Radical feminism and sperm donation

[klinghoffer]

Hello everyone!
I've namechanged, but been on here a while. I'm not a mum, but I am a woman who feels I'm now ready for children.
I've had awful experiences with men in relationships (not just romantic relationship, but family relations and friendships). I won't go into detail here, but it's really made me not want to have a relationship with another man again.
I want to have a baby, and for the past 3 years I've been thinking sperm donation would be my best option.
I'm also a radical feminist, but I'm wondering if this is the best way to go? I'd have to take a lot of time off of work, and financially I wouldn't be as stable as if I were to have a partner etc., but I would have support from my parents and my sister.
Are there any radical feminists who could give me some pointers as to whether they think I'm doing right by myself and my future child by not having a man involved?
Thanks in advance!

Also, besides what if the child were disabled, what if you were disabled, or God forbid, died? Do you have family who could help, not just financially but mental and physical support?

@KormaKormaChameleon

I don't feel my future child would miss out on anything by not having their father in their life, truthfully

This actually worries me a bit to read. I think it's one position to consider what a child will miss out on my not having a father in their lives but decide on balance this isn't vital/persuasive enough of an arguement to prevent you conceiving via sperm donor or that you can create circumstances that go a long way to ameliorate that.
But to dismiss that your child wouldn't miss out an anything shows a bit of a lack of understanding and naivety I think.

I think it's commendable to put so much thought in before having children - ideally most people would soul search and plan and consider the child's welfare as much. I don't agree it's great to hang the decision on 'what would a radical feminist do' though and like I said, it jarrs me a bit to read you think your child would miss nothing by not having a father.

I agree with this. In this day and age, with society's obsession with knowing one's roots, ancestry etc, it's likely that the child may feel it has missed out on that experience. Of course, plenty of kids conceived in a more traditional manner also miss out on knowing their dads for various reasons, and I'm not convinced that it's enough of a reason to scrap the whole plan, but one of your biological parents being absent is very likely to create a feeling of having missed out at some stage.

@KormaKormaChameleon

I don't feel my future child would miss out on anything by not having their father in their life, truthfully

This actually worries me a bit to read. I think it's one position to consider what a child will miss out on my not having a father in their lives but decide on balance this isn't vital/persuasive enough of an arguement to prevent you conceiving via sperm donor or that you can create circumstances that go a long way to ameliorate that.
But to dismiss that your child wouldn't miss out an anything shows a bit of a lack of understanding and naivety I think.

I think it's commendable to put so much thought in before having children - ideally most people would soul search and plan and consider the child's welfare as much. I don't agree it's great to hang the decision on 'what would a radical feminist do' though and like I said, it jarrs me a bit to read you think your child would miss nothing by not having a father.

I can only base this on my own experience and the experiences of those I know who grew up without fathers. None have felt they missed out on not having a father. I'm sure lots of people are very lucky to have great dads, and would miss out. I want a child, but have decided romantic relationships with men will not be something I embark on for my own mental and physical wellbeing. Therefore this is my option.

@Goosefoot

Also, besides what if the child were disabled, what if you were disabled, or God forbid, died? Do you have family who could help, not just financially but mental and physical support?

I do. This was the first thing I considered before deciding to go down this road. I am incredibly lucky in that regard, and recognise I'm lucky that I can make this decision when so many women cannot. That's - I suppose - why I am interested in a radical feminists point of view here. I want to make sure I consider everything and make the right decision.

Also my child would not have a father, so how can my child miss something they never had? A sperm donor is not a father. Hope this makes sense, again English isn't my first language 😅

(Skipping some post because I do have other things to worry about) you do not need a father, your child just need to feel she/he is loved outside of his/her mother. Some family can provide that.

And to have a child, you will have show you don’t hate men (maybe their action) because that child may be a male himself.

@klinghoffer

Also my child would not have a father, so how can my child miss something they never had? A sperm donor is not a father. Hope this makes sense, again English isn't my first language 😅

Through comparison with popular culture and peers. So, they watch films which focus on the dad-child dynamic and imagine what it might have been like if they'd had a dad. They can't join in with Father's Day. They compare their friends' families with their own. Particularly if your child is a boy- they might imagine their dad would do all the stereotypical dad things. He might feel you can't understand him properly because you're female. He might wish he had a dad to talk to during puberty, rather than having to go to Mum- who never went through it from a male perspective- or Uncle X.

That's not to say they will feel that way (and as I've said, many kids who are conceived via the usual methods still end up having to navigate childhood fatherless), but I don't think you can categorically say that there'll be no impact on your kid.

@klinghoffer

Also my child would not have a father, so how can my child miss something they never had? A sperm donor is not a father. Hope this makes sense, again English isn't my first language 😅

Ah, no, actually a sperm donor is a father, that is how human biology works, and that is an issue that radical feminism has an opinion on - the body is real and significant part of who we are. What you will have is a child with an absent father.

The child would have a father, conceivably they could discover siblings or grandparents one day if they do one of those ancestry tests, and they will know they have a father who does not care to know them, and that you didn't care for them to know him.

And to have a child, you will have show you don’t hate men (maybe their action) because that child may be a male himself

The OP seems to think men are only useful for providing sperm. I'm not sure how she would explain that if she has a son.

I can only base this on my own experience and the experiences of those I know who grew up without fathers. None have felt they missed out on not having a father

Ok well now I think you're only taking on board what you want to hear. For every person who feels they didn't miss out there will likely be another who felt they did. It doesn't discount anyone's experience to admit that - that's just honesty. You can't say you are trying to consider from all angles without acknowledging that or by basing it on one type of experience. You at least need to know how you'd approach it if your child grew up feeling differently from you.

I read your posts and understand why this is the option you're considering. I haven't once said I think children need fathers or women need men to be happy or anything like that, but I have said you seem to be assuming growing up without one has absolutely no impact and is neither here nor there. I think that's a poor starting point to be making the decision from. I feel it would be more mature and informed if you acknowledged the potential downsides (further than finance/security), especially for the child and why you feel these aren't a barrier and how you could overcome them. That just seems so much more realistic to me than going in saying it will make no difference at all and that people who grow up conceived in this way/without a second parent are never affected.

@KormaKormaChameleon

I can only base this on my own experience and the experiences of those I know who grew up without fathers. None have felt they missed out on not having a father

Ok well now I think you're only taking on board what you want to hear. For every person who feels they didn't miss out there will likely be another who felt they did. It doesn't discount anyone's experience to admit that - that's just honesty. You can't say you are trying to consider from all angles without acknowledging that or by basing it on one type of experience. You at least need to know how you'd approach it if your child grew up feeling differently from you.

I read your posts and understand why this is the option you're considering. I haven't once said I think children need fathers or women need men to be happy or anything like that, but I have said you seem to be assuming growing up without one has absolutely no impact and is neither here nor there. I think that's a poor starting point to be making the decision from. I feel it would be more mature and informed if you acknowledged the potential downsides (further than finance/security), especially for the child and why you feel these aren't a barrier and how you could overcome them. That just seems so much more realistic to me than going in saying it will make no difference at all and that people who grow up conceived in this way/without a second parent are never affected.

I am exploring all avenues, that's why I've made the post. I want to hear all these opinions, and I want to make sure I'm doing the correct thing for the child but also for myself. I acknowledged right from the beginning of this thread that I want to make sure my child doesn't miss out on anything. I know people who have grown up without knowing their father and without having male influence who've said they didn't miss out. I also know people who grew up without a dad and felt they got the things they missed from other male influences. My child would have a grandfather who would be very involved in their life, and also uncles too. I'm lucky enough to have a great support system, without which this option wouldn't be possible for me I think.

@Goosefoot a sperm donor is a sperm donor, they are biologically the child's father but they wouldn't legally be their father or have any involvement in the child's life. Therefore they aren't the child's father.

Someone mentioned if I could use a known donor, but the idea doesn't sit right with me. I'd prefer to go through an agency. If my future child would like to know if they have siblings and perhaps even meet their biological father, then that would be okay with me. However it would be up to the donor if he would want the children to make contact. Lots do but lots don't.

@DidoLamenting

And to have a child, you will have show you don’t hate men (maybe their action) because that child may be a male himself

The OP seems to think men are only useful for providing sperm. I'm not sure how she would explain that if she has a son.

I don't know if they're even good enough for that. I hope there's a chance in the next 5 years for scientists to figure out this bone marrow situation so women can reproduce with other women sooner rather than later 😊

Just regarding finances, my friend who has gone down this route via Spanish clinics, by the time she had a successful pregnancy she'd spent in the region of £50K .. and a lot of sleepless nights and angst. In the end she was successful, but it's not an easy option.

@Mollyollydolly

Just regarding finances, my friend who has gone down this route via Spanish clinics, by the time she had a successful pregnancy she'd spent in the region of £50K .. and a lot of sleepless nights and angst. In the end she was successful, but it's not an easy option.

Thank you! I have spoken with a few agencies, and plan to do it at home. I understand I may have to pay a few times as it may not work first time around, and have budgeted for it. I'm still saving up too just in case of an emergency!

OP my husband and I had treatment with donor eggs (all unsuccessful). But we do have a birth daughter and adopted son.

When I was looking into donor eggs I heard about the Donor Conception Network.

I;d really recommend looking into this if you decide to do this.

www.dcnetwork.org/

I would also recommend getting in touch with the Donor Conception Network. Not a feminist group, but it would give you the chance to talk with 'solo mums' about their experiences and also other women in a similar situation to yourself.

FWIW I have a young adult daughter who was conceived with donor sperm. Not having a father and not knowing her donor was never an issue for her. Obviously everyone is different, but it's not a given that the child will feel they are missing out.

I don't know if they're even good enough for that. I hope there's a chance in the next 5 years for scientists to figure out this bone marrow situation so women can reproduce with other women sooner rather than later 😊

Oh for goodness sake, I know you're joking but can you imagine the reception on here if a man made a similar joke about a woman?

I actually skew more conservative than other posters on this issue. I do think children benefit from having fathers. I also think that boys would probably find it easier to talk to a dad than a mum about certain issues (like what to do after their first wet dream or whatever). This isn't to say that most single mothers don't do a wonderful job raising sons, but my personal view is that children benefit from having decent, loving fathers around. (Obviously they do not benefit from having fathers that are not loving or decent.)

Personally, I am also uncomfortable with the idea of sperm donation for these sorts of situations, as I believe it feeds into the idea that children are a right and a commodity. However, this certainly isn't a 'radical feminist' perspective, just my own. I recognise that others on this board feel very differently.

Slightly different perspective here.

I think you are mistaken to think your child won't miss out by having a father in their lives. In the community I live in fathers are everywhere, dropping children at school, taking them to football, organising an extremely impressive training program for aspiring female cricketers. The list goes on. All my friends have children with men who are very much involved in their children's lives.

I doubt the men do as much child care or house work as the mothers but their impact is significant. From reading mumsnet you would think men never did anything probably because women post more about useless partners than decent ones.

I think that the way forward for women is not to do all the work of bringing up a child themselves but for men to step up and take their fair share of it. Then their sons will grow up with better attitudes too and their daughters will have higher expectations. That children have a role model of a caring, hardworking man who respects women is in my opinion very important to feminism.

You just need to work out the practicalities.

What is your employers maternity package?
Do you have enough in savings to top up maternity pay for 9/12 months off?
Research local childcare- childminders/nurseries and world out the logistics of getting to/from work/childcare.
If you have a job that involves out of 9-5 work do you have family who will regularly babysit?
What about respite outside of work- everyone needs a break!
Work out on entitled to if you could get any universal credit especially if you have high childcare costs (over £200 a week is typical). Also add in child benefit.
Check if your employer does childcare vouchers.

But in general I’d recommend having a baby alone vs with a man!