What's the point

[MayhapsIAm]

I didn't know where else to post this. I'm a lurker, an unknown, but I'm about to burst with the pain of it all so here some of it is.

I suppose I first discovered I was worthless at 13. I'd had catcalls before then and there were adult men who had made me feel uncomfortable without me knowing quite why, but 13 was the age when I knew nothing I said would ever really matter and compared to the atrocities that women face around the world every day it was nothing. A non thing. But those non things add up.

So, what IS the point? I've fought, in my own private and small way, to stick up for what is right. I've got in the middle of fights to stop grown men from battering their partner, I've asked 'who do you think you are?' when I've seen women harassed in pubs, clubs, buses, trains, supermarkets, at work, walking down the street, in shops. I've stood in the head teachers office and argued about changing the protected characteristics from 'sex' to 'gender identity', I've stood up to the complaints of transphobia made anonymously to my employer. I've lost friends. I've donated and signed petitions. I've done what I can, when I can to defend women and girls and what's the point?

So few people give a shit. At all. I KNOW I'm not wrong. If I'd NEVER read any of the literature, if I'd never poured over the information posted on here by women, if I'd never heard of 'the terf wars' I'd still be confident I was right because I've seen it since I was 13 and we don't matter.

I don't know what to do. What's the point in speaking out? Telling our stories of our lives? So few believe us. We are mocked for our pain, laughed at for being raped, slurred for our thoughts. It's never ending and exhausting.

And the saddest thing for me is I've got it good. I've not had a bad life. I've been raped (didn't report - what's the point), sexually assaulted (didn't report - would have been doing it pretty much weekly from the ages of 13-30 - what's the point), overlooked in favour of younger, less experienced, less intelligent men in my career, spoken over by men who know nothing about the topic (any topic), been mocked for leaking blood onto my jeans, flashed at, followed home, called a slag for being sexually active, called a slag for not wanting to be sexually active, spat at, slapped and it's nothing unusual. When women sit down and think about all the casual throwaway 'show us your tits love' shouts, all the sneaky arse pinching and breast grabbing, the times when they've been genuinely afraid you realise it's insidious. It's so overwhelmingly horrific. Yet I still know I've got it good. Compared to most women in the world I've got it good.

I've cried tonight. I've cried for the women in the world who don't have my privileges. For the women that do. For our daughters who, if they are lucky, will have a life as good as mine. And selfishly I've cried for me. For the 13 year old me pinned to a table in a classroom with her shirt ripped open so a gang of boys could 'have a go' on my breasts. For the 13 year old me who's ordeal was ended by a teacher walking in and pretending nothing was happening, who ignored my tears and reprimanded me for not being where I was supposed to be and I cried for my 13 year old daughter for who the world has gotten worse.

I read JK Rowlings incredibly moving writing and I read the pile on afterwards. I just feel broken.

I'm sorry. There's no point to this post and it's all over the place. It was 4.30am when I started it and it's 5.30 now. (Many bits deleted many times). It's just a rant to people I don't know and who don't know me. The cowards way out. There is no point. It's an early morning glitch that has helped me to collect my thoughts for when my alarm goes off in 15 minutes and I start another day. Another day of quietly trying to make the world make sense when it appears to just fucking hate us.

I hear you & can’t not respond. We are many, we keep doing what we can. For our daughters, for the women who fought this before. We have logic & reality in our arsenal. I have days like yours. Too many. Surround yourself with women who think like you. I have a network of strong righteous women. I hear their voices every day and it fills me with hope & galvanises me and soothes me when I have my moments. Do what you can when you can but don’t beat yourself up when it’s all too much.
This place is the best therapy, full of wisdom & wit. Even when I want to cry there’s someone on here who makes me laugh. Truly my tribe! Shoulder to shoulder.

I hear you (❤️)
Take a breath. It’s okay to cry and rest and let others take the burden for a while xx

I hear you OP. You aren't alone in how you feel. JKR described perfectly the current state of play - this is an extremely chilling Male activist movement - but we are strong, we see through it and we will beat it.

Are there any local GC feminist groups to you that you can join?

You have other women. And every women you stood up for remembers that there was another woman who saw them.

For as long as there have been humans there have been other women for us. As you hold your daughter, you are held by women, all the way back to a little proto lizard, who know why you hurt.

Little by little we are making a difference. But you don’t have to do it every day all alone, you get to be kind to yourself as well as others.

I can relate to every word you have written, and I'm feeling the same.
It's the feeling that we are just drowning in misogyny, and no matter how loud we shout nobody is listening.

I feel you OP.

And I'm going to add that I'm FUCKING ANGRY at MEN who are in relationships with WOMEN who would never consider having sex with a man, but who say nothing.

I post on FB and I've had men say to me in messages that they support what I say. Thanks for posting etc. But what abuse will they be getting if they post? None in comparison. I'm viewing heterosexual men in an entirely different light right now - and as someone who has been raped and sexually assaulted many times, they weren't covered in glory to start with.

Imagine a bunch of guys saying simply "Look mate, wear what you want, you do you, but I don't fancy men/want to shag a man". Instead they "love" us women, watch abuse of women on pornhub and stand by while we get threats of death and sexual violence.

The internalised hatred of women is utterly staggering.

And I have no idea how to undo that

Could be worse, OP.

You could be a man.

It is human to the core to feel this pain, this fatigue at fighting what feels like an invisible enemy at times (glaringly obvious at others). What is true though, is that there really is so many people who would share your views if they even knew it was happening. They are the people who are not on social media or who simply filter out what seems to be fake news.

What JKR has done is burst open the gates of silence? I cannot believe that she has not taken the discussion to many more people who would not have thought beyond the initial thought of be kind. What I take heart in knowing is that she mentions the thousands of missives she has received in support away from the platforms that reward woke thinking.

Even here on MN there’s plenty of supporters. I think it surprises many who think that the feminist chat board is an echo chamber to then realize that the wider MN believes JKR is right too.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/am_i_being_unreasonable/3934192-JK-Rowling-is-she-being-unreasonable-YABU-dont-agree-with-JK-YANBU-do-agree-with-JK-MNHQ-edited-wonky-title

There are plenty of new discussions this week of people coming and asking open questions. I hope that somehow helps to know that the tide IS changing and that the effort will continue to grow momentum. Look at how many articles have been released in recent months. Proof the your effort, my smaller effort, all our effort does have impact.

I hear you OP, and I weep with you.
I've only recently found this board. It has horrified and encouraged me in equal measure.As blackdog says, take a rest, we're here for you.

OP, I hear you. Feeling a bit the same, myself, today.

The rage unleashed against women who dare to ask questions is quite breathtaking and scary to see. Always darkest before the dawn.

Take very good care, be gentle and kind to yourself.

I hear you op and can relate to everything you’ve said. It can feel very overwhelming at times and it’s good to step back when it becomes to much as I have at times.
My 15 yr old dd (at the time) was called transphobic by her teacher during a conversation about sex & gender for staying a fact. My dd is very confused at why adults just aren’t getting it. You take your wins though... as she’s about to leave school for 6 th form in September dd burned her bridges in spectacular fashion. As part of homeschooling dd was sent the gender bread person- a ridiculous resource banned in some places that is entrenched in sex stereotypes. Dd really enjoyed completing the task by putting vulva where sex was in big black letters and adjusting brain to mulch ‘because mine doesn’t work because it’s full of glitter’.... before putting a recommendation that the teacher uses more appropriate resources with a link to Safe School Alliance.

It’s hard op. Sometimes you just have to find a way to take a win however small.

Don’t know how to bring you comfort OP but I hear you. The women here are listening. Imagine us gathering around you. You are not alone.

These days I'm half falling back on the idea that the world is a complex and difficult place - it's not my job to fix it. It's not possible for me to fix it.

People have burned women at the stake, kidnapped, tortured and worked people to death on the plantations, gassed people of a different religion - humans have the capacity for such horror and I can't change that.

I can stand up and be counted but this might be something I can't stop. Bad things will happen. Maybe people will learn.

Stay strong. We seem to win a couple inches then lose a few. An uphill battle all the time... but think in generations... We've come a long way and will get further.

You're not alone. Think of it like this, and sit back for a while letting others take the brunt. I'm an encouraging honker rather than a point flyer, but it still helps!

"Next fall, when you see Geese heading south for the winter, flying along in V formation, you might consider what science has discovered as to why they fly that way: as each bird flaps its wings, it creates an uplift for the bird immediately following. By flying in V formation the whole flock adds at least 71% greater flying range than if each bird flew on its own. People who share a common direction and sense of community can get where they are going more quickly and easily because they are traveling on the thrust of one another. When a goose falls out of formation, it suddenly feels the drag and resistance of trying to go it alone and quickly gets back into formation to take advantage of the lifting power of the bird in front. If we have as much sense as a goose, we will stay in formation with those who are headed the same way we are. When the Head Goose gets tired, it rotates back in the wing and another goose flies point. It is sensible to take turns doing demanding jobs with people or with geese flying south. Geese honk from behind to encourage those up front to keep up their speed. What do we say when we honk from behind? Finally, and this is important, when a goose gets sick, or is wounded by gunshots and falls out of formation, two other geese fall out with that goose and follow it down to lend help and protection. They stay with the fallen goose until it is able to fly, or until it dies. Only then do they launch out on their own, or with another formation to catch up with their group. If we have the sense of a goose, we will stand by each other like that."
(Reprinted from materials provided by Bonnie J. Collins, EdM, LCSW-R)

I hear you too OP. If only I had known when I was 10 that I could have identified my way out of being sexually assaulted, or of being denied a career, or of being made redundant while pregnant. Silly me. I wish I could stop caring, stop feeling angry. But I have a daughter. Shes now the age I was when I was first assaulted and I am terrified for her. So I hear you. I dont have any reassurance to offer other than that. And I care. And so do many, many others.

I have been feeling down over the last couple of days too, OP.
It's just exhausting. I want to rally some of the strength that all those women who came before us had, but really I just feel like having a little cry.
I feel very alone. My friends social media posts are full of bile about what JK wrote and I'm shocked that these women that I used to rant about male privilege with are now drinking the kool-aid. Not just in a #bekind way but in a very aggressive way that makes me question if our friendships will last. We were each others bridesmaids FFS.

I just hug my little girl and hope that by the time she gets to 13 we will have turned a corner.
I have no advice, just solidarity.

I like that, pickle !

Honk honk!

Wow pickle that's beautiful.

I hear you, you’re not alone ❤️

I hear you. I feel exactly the same. Xxxxx

I think I’ve been crying on and off all this week, everything does just get too much. You are not alone OP, thousands of us here could have written your post with only slight variations. Bloody hell, I felt like JKR had been in my head when I read her essay yesterday.

I can only hope Liz Truss will come through for us. If she doesn’t then it seems direct action is the only thing that works. Will the BBC and Netflix remove programmes that are offensive to women? Will statues of misogynistic men be torn down?

I just don’t know how to go forward.

I completely agree with you. There is a really good comment piece by Janice Turner in today’s Times. She notes that while we aren’t allowed to call ourselves women anymore, it’s still fine for men to be men. She then notes the consequences for our health: “The first six paragraphs of NHS guidance on prostate screening uses men/man nine times; the first nine paragraphs on cervical screening uses “women” once with a caveat about trans men.” She notes that terms like “menstruators” or “people with cervices” obscure and undermine important health messages like these, especially for those whose first language may not be English.

Cervices would be indeed be obscure; meant cervixes.

picklemewalnuts - I love that story.