What's the point

[MayhapsIAm]

I didn't know where else to post this. I'm a lurker, an unknown, but I'm about to burst with the pain of it all so here some of it is.

I suppose I first discovered I was worthless at 13. I'd had catcalls before then and there were adult men who had made me feel uncomfortable without me knowing quite why, but 13 was the age when I knew nothing I said would ever really matter and compared to the atrocities that women face around the world every day it was nothing. A non thing. But those non things add up.

So, what IS the point? I've fought, in my own private and small way, to stick up for what is right. I've got in the middle of fights to stop grown men from battering their partner, I've asked 'who do you think you are?' when I've seen women harassed in pubs, clubs, buses, trains, supermarkets, at work, walking down the street, in shops. I've stood in the head teachers office and argued about changing the protected characteristics from 'sex' to 'gender identity', I've stood up to the complaints of transphobia made anonymously to my employer. I've lost friends. I've donated and signed petitions. I've done what I can, when I can to defend women and girls and what's the point?

So few people give a shit. At all. I KNOW I'm not wrong. If I'd NEVER read any of the literature, if I'd never poured over the information posted on here by women, if I'd never heard of 'the terf wars' I'd still be confident I was right because I've seen it since I was 13 and we don't matter.

I don't know what to do. What's the point in speaking out? Telling our stories of our lives? So few believe us. We are mocked for our pain, laughed at for being raped, slurred for our thoughts. It's never ending and exhausting.

And the saddest thing for me is I've got it good. I've not had a bad life. I've been raped (didn't report - what's the point), sexually assaulted (didn't report - would have been doing it pretty much weekly from the ages of 13-30 - what's the point), overlooked in favour of younger, less experienced, less intelligent men in my career, spoken over by men who know nothing about the topic (any topic), been mocked for leaking blood onto my jeans, flashed at, followed home, called a slag for being sexually active, called a slag for not wanting to be sexually active, spat at, slapped and it's nothing unusual. When women sit down and think about all the casual throwaway 'show us your tits love' shouts, all the sneaky arse pinching and breast grabbing, the times when they've been genuinely afraid you realise it's insidious. It's so overwhelmingly horrific. Yet I still know I've got it good. Compared to most women in the world I've got it good.

I've cried tonight. I've cried for the women in the world who don't have my privileges. For the women that do. For our daughters who, if they are lucky, will have a life as good as mine. And selfishly I've cried for me. For the 13 year old me pinned to a table in a classroom with her shirt ripped open so a gang of boys could 'have a go' on my breasts. For the 13 year old me who's ordeal was ended by a teacher walking in and pretending nothing was happening, who ignored my tears and reprimanded me for not being where I was supposed to be and I cried for my 13 year old daughter for who the world has gotten worse.

I read JK Rowlings incredibly moving writing and I read the pile on afterwards. I just feel broken.

I'm sorry. There's no point to this post and it's all over the place. It was 4.30am when I started it and it's 5.30 now. (Many bits deleted many times). It's just a rant to people I don't know and who don't know me. The cowards way out. There is no point. It's an early morning glitch that has helped me to collect my thoughts for when my alarm goes off in 15 minutes and I start another day. Another day of quietly trying to make the world make sense when it appears to just fucking hate us.

Pickle, you have just made me cry. What an uplifting post. I was watching a skein of geese flying over the hills above my village yesterday, in tight V formation, all benefiting from their joint efforts in flight.
What a lovely analogy for the support of feminist sisters both here on MN and around the world.
OP, you are not alone, and it is not your single handed responsibility to fight misogyny. Do what you can - donate to feminist charities and activists, speak out when you have the strength and opportunity - but rest when you need to, drop back a little and let the next goose take on the lead. Bless you, and all the brave women soaring in formation.

I hear you op. I've shared many very similar experiences to you. I feel broken by reading the responses to JK too. I have nothing constructive to say, but to thank you for writing - I can't even find coherence right now.

To add its the reaction of women, supposedly left wing women like me, that is hurting me so much. Men, I expected it from.

[flower]

I hear you OP.

I'm going to take a break from social media because the whole JKR thing is exhausting. I've been arguing with dipsticks on here and Twitter and it's worn we out.

It's a war of attrition and women will not submit.

Thanks pickle for the geese analogy. x

We hear you @MayhapsIAm

And your post could have been written by millions of women, the world over. What you speak of is our common experience.

I often wonder what more I could have done, than the ordinary everyday actions of a feminist in lived experience. And then I think of the ending of George Eliot's masterpiece, Middlemarch - probably the best novel ever written. Her last two paragraphs about Dorothea Brooke, her heroine:

While this is the social air in which mortals begin to breathe, there will be collisions such as those in Dorothea's life, where great feelings will take the aspect of error, and great faith the aspect of illusion. For there is no creature whose inward being is so strong that it is not greatly determined by what lies outside it. A new Theresa will hardly have the opportunity of reforming a conventual life, any more than a new Antigone will spend her heroic piety in daring all for the sake of a brother's burial: the medium in which their ardent deeds took shape is for ever gone. But we insignificant people with our daily words and acts are preparing the lives of many Dorotheas, some of which may present a far sadder sacrifice than that of the Dorothea whose story we know.

Her finely touched spirit had still its fine issues, though they were not widely visible. Her full nature, like that river of which Alexander broke the strength, spent itself in channels which had no great name on the earth. But the effect of her being on those around her was incalculably diffusive: for the growing good of the world is partly dependent on unhistoric acts; and that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs.

That final sentence:

"that things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs"

Powerful.

I hear you, I've just had a horrible conversation with my son who I'd previously thought understood my perspective when he casually commented on 'Rowlings doubling down on what she said'. I asked him whether he'd meant to say 'Rowlings wasn't changing her view'.

I reiterated why ordinary women are worried about the pressure from the trans activists but I don't think he got it, he was just pissed off at me calling him out. He'd never heard of Karen White. He's still concerned about transwomen being at risk if they use men's toilets ffs.

I feel like I could just cry and so tempted to down tools on the mothering for a while as it's not fucking worth it if they are going to perpetuate the patriarchy.

I think next time I update my will I'm going to include some female charities but I don't know how I find some that will hold the line and continue to Centre women.

One thing I'm not going to do is stop this fight, if we give up rights slide back even more for women. If all we can do is try and hold the current line that's better than not.

I have cried this week too OP. And welled up again just now reading pickle's post.

BUT, I have also had two really encouraging conversations with my previously woken-than-woke young adult daughters, who are finally saying 'wait a minute...' I think the BLM issue has thrown a new light on it (which is probably why JKR has come under such attack for bringing this up now.) BLM has shown that white people can't speak for black people, or understand their experiences. My daughters were desperate to show their support for BLM, and really listen to the voices of black people. The likes of Daniel Fucking-Radcliffe (I've given him a new double barrelled name) now speaking over a women and saying she's wrong to talk about her own lived experience, and that she isn't allowed to choose the words to describe and define her own identity, has shown up the rank misogynistic hypocrisy in a way that is impossible for them to ignore.

I have felt lower this week than I have in a long, long time and have had to swerve social media (which directly impacts my ability to do my job.) I'm so thankful for the brave and articulate women here for speaking the truth and holding out their hands to stop us all from sinking in the mire of misogyny. We won't sink. We won't.

OP you are not alone. I suffered sexual abuse as a child. I have never breathed a word to my DH or my DDs.

When they were growing up I was very protective of my daughters, but never said why. Now one of them thinks I'm a bigot for my GC views. I still can't tell her why I feel so strongly.

I do feel invincible when I think about the unbroken chain of our female foremothers.....nobody can take that away. We will survive.

I'm with you

I hear you.

Honk honk.

You are not alone
Beer your daughter is fantastic. I'll mark her homework

OP, we're here.
I felt helpless yesterday and sobbed reading JKR's essay. I sent it on to people and donated to lumos and felt slightly better. I've got girls too and despair.

To give you hope, from a woman who feels as you do - all three of my daughters get this and speak up, and one is very much involved in activism. I speak publicly myself, under my own name, and the more I do so, the more I see other women find the courage to stand up. I speak openly at work, and yesterday watched a group of ordinary working class female colleagues get very angry as they talked about JK Rowling because they were so incensed at the rudeness of men telling a woman about periods - they didn't even know the exact content of the abuse she received on Twitter, and when I dropped in that JK had written an article explaining what she was talking about and why, every single one said 'well what's wrong with being who you want but knowing that your biology matters and can't be changed?' in various ways.

The people that buy into woman-hatred wholesale are few. There are more that will go along with it in silence because they are afraid or don't grasp the consequences. There are so many more who are waiting to stand up if they can see they are not going to be standing alone.

That's one of the reasons I still post on FWR. I'm standing so you can see me, so you know you are not alone, just as I do under my real name elsewhere. We have definitely got your back xx

I hear you ❤️

We need a goose emoji...ive only got a swan, or chicken, or dove or turkey and I don’t think they are appropriate

I feel the same. This debate is so very raw and painful if you are a victim of sexual assault (which let's face it, large numbers of women are). It is almost unbearably painful.

The pain is at its most acute when I see other women hurl abuse at 'transphobes' or try to argue for the other side, thinking they are being compassionate, left wing and inclusive. I want to turn my back on those friends and say, you aren't my ally, you don't know the first thing about how vulnerable you really are, just because of your sex.

Reading Mumsnet over the years and knowing there is an army of us who feel the same is what has kept me going.

Wow picklemewalnuts I love that. Honk honk!

I’m not great with words so I rely on those who are - I have this pinned up.

OP I think you’ve eloquently and painfully voiced what many of us feel. It’s exhausting. At times I just want to hide. I feel like saying ‘fuck it’ let all of you have your fantasy - as biological women we’re going to get shat on whichever stance we take. But I keep on keeping on because I have kids. It really is the only thing that keeps me alive because I can’t give up. Lay low for a few days, try and find someone in real life that shares your views. Or just take care of yourself. That post by Pickle was beautiful. You’re at that point OP where you need the flock to carry you. Let us do that for you.

He's still concerned about transwomen being at risk if they use men's toilets ffs

Well, as a young man, it is his "woke" progressive duty to ensure that transwomen are safe in men's loos. It is his duty as a woke boy to educate his male brothers to keep transwomen safe.

Because, as we all know, it's not radical feminists who are physically assaulting and hurting transwomen.

I am finding it absolutely impossible to work today. Just feeling so battered ans bruised. Had a horrible argument with a colleague about this on fb so now terrified about going back into work. Just totally drained and lost. Will be spending a lot of time on this thread today I think!

things are not so ill with you and me as they might have been, is half owing to the number who lived faithfully a hidden life, and rest in unvisited tombs"

Wow. Resonates on many levels.

I feel exactly the same. It's devastating to watch and it's hard to handle.

Have absolutely splitting headache today, just exhausted. Am so drained from it all. I also feel pretty hopeless at the moment. Well, angry, tearful, helpless. I know it will pass, but It just feels like we have so far to go. Do I think the tide will turn eventually? Yes, but it's a long road.

Unfortunately, my belief in "sunlight" being the answer has been shattered. It is for some, but has also revealed that many simply do not care about women at all. In addition, the 're-education' aspect has been going on for many years now under the radar. I think it will take a long time to unpick.

I am beyond disgusted at the "woke" celebrities joining in the pile on. I honestly believe we will find ways forward, but we're in the eye of the storm right now and today I just don't feel able to see what they are in a practical sense.

Isn't it beautiful?

George Eliot is the best.

I've been comforting myself with reading up on Hannah Arendts. A quote for today 'clichés, stock phrases, adherence to convention, standardised codes of expression and conduct have the socially recognised function of protecting us against reality'.

MayhapsIAm
This is such a moving post, which had me in tears this morning, and I think your raw emotion gets to the crux of this issue better than any biological facts or stats could. As other posters have said, your experiences are all too common, and this is why it matters so much that women and girls are protected from the predatory behaviour of men. I really can't understand why so many people (especially women) can't get seem to get this. It isn't really about trans people it's about men (NAMALT of course). I have also been horrified over the last few days by the attacks on JKR and particularly by the response to her letter yesterday, which I feel explains so clearly what the issues are - but many people are still refusing to listen
I literally screamed at my television this morning, as Fern Britton (on JV) admitted that most women have been the victims of a sexual assault, but she still couldn't see the problem with biological men in women's spaces. How can anyone be that stupid?!
Anyway, on the plus side, I really think that JKR's courage in speaking about this could be a turning point, because it's brought the issue out into the open and there seems to be a lot of support for her among the general public.
Personally, having also been a longtime lurker, I actually feel empowered to do something now. It's not much - but I sent JK's letter to my sister yesterday for her to show to her lovely, but very woke, son, and I intend to send a message of support to JK, and a bloody rude email to the Body Shop. I am doing this, while I should be homeschooling - but I feel this is more important for my daughter's future.
I hope you managed to get some sleep and are feeling a bit better today. Be assured, you have lots of people on your side.