" surrogacy (and bans commercial surrogacy) and has a minimum age of 21, so the commissioning parents exploitative bastards deliberately circumvented the law by pressuring a young, vulnerable woman into going down the turkey baster route.

(Incidentally is it just me? The young woman sounds utterly lovely but also sounds to me like she has mental health issues and is vulnerable. She's had a huge number of surrogate pregnancies, interspersed with pregnancies with her two LT partners. It can't be healthy, mentally or physically.)

What a sad story. How awful that she was left to track down the biological father so she could have the twins adopted. All the decision making left to her.

And when the children grow up and find out the story behind their 'production'

Selfish cunts.

Not the surrogate. Although I agree, there's something not right with 'gifting' babies.

I've seen surrogate mothers in Canada extolling the benefits of the Canadian laws as they are altruistic as its expenses only but they didn't respond when I asked what expenses were covered.

I suspect that women who are vulnerable, in poverty or struggling and with mouths to feed would benefit from having their personal bills being taken care of for almost a year. If one adult's costs were absorbed elsewhere it would have a significant impact on a struggling family. I too am concerned for this young woman and her mental health. The pressure she must have been under with that situation, once you're pregnant in a surrogacy arrangement there's not a lot you can do. I suppose she could have had a late term abortion, though that's also traumatic and I don't know of the laws around this in Canada.

But the parents? They can just vanish with thy no consequences. Despite their infrequent contact it took a private investigator to track down the commissioning father! And there was no word of the commissioning mother.

It remind me of the story from Susan A Ring, though hers was far worse. She wrote a book about it "Unexpected Mother" and also has the surviving twins adopted (one was terminated in the womb against her wishes).

And of course her children are biologically related to her own children so it's not so cut and dried as just waving them off to a new family, they are integral to her own.

The surrogate mother reminds me of Sue Radford in a way, started having kids young and seems to be addicted to getting pregnant and giving birth. She's only 29 and if I read the article correctly she's now had 11 pregnancies between her own children and the surrogate ones.

@CaraDuneRedux

Holy fuck - so Canada has rules round "altruistic" surrogacy (and bans commercial surrogacy) and has a minimum age of 21, so the commissioning parents exploitative bastards deliberately circumvented the law by pressuring a young, vulnerable woman into going down the turkey baster route.

(Incidentally is it just me? The young woman sounds utterly lovely but also sounds to me like she has mental health issues and is vulnerable. She's had a huge number of surrogate pregnancies, interspersed with pregnancies with her two LT partners. It can't be healthy, mentally or physically.)

No it isn't just you. She seems to reel from pregnancy to pregnancy.

The pro-surrogacy campaigners in the UK who want increased rights for intended parents would probably say that this case supports their argument. After all, if the intended parents are the legal parents at birth, in theory no surrogate mother would ever be left holding the baby.

However, if the intended parents live abroad and decide to cease all contact, I’m not sure how this would work in practice.

What an awful thing to do to a vulnerable young woman.

I'm also worried for this mum. I hope she's really doing OK. The potential for pretty complex psychological reactions from carrying and having these babies adopted is huge (for the mum and the kids). The fact that they're also her biological children adds another layer. I wonder how much of a role the LT partner at the time had in the adoption decision. An article like this couldn't even scratch the surface.

I wonder how much of a role the LT partner at the time had in the adoption decision

I don't want to make this a criticism of her but if "LT" means long term I don't think any of her relationships are "long term". That's another part of her vulnerability.

She seems to reel from pregnancy to pregnancy.

There's something in this, both in relation to Mrs Radford and the 'serial' surrogate mothers. I'm not a therapist but stories I've read from the SMS themselves speak about feeling special, and 'whole' whilst pregnant, 'empty' having given birth, and how everyone says what a generous woman you are, by giving the 'most special gift' (the irony of that sounding commercial is not lost on me).

Susan A Ring, who I mentioned earlier, admits she is a people-pleaser and she said immediately after giving birth to the twins she had adopted she wanted to do it again. I think there's something going on inside you if that is literally your first thought.

I think there might also be something in how you find it's the thing you're good at, that your value is measured by this and that it's sort of your contribution to the world. I think that's very sad if true.

I think for something to be truly altruistic it has to be slightly detrimental, as in, if you get that warm fuzzy glow then that is a personal benefit. It has a sort of twisted, brainwashing element to it for me somehow.

As I don't agree or support surrogacy of any kind then I don't support supposedly 'altruistic' surrogacy. To pay a 'cost' of surrogacy is to pay for the rental of a womb, the lodging of the foetus you want to parent. To rent a womb you have to rent a woman, in doing so you can't see a that woman as a human being.

You do often get a lot of attention from being pregnant. I must admit I did quite like this (despite absolutely hating the physical side) and it wouldn't surprise me if some women become addicted to pregnancy.

So this is often the kind of story that "doesn't happen" in regulated, western surrogacy according to advocates in discussions i've had. Well here it is. Surrogate in Canada, commissioning parents in the UK.Never happens eh.

Cattenburg not sure about the proposed laws here but in USA where they have different contacts I think the purchasers can get an abortion without any complaint etc from the woman carrying the baby/ babies.

I don't know if that's allowed if it's the woman's own egg in the USA, does anyone else?

Surrogacy is an issue where my views have really changed over the years and for me it's just a hard no full stop.

There was a programme on BBC Radio 4 last year, about a BBC reporter and his partner using a surrogate mother in the USA. The programme was supposed to be selling their circumstances as a big happy family. ButI felt that the woman in that case sounded vulnerable, had had a difficult upbringing, and had some purpose missing in her life. The "feeling useful, needed and special", in an otherwise unremarkable and potentially loveless life, rings true.

I just really do not believe any woman would be a surrogate unless there was some level of vulnerability in her life. Be that needing money, needing to retain the love of/please/avoid guilty feelings towards a close sibling or friend, or simply needing to have a purpose in life and something to make themselves feel special.

Ethel Kennedy (mother of 12) said that her first thought when she heard her husband had been assassinated was "This will be my last pregnancy. There will be no more babies." For some women, Pregnancy is their Purpose.

I think there might also be something in how you find it's the thing you're good at, that your value is measured by this and that it's sort of your contribution to the world. I think that's very sad if true.

@OhHolyJesus you wrote it before I could! Reading this I just wanted to hug that poor woman and tell her her worth is more than just being a rented womb. It's why we don't see high achieving doctors, professionals, actors, celebrities or leaders being charitable and providing altruistic pregnancies.

It's the same argument we use for reproductive rights - women are not incubators for people who want control over our bodies.

And again, she has children now, out in the world, and that loss for them and her can not be measured. Of course, adoption can be a very good thing, but these children were adopted because they were commissioned, not just because their birth families could not care for them. That is very, very different.

I think there might also be something in how you find it's the thing you're good at, that your value is measured by this and that it's sort of your contribution to the world. I think that's very sad if true.

I'm laid up in bed and am getting lazy in my posting etiquette. The above is credited to OP

@SnuggyBuggy

You do often get a lot of attention from being pregnant. I must admit I did quite like this (despite absolutely hating the physical side) and it wouldn't surprise me if some women become addicted to pregnancy.

I think this is also sometimes considered to be a factor in women who get pregnant again and again even though their babies are removed from social services every time - that pregnancy feels like a time where they feel special and valued, often the only time like that they've ever experienced. I don't like the extra attention in pregnancy at all - I am currently avoiding one of my neighbours because I know she'll go on and on about it now I'm visibly pregnant again - but you certainly do get lots of attention, and treated as more 'special'. It must be really powerful if you're from a background where you haven't ever really felt valued or celebrated and so I can see why, as you say, for some women it would be addictive.

I think this is also sometimes considered to be a factor in women who get pregnant again and again even though their babies are removed from social services every time.

I know a woman like this. She herself was adopted, the youngest of 6, they couldn't afford to keep her. She has met her biological family but didn't really connect with them. She has never had a professional calling or career and she hasn't really worked. Every single child she has (she is currently pregnant with her 6th) has been taken from her due to neglect.

For her there has been financial motivation to have more children (more child benefit) and I don't think she will stop until she can't get pregnant anymore.

She is a prime candidate for surrogacy, she is vulnerable, is obviously fertile, the right age and has no income so having expenses paid, even nice maternity clothes, would be attractive to her. I'm not sure social services could stop her, they remove every child she has but what if it's not 'her' child?

I feel so sorry for the babies in this story. They were commissioned but rejected before they were born because the commissioning parents (which included the biological father) split up. The surrogate mother provided her own eggs, but didn't consider the babies 'hers'.

I am glad they are with loving adoptive parents now. The commodification of babies in this manner is reprehensible.

It's a hell of a trauma for them I agree. Shocking.

I really hate that word commissioned...these are human beings we are talking about. It’s like they are being made to order which in a way I suppose they are.

Awful story. It's clear some women have an addiction to having babies. Where simple economics might put the brakes on for most women, the opportunity to be a surrogate is like adding rocket fuel.

The Law Commission have no plans to limit the number of times a woman can be a surrogate mother. Either because they think this sort of thing is fine, and a perfect way for a woman to earn a living, as a breeder for the upper classes.
Or possibly their research is so poor they haven't come across these sorts of cases and haven't given any real consideration to these sorts of issues or don't care anyway.

Meanwhile the wretched Drewitt-Barlows are already planning more surrogate babies.

www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-8850527/Barrie-Drewitt-Barlow-50-says-wants-twins-having-baby-surrogate-fianc-25.html

He has an addiction to breeding too. I think maybe he was bullied for being gay and this is his way of showing he's an alpha male or something. Disgusting man.

I get so depressed with cases like these. Not just due to the exploitation of the women involved and the poor children produced as a result of these arrangements. But the world is overpopulated FFS, and we have people like David Attenborough doing his best to encourage us all to consume less.
And then you have these people with an addiction to breeding because they can. And all the problems they are passing on to the poor children.

I really hate that word commissioned...these are human beings we are talking about. It’s like they are being made to order which in a way I suppose they are.

You have answered your own question. This is precisely why the language used is important and talking about commissioning parents makes clear these are people who have ordered a baby. (And in this case cancelled the order).

The surrogacy industry prefers the term intended parents which is all much more fluffy.