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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

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Original poster

Relief of wearing a face covering

42 replies

DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda · 07/06/2020 08:03

This is a weird one to write, and I don't want to be unsympathetic to anyone who struggles with face coverings due to hearing issues, sensory issues or other reasons, or to those who are forced to wear face coverings by others' views on religion and women's place, but wearing a face covering for my weekly shop this week made me realise how often I use a simpering smile to practically excuse my own existence usually, and what a relief it is to feel my facial expression is none of anyone else's business.

I know for sure that I smile loads more than my husband would on a supermarket trip, and not because I love groceries so much, but to generally signal my niceness etc. It is really nice to not need to bother with that. Does anyone else recognise this part of (my) female conditioning and feel similar about face covering?

OP posts:
TirisfalPumpkin · 07/06/2020 08:08

I don’t disagree, and I have sensory issues about stuff on my face/ears. I feel more like I have a right to be out as an equal participant in society, and my inner thoughts and feelings aren’t a matter for public comment.

While I still consider religious head/face coverings inherently sexist, it does make me view the women who choose to wear them in a new light.

LivingThatLockdownLife · 07/06/2020 08:15

Yes.

I have resting bitch face. It has honestly held me back in life, in friendships and in my career. My face looks angry and miserable even when inside I feel perfectly fine. I frown a lot when I listen or talk. It's utterly shit and I actually am considering Botox to help. Not even joking.

I was forced to wear a mask during a GP visit recently and it was honestly liberating. I felt so relaxed. Not having to constantly consciously try and make my face more approachable.

I also enjoyed the privacy. I have what people might call a sardonic or twisted sense of humour which means I have a tendency to smile at things other people don't find funny .. which again has held me back at work. With the mask I was free to smile as inappropriately as I wanted!

I did have a fleeting thought of "I wish I could wear this all the time".

It would definitely level the playing field for me at work Grin

BillyCotton · 07/06/2020 08:53

A lot of women smile when they are in an awkward situation.

BitOfFun · 07/06/2020 09:00

It's great for disguising a double chin...

Cooroo · 07/06/2020 09:10

I smile and thank people more these days. I'm a cyclist so have to work hard to overcome possible hostility. Also in supermarkets if people are moving out of the way helpfully I smile and say thanks. Why wouldn't you? I'm not simpering or appeasing, just being nice.

Gronky · 07/06/2020 09:29

I have resting bitch face. It has honestly held me back in life, in friendships and in my career.

I wish there were a nicer term for this. I have a similar issue, 'resting bored face' and, worse still, my concentration face is even more bored. I work in a STEM field so you can imagine the fun of trying to fake an interested face to communicate my genuine interest while I'm trying to digest a complex topic.

Gronky · 07/06/2020 09:32

Why wouldn't you? I'm not simpering or appeasing, just being nice.

I think feeling obliged to smile becomes tiresome as it's an expectation rather than genuine. I've also read about (though not experienced) men cornering women and telling them to smile, which can feel quite domineering.

DidoLamenting · 07/06/2020 09:36

I haven't worn a mask. Very few people do where I live. I don't intend to wear one unless it becomes compulsory.

Also in supermarkets if people are moving out of the way helpfully I smile and say thanks. Why wouldn't you? I'm not simpering or appeasing, just being nice

Agreed - and men do the same. It's normal human behaviour. What the OP describes is so far from my life experience I don't know where to begin but No , OP I don't recognise what you're saying.

Shedbuilder · 07/06/2020 09:47

Here's another whose resting face looks a bit frowny and glum. I thought I was the only one. Hundreds of strangers have told me to cheer up, it may never happen since I was a small child.

I think the current supermarket population is split 50:50 between those looking for a fight with anyone who accuses them of getting too close and people being polite and smiley to keep the other lot placated. When I very politely reminded a woman who leaned across me in the supermarket so close that she touched me that we had just been asked on the tannoy to keep 2m apart she yelled: 'If you're so terrified of being out with other people you should get a volunteer to shop for you.' Don't think any amount of smiling would have placated her.

Original poster
DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda · 07/06/2020 09:56

Fair enough Cooroo, I'm willing to believe I'm being a bit over the top here. But I do feel that the expectation of smiling to be nice falls more on women than men. If it actually makes people feel happier I guess it is still a good thing to do. (and I know I will still do this when I'm not wearing a mask)

OP posts:
KaronAVyrus · 07/06/2020 10:00

I’m not wearing a mask unless it’s compulsory.

I couldn’t give a shit what people think of my face at the best of times.

Floisme · 07/06/2020 10:06

From hanging out on Style & Beauty I would say that fear of looking angry is at least as strong as the fear of looking old.

Honeyroar · 07/06/2020 10:06

I hated wearing a mask when I took my mum to hospital. I smile at people anyway and most smile back. I think that’s normal, not contrived.

AfterSchoolWorry · 07/06/2020 10:06

@KaronAVyrus

I’m not wearing a mask unless it’s compulsory.

I couldn’t give a shit what people think of my face at the best of times.

Same! I don't wear makeup and I feel no need to simper! Others can judge my face any way they like, I don't care!
YellowMystery · 07/06/2020 10:16

I don’t give a f*ck what my face looks like or what other people think of it and I would certainly never wear a mask (CV excepted).
You need to work on your self esteem.

GreyishDays · 07/06/2020 10:18

I smile at people, I’m fine with that and I don’t think that’s what the OP means.
I think she means making sure her expression constantly looks agreeable rather than narky.

testing987654321 · 07/06/2020 10:31

What I have noticed from Zoom events is that I move A LOT. I react with smiles/frowns to everything going on. And move my body/hands. Everyone else seems to manage to remain motionless and expressionless. It's made me quite paranoid about how I come across.

merryhouse · 07/06/2020 10:41

It's honestly never occurred to me.

... although I have the opposite of RBF - I remember once I walked into a shop close to where I'd been working for a couple of weeks and the proprietor said "you've always got a smile on your face", even though it was Bloody Cold out - so presumably I've never had the negative feedback OP might have experienced...

There are times when I feel I need to make sure I'm looking pleasant - job interviews (on either side of the table), new people at church or other clubs, neighbourhood parties - but never just walking around or going to the shop.

MittensTheSerpent · 07/06/2020 10:50

There is something quite (dare I say) appealing about removing yourself from the 'game' of typical interaction as a woman in mainstream society today. I attend a progressive egalitarian synagogue, but on some family occasions I've gone into Orthodox communities and dressed accordingly - head covering, very 'dowdy' clothes. As I walked there, I felt like I had 'disappeared', and there was something quite refreshing about it. I hate that this is the case, don't get me wrong. It's just interesting to think about.

Original poster
DoYouRememberTheInnMiranda · 07/06/2020 10:51

You're right that it is normal to smile at people and them smile back - I hope it doesn't generally feel less friendly if we do all end up wearing masks lots of the time. It's just also a relief to me to not to feel I have to quite so much. But I agree I slightly over dramatised how much of an issue this is - it's not something I'm usually aware of making myself do, but was pleasantly aware of the reduction of pressure I put myself under when I had the mask on!

OP posts:
Miriel · 07/06/2020 10:52

I agree! I have an expressive face and find it hard to hide what I'm feeling, even when it'd be sensible to. I also, pre-covid, didn't go out without a bit of makeup. I haven't worn any in months because I've been wearing masks and now I'm used to seeing my natural face. That's kind of liberating.

LemonadeAndDaisyChains · 07/06/2020 10:59

What @YellowMystery said.
I couldn't care less what people think of my face, and find it pretty sad that some people are happier hiding theirs away.

Stay123 · 07/06/2020 10:59

Gosh, I might start wearing one to hide my bored, narky face. I have had quite a few comments but they have all been nasty comments from women. Triumphant at how a once quite pretty women’s has aged so badly. To men I have just faded into the distance and them and me are fine about that.

NonnyMouse1337 · 07/06/2020 11:10

Hi OP, what you've described sounds very tiring and draining. It seems like you're not behaving in a relaxed and unconscious manner in your daily life.

Is there a way to 'train' yourself to be more relaxed and not focused on what other people around you are thinking or doing? If you are focused on doing your shopping, I don't see how you can concentrate on ensuring you have a smile on your face the whole time. Then again, I'm autistic and my face can be very blank / bored looking when I'm relaxed and focused on myself. I can be very self-absorbed and I don't view that as a bad thing necessarily.

I know a lot of discussion on this board focuses on conditioning / socialisation, but I do think it's important for women to learn to be authentic and not be too invested or swayed by the opinions and reactions of other people. Call it self improvement, personal development, whatever. We can't sit around waiting for 'society' to change. We are part of society, and the more women that learn to feel confident in themselves and willing to express themselves in a more authentic manner, the easier it will become to live in this 'society'. We have to take control of how we interact with the world around us and how we live our lives. That's how I view it - irrespective of my upbringing and traits, it's down to me to change for the better. It's not easy and some habits feel too deep seated to shake off entirely, which is fine, but trying to live as authentically as possible builds confidence and resilience in the long-term. No one else can do this for you.

PennyMissilesAndWombPies · 07/06/2020 11:50

I lip read and I have Aspergers syndrome. Facemasks mean that every trip outside is at least 90% more stressful than it would be without them. I can't see what anyone is saying, and now I can't see whether you're smiling at me or about to be angry at me because I find eye expressions harder to parse. I appreciate that you owe me absolutely nothing and that I'm just going to have to get used to it.