Beautiful thread by mum of desisting teen trans boy

[SocialConnection]

It's like a flower opening. Highly recommended.

mobile.twitter.com/mumsontheedge/status/1267013049040416768

Is there any way of downloading the first part of the thread, where she tells her story? (Short of doing a million C&Ps!) There are some excellent statements there that I want to hand to help me in my chats with dd - especially my chats with other family members, which she 'just happens' to overhear.

Here you go JellySlice
archive.fo/Uwe4N
archive.fo/2f41D

(This is part of my campaign to get everyone to embrace the wonders of archiving.)

I think this lockdown has been an unexpected blessing for many children and teens, just giving them the space and respite from the nefarious influence of captured schools to think clearly for the first time in years. I am so happy for all the kids who are getting back in touch with reality and their relieved parents.

Gosh, so is that two (likely) desisters from this thread plus the original on twitter?
I wonder how many more lockdown desisters there are.
How wonderful that this nasty virus crisis has had the unexpected bonus of giving time and space to confused young people to find themselves.
I'm sure there is a lesson for the future in there somewhere and an important research project for anyone so inclined.

This is wonderful!
And yet it brings to my mind other mothers, those who are determined to be supportive of their transchild. I have one such mother as a friend on Facebook (never met her in rl!) mother of a transboy, who goes on and on and on about how wonderful it is and how proud she is of him and how this is his true self and he is so happy and she can't wait to start him on hormones he is around 10 I believe now.
She write these long pro-trans posts on FB arguing her heart out for him, denouncing people who argue with her or who try to show the downsides of transitioning. She has all the arguments and wields them aggressively. I read all she writes and have never said a word, never argued back, never sent her info about the consequences of medically transitioning even though my fingers are itching to.
I think her daughter would have a tremendously hard time if it ever occurred to her to desist. It would feel like a betrayal of her mother! It would be sooooo difficult - how could she, after such 100% wholehearted support? This mother even argued in favour of transgirls in female sport, said it was fine.

In such a family how would detransitioning ever be possible?
For such a child there really is no turning back; not without tremendous guilt and embarrassment and deep mortification.
And yet, according to stats there's a good chance that this child WOULD desist if given half a chance.

@Lordfrontpaw

What do you mean by you wonder the part of teachers?

None.

If a child has decided to transition and informs the school I get an email telling me the child's new name and to refer to them as that from now on. It's very much guided by the child and parent.

It seems to be a bit of a fad at the moment and I can see a trend of children who are transitioning - they seem to be the ones on the periphery - not many friends and it appears to be a way of trying to attract friendships and attention. I certainly would say that some are doing it to be part of a trend rather than because they are committed to completely transitioning and genuinely feel that way.

This resonates with the Twitter thread where the mother comments that away from influences (friends and SM) the daughter just becomes...herself

I have seen ‘Guidance’ and heard (second hand) of children being egged on by teachers and the parents being the last to know that their child is being indulged at school.

I remember a case reported on the radio where the parents were threatened with having the child taken into care of they didn’t embrace their child as the opposite sex and the school was very much facilitating this against the parents wishes.

Wow, nauticant, thank you! (I had no idea what archiving meant in this context!)

There Twitter thread was lovely to read. The relief and love the mother feels is palpable.

I was nodding away with the comments on this thread too.

Something that stood out for me that hasn't been mentioned yet is that of sports and binders.

The mother mentioned that not wearing a binder at home and taking up fitness activities helped her daughter to reconnect with her body. She credited sports as being a major contributor to her daughter detransitioning.

Later on, she said that wearing a binder at school made PE impossible.

By some charities pushing binders (sending them out for free, sometimes without parents' knowledge) and schools enabling the wearing of these, this is another way to keep the young females disconnected from / feeling trapped by their bodies and denying them the chance to get involved with sport and the physical & mental health benefits that it brings. It also continues to make them feel separate from their peers as they cannot participate.

I would love to see schools banning binders outright for the damage they cause. Or at the very least / as a first step, have them taken off for PE.

Very glad to hear of some desisters, and that they hadn't done anything irreversible. Mine hasn't, but being home with us without needing to pretend to be the opposite sex is certainly a relief for all of us.

I was thinking of the transgender juggernaut as a bit like the coronavirus. It was spreading in society, with each new convert infecting more than one other - a high R rate. The lockdown has enabled the R rate to come under control, starved it of the opportunities for encouragement.

Maybe the trend is passing - like so many others. God alone what is next or how much damage has been done already.

It shows where these girls true ‘safe space’ is; their homes and families where they get to change their ‘identities’ knowing they are still accepted. The place which has already seen them change and morph from baby to toddler to child to teen without insisting that they continue to wear the princess dress they so loved when they were two.

No wonder transideologues are so desperate to get them away.

@Aesopfable

It shows where these girls true ‘safe space’ is; their homes and families where they get to change their ‘identities’ knowing they are still accepted. The place which has already seen them change and morph from baby to toddler to child to teen without insisting that they continue to wear the princess dress they so loved when they were two.

No wonder transideologues are so desperate to get them away.

So true. It's in the family that one knows that one's "self" can go through many changes on the way to maturity; It's a series of "selves" and none is final on this journey to adulthood. And throughout all these changes there is one constant: the love of one's family, or parents who lets each new self come and go and whose love is constant throughout.

We go through new changes all our lives and it is just wrong to believe that any one of these new "selves" is final. And it is truly horrific, to make irreversible changes in one's youth as if that "self" is the final one. No parent should allow that.

Sadly, for many children this is not true. Sometimes the greatest pressure to conform to somebody else's vision comes from family.

Lamahaha

I agree with you. However, many parents have been gaslighted into believing that their child may commit suicide if their new gender identity is not affirmed and encouraged, and that gender dysphoria is the root of all their mental health problems. Or, as in our case, their child is over 18 so technically an adult, and no account is taken of their emotional maturity, (or lack of it) by every single public institution and health professional who should have a duty or care to look beyond the declaration of having been born in the wrong body.....

Yes, I'm aware that I was speaking only of the "ideal" situation; loving and sensible parents, and not all parents are like that!
This is how it should be, how it's supposed to be, but sadly reality is very far from the ideal.

That Twitter thread is absolutely lovely and as the mother of a child who is "reconsidering" it really spoke to me.

The FWR boards here on Mumsnet have been a source of constant support and reassurancce to me and my family throughout and I thank each of the eloquent and well informed women who post here. You have quite literally saved my sanity.

My daughter read it after I did and it enabled us to have some very open dialogue. Lockdown has been an absolute godsend for us in this respect. I feel hopeful.

Gosh really interesting about the exercise playing a part.

I'm sure there was a discussion here about parts of the developing teen brain being positively affected by exercise and having an impact on mental health.

Bumping this thread to say (tentatively) that lockdown seems to have given my stepdaughter space to desist too.

Being away from school and the pressure of peers and all that age-old in-group out-group awfulness, spending extra time with her furloughed dad and her big brother and little sister, and with her mum, just the two of them, no work, no school, has gotten her smiling in a way we haven’t seen since she started to explore a trans identity on her return to school last September.

We recently facilitated a very extravagant, punk rock style cut and crazy colour (definitely not school uniform appropriate) that is unmistakably feminine-gendered (albeit in a very counterculture way) which resulted in happy mirror selfies for the first time in a year.

This time at home has given her lots of space to open up regarding the school counsellor who suggested and encouraged a cross sex identity and we hope that DsD is feeling happy and confident enough by September that we are able to start formal complaints. Some of DsD’s reports suggest serious professional misconduct including planned strategies to alienate DsD from her family. At the moment DsD is worried about getting the counsellor ‘in trouble’, which is red flag of it’s own.

I’m not at all surprised to learn that other gender distressed teens have benefitted from being at home during lockdown.

I don’t have much Mumsnet time at the moment but I’m delighted to have all 3 of my babies home!

Hooray Dududu. Great to hear. (And big fan of counterculture wild coloured haircuts - fond memories of helping a punk friend do a red Mohican for an official university photo back in my yoof!)

DuDuDu, I am so happy for you. I've experienced similar with lockdown. My teen whose trans identifying period was my wake up call to all this has desisted from all of it some time ago, but lockdown has actually helped her further with her other mental health issues which were skimmed over by CAMHS. She's blossomed. That is the perfect word.

Oh du

That is both so lovely and so very alarming. The staff are meant to know better and how typical ti he more worried about someone who should know better getting into trouble than what's best for her.

I wish you luck with the complaints

Thanks everyone!

It’s still very early days but the longer she is off school the happier she seems to become (am observing a similar phenomenon in my eldest, a boy with ASD, who is home from uni).

Adolescence is just shit, isn’t it? Has been for a really long time - it refreshes in some of the ways that it’s shit (the internet really hasn’t helped) but teen angst is pretty consistent through the generations.

sorry, but I am going right against the trned here.

My dd is 12, and lockdown was awful for her, ner mental health fell away completely. No help or suport available, no counsellors taking on new kids,a nd GP not interested as she wasn't ill enough for CAHMS.

She had been saying for a few months that she was trans. Lockdown mad ethat more extreme. She is patently not (so much going on I can't list it all here) but she is perfect example of Sudden Onset gender Dysphoria. She even still wears dresses, make up cute earrings etc etc, but that is because 'boys can be feminine'

So, no, lockdown didn't help, even though I am sure this is social pressure.

As to anorexia, my neice has developed an eating disorder through lockdown, and it came to a crisis before schools went back.

DuDu - have you seen the new guidleines for schools? It is very clear about staff pushing the gender issue and would support your complaint