coming out as non-binary changed my sex life for the better: I don't understand?!

[fuckinghellapeacock]

I really don't understand the 'non-binary" aspect of this article. Can anyone shed any light?

www.buzzfeednews.com/article/sefleenor/coming-out-as-nonbinary-changed-my-sex-life-for-the-better?utm_source=Sailthru&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=BuzzFeed%20News%20-%20July%2010%2C%202020&utm_term=News%20confirmed%20list

Apparently this woman felt that in order to have a sex life that wasn't about performing for a man and giving him the best orgasms ever, plus performing her own pretend "mind-blowing orgasms" to give him a sexual ego boost, she had to say she wasn't a woman at all. Because, see, now she's a PERSON, not one of those pesky woman-things who is there for the enjoyment of others.

It is just one long note from their boner, innit?

Whilst it could have been condensed into “when I stopped trying to live up to an impossible standard, I found I was actually normal.” there’s an element of a very sad woman trying to deal with her past in there.

How have people come to believe these aren’t special or uncommon feelings?

Well. I'm glad they've been able to let go of some of their internalised misogyny. Sad that they had to label this 'transition' but whatever it takes. Transition as a cultural escape hatch has never looked clearer.

This is why I will never not mock the concept of non binary. Because it absolutely positions women as walking sex dolls for men.

Good grief - that was hard to get through. What a fatuous load of drivel : people change, people have hang ups, relationships change, - it’s what happens to everyone to some degree or another. This person’s insistence that it is all about the labels isn’t helpful either because those new labels come with their own set of expectations,

Just be a decent human behaving decently to other humans that you have a sexual/romantic relationship with.

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Gosh, that is achingly self indulgent.

Well, it wasn't Shakespeare.
Look, I am glad that she and J have each other. They seem to love each other very much and that is wonderful.
However, that article is so self obsessive that it feels almost intrusive to read, like you've entered into someone's inner monologue about them and them alone. Really, it is a very long narration of a very ordinary thing.

Almost everyone in the real world is nonbinary in the sense that few of us exactly match the extreme gender stereotypes. But having it as a separate category of gender identities means that others are then assumed to be in those extreme categories (think of the Gi Joe and the Barbie doll). That is why I find it pernicious. It supports rigid gender roles with only one out.

So the gist is:

Gender roles are oppressive. (Yep, with you so far)

Puberty is difficulty and growing breasts is awful. (Yeah)

I felt pressure to behave the way society expects women to behave. (Again, yeah)

I dealt with this by saying I'm not a woman, so I don't have to do that shitty woman stuff anymore. Leave that to the real women who are all extremely comfortable with being rail thin and focusing on men's sexual pleasure above their own. (Aaarrgh!)

Also being trans gave me a sympathetic community and validation for my choices. (Well, most oppressed group ever, etc.)

Imagine if the first wave feminists had done that. Said "we want to vote and work and wear trousers and have short hair - because we're actually not women! You just keep oppressing those actual women who like being treated like chattel."

Agreed. What utter self obsessed drivel.

@FloralBunting

This is why I will never not mock the concept of non binary. Because it absolutely positions women as walking sex dolls for men.

And instead of helping women who have suffered trauma or have serious body issues come to terms with their female bodies it creates a “solution” that at its most extreme advocates for double mastectomies in YOUNG women, who may not yet fully understand themselves as people (let alone as women).

If a young woman’s coping mechanism is to have short hair and wear a sports bra and insist she is called “they” then ok. I’d still like anyone in that situation to be able to reconcile themselves with their sex but if it helps it helps. But too many NB women don’t just reject the term woman, but the physical body, and go down a medicalised route. And hating your body is so so so common in young (and older) women, why aren’t these women being told “it’s normal to feel like that. You’re not alone. Those older women you are being told to despise actually have felt/feel it too”?

Oh, yeah, because they might listen to us.

So, this is a revelatory tale of how honest and loving communication improves a couple's sex life. Wow.

Why is the partner in these sort of narratives always so willing to go along with the self indulgent navel gazing? I’d have loved it if J had just said “Ok, love, fine by me, whatever makes you feel comfortable. Shall I put the kettle on?” instead of all the weeping and holding each other and blah blah 😕

Also, she asked him “Would you divorce me if I transitioned?”, so he’s not her partner, he’s actually her husband. How boringly heteronormative

The whole thing comes across as immature, performative and self-obsessed, and boring.

This is why I will never not mock the concept of non binary. Because it absolutely positions women as walking sex dolls for men.

FloralBunting hits the nail on the head as usual.

I couldn't get to the end. It was just much of the same.
It reminds me of an article I read by a TM. The TM was raped and horrified because only women should be raped😩
They both spectacularly miss the point and seem almost happy that other women are treated badly once they have opted out of womanhood. If we just accept that there should be no expectations of what being a man or a woman should be everyone would be happier
But how could the non-binaries or trans stay special

That was a very boring & self obsessed article. Do people really behave & think like that all the time?

Bloody hell, what a load of nonsense. It's straight out of the pages of a modern day Mills and Boon novel. Talk about over performing!

I'm glad others have read the article so that I don't have to. It sounds awfully stupid and self obsessed.

How do people like this get to adulthood and not realise their experiences are near universal? There is absolutely nothing special about them at all.

Want to try things differently in your sex life with your partner? Talk to them about it. It's amazing what honesty and respectful dialogue from both sides can achieve. No made up label required so you can 'come out'. Sounds like a heterosexual woman who is desperate for a special 'coming out' story like 'those gay people'. 🙄

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Language!

It's actually worth a read, it genuinely made me laugh - with that deadly serious earnest tone on such a ridiculous topic, it could easily have been written for the Onion. Thanks for sharing OP.

The arrogance of thinking that telling someone that you want to be seen as ‘non-binary’ is comparable to coming out. Can’t help thinking that if many of these alphabet+ types were assigned work in a food bank for a month they’d be much more pleasant as people. Get them thinking about what actual concrete problems look like.

I read that article and had no idea what she was on about, so I looked up what being non-binary is and the explanation page here is absolutely opaque. I am clueless as to what they mean. No concrete examples are given about any of what they are talking about.

If they mean: I don't want to conform to a stereotype of what it means to be a woman or a man, then...don't. That's fine.

Isn't it creating a healthier society to say, 'I am a man. I like flower arranging and baking cakes and tying bows round kittens. I'm a man,' or 'I'm a woman. I like motor racing and weightlifting and footie on a Saturday. I'm a woman,' than to think if you don't fit a really gross narrow stereotype you have to cancel your natural born gender? Why constantly narrow what it is to be a woman or a man into Ken and Barbie status? I genuinely don't get it. What am I missing about the need for non-binary?

Non-binary people jumped a sinking ship taking the only functioning lifeboat.
I feel gender stereotypes are the problem. Does anyone know a transwoman that isn't girly, dressed in dresses and wearing makeup? - a large proportion of women don't do these things. I'd honestly like to talk to a person like that. I also feel that what males view women as being, and what bio women view women as being are two different things.