Honor Blackman dies- news reader refers to her “two adopted children”

[LittleRa]

Not sure if this is the correct section but Bond actress Honor Blackman has died of natural causes aged 94. I happened to be reading the family’s statement online at the same time as the BBC news reader was reading it and I noticed the statement said she “will be greatly missed by her two children Barnaby and Lottie” whereas the news reader said she “will be greatly missed by her two adopted children Barnaby and Lottie”. Why?! A glance at her Wikipedia entry shows she adopted them in 1967 and 1968.

I can't really elaborate on my statement about adopting in the 60s being hellish without breaking family confidences, but that was the experience of two couples I know and love dearly. Both ended up fostering.

I don't think @Gronky gets it, but I also don't think they mean any harm.

But yeah it is a little jarring when someone says 'someone is amazing for adopting.' It's like the adopted child should be grateful. When it's a 2-way thing. The person adopting the child AND the child both benefit from adoption. I guess the person giving the baby up is the only one who loses out.

This reminds me a bit of my friend whose husband was in a car crash, and he ended up paralysed from the waist down. She lost COUNT of the amount of people saying how good and kind she was to stay with him!

I mean, the fact that they were a happy couple, married for a quarter century at the time, and very much in love, (and he has always given her as much love and happiness as she has given him, and is a wonderful father to their daughter) doesn't come into it. She is so KIND to stay with him.

Some people may not mean any harm, but it's just so annoying.

@lemonsandlimes123 because my child has complex needs and is in and out the whole time. His extensive medical history documents his issues in huge detail right from birth . The staff all know us well and yet we still have the same conversation every time we are admitted. I feel I am constantly justifying the right to just be his mother full stop.

But yeah it is a little jarring when someone says 'someone is amazing for adopting.' It's like the adopted child should be grateful. When it's a 2-way thing. The person adopting the child AND the child both benefit from adoption.

I absolutely understand and agree with that and I certainly didn't mean to suggest that there's some obligation of gratitude on the child (that could definitely be an overwhelming and unfair notion for a child to deal with). My view is certainly idealised as a result of not having children (by choice, I'm terrible with them).

@FloralBunting

I know exactly where your father was coming from. It is one of (the) worst moments in your life - and people make a comment that stabs a knife into the most sensitive part of your soul.

They do not do it on purpose. They would probably be mortified if they realised how much they had hurt you. But the pain does not go away.

@Gronky

It's OK. I don't think you meant any harm.

I have corrected staff who have written adoptive mother on my sons paperwork it is an important distinction in medical terms- it is better for your child to have it clear that you are not biologically related.

As in clear and immediately brought to the attention of the person picking up the file.

Thank you very much, helgahelga.

As in clear and immediately brought to the attention of the person picking up the file.

Why does it have to say ‘adoptive mother’?

they adopted as they couldn't have their own child
i wouldn't adopt, i'd want a child of my own

What they mean is a child they have carried - it is common parlance. I think that the sort of thing lockdownmania has described is very hurtful, but a lot of the professional offence taking here is appallingly precious and really misses the point about the real tragedies of adoption.

I have explained why, chloedecker.

No, I deliberately wanted to ask you why ‘adoptive mother’.

Why not, ‘adopted’ as per medical history notes?

gronky I thought your comments were fine, and there are many valid ways of looking at adoption, not just one way to "get it". And in a way how you describe it it is how adoption should be. Being a parent requires a lot of selfless acts, putting a child's needs before your own, for many years!

What they mean is a child they have carried - it is common parlance. I think that the sort of thing lockdownmania has described is very hurtful, but a lot of the professional offence taking here is appallingly precious and really misses the point about the real tragedies of adoption

Do you mind me asking, @fockle why you think minimising the importance of a parent claiming an adoptive child as their own/child claiming their parents... and the long term effects that may have on the emotional health of the child and their identity/self esteem isn’t included as one of the tragedies of adoption?

claire if it relates to the mother it is adoptive mother not "adopted"? The mother's concern here was to do with justifying herself - whereas the med notes should really use the language which is best for the medical practitioners, for the benefit of he child as they judge it.

if it relates to the mother it is adoptive mother not "adopted"?

But it doesn’t relate to the mother. The child (whos notes it is) has a medical history of being adopted. Fine. There is no reason to highlight ‘adoptive mother’ anywhere else in the son’s notes (and I can guarantee it won’t say ‘adoptive father’.)
It’s ok though. I thought you would say what you did.

When I was in junior school my sister and I were asked to stand up in. Class. The local vicar was visiting and in front of the whole class the teacher said “these are the two adopted daughters of Mr and Mrs H”.

I never got over it. I felt I was not as good as anyone else and had to be best at everything. Kids poked fun at us. I had a nervous breakdown and my sister bashed anyone who said anything. It took me years to think of myself as normal. Yet our mum and dad were the best in the world. Just shows how little ones can be affected.

SirChable re "claiming" can you link research about its importance? No, you can't.

Gronky - you are coming across as incredibly patronising and insensitive.

Don’t worry about answering my question @fockle, I’ve just read your previous posts in this thread and all has become clear as to why you hold the view that you do.

It’s ok though. I thought you would say what you did really?! In fact referring to the father being an adoptive father is equally as important. You were asking about mother vs adoptive mother.

@marton4710

..and the vicar would never have understood the pain he caused.

@fockle there are scores of articles out there talking about promotion of identity/sense of self in adoption with roots back to Bowlby,
Ainsworth and attachment theory in the 1950s.

Ainsworth was 1970s, actually.