DD selling her body online

[Throwaway966846]

Throwaway so it isn't linked to my account.
HELP please
My DD19 has informed me that she has been making adult videos and 'camming' to help pay for uni living.

I feel so let down. I no longer know the strong young woman I raised, I'm sure she's been influenced by uni friends that 'sex work is work' and empowering to do.
I don't know what to do, I don't want to alienate her but I can't stomach the thought of her selling her body online. How can I persuade her to stop? I feel like I've failed as a mother

Just wanted to add to those saying you have not failed as a mother in any way. She has made her decisions, not you. Many useful suggestions above about how to approach this with her but I'd say you need to be non-judgemental and supportive

I read some kind of article about this recently, which was quite scary in terms of how things escalated. The woman involved initially thought it was quite safe and harmless, but found the things people asked her to do kept escalating and it was harder to say no to the more extreme things after having done other things for them. Also I think there had been elements of blackmailing her (threats to release images?), and requests to do real-life things, and I think some of the men had tracked down her details (address etc). I seem to remember something about her posting knickers to men?

Unfortunately I can't remember exactly what it was or where I read it, and sorry it's a bit vague but I'm putting it here in the hopes it might jog someone else's memory who might also have seen it and be able to remember more about the article? It was definitely a cautionary tale, and might be worth sharing with your DD if we can track it down...

Tell her that with facial recognition technology improving it's wise not to do this for privacy and safety reasons. She might think she's anonymous, but she certainly isn't for those who are resourceful.

I’d be fucking livid. But she’s an adult and makes her own decisions now, even the poor ones.
You can’t palm this off of friends, if everyone of my uni mates was camming I wouldn’t ever ever do it.
I would talk to her about the potential of serious harm to her mental and physical health but other than that I’m not sure what you can do.

@TBHno

I wouldn't bamboozle her with the negatives. I would try to take a more balanced approach in order to guide her in the right direction.

For example, you could try to get her to write down the pros and cons of such work? Once written, she may come to the conclusion that there are far more negatives to positives with this kind of work.

You could also gently ask her how she may feel about this when she's 40, 50, 60, when she will probably be in a different career? How would she feel if her future work colleagues found out? Is she happy to keep switching careers every few years? As this may well haunt her.

No offence, but it's this soft touch to parenting that results in these situations in the 1st place imo.

I can't tell you what to do OP. But if it was me I would put my foot down, tell her the reality of the situation, and threaten to cut her off from the family if she doesn't change her ways.

And if she doesn't change her ways, then I probably would cut contact, until she realises the errors of her ways and comes back to me / the family.

Sometimes, people need to learn things the hard way.

Bloody hell that's a bit harsh!

What lesson would that be teaching her? Make a mistake and you're on your own?

She's a grown up. OP can't dictate how she behaves.

I feel so sorry for students these days. This time for them is meant to be pretty carefree and fun, but instead they pay/borrow huge sums of money, aren''t getting much tuition for it, and can't even mix among their peers properly. No wonder some want to do what your dd is doing. It is constantly at the back of my mind, as my dd is at Uni too, and I know if the financial situation got really hard she would consider this. I don't know if she would actually do it, I hope not,, but I wouldn't blame her if she did.

I went to uni over 12 years ago and I knew quite a few classmates who cammed. I believe it’s even more popular now because of OnlyFans and the like... she’s not the first and she won’t be the last.

I wouldn’t cut her off. That just teaches her that you aren’t there for her. I don’t think it’s a given at all that she’d eventually come back to you or the family, I know plenty of people who are estranged from their parents and have no contact, too.

How did the rest of the conversation go? Can you guess at what she wanted from it, from how she bought it up? Does she feel guilty that you don’t know? Was she seeking out your opinion? Does she want financial help?

Keep talking to her. You haven’t failed. It’s a different world and this is relatively easy money, but an awful idea, and she’ll see her way through that. Keep her onside, guide her where you can and support her to make better decisions - but it is her decision.

If I’m honest, there were times when money was really tight and friends were getting good payouts for what seemed like little work, and I considered it. The only thing that really stopped me pondering it further was that I wanted a career in law, and I was told these things would come back to haunt me in law/finance/politics etc. Otherwise I don’t think I’d have done it, but I don’t know. To 18 year old me, it seemed a million miles away from selling my body on the street.

There are so many influences that pressurise young people into sex work these days.

Everything from sex worker's unions at Freshers Week events, peer pressure, new age cults, even news stories in the media.

Also the money can be massively helpful and it does not make much sense to pretend otherwise.

OP, my advice to you would be exactly the same as for a parent whose child is invovled in a cult.

Don't try to dissuade them from their path. Stay in touch as much as possible. Show a genuine interest in their choices and let them know that you are there for them and will support them whatever their choices.

Always show loving curiosity about her choices and if there is something that really concerns you ask her to explain it to you in such a way that demonstrates that you are taking her seriously.

If you push her away or engage in conflictual dynamics it will push your DD further towards people who likely do not have her best interests at heart.

Pimps and exploiters will take any opportunity to drive a wedge between a vlnerable young person and their loved ones.

Your DD needs her mum now more than ever.

Sex work is real work

It's work, fine. Doesn't mean it's not dangerous, exploitative and potentially harmful. I mean, being a mercenary in Syria could be called work; it's not necessarily something the careers adviser would encourage young people to aim for.

How would your daughter feel if she saw someone she knew when camming? What if it was a family member Unlikely of course but that may make her think again about doing it.

It’s very unlikely that cam work will follow you around as you don’t use your real name or put face pictures anywhere. So don’t get worked up about that. Ultimately there’s bugger all you can do, you can earn far more for less effort doing that than you can in min wage/zero hour jobs.

@Coughpatrol

It’s very unlikely that cam work will follow you around as you don’t use your real name or put face pictures anywhere. So don’t get worked up about that. Ultimately there’s bugger all you can do, you can earn far more for less effort doing that than you can in min wage/zero hour jobs.

But if your face is onscreen at the same time as your naked body then there are face pictures. I imagine you could use GameBar on Windows or equivalent software to record what's onscreen. Then all it takes is for the client to upload it to a video sharing site and if OP's DD ever ends up in the public eye (or even becomes a teacher or similar and a parent finds her on the site and recognises her) then she's in a fair bit of trouble.

I did a lot of cam work I only recently stopped a year ago and I have two DC's

It's really not as bad as you think, it's probably the best job I've ever had it gave me freedom and allowed me and my family to live a decent life.

If you are in the UK and she isn't getting enough student loan to live on, it is because of your income as parents. You are supposed to at least top it up to the full loan amount students with low parental income get blog.moneysavingexpert.com/2020/09/martin-lewis--how-much-the-govt-expects-parents-to-give-their-ch/. Make sure she has enough money to live on, as well as expressing concern about her safety and future comfort.

Sites like OnlyFans have MLM pyramid scheme style recruitment strategies where the girls who create porn are paid a percentage of each friend's income that they recruit. It incentives them to promote it as easy and well-paid in order to do less humiliating sexual acts for the same income. I know girls recruiting their sisters as soon as they turn 18, it is highly exploitative with a lot of peer pressure and low profits for most. Physical prostitution is arranged through OnlyFans too, just like regular pornography.

Also I have never ever been recognised but I did go under a few names.

There's a difference between earning money a decent way and earning it the easy way.

I do understand if people need to do it to literally put food on the table (and theres no food bank nearby...?) or pay for the roof over their head (and they haven't been able to secure benefit/council housing or similar) ...but I suspect the vast majority of people do it for easy money, rather than out of necessity.

Sites like OnlyFans have MLM pyramid scheme style recruitment strategies where the girls who create porn are paid a percentage of each friend's income that they recruit

Fuck. That is predatory.

I have a friend who did some cam stuff when we were about 25 through reddit.

It was all grand until a friend of a friend stumbled upon her pictures and put two and two together and it went through our social circle like wildfire. I remember being on a work night out and one of the lads trying to “break it to me” just to get my reaction. I already knew, and didn’t care, but I’ll never forget how that little arsehole tried to make her out to be a cheap whore when he’d been happy to drool over her photos. It wasn’t her I judged, it was the fuckers looking at her pictures.

A friend of her brother, who lived in the US, recognised her from his wedding photos and told him. She had to tell her mum as her brother was shaming her so badly.

She never guessed that the ripple effect of one person recognising her would result in so many people finding out, and in a lot of cases, seeing the photos themselves. She quit after a few months but those photos are out there forever.

@TheJessicaClarke

Sex work is real work

Isn't sex work illegal, immoral, and defraud honest tax payers? (As the majority of sex workers do not pay the appropriate amount of income tax)

@TheJessicaClarke

Sex work is real work

Well sweat shop employees, child labourers, child soldiers, palm oil workers, bonded labourers etc also work. Doesn’t mean it’s good enough and that society should accept it as, oh well, it’s “work”.

Should people collecting job seekers allowance be asked to try onlyfans?

I'm amazed at the number of women who are so blase about sex work now, particularly those who call themselves feminists.

@TheJessicaClarke

Sex work is real work

No, it isn’t.

@coronaway

Should people collecting job seekers allowance be asked to try onlyfans?

I'm amazed at the number of women who are so blase about sex work now, particularly those who call themselves feminists.

Exactly...all the misogynists probably grin ear to ear when they see women taking their kit off under the false pretence that it is empowering.

Someone said (can't find it, think it was another thread) that if sex work is work like any other, it should be subject to the same health and safety risk assessments. And then banned because the risks are high.

I feel so sad for girls growing up in this porn-soaked culture, absorbing the message that this is all normal.

Best of luck to you and your daughter, OP.