Is it fair to absolve my mother and, instead, blame men as a class?

[Herja]

Following a disagreement, where I was told it seems a bit 'man hating feminist', I'm interested in your views.

I had an early childhood in which I was neglected and occasionally abused. This was to a fairly serious level, though not all the time.

This happened because my mother was a raging drug addict. BUT, I have had hundreds of conversations with her; I know why she was a drug addict - it was because she was raped multiple times by multiple men from the age of 13. In ways which were horrific. I can actually remember some of it.

So rather than blame my mother, I blame men as a class for my childhood. And I blame men as a class, rather than my mother, for my resulting poor mental health. I actually have a good relationship with my mum.

I'm pretty set in this view to be honest, but is it fair (Like I think)? Or is it not right to blame men for this (As I have been told)?

"Blaming whole groups of people for what some people do is not what feminism should be about."

What is the cost of women's blame for men?

Does it look like women picking up machine guns and mowing down dozens of men in public places like churches, gyms, schools, movie theaters?

Does it look like mothers aborting baby boys by the millions annually?

Does women's blame keep men inside at night?

Does it keep men out of career positions that pay well but increase exposure to the negative consequences of women's blame?

What hardship is done to men who learn about women blaming men for the daily destructions that male-pattern violence inflicts?

Blaming whole groups of people for what some people do is not what feminism should be about

On the contrary, feminism is "about" making an analysis of the structural oppression of women as a class by men as a class.

As the OP sensibly says, this is not about individual men - this is about structures of power.

As theOPsensibly says, this is not about individual men - this is about structures of power

For the purpose of absolving individual woman of all responsibility and agency.

No one has said NAMALT. They have said you can't pin responsibility on an abstraction for something concrete

Very well put.

On the contrary, feminism is "about" making an analysis of the structural oppression of women as a class by men as a class

Then it has had its day...and has gone from being the struggle of women for equal civil and legal rights and opportunities, to a form of contemporary identity politics which pitches one group against another, in a never ending litany of grievance, victimisation and oppression.

It's been really interesting to hear the two sides in this. Thank you. In real life, people can be a bit uncomfortable with saying things like this, no matter how much I insist it really is fine, so it's good to hear less filtered opinions.

While I do obviously see that the things my mother did, or neglected to do, to me, must be attributed to her alone, for me, she was not really responsible for how the situation came about. That means that I can forgive her it entirely really. I blame the cause, not her. I think she would have been a very different parent, had she had an easier life; I think many of her choices were not a 'choice' at all in the true sense. This doesn't mean that I think anyone else should ever blame the patriarchy for their upbringing and forgive their parents; just that here, I genuinely do feel it is fair to blame the patriarchy for my childhood. Particularly as my childhood impacted my later mental health, leading me to be more vulnerable to male violence and abuse in turn.

@CatandtheFiddle

Blaming whole groups of people for what some people do is not what feminism should be about

On the contrary, feminism is "about" making an analysis of the structural oppression of women as a class by men as a class.

As the OP sensibly says, this is not about individual men - this is about structures of power.

Except that it's not, it's about a specific incidence where her mother did certain things, and some men did things to her mother, and maybe her parents, and who knows going on back.

You could talk about what kinds of things structures of power allow or encourage or dynamics they set up, and that might well have had a part in everything that transpired with the OP. You might say "the nature of men was what led to or caused the ongoing situation that ended in neglect and abuse of the OP".

But blame is a different thing that implies culpability. Though maybe the OP doesn't think of the word that way.

Yep, I can totally get where you're coming from OP.