To be glad I had a son

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I've name changed for this because it's not something I'm proud of and I don't think I'll come across well but I wanted to see if I was alone.

I always thought I would have a daughter, it wasn't so much that I wanted one just that there are so many girls in my family I'd kind of got it in my head that I'd have one too. I found out while I was pregnant that DS was DS and didn't think much more of it really.

Once he was born I started thinking about what his life might be like, how the world would change in his lifetime etc and I realised all the things he wouldn't have to go through just because he was male. No catcalling, no pinched bums from old men. Much less pressure on looks. He'll be listened to more in the workplaces. He'll probably earn better. The list goes on and on.

I know it's not right and I will continue to use my voice for change for women but, selfishly, I was relieved. I know that as a white male with married parents living in an owned home he had privileges not afforded to some and I'm relieved.

I understand OP, I won't pretend I've felt the same at times, but I approach much of this with the idea of "what if we had a girl?".

I fight for sanity and free speech and for the girls I didn't have (as well as the boy I did).

I don't have kids but I still only want girls. There are too many men in my family and most of them are useless. Being "glad" you had a son isn't necessarily a good thing because for all you know he could grow up to be an m*a misogynist. I'm not saying he will but it's a possibility especially with how the world is now and it's only getting worse.

I think it's very unlikely that we will raise a misogynist. I think I'm more pleased for him that he won't have these struggles? I know he'll have others but he won't have those ones.

I agree for the same reasons and am a mother of two sons. Our job is to now ensure they don’t turn into the type of men that we dislike.

I had a similar thought today. There is every chance my DS will grow up to be a white, male, middle class, heterosexual, able bodied adult and basically enjoy every privilege life has to offer.

I know I'll worry a lot less about him than his sister, so I hear you OP.

Much less pressure on looks.
Not true these days. There's loads of pressure on boys/young men to look good, go to the gym, wear the right clothes, etc.

I’ve got sons and I’m not at all convinced that the white male privilege they would benefit from now will be as prevalent in 20 years time. I hope it won’t anyway.

I’ve got two boys and I would have been equally happy with two girls.

There are lots of specifically ‘boy’ things I worry about for them - I think masculinity in our society is really toxic. I worry they won’t appreciate what a healthy sexual relationship with a woman looks like (if they are straight).

I understand that too. I have a daughter and two sons and I do worry less about the boys in some ways. Though I do have concerns about them being pushed into stereotypical male roles to some degree. Neither of them are "lads" and both have suffered some degree of bullying as a result. DS1 is largely oblivious and self identifies as a Geek, and DS2 is spectacularly good at sticking up for what he believes to be right, so I think they will both be ok. But my DD finds it hard to be taken seriously. She set herself up as self employed 2 days after she graduated and I am phenomenally proud of her for having the guts to do that. She faces difficulties that a man in the same circumstances would not though, compounded by the fact that she looks very young. She is bright and brave so I believe she will succeed but it is going to be harder for her than her brothers. The low level but continuous sexism she experiences will never happen to them, and sadly, some of the worst of it is from other women.

I know what you mean, OP. Sometimes the thought of my daughter growing up and going out into the world makes me feel sick, especially if I've just been reading the news.

I worry about my son, too, but for different reasons.

I mean, I do worry as a competitive sport, so there is that ...

I think its swings and roundabouts.
My son won't face the struggles I have, but it's my responsibility to raise him to be empathetic and moral in a way that a lot of men aren't. And those men's mothers must have wanted the best for them too. I dont believe mothers try to raise bad men but it happens, and it's my job to make sure it doesn't.

Gender bullshit starts so early. People have already gotten on at me about the length of his hair, and he's not even 6 months.

Mumoblue, my oldest DS who will be 6 next week has the most beautiful curly hair. He wears it to his shoulders because that’s how he likes it and it’s his trademark look now. Some people still comment that it needs to be cut but the vast majority have given up now!

I was devastated when I found out we were having a boy and now he is here I am so relieved. I am such an awful worrier that I dont know what I would do if I had a daughter, just knowing how tough the world is to navigate as a female. I am actually sticking with one child for this reason as I would end up hating all men.

I am still working on the not being mysoginistic, not helped by ex...

I am in the swings and roundabouts camp. Its easy to forget how much male violence is directed to other males. My brother was violently assualted and put in a coma once just for walking down a street. How much more likely a son is to fail education, commit suicide, end up in prison. I get upset about my children potentially being used as cannon fodder in some america v china war. And whilst they should find it easier to rise up to be CEO than a daughter, most men arent CEO - they could end up in physically demanding and dangerous work - more men get killed at work digging roads etc.
I'm a feminist and am used to centering women but im also a mum so i can see the things i want to protect and prepare my boys for too. And of course i have to raize them to be good men and not misogynists.

I think there are 2 sides to the coin.

I agree being worried about your looks is definitely not just a female thing.

My DS is really caring and loving, maybe some would say soft, he is only petite, I worry how that will fair for him in his teenage years and the expectation that's placed on young men to be big and masculine.
Is he more at risk of being stabbed by gangs.

It would be nice to think he wouldn't have a much more privilege life in the future, but I do think he will as I don't think things will change that dramatically in 10 - 15 years.

Sorry I was doing a mandatory lockdown quiz. I absolutely agree that there are different pressures on men. Most concerningly I'm not as aware of those. I believe there has been an increase in young men abusing steroids for example. However I hope he'll never feel unsafe the way I have. I was once mugged for bloody frozen food!

I really believe my DH is as good an example of a man as I could possibly have found. So I'm hoping that we'll get through it together and bring him up to be a good person.

@Mumoblue you're right there, DS is a big baby and all I hear is how good that is "boys need to be strong", "he'll be tall then, he'll get all the ladies". He is 6 months old and I don't believe he has shown any preference just yet.

We're very aware of some of the consequences of toxic masculinity. DH has had to have counselling to overcome some of the things ingrained into him while he was growing up.

^I’ve got two boys and I would have been equally happy with two girls.

There are lots of specifically ‘boy’ things I worry about for them - I think masculinity in our society is really toxic. I worry they won’t appreciate what a healthy sexual relationship with a woman looks like (if they are straight).

Yes, but the fear for your two girls having a relationship with boys who can't have healthy sexual relationships is a much different, more frightening worry.

I have both OP and I hope I will never raise a misogynist but you can't assume you won't. Every misogynist had a mother. And that mother was likely to be there for him far more than his father. But he still turned against women.

Hopefully men won't have as much privilege but they will still always have the same privileges in relationships at least in our lifetime. Women still have the baby. Women still take the risks during PIV sex and women will always be more at risk of sexual assault and DV

I understand the feeling OP and few the same way.

I can control to an extent how my son is brought up to behave, but I'd have no control over a girl being sexually harassed etc...

No. I really worry for my eldest. He is small and slight and very sensitive. He is every thing our culture tells a man he should not be. I think his life is going to be so much harder because of this.

I didn't have kids because I couldn't bear the idea of bringing a girl into the world who would endure what I have endured, nor that of bringing a boy into the world who might grow up to be part of the problem.

I understand OP. I have had that thought myself.

Aside from the many obvious reasons, I had PND and have PMDD and am grateful my son won’t go through either.

I have one of each, I do see where you are coming from, OP.

No. I really worry for my eldest. He is small and slight and very sensitive. He is every thing our culture tells a man he should not be. I think his life is going to be so much harder because of this

I also think there is more pressure on boys to become established with careers/trades etc Girls can get away with more in that respect, and are allowed more space and given less restraint over jobs and earning a living.

Boys will learn, by & large, from what is modelled for them by their parents and other male role models; especially by their fathers. They are not inherently bad just because they are male