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Feminism: Sex and gender discussions

Lets support a domestic abuser

30 replies

Gingerkittykat · 13/05/2020 16:36

After I read this sob story about the Reverend Paul Parks and how unfairly he had been treated being sacked as a vicar for domestic abuse I decided to do some digging.

I found the [[https://www.churchofengland.org/sites/default/files/2020-04/Parks%20-%20Tribunal%20Decision%20-%2010.01.20.pdf] tribunal decision here and it is clear he abused his wife for many years including calling her a fucking whore, controlling her movements, threatening her with a knife, driving towards a brick wall with her in an armlock in the passenger seat and managing to blame her for whatever has gone wrong and making out she is an abuser.

The Daily Mail are clearly sympathetic towards him, a poor veteran is now facing homelessness due to his PTSD after being failed by the church. His go fund me is trying to raise 90 000 to pay his legal fees and secure housing.

There is a lot of talk about his PTSD and the help he has had, I wonder what help his wife and children are getting for the trauma inflicted on them?

I am utterly shocked at this, painting him as a nice charitable guy who just lashed out a few times when he is actually a serial abuser.

In 2011, Lois was ill following the birth of her youngest child. The respondent refused to
allow her to leave her bed for a period of some hours. He threatened to kill her and called
her Jezabel. When he finally let her go, he blamed Lois for making him a monster.

Is an extract from the tribunal report.

OP posts:
OneEpisode · 13/05/2020 17:14

The Daily Mail do include quotes from her.

Gingerkittykat · 13/05/2020 17:36

All the quotes from her are also minimising the level of abuse saying that it really wasn't that bad.

OP posts:
hoodathunkit · 13/05/2020 20:26

There is a fundraiser about this man

au.gofundme.com/f/help-a-crushed-veteran-with-ptsd-and-his-family

You can find out quite a lot about the therapy he has had from clicking on the "more information" tabs

I'm in a mad hurry as usual but some things for readers to be aware of

He is claiming, and is backed up by his therapist, that he committed the assaults on his wife while in a dissociated state.

While dissociation is real, I know having experienced it myself, there is a tendency for some mental health professionals to encourage clients to avoid taking responsibility for their actions by attributing their misdeeds to "split off" parts of themselves that they claim are a symptom of dissociative disorders.

I have bitter personal experience of witnessing this in a therapy group where women who had harmed children were invited to feel better about themselves by recovering memories of abuse and encouraging them to believe that their abusive or negligent actions were the result of dissociative states, thus rendering them not culpable.

These split off parts, sometimes referred to as "alters" or just "parts" feature in the iatrogenic condition known as dissociatie identity disorder formerly known as mutiple personality disorder.

The multiple selves featuring in DID/MPD have many similarities to the multipe selves that feature in discourses around non-binary and gender fluid identities, where people claim to be a man one minute, a woman the next and a child on another occasion.

As I have written about here before some of the same mental health organisations promoting DID/MPD also promote gender identity narratives that feature multiple selves.

I do belive that we let down our service men and women by not providing adequate therapy when they suffer from ongoing trauma.

I do appreciate that some traumatised service men and women can develop challenging and violent behaviour if they are not given adequate therapy of a high quality.

The fact is that the current provision of mental health services to traumatised people, including rape survivors and current and former service men and women is inadequate and, when offered it is often dangerous and comes with a significant risk of memory contamination.

Obviously I cannot comment on absolutely all the services everywhere in the UK, but there is a very significant problem in my experience.

This is a complex issue, however I am extremely sceptical about using split off, dissociated parst of the self as a way of obtaining a "get out of jail free" card for abusers.

OneEpisode · 13/05/2020 23:17

Thank you hooda your posts are always really interesting!

quixote9 · 13/05/2020 23:34

I'll believe it's sympathy for past suffering that caused someone to "lash out" when the same standard is applied to women.

In Canada (?) there was a woman jailed for 30 years for killing her abusisve husband. In the news because she died of covid-19 in jail.

Cyntoia (sp?) Brown, pimped out and tortured for years as a teenager, jailed forever for killing her pimp. It took a goodamn governor's pardon to get her out. No talk of "stand your ground" stuff for her. Practically nothing about trauma. Self-defense? Extenuating circumstances? Nope. (Among feminists, yes, but regular media, no.)

The list goes on forever. So forgive me if I can't believe that it's actually sympathy for past trauma they're expressing here. Himpathy, more like.

hoodathunkit · 14/05/2020 07:45

Self-defense? Extenuating circumstances? Nope. (Among feminists, yes, but regular media, no.)

It's not just feminists

Kim Kardashian has been doing sterling work on prison reform and on highlighting the kind of cases you refer to. I'm no fan of celebrity culture and I've only ever glimped KUWTK when training at the gym. Got to give credit where credit is due though.

Sometimes the cavalry comes to the rescue from an unexpected place - has been my frequent experience in life

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 14/05/2020 07:54

So really what’s happening here is that this woman and er children are just unfortunate collateral damage? The real issue and the focus right at the centre is the man and how he’s been let down and what we can do for him?

He is an abusive bastard and shame on anyone who donates.

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 14/05/2020 08:03

Comment on the daily mail are supportive of the vicar.

^Actually, people like him make for excellent pastors, suggesting that he overcomes a few issues. Everyone has something, and especially him, who has experience. She's not a lame duck either.^

Actually people like him make excellent pastors Yes, it’s always positive to have an abuser in a position of authority.

A few issues No big deal really.
she’s not a lame duck either Six of one and half a dozen of the other really.

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 14/05/2020 08:05

Kim Kardashian has been doing sterling work on prison reform and on highlighting the kind of cases you refer to.

Christ, I really don’t know what to say to that. KK lauded on the feminist board ffs. Yep..when she’s not slapping her sister around she’s stellar Hmm

hoodathunkit · 14/05/2020 08:32

thanks OneEpisode :)

I took the trouble to check out the psychiatrist involved

A very interesting man very involved with a number of mental health organisations specialising in "complex trauma", an interesting diagnosis applied to people who have endured multiple or ongoing traumatising events.

Complex trauma has become one of the terms commonly used by controversial mental health professionals to refer to what they would previously have called MPD/DID.

It is a fascinating area to research

SuperFurryDoggy · 14/05/2020 08:34

The Church of England appear to have handled it very well. The report is clear and fair. It acknowledges the PTSD but also considers things like his failure to seek help when he knew he was a risk to his wife and his coercive behaviour over the duration of the relationship and outside of his ‘dissociative’ episodes.

This CofE comment from the news article jumped out at me:

“Following his arrival, Rev Parks quickly fell out with his parishioners who say they found him overbearing and controlling”

hoodathunkit · 14/05/2020 08:38

Christ, I really don’t know what to say to that. KK lauded on the feminist board ffs. Yep..when she’s not slapping her sister around she’s stellar hmm

She really has done excellent work getting Cyntoia Brown and others released from jail.

I mentioned this because I think that if someone does great work it should be recognised regardless of their sex, their celebrity status or lack thereof or any other issue that I may disagree with about them.

Do you think that Kim Kardashian's work in this respect should not be mentioned here? Is she a woman whose name should never be mentioned here other than to criticise her?

It feels like we are back in the good woman / bad woman split again. Is there room for a nuanced perspective in your type of feminism or do only certain women achieve the dizzy heights of your approval?

TheProdigalKittensReturn · 14/05/2020 08:43

The Church of England appear to have handled it very well. The report is clear and fair. It acknowledges the PTSD but also considers things like his failure to seek help when he knew he was a risk to his wife and his coercive behaviour over the duration of the relationship and outside of his ‘dissociative’ episodes.

That's reassuring, shame the media have defaulted to the usual "abusive men are the real victims and they always deserve another chance" angle.

VerityB1 · 14/05/2020 08:48

Have any of us here contacted the Daily Wail?

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 14/05/2020 08:49

* Do you think that Kim Kardashian's work in this respect should not be mentioned here? *
Of course- if you choose too. Many people do good work..... the vicar has done good work also? Still wouldn’t overlook his shit and the damage he’s caused and use him as an example.

hoodathunkit · 14/05/2020 09:06

Of course- if you choose too. Many people do good work..... the vicar has done good work also? Still wouldn’t overlook his shit and the damage he’s caused and use him as an example.

Of course we shouldn't overlook bad things people do.

As far as I'm aware Kim Kardashian does not have a history of long term coercive control, and of repeated violent acts including threatening to gouge someone's eyes out, unlike the vicar.

I am completely uninterested in celebrity culture, "shapewear" or KUWTK.

I mentioned Kim Kardashian precisely because she appears to be yet another vacuous celebrity who relies on her good looks, someone who feminists might be disapproving of, and yet there is clearly more to her than meets the eye.

She has done a lot for Alexis Martin and Cyntoia Brown and whatever else I might think about her I salute her for her work against the US prison industrial system. She is also training to be a lawyer and giving a lot of her money to support people who have either been imprisoned unjustly or who deserve a second chance.

The evolution from apparently vacuous celebrity to responsible, thoughtful, mother who is learning to be a lawyer and putting her considerable wealth and social influence to the support of the most disadvantaged people in society should be applauded surely?

Beerincomechampagnetastes · 14/05/2020 09:13

I can’t talk about kk anymore or I’ll gouge my own eyes out.
Your thread is very interesting op - it’s not my intent to derail it...Brew

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/05/2020 09:14

Cyntoia Brown did not kill her pimp. She was a 16yr old living with her gangster boyfriend. They were both involved in armed robberies. She solicited a man for sex in a car park. The man picked her up, bought her dinner, did NOT have sex with her, fell asleep. She then took her own gun out of her handbag, shot him in the head, robbed him and then stole his pickup truck. This is all confirmed by forensics.

hoodathunkit · 14/05/2020 09:36

Many of the facts in the Brown case are disputed

What is not disputed is that she was selling sex at 16 years old and that she shot the man who went back to her flat in the back of the head at a time when she was being exploited by a violent pimp who went by the name of "Kut Throat" or Kut to his friends

Trafficked women often perceive their pimps as boyfriends, at least in the early days of the "relationship".

Pimps also routinely use coercive control, brainwashing, sleep deprivation and drugs to control their victims.

A former prosecuter in the case campaigned for her release.

She didn't escape jail, she served 15 years in jail. Her crime was very serious, however you look at it.

However she served 15 years for a crime she committed when she was a drug addled, trafficked 16 year old.

She was a model prisoner and studied hard in jail. Do you think that 15 years was not enough?

heavy.com/news/2019/08/cyntoia-brown-pimp-garion-mcglothen/

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/05/2020 09:43

Actually, Brown killed the man at his flat, not her flat. Which is how she was able to rob the flat and steal his truck after killing him in cold blood. In her testimony, she stated she told him she was 18yrs old when he asked and he believed her.

She received a life sentence for his murder. Which I dont agree with. Not because it wasn’t murder, it most definitely was by her testimony and the forensic analysis done. But because I don’t think anyone under age 18 should be given a life sentence. The Governor also did not fully pardon her, but gave her clemency so her sentence was commuted down from life to time served. Which I agree was the right thing to do.

I just did not like the PP who twisted the facts of the case into a self defence killing of a pimp who had tortured her for years. That is a complete fabrication.

hoodathunkit · 14/05/2020 09:53

Thanks for your post PlanDeRaccordement

As someone who was tortured by a pimp I took an interest in this case, for obvious reasons, but while I read a lot about it I cannot claim to be an expert in it.

Your post makes a lot of sense and, when i have a moment i will take a more thorough look at the evidence.

She received a life sentence for his murder. Which I dont agree with. Not because it wasn’t murder, it most definitely was by her testimony and the forensic analysis done. But because I don’t think anyone under age 18 should be given a life sentence.

I think we can agree on this bit at least and thanks again for your post

hoodathunkit · 14/05/2020 09:56

Actually, there may be some cases where someone under 18 should receive a life sentence

I remember reading recently about a kid who had a very long history of sadistic, voilent sex assaults against other children.

Sometimes some extremely disturbed and dangerous people may simply be too dangerous to be at liberty.

In general though I think that minors (under 18) deserve a second chance, but it does depend on the crime/s

PlanDeRaccordement · 14/05/2020 09:56

Sorry to read that you were mistreated and abused hood. Hope you are in a better and free place now.

I don’t know anything about the other cases, but I did read the all the published court documents, police reports and Browns own testimony before deciding to support the petition for her release.

MitziK · 14/05/2020 11:06

Meh, the comments are moderated in advance. That'll be why all the comments are about the pawr ickle boy and how awful it is that the big, bad, bully Church isn't giving him another parish full of vulnerable women.

I wonder why he ended up divorced the first time around....?

Gingerkittykat · 14/05/2020 22:24

Complex trauma has become one of the terms commonly used by controversial mental health professionals to refer to what they would previously have called MPD/DID.

I have a diagnosis of CPTSD from an experienced NHS psychologist, association is part of that but there are loads of different forms of dissociation which are not DID/MPD. What he was claiming was a dissociative fugue which doesn't mean someone has alters. Whether DID is a valid diagnosis is a completely different thread.

Having PTSD myself, and also knowing many other people who live with it means I know that threatening to drive your wife into a wall or calling her a fucking whore is not part of the disorder.

OP posts:
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