Im concerned my DS (24) has gotten into Red Pill/MGTOW stuff

[CastleOfCary]

Hello, I’m not really sure if this is the right forum to post this in , but out of all the ones on mumsnet, it seems the most relevant.

So my son has a good social life, and since obtaining a bachelors degree took on a role with the Royal Marines, which he is really enjoying as a career. He’s also very into art (drawing, painting etc) which I must admit, he is very skilled at.

Last week he came home for a visit (first time he was on action since the whole lockdown lark was going on), and whilst conversing with him, I dropped into the conversation asking if he was seeing anyone. The response concerned me.

He started talking about how “marriage was a dead institution, and I am not jumping onto that dying trend.” Trying to keep an open mind I then asked why, to which he quoted a bunch of different divorce stats, and talked about other things like child support, biased divorce settlements in court and how he believes it’s outrageous this stuff happens etc.

He’s not particularly the “incel” type you might envision when it comes to this type of stuff, he’s a tall, handsome fella with blond hair and blue eyes, is in great shape and his life is fairly well together too.

However, I think part of this may be him coming from a place of hurt, and that could be how he got sucked into this philosophy the MGTOW type people have surrounding relationships, marriages etc. He had a girlfriend of three years who happened to have two affairs whilst in the relationship he didn’t find out about. She also happened to be very abusive too, and all of this is how I think he may have got sucked into this stuff.

Ever since this he’s refused to get involved in dating/relationships since. When he came back to visit last week, an old friend of his, a pretty blonde girl asked him out on a coffee date to which he declined “no thanks”. He seems hell bent on staying out of relationships and even just going out on dates forever at this point. How can I approach this situation, and perhaps try to get him out of this toxic mindset he might be in? Thanks

@CrossPorpoises harsh

Being stupid isn't a crime.

Neither is pointing out that someone might be.

There are loads of stupid people about so, you know, law of averages and that..

Have you actually asked him about it? Or spoken to him deeply about it? It's not clear from your post.

If it were my DS I'd say to him that he still sounds like he's very hurt over X, understandably and ask if he wanted to talk about it and how he was feeling about it all. Let him know that he could always talk to me without judgement.

I'd also just tackle the potential grooming head on. I'd just say that there are some people out there pushing these ideologies but they are horrendous and problematic for x, y and z reason. They target people who may have been hurt by a woman, low self esteem, etc etc and it's a form of radicalisation. Get him to listen to Laura Bates talking about how it recently on R4, if he shows interest in the topic.

It is completely possible he's just 'sworn off women' or doesn't want to get married because he's in his early 20s and in time things will change. Or it's possible he is being very damaged by online groups. We don't really know, but as he seems willing to discuss things with you maybe you could probe deeper?

True @CrossPorpoises. I meet them every day of my life. It might be true here but we are talking about OP’s son. Have a heart.

My mistake. I should've made it clear that I was not talking about OP's son but replying to OP's message immediately before mine. (Posted yesterday at 22.58)

I was talking about "the dude in real life".

Apologies to OP for any misunderstanding.

Hi CastleOfCary

You posted a response to my comment which I didn't understand, and can only think I didn't explain myself very well.

I was basically saying dont push relationships. But in case an all masculine environment in the marines is partly responsible for him starting to think / talk like a MGTOW, while he is home try and have a wider range of friends, family, aquaintances to socialise with who dont think like that. Not to say directly to him is it the marines are making you think like that.

But then realised the limit of only meeting 6 people could make that difficult.

‘@Stripesgalore I know a dude in real life at work who would be considered “conventionally” attractive by societal standards (ie tall, broad shoulders, chiseled jawline etc) who refers to himself as an “incel”. Which doesn’t really make sense to me as I thought incel meant “involuntarily celibate” (ie you don’t want to be celibate but you are because you feels looks or something are holding you back).‘

This is part of the problem though OP. The movement gets men to scrutinise tiny Supposed flaws in their physical appearance and makes them believe they are repulsive to women. It’s just a breeding ground for body dysmorphia.

Why don't you chat to your son? He probably needs to do the talking. It sounds to me that he needs your support.