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Beautiful thread by mum of desisting teen trans boy

50 replies

SocialConnection · 31/05/2020 11:47

It's like a flower opening. Highly recommended.

mobile.twitter.com/mumsontheedge/status/1267013049040416768

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Clymene · 31/05/2020 11:52

Oh that's lovely. Interesting that being apart from her peers has allowed her the space to realise this wasn't the right path for her. I wonder how many young women continue on because they have socially transitioned and it's very difficult to go back?

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Lordfrontpaw · 31/05/2020 12:29

Poor kid. How hard for them to admit they made a mistake. Hope they don’t get crap for it from them community’.

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ItsAllGoingToBeFine · 31/05/2020 12:44

@Clymene

Oh that's lovely. Interesting that being apart from her peers has allowed her the space to realise this wasn't the right path for her. I wonder how many young women continue on because they have socially transitioned and it's very difficult to go back?

I'm sure that's a massive thing and why I am Hmm when people say that social transitioning is perfectly safe, space to experiment with identity etc.

If you've gone through the whole thing with your peers and your family that yes you really are the opposite sex, and enforced your pronouns, and changed your name etc - it must be incredibly hard to turn around and say actually I made a mistake...
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Deliriumoftheendless · 31/05/2020 12:49

It’s very interesting that she says it was maybe a way of avoiding the male gaze and unwanted pressure to date boys by making herself into a category most of her peers weren’t interested in. Straight boys are out, gay boys are probably out, straight girls not interested and lesbians no interest so every excuse covered if she needs to be on her own and not be pushed into dating. Interesting.

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truthisarevolutionaryact · 31/05/2020 13:11

What a lovely thread - very emotional and so telling that she was able to rediscover herself when away from school.

It's a terrible indictment of the disastrous and cynical targeting of schools by trans groups. Their insistence that schools can secretly transition children, alienating them from their parents, "celebratory" assemblies (as recommended by Mermaids) that place a young child / teenager in an impossible position as they mature and change. The only aspect of a child's development where unqualified groups of adults determine that a child's thoughts / beliefs are set in stone, no matter how young.

Such a positive outcome for this young woman and her family - yet completely enraging that these dangerous and unsuitable adult groups have been given such influence in educational policy.

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Whatsnewpussyhat · 31/05/2020 13:16

It's the whole ridiculousness of her not being able to go out with the boy she fancied because he wasn't "gay"

This is what happens when words are twisted to become meaningless.

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stillathing · 31/05/2020 13:22

It's the whole ridiculousness of her not being able to go out with the boy she fancied because he wasn't "gay"

Exactly. And yet we're told (by those who wish to groom) that young people are just so much more accepting etc etc.

I do find it sad that lockdown has offered a kind of safety to some young girls though. They deserve to be safe in wider society too.

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SarahTancredi · 31/05/2020 13:28

I think this is the kind of case that basically confirms everything that's been said.

That puberty brings attention girls neither want or know how to handle. That in a rush for their "gold" certificates kids are set on a path they may not return from all because natural stages of development have become medicalised and labelled and a huge deal made out of it, when in fact what was needed was just time and space.

I dont believe it's a coincidence that when not being part of someones celebration of diversity , and not surrounded by people you need to "belong too" kept away from the likes of lobby groups, who's entire lively hood is dependent on creating new clients , that they have time to just deal with things and realise theres nothing wrong with them at all and what changes that are happening are normal.

Its Lovely to read that someone has learnt to love who they are and realise that they can be who they are without changing their bodies in damaging ways to achieve it.

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FannyCann · 31/05/2020 13:34

"Again, a safe place for a female teen (in a “freedom from” way, rather than “freedom to”). Straight guys not interested. Or gay guys. Or straight girls. Some lesbians were. Trans guys the only “dead cert”."

From one of her tweets ^
I'm not sure even trans guys are a dead cert as many of them seem to consider themselves gay, being interested in gay men (as oppose to other girls who think they are boys).
The only dead cert is how messed up all this is.

So glad this young woman has been able to clear her head and make sense of it all. I hope lockdown has provided breathing space for other too.

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Lordfrontpaw · 31/05/2020 14:26

I wonder how much teachers has to play on this?

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Clymene · 31/05/2020 14:30

I would be very interested to see if there has been a corresponding drop in girls presenting with anorexia.

When I was young, that was how many young women dealt with their discomfort around puberty

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Lordfrontpaw · 31/05/2020 14:35

Me too. In my sisters year there was a minor spate of ‘self harm’ among certain groups of the rifles which was not extreme (scratches rather than cuts) but more attention seeking.

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CaraDune · 31/05/2020 15:05

Yup, anorexia seemed to be my generation's way of externalising the pain of going through puberty in a society full of pervy men.

Half a generation later, when I was teaching in a university, it was cutting and other forms of self harm.

Now it's lop your breasts off and call yourself non-binary.

But it all stems from the same place I think - needing a refuge from the ever-present threat of male sexual violence. (Not that the other forms of dealing with intense emotional pain have gone away - sadly I saw an obviously seriously anorexic young woman earlier today - anorexic to the point where I did a double take because at first from a distance I thought she had two prosthetic legs, then realise that no, those were not metal bars, they were in fact her ankles, just ankles with next to no flesh over the bones Sad).

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TheShoesa · 31/05/2020 15:07

At the end, I think she realised that her identity as a trans boy had morphed from being a safe space to being a cage. She broke free.

This stood out to me. How many of these young adults (and heaven forbid the younger children who are 'socially transitioned') feel trapped in their new identity - especially those who get lots of attention because of their new identity

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nauticant · 31/05/2020 15:31

mobile.twitter.com/mumsontheedge/status/1267026660089647106

At the end, I think she realised that her identity as a trans boy had morphed from being a safe space to being a cage. She broke free.

That stood out to me too. Breaking free, ie detransitioning, is the ultimate sin in the ideology of gender identity. No wonder the medical transition pathway is sold as completely reversible when in reality the journey back looks very hard indeed.

As others have said, it's interesting how in the case of this young woman the lockdown may have given her freedom to reflect on her own identity, perhaps because she was able to spend a period of time without being continually worried about how convincing her performance was.

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stella47 · 31/05/2020 15:51

Maybe a minor thing, but I've often thought "dealing with breasts" is a massive issue, and I can completely understand why some choose horrific binders. We used to cover up with big shirts and jumpers, but PE and running were massive issues. How can people promote binders ahead of good supportive bras, and more importantly shielding adolescent girls from the abuse from boys and men?

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SarahTancredi · 31/05/2020 16:19

How can people promote binders ahead of good supportive bras, and more importantly shielding adolescent girls from the abuse from boys and men?

I have seen on a few occasions on MN a strange assumption that crop tops or certain kinds of bras are "unsuitable " or "sexualising " a child. People mistaking moulding for padding and arbitrary age cut offs etc With that kind of attitude from their own parents its unsurprising that many feel insecure as it is before we even get to the societal issue of women and girls being to blame for male behaviour and the boys/men bot being able to help it.

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MrsNoah2020 · 31/05/2020 16:24

Yup, anorexia seemed to be my generation's way of externalising the pain of going through puberty in a society full of pervy men. Half a generation later, when I was teaching in a university, it was cutting and other forms of self harm. Now it's lop your breasts off and call yourself non-binary. But it all stems from the same place I think - needing a refuge from the ever-present threat of male sexual violence

Very well put. They are seeking a refuge not just from male violence, but also male sexual scrutiny and the social pressure to meet standards for stereotypically feminine appearance and behaviour.

Pressure on young women today is almost unimaginable to those of us lucky to have got through our teens before the internet really got going. Instagram, Pornhub etc are all stoking the pressure, which then gets reinforced by their contemporaries. No wonder young women don't want to be identifiable as young women Sad

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BlackberryViolet · 31/05/2020 17:30

^^At the end, I think she realised that her identity as a trans boy had morphed from being a safe space to being a cage. She broke free.



This makes so much sense. Dd is also desisting. She has had the space to think and work things out for herself - she announced it last week then waltzed off and left me to try and chair a meeting while my head was spinning! It helps that she’s binned much of social media plus the influence of her college friends isn’t there. After 3 years her pronouns are now back to she and her, the boxer shorts are being binned, she had an ASOS delivery today and is so excited. She’s now planning to change her name again, she changed it by deed poll 3 years ago. She’s happy that she’s a bisexual woman and wants me to take her bra shopping. I’m still completely stunned but so proud of her for having the confidence to go back.

I haven’t had a chance yet to try and work things through in my head and I’m still not completely sure I understand. I’ll have a read of that thread later and a think

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Whatsnewpussyhat · 31/05/2020 17:51

That's great BlackberryViolet

There's also so much lesbophobia still happening. A generation of young lesbians being told they have a "genital fetish" and their words, support groups and safe spaces being taken over by straight males.

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Clymene · 31/05/2020 18:30

I was thinking earlier when I was in the car and Sam Smith came on the radio how complicated gender ideology is. The pressure to fit into more boxes in addition to the boxes that you're already exploring in terms of your sexuality when you're young. I remember being desperately confused (straight, lesbian, bisexual) and the thought of having to categorise myself even further just gives me shivers

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JellySlice · 31/05/2020 18:31

It’s very interesting that she says it was maybe a way of avoiding the male gaze and unwanted pressure to date boys by making herself into a category most of her peers weren’t interested in. Straight boys are out, gay boys are probably out, straight girls not interested and lesbians no interest so every excuse covered if she needs to be on her own and not be pushed into dating. Interesting.

I'm convinced this is exactly what has been behind dd's engagement with trans ideology. With lockdown I was terribly worried that SM would become the strongest influence on her, but she's actually stepped away from SM and is becoming much happier in her head and in her body. And she's allowing her femininity to show, and she's enjoying it.

Now of course I worry that her growing happiness and comfort in her body will take a huge knock when she has to return to school.

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popehilarious · 31/05/2020 18:32

"At the end, I think she realised that her identity as a trans boy had morphed from being a safe space to being a cage. She broke free."

This is interesting, but it does raise the question as to how much one's identity is a choice? Most ppl would say sexual orientation isn't a choice - I know it's not the same thing at all - is starting to socially transition a way of trying on a trans identity to see if it fits? That is sort of how it's presented, isn't it, but for some (a minority?) it's a desperate feeling they've had since very young. How fixed is this trans/ otherwise identity? How is it affected by peers?

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JellySlice · 31/05/2020 18:38

Haven't finished reading the thread yet, but I'm blown away by Mum's On The Edge's courtesy and delicately nuanced replies to posters trying to goad her into saying something 'transphobic'. What a fantastic supporter for her daughter.

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Clymene · 31/05/2020 18:41

The difference is I think popehilarious is that trying on a sexuality (saying you're a lesbian because you had a snog with your best mate when you were 14 and you're a bit alarmed by boys) has no lasting impact on your life. You can change your mind, say you realise you're bisexual or whatever and everyone just shrugs.

Socially transitioning to using a boy's name, wearing boys clothes, getting the school involved, potentially taking puberty blockers and then cross sex hormones is a roller coaster that it's virtually impossible to get off once you're on it. It must take a huge amount of courage (and months of internal wrangling) to admit that actually, that isn't what you are at all.

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