How do you deal with the loneliness?

[RadandMad]

I'm in the creative industry and recently joined an online group for other creatives. There's a post in there criticising JK Rowling with people talking about terfs and how awful they are and how hateful it is not to believe TWAW. These are intelligent, normal people who a few years ago I would have had a lot in common with.

It just hit me how far I am now from mainstream views since I started getting into GC feminism. I feel like I'm on another planet to these people, for all we have in common now. And I go through this endless cycle of asking myself, is it me? Is there something wrong with me for no longer being able to believe people literally can change sex, or no longer being blind to the clash of trans rights with women's rights?

I feel horribly lonely. Most of my friendships are conducted online, and I feel very isolated. But I can't see any way to put the genie back in the bottle and go back to thinking the way these people do. Just wondering how other people cope? How do you find other people you can interact with if you can't risk giving up your anonymity, or admitting what you really think?

I feel lonely too. I'm in academia at a particularly woke university and also have a hobby with a larger than average number of trans people. I love my trans friends, I want them to be happy and safe. But I don't think that you can change sex or be in the wrong body or that it's a good idea to sterilise children. I have to hide a part of myself from them and am afraid what would happen if they found out what I think.

Honestly talkingdeadscot that makes me so sad xxx
if my DH genuinely thought there was no difference between me & the Alex Drummond/Karen whites/yanivs of this world I’m not sure how i could ever respect his judgment on anything again

@Vermeil

Thankfully I’m self employed in an industry that’s mainly populated by other self employed people, but I do have friends who are full on TWAW. I just never discuss it with them or interact with their social media posts on the subject. Some of them are quite chronically woke to boot, though as with most woke people their understanding of many issues is somewhat superficial and goes little further than fashionable buzzwords, or in a couple of cases, naked self-interest. I just find it really easy to ignore, hell, I’ve even got a friend who’s an anti-vaxxer 😬 They’re all good people, just myopic and far less informed than they think they are, and their views are certainly less popular than it appears on social media, where it’s easy to just not engage with them about certain topics.

You must give tips on how to ignore! I wish I could. I find it hard to deal with people who deny reality. I know it is an issue I need to deal with but genuinely want to know how you manage not to think about it/ ignore it. Must get better at this

Solidarity. I was in a similar place RadandMad and if someone calls you a TERF online and makes you out to be terrible it feels awful. I felt like everyone knew and everyone would hate me for it - and if they did not know yet then they would shun me once they found out. But that is what the MRAs and their ilk want us to think. I was lucky as got invited to a small private online group by a GC pal I know IRL and through that I found other GC women. There are SO MANY of us - and as others have said above we are the mainstream. The TWAW crap in the media is silly woke noise. Stay strong and make use of this community. I think we will look back on this one day as a crazy time we overcame.

I'm so sorry you feel this way OP. Social media is a very lonely place for GC feminists because although our views are very widely shared in real life, they are verboten on social media. Hence the feelings you describe. Three points.

Firstly - leave social media or online groups that upset you. I left Twitter for this reason. Best decision I ever made. We cannot express our true beliefs and have to watch others spout utter rubbish - and then get applauded for it. No wonder if feels so awful!

Secondly, connect with others in your industry that feel the same way. Who is silent in these groups or absent from them? I absolutely love the story described upthread about the women texting 'you're very silent' to each other! I've forged new friendships with people in my field (academia) this way and it really helps. It's such a solace sharing our forbidden thoughts with each other.

Finally - don't think for one moment that the people in these groups that you feel divorced from are one happy bunch of friends. Performing compliance to a dominant ideology does not bond people together - it's superficial and without meaning. These people don't have each others backs, so it really makes no difference whether you are with them or against them.

Sound like need a boyfriend tbh.

I feel lonely with my feminist beliefs in general, but I live in Texas, which is a religious right wing state, and pretty much everyone is on board with the belief no one can change their sex.
I just wish they could see how badly women are oppressed in this white male dominant state.

A while back I mentioned to a male co-worker I was becoming a feminist. He freaked out and said I'd be cutting my hair off soon and acting like a man.
Now I only bother telling people around here I'm a feminist if I'm bored and want to see what comical reactions I get in return. It's always lonely when you don't go along with the culture you're in.

I'm in the fortunate position that I don't need to give a shit about what people think of me or my views. I do work in healthcare, but in a P/T role which supplements the family income - we're not dependent on my wage.
My FB is heavily locked down so only friends can see my posts and my Twitter doesn't show my name.
I long ago gave up any possibility of having a 'career' really (any other job would probably sack me for asking awkward questions the very moment 'diversity training' cropped up) and am getting more and more politcally active.
DH is slightly more 'woke' than me and thinks I'm radical for using pronouns that refer to the sex of a person.

Thanks so much for all these lovely replies. It's such a comfort to know I'm not alone in these feelings. It is hard being so out of step with the dominant ideology in your peer group, especially when disagreement is branded as bigotry or being a bad or evil person. Some great advice here, and I shall act on it. And as some of you have said, at least we have an oasis of sanity in spaces like these and Ovarit, etc. To be honest, these are the only places I feel sane in now.

I'm okay. I have a husband and great kids. I just miss having other people beyond that with whom I can connect mentally, and I just wish it were safe for all of us to relinquish our anonymity and just be ourselves. One day...

Creative millennial here. You are not alone.

Wanderingstars, does your colleague not know the difference between feminist and a transman?!

RadandMad, I think we just have to ride out this crazy storm. It's in the process of imploding under its own weight already. Stand by for all the woke bros telling you how they knew it was nonsense all along.

Ah I find people think like I do.

Perhaps it’s an age thing.

OP that is really tough. I have woke colleagues who really don’t see the issue.

I have two friends who are GC and like me work in women’s health and I can remember the relief when I had the first conversation with each of them.

Another friend who is a feminist said that I was transphobic if I was a radical feminist. It’s galling. She keeps sending stuff to try to change my mind.

Maybe if you don’t work with women who say, sobbing, “I’ll have a smear test as long as you can promise, really promise, there will be no men in the room.” Or women who say that they didn’t realise they HAD a cervix until they were diagnosed with cancer....

Which is why information about cervical cancer needs to use the word WOMAN (and other people with a cervix) when talking about who needs a test.

You are not alone.

JK Rowling was just on Radio 2 every day for a week. The show she was on, Ken Bruce, is the BBC’s biggest audience, more than 8m. That’s close to the whole of Radio 4. Ken’s callers had real jobs, delivering prescriptions and fighting fires etc. Those callers know the impact biology has on their lives, and I don’t think they think JKR said anything wrong...

OP social media is a bubble and an echo chamber full of people re-enforcing each others views. There will be others who feel the same way as you but they probably just keep quiet. As the comment about the Ken Bruce show suggests - outside that bubble most people don't believe TWAW.

One thing I've realised since the EU referendum is that people who think they're tolerant are often not tolerant of those with different opinions to them. They aren't prepared to listen to other people's views. It's annoying as people who behave like this think they have the moral high ground but they've often just jumped on the latest bandwagon without considering the issue from other angles.

Spot on Lakeswimmer. And I know as I think I was guilty of this. I feel like the last year has been an eye opener for me in this regard. (Though I’ve always been a non-believer in anything ‘unreal’ or not based on observable fact so I think that saved me from truly falling down the wokehole)

The only bright side is its the first time in years my conservative parents and I agree on politics, which was a great relief to all of us!

This. Although it's a bit worrying as my parents are card carrying DM readers, who have some quite unpleasant views (and my mum is homophobic, though surprisingly not my dad). These are the people we are aligned with, which worries me slightly.

Hitler was a vegetarian but that doesn't mean all vegetarians share all his views.

@CallarMorvern

The only bright side is its the first time in years my conservative parents and I agree on politics, which was a great relief to all of us!

This. Although it's a bit worrying as my parents are card carrying DM readers, who have some quite unpleasant views (and my mum is homophobic, though surprisingly not my dad). These are the people we are aligned with, which worries me slightly.

We're not 'aligned' with them. There's an intersection on some things, for different reasons. If you take homophobia further, as in Iran, it leads to gay men being coerced to transition.

I think this should be a link to a handy Venn diagram

images.app.goo.gl/md5Zd2KiBgW8fJk17

Errol I know that really, no one person holds all the same views regardless, but I'm not used to the DM standing up for my beliefs, it does feel a tad uncomfortable.
I do love a good diagram.

And I'm a vegetarian.