Disappointing advice in the Guardian

[Thethiniceofanewday]

Woman writes in because her boyfriend is turned on by sissification and she finds it “abhorrent.” The column suggests she allows him to fuck outside their relationship, the first highlighted comment attempts to shame her for using the word “abhorrent.”

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/may/01/boyfriend-sexual-kinks-i-find-abhorrent-resolve-differences#comment-140278165

Yeah, the advice in the column is depressing! That said, if you sort the comments by "most recommended", most of the top ones are thankfully rather better (maybe some MNers in there?).

I was fully expecting the advice to tell the woman to embrace his kink, to be 'positive, to simply Make An Effort. I was relieved that it didn't...

Yes, I suppose that’s a plus!

Awful, but the guardian is like the paper version of one of those guys who pretends to be really sensitive and enlightened but is actually a massive sexist.

He has to find ways of expressing his fantasy, because that side of his sexuality sounds really important to him, so he shouldn’t feel ashamed about it

Absolute crap. He should be ashamed of his sexist views. If his fantasy involved bestiality or paedophilia would that be fine and dandy too I wonder. I feel very strongly about my right to find certain "kinks" morally repugnant. Also, I bloody hate the word "kink".

I find the comments in the Guardian completely unrelatable a lot of the time. Makes me think I'm in the Twilight Zone occasionally.

I’m with you, Booby. Some kinks are abhorrent. Wearing a rubber suit to your work at a child protection charity and filming yourself wanking in the toilets for one.

Weird how they never say DTMF in newspaper advice columns, even when his kink is abhorrent.

Weird how they never say DTMF in newspaper advice columns

Is that a variation on LTB?

I didn't look at the comments, but it was an interesting letter, though the response was pretty banal.

Abhorrent actually seems like the wrong word to me because it almost implies a sort of moral problem, and it seems like that is not what she meant. More like dominating him in that way was just a really significant turn off for her. I didn't get the impression she had a problem with him having these desires, she just was really not interested herself. Perhaps if she'd used slightly different language people would not have picked up on that element.

The other thing that struck me was that this wasn't about just a man insisting on kink - the women also seems to have wanted him to participate in her kinks. My guess is if he weren't keen she'd not have pressed it, but I think there is something in this idea that in a modern sexual relationships you'll each have your kinks that are part of how you get off and you have to try and work that out somehow with your partner. It kind of sets the stage for these sorts of issues.

It all seems like a lot of work and weight for relationships to carry for me. It's difficult enough to meet someone you like, share values with, find attractive, and want to have a shared lifestyle. Having to match up your kinks developed over years of varies experiences seems like a major pain.

Is that a variation on LTB?
Yes. It is the original vulgar version.

“Having to match up your kinks developed over years of varies experiences seems like a major pain.” - very much so! I must be “vanilla” but elaborate kinks just seem hard work.

You make an interesting point about “abhorrent” though. I would have a moral problem with performing misogyny, which is what sissification feels like to me, it is wrapped up with some level of shame about being a woman.

I hate the word too.

They get really upset if you so much as suggest that it's a mental condition, don't they?

The main thing I found eyebrow raising about his kink is that he clearly wants to be humiliated, and for him, that means been made to feel like a woman.....which might reveal what he feels or what he's been raised to feel about women growing up. If you think very lowly of women, there's no greater humiliation than being dominated sexually by one and being called girly names, is there?

The Guardian is full of rubbish advice. The forum contributers frequently provides far better advice. The cherry on the top for me was when I was left open-mouthed years ago at Mariella's advice. A woman sounded like she was in real danger of being domestically abused. Classic signs - isolation, control, and I think he'd already pushed her about when arguing and she was physically scared of him. Mariella's advice was basically that the woman should look inwards at which one of her own actions had led her to being in that situation. Whilst self- reflection is important, her first advice at the top of the column should have been to contact Women's Aid or similar, or seek outside help in some way. The way it was worded thpugh could lead a vunerable person into self-blame when they need to be taking action and getting out. Face-palm

Sorry, it says in the piece 'derogatory names', not specifically 'girly' names.

That was my assumption too - that it would be derogatory names associated with women, given that was the role he wanted to take on.

I mean, it's the Guardian, if you were expecting good advice you're looking in the wrong place.

Also, people are allowed to find other people's kinks abhorrent and if one partner does then that relationship is dead in the water and may as well be ended as quickly as possible.

That’s the kind of advice I would have given, tbh.

I love Annalisa Barbieri and her advice column is about 100 times better than Mariella's.

I didn't think the advice was that bad. I'm not sure what advice I'd have given in the same circumstances.

I know what advice I'd have given- don't be shamed for your perfectly reasonable boundaries and get the fuck out, because give it a couple of years and you'll be a trans widow.

This one is just as bad. Given who wrote it, this is not a surprise though

www.theguardian.com/lifeandstyle/2020/apr/28/i-see-lockdown-as-a-chance-for-more-bdsm-but-my-girlfriend-doesnt

I’m going to regret asking but what is sissification?

I’m going to regret asking but what is sissification?

Men who want to be sexually humiliated in what they see as a female role.

Tinsel, thanks.

"He enjoys being dominated and treated as if he were a woman, with clothes and makeup, and wants me to act as if I were a man, including changing my vocal pitch and calling him derogatory names."
Actually I think 'abhorrent' - loathsome, detestable, disgusting - is absolutely accurate here.

He is asking her to call him derogatory names to treat him as a woman. He is demonstrating that to him, a woman is something to be treated derogatively. What can than say to her, except that he sees her, a woman, that way?

Yes, I do find a man seeing women that way pretty fucking abhorrent.